I slammed into the house I’d grown up in and started yelling.
“Mum, how could you?” I demanded, throwing my purse down on the table and kicking off my heels. “You knew Neil worked at Blackstone Security, didn’t you? You set me up, and Ian too, the bastard.”
“Now, darling, please don’t be upset, but think about your new job and how much you’ve loved working there in just the short time you’ve been employed. It’s a marvelous opportunity for you. And I know you love Neil despite whatever happened between you two,” she admonished.
Yeah, and this is not news to me, Mum. I glared at my mother, totally unbelieving she’d done something so manipulative and underhanded to me.
“And he is so good to me…” she trailed off, taking a sip of her six o’clock gin and tonic while trying to look innocent. She was damn good at it, too.
“Did Neil suggest to you to get me to apply for the job? Did he ask Ian to recommend me?” Realization dawned and I felt the urge to thrash somebody. “Wait—what do you mean Neil is always so good to you, Mum?” I was absolutely fuming with the knowledge I’d been duped by my own family to bring me back to England, and to Neil. But something didn’t ring true with my theory. Neil did not act like he was expecting me. In fact, he looked completely and utterly shocked at seeing me again. Nobody had told him I’d been hired, I would bet my bank account.
It all made sudden sense. My family was conspiring to get us back together.
Not. Going. To. Happen.
“Well, Neil’s always been a lovely boy, Elaina darling. You know that about him. Such a help, especially after your father died.” She took another healthy slug of her G&T and sniffed. “He—he checks in on me quite regularly, my dear, I just never said anything to you about him because he specifically asked us not to bother you with it.”
“Is that so, Mum? Are you taking me for a walk later? Down a plank? Set out over the shark infested ocean?”
I was in shock at what they had done.
“Oh, don’t be so melodramatic, Elaina.”
“MUM.” My mother really needed to take her own advice about the melodrama but she ignored me and kept right on singing Neil’s praises.
“He took care of the service on my car and helped me when that horrible storm knocked down the elm tree in the front. Why, I just don’t know how we’d manage around here if it wasn’t for Neil. You know I think of him as a son and I always have.” She sipped again and then peeked up at me with the raise of her elegant brow over the rim of her glass.
Unbelievable. I crossed my arms beneath my breasts and stared at my mother as if she’d grown a second head. Completely at a loss of how to respond, I gave up in disgust and headed to the bath for a very long soak in the tub.
I made sure to shout extra loud down the hall so she could hear me before I slammed the bathroom door. “Missed your calling, Mum! You should’ve been an actress on the stage!”
While the tub was filling, I rang my brother on my mobile.
“How’s my baby sister?” He sounded quite cheery on the other end and I could hear background noise that sounded like he was probably in the pub.
“Fuck you, Ian.”
“Yeah, well this is not the first time today I’ve heard that exact sentiment—”
“Not surprised, you arsehole!” I yelled, right before I hung up on him.
During my bath I had some time to think without other distractions getting in my way. The shock of seeing Neil again was powerful, and the hurt was still there.
Definitely still there.
Seeing him daily was going to be very hard on me. Oh God, how on earth would I do it? Could I do it? I didn’t want to give up my job but thought I might have to.
I really didn’t know anything about Neil’s life since our break up, other than that he’d respected my wishes and never tried to come after me. He’d read my letter and done as I’d asked. How could he have left Cora after she was having his baby? I knew he wouldn’t have been able to do it, and I was right. I’d seen her coming out of the clinic right before I was off for Italy and she was already showing, a nice little baby bump on her neat tidy figure. That was Neil’s baby growing inside her. His child, who he would never abandon.
I didn’t know he’d landed a fabulous job in London after the army. I’d always imagined he’d made a career in the military all these years, because he’d already achieved rank of captain last I’d known.
To be fair though, I’d told my mother and brother, that if they tried to interfere or pass along messages from or about Neil, I’d never forgive them for it. I’d announced my plans to be an au pair and said I wouldn’t be sharing the details of our breakup, so not to ask. They had honored my wishes apparently. I’d known back then, that I’d never be able to hear all about his life after me, and survive. Letting him go, early in our relationship, had been the better choice for my survival. Moving on to a life without him had been terrifying and agonizing for me, but it was better than killing us both slowly.
I knew things about myself and about my feelings for Neil. Hell, I had the evidence of him, and what he’d meant to me tattooed on my back.
I knew I’d be unable to share him with Cora, or even his child, the instant she gave us her big reveal. No possible way I’d ever manage it. I am not perfect, but I’m honest about things I know to be fact. It would have killed me to stay, and I would have become bitter and vindictive, and destroyed Neil’s love for me, anyway.
It was clear from his reactions that they’d been together and made a baby. He never denied it to me so I knew it was true. I forgave Neil that part of it. We weren’t together when he slept with Cora, and he’d just come home from a long lonely tour. I understood. But, I also understood that Neil would never abandon a child that was his. I knew his character, and with the way he’d been abandoned by his father as a boy, he’d never do the same to his own.
I stood to get out of the tub and reached for a towel. As I did, I saw my cherry blossoms reflected in the mirror. On my back, right shoulder, where they would always stay. Why had I gotten it done?
Selfishness.
It was my little part of us to keep forever. Cherry blossoms in sky blue. My memory. Mine alone, that nobody could ever take away from me.
I hoped Neil was happy now. I truly wanted that for him, but it didn’t change what I had to do for myself in order to survive the loss of him.
I knew what I knew. I’d have been completely unable to share him with Cora, no matter how limited their relationship. She would forever hold a piece of him, and I would covet that precious part of him that had been stolen from me. The familiarity Neil would have had to maintain with Cora surely would have poisoned our love and torn it down until there was nothing beautiful left. Just heartache. And, cruel jealousy. And hurt. I couldn’t do that to Neil. He didn’t deserve it after the childhood he’d lived through.
It made me a horrible person, true, but I could live with that understanding about myself. I was selfish when it came to love. I was selfish with Neil. And I just couldn’t bear to endure the pain I would have brought to us both.
His child would be five years old now. I wondered about that baby. Boy or girl? Dark chocolate eyes with blonde hair, or more like Cora with her strawberry-blonde curls and light eyes? Had Mum and Ian met the child?
I finished drying off and hung up the towel. As I shrugged into my robe, I left the right shoulder off and studied my tat once more in the mirror. It was a beautiful piece of art. I had no regrets about having it now, or ever. My tiny little piece of Neil’s love safely preserved in my skin.
The only bit I had left.
Neil
Despite the fact I wanted to kill him, I was at the bar drinkin’ with him, regardless.
Ian set down his mobile and hung his head. “Everyone keeps telling me to sod off today. That was Elaina by the way.”
So, Elaina was angry too. Well great, we had some common ground at least. We’d both had the earth ripped out from beneath us. I poked Ian in the shoulder.
“Why? Why the f-fuck did you bring her to BSI…? Why’d you do th-that?” Four pints in and I was really sopping drunk. Good thing I’d walked here because I sure as fuck wasn’t able to drive. “Yer tryin’ to kill me, brother?” I slurred another question at him.
Ian waved me off with his hand like I was a distracting gnat buzzing around his head. “The two of you are fuckin’ ridiculous with your pining and your tats and your lost love. Get over it already, and do somethin’ about it, why don’t you.” Ian narrowed his eyes to focus. He was at least as drunk as me. “Mum and I couldn’t stand either one of you anymore, so we helped you along a bit. Just a li’l bit o’ help, is all.”
“Well, that was fuckin’ stupid of you then. She doesn’t want anthin’ to do with me, an’ now we have t-to work t-together.”
“No, yer fuckin’ s-stupid. She’s in love with you st-still. An’ you are with her. I’ve seen yer cherry blossom tats an’ how you are when the other person’s name comes up.” He tapped his head and nearly stabbed himself in the eyeball. “I see things. I know things.”
I grabbed him by the collar of his shirt. “Don’t you tell her about the tat or I’ll b-b-bash you, Ian.”
Ian’s face cracked an enormous grin. “Yer such a fuckin’ idiot. Ya don’t know much do ya?”
“What tha bloody h-h-hell does that mean?”
“I’ll let ya figure it out on yer own, b-brother, but I’ll s-s-say this much…” He poked a finger into my forehead. “Yer not tha only one with a ch-cherry blossom t-tattoo.
The words of the song hit me like a brick to the head as I listened to Hendrix on Spotify. Music was part of my life and I couldn’t imagine being without it, but today the lyrics fit too perfectly with the reality of what had happened with Elaina and me. It did nothing good for me. But make the ache more persistent.
A broom is drearily sweeping
Up the broken pieces of yesterday’s life
Somewhere a queen is weeping
Somewhere a king has no wife
And the wind, it cries Mary
Not Mary. The wind was crying…Cherry.
I’d kept my distance at work from Elaina over the past few days. She’d done the same with me. It was strange, because for some reason, it wasn’t as painful for me as I thought it would feel. Having her nearby was very soothing after so long of wondering where she was, how she was, what she was doing, who she was with. I finally knew the answers to all of those questions.
But, I also had new ones to ponder.
Ian’s drunken confession in the pub had piqued my curiosity a lot. According to her brother, she had a cherry blossom tattoo somewhere on her body. Interesting. And why would Elaina do that?
I could only think of one reason why she would.
Same reason I’d gotten mine.
I dug around in my desk drawer until I found it. A flash drive of photographs I’d taken nearly six years ago. I made sure the door was locked of course, and told Susie to hold my calls.
The pictures loaded up in a slideshow format.
Nearly two hundred images: cherry blossoms, Elaina under the falling blossoms, selfies of us in the boat together, some close-ups of a blue dragonfly sitting on a cherry branch. I remembered the dragonfly photos specifically. I’d printed one out and taken it to the tattoo artist when she’d inked me, so she could get the design right.
Blue dragonfly in the cherry blossoms in an ancient Japanese tsuba design, sitting right on my chest over my beating heart.
I scrolled through the line of photos, one by one, remembering everything as the images loaded. Again, it was a strange sensation. I thought I had forgotten the memories, or at least hidden them away so deep that I wouldn’t remember. But, that wasn’t the case at all. The sights and sounds and emotions held in my memories, came right up to the surface in an instant, as easily as if our weekend at Hallborough had just happened.
I kept clicking the right arrow faster and faster until the series changed to times after we had returned home.
I stopped clicking and stared, unable to take my eyes away.
Elaina. Naked in my bed. Her eyes were on me, head tilted to the side, her beautiful hair splayed out, her perfect body soft and languid from being touched, kissed, and ravished by me only moments before.
I’d asked her if I could have some pictures of her like this to take with me and she had generously said yes. How strange to know that just hours later, our time together ended in the most heartbreaking way. A moment in time, captured in stunning images, that had meant my whole world on the day they were taken.
I clicked forward to the next picture, very aware that I had taken more than just the one. God, she was beautiful then. She was still beautiful, and inside this very building, where I was sitting right fuckin’ now!
I could leave this office, go out to reception and look at her with my own eyes if I wanted to. I could ask her to dinner or out for lunch. I could get close enough to smell that heavenly perfume she wore, or shampoo she used on her hair, or whatever the hell it was that smelled so good when I got close. I could listen to her voice addressing me when I asked her a question. I could even reach out and touch her in a gesture socially acceptable for workmates.
I could do all of that.
If I wanted to.
I kept my arse in my desk chair and studied the naked pictures of her instead.
And thought about giving my cock a tug and using them to get me off.
