It’s later in the afternoon and I haven’t seen Simon since this morning. I don’t know where he ended up going, but I heard the engine of his car when he pulled out of the driveway around noon. It wasn’t my business, I wasn’t his keeper, so I didn’t bother asking him. I was surprised to find the house empty, though, when I eventually made my way back downstairs.
Lincoln must have gone with him, so it left me here alone. It felt strange in a way. This was my brother’s home for the past four years, the one I visited him at and stayed with him whenever I was in town. Yet, it didn’t feel like it was my home. I can’t quite put it into words, but I think it has to do with the internal work I’m trying to sift through.
I’m not quite sure where I really belong.
California didn’t feel like home and neither does here.
Olivia called me after I got a shower when I realized the boys weren’t here anymore. She’s stopping by to pick me up to go get mani-pedis since she and Sterling are leaving tomorrow. Their moving date got pushed up a few days sooner, so this is the only girl time we are really going to get and I need to take advantage of that.
What am I going to do without my best friend all summer?
Who is going to interrupt me when I find myself giving in to the temptation of Simon?
She’s at the house promptly at two in the afternoon, which is typical of Olivia. She’s always been the predictable, safe one. So when she says that she’s going to be somewhere at a certain time, you better damn well believe her. I don’t know if she’s ever been late to anything in her entire life.
As I climb into her car, Olivia looks over at me with a sad smile. “I can’t believe this is the last time we get to hang out for who knows how long.”
“Is there something you’re not telling me? Because you’re starting to act like you’re going to be leaving me forever.”
Olivia puts the car back in drive as I put on my seat belt and she backs out of the driveway. I half expected her to show up in Sterling’s car, but she must have gotten hers from her parents’ house. That is one thing I still need to figure out—my car from high school is still at my parents’, so maybe I could get Olivia to drop me off there afterward to get it.
“I’m not leaving you forever, but I made a decision and I don’t want you to be mad at me.”
I look over at her, tilting my head to the side as she glances at me from the corner of her eye. “What is it?”
Olivia lets out a deep breath. “I’ve decided to move wherever Sterling ends up. If he gets drafted, I’m going to transfer schools and move with him.”
I stare at her, my lips parted slightly. “I would never be mad at you for that, Liv,” I tell her with nothing but honesty in my words. “I want you to be happy and he’s what makes you happy. I just don’t want you to regret following after him. But I fully support whatever you want to do.”
She pulls the car up to a stoplight and looks over at me, her eyes wet as a smile pulls on the corners of her lips. “You really mean that? I hate leaving when you just got here, but I really do love him, Stella. He’s the only one I can imagine my future with and I’m willing to make whatever sacrifices I have to.”
“You act like I can’t drive or get on a plane.” I smile at her, laughing lightly. “We can still visit each other. It will basically just be like when I was in California and you moved here. Our friendship can withstand anything, regardless of the distance.”
“You know I love you, girl,” Olivia winks at me, her smile bright as the light turns green and she begins to drive the car again.
“Best friends forever,” I tell her, holding my hand out to her.
She slides hers into mine. “Always.”
After getting our mani-pedis, we end up at a cute little restaurant down the block that just so happens to have mimosas all day long and they never card anyone. Olivia has never been a big drinker, but she agreed to have at least one to celebrate the big things coming in her life with Sterling. Surprisingly, one turned into three and with how much of a lightweight Olivia is, she’s well past tipsy.
I limited myself to one, because I’m not going back to that darker part of my life. I’m able to have one drink and not get drunk and be able to cut myself off. Olivia was the one who decided to order herself two more and she didn’t push me when I turned the offer down. I don’t need that to enjoy myself anymore. I also wasn’t going to be the one who held her back from letting loose.
I am just enjoying spending the time with my best friend, which we haven’t been able to have in so long.
“I know we’ll still get to see each other periodically, but I’m really going to miss you,” I admit, my voice thick with emotion that I absolutely hate. The last thing I want to do is cry about this. We’ve spent a lot more time apart, but there is a part of me that was hoping to see her more this summer since we were both supposed to be in Vermont.
I was wrong and I can’t help but feel a little disappointed about it. It’s a contradiction, though, because at the same time, I feel an overwhelming sense of happiness and I’m proud of her. Olivia found her place in the world where I’m still feeling fucking lost.
“I’m going to miss you too,” Olivia slurs her words slightly as she gives me a crooked smile. “Man, those mimosas are really starting to catch up to me. I think,” she giggles, “I think I might want to get another one.”
“Girl, I know you’ve only had three, but I think I need to cut you off,” I tell her, laughing along with her. “My brother isn’t going to be too happy if you get completely shit-faced, and I’m going to be the one to blame for it.”
Olivia’s eyebrows pull together. “You’re not to blame for it. I’m the one who decided to drink them.” She pauses for a moment, falling serious, even though her eyes are glossy. “You know, he doesn’t mean to be so hard on you. He just worries about you and really cares about you. You’re his little sister and I think sometimes he feels like he didn’t do what he could to protect you.”
I stare at her and my breath catches in my throat. I know the words aren’t coming directly from Sterling, but hearing them come from Olivia means the same exact thing. She wouldn’t be saying these things to me if he hadn’t confided in her.
“He did protect me. He’s the best brother that I could have ever asked for. It’s just hard trying to live up to someone like him.”
“You don’t have to live up to him, Stella,” Olivia tells me, lifting her glass to her mouth as she drains the tiniest bit of liquid that’s left in it. “You’re your own person and I love the hell out of you. There’s no competition between the two of you because you’re both on your own journeys.”
“I know,” I admit quietly, not fully trusting my voice as Olivia brings out emotions I’ve been trying to ignore. “That’s what I’m trying to figure out. My path and what my destination consists of.”
Olivia stares at me thoughtfully from where she’s sitting across the table. “Don’t worry about the destination. That’s in the future, and you’ll know you’ve reached it once you get there. Focus on the journey and the present. And don’t forget to enjoy yourself along the way.”
“I’m trying,” I tell her, the desperation evident in my voice. It’s been a lot of work, trying to change the way I’ve been living my life and rediscovering who I really am. “Sometimes, I just can’t help but let it get me down. Especially when I have my brother in my face questioning me like I’m not really putting in the work.”
“Don’t worry about him, Stella,” Olivia tells me, slurring her words again as she attempts to flag down our server. “He doesn’t know how to process things the proper way. You know how your brother is. He’s a grump, but he means well, even if it may not seem like it in the moment.”
“I know,” I sigh, watching as our server walks over. Olivia holds up her glass, about to ask him for another mimosa, when I meet his eye and shake my head. “She doesn’t need another, so maybe a water for her?”
Olivia pouts. “Are you really going to ruin my fun right now?”
“Yep,” I smile back at her. “Water for you. Remember, we have your car, so Sterling’s going to be wondering why I’m driving and not you.”
“Shit,” she mutters, and the word sounds half foreign coming from her. Olivia has never been one to really curse, except when she’s feeling loose like this. “You’re right. Water’s probably best right now. What were we talking about, though?”
“You were lecturing me on my journey,” I laugh lightly as I grab my own glass of water that I’ve been drinking since I finished my first mimosa.
“Yes!” Olivia exclaims, clapping her hands as she’s brought back to whatever thoughts she had drifting around in her mind before she got sidetracked by wanting another mimosa. “Just enjoy the ride, girl. Let it take you wherever it decides to.”
“You’re right,” I agree with her, smiling as she leans back in her seat. Olivia is more relaxed than I’ve seen her in a long time and I love seeing her like this. Not only is it the alcohol, but I know it has to do with my brother and how happy he makes her.
Hard to believe that an asshole like him could make someone this damn happy.
“You know… you and Simon,” Olivia starts, a smirk creeping onto her face. “You two have some serious chemistry, and I’ve seen the way he looks at you.”
A groan slips from my lips, my head falling backward as I close my eyes. “Don’t even go there, Liv.”
“Come on, Stella, don’t be a prude now,” she tells me, her voice playful. “I mean, I didn’t ask any questions about what the two of you were doing in his room last night.”
I lift my head, my eyes meeting hers. “And we’re not talking about that.”
“Just hear me out, okay?” Olivia pauses to thank the server as she takes her water from him and takes a sip. “Enjoy your journey and if he so happens to end up being a part of it, live it up, girl. I know you’re not interested in relationships right now because you’re trying to figure yourself out, but Simon doesn’t want any of that either. If it happens, just roll with it.”
“Why are the two of you sounding like you’ve been conspiring behind my back?”
Olivia lifts an eyebrow at me. “You know, maybe you should listen to the two of us. Tell me it doesn’t sound like a good idea?”
I stare at her for a moment. Simon literally suggested the same thing, and I would be lying if I said it isn’t tempting. Is it really the best decision I should be making right now, though? Things like that can always turn messy within the blink of an eye.
“I don’t know, Liv,” I tell her, my voice trailing off as I’m still momentarily caught in my own thoughts. “I mean, it sounds great, but there’s always a chance of things going badly.”
“Stop worrying about what could happen and just go with it, how about that?”
I stare at her with my eyebrows pinched together. “Who the hell are you and what did you do with my best friend?”
“You weren’t the only one who had an awakening in life, girl.”
I mull over Olivia’s suggestion in my brain as it mixes with Simon’s words from last night.
“You know what, fuck it. I’m just going to continue on my journey and whatever happens along the way happens, right?”
Olivia smiles back at me. “There’s my girl.”
I smile back at Olivia, not sure if I’m feeling as confident in this idea as she is, but she’s right. It’s time I start living in the moment again, but this time with a clearer head and no reservations.
I’m done making the same mistakes I have in the past, but I’m fully committed to enjoying this new journey I’m on.
And maybe I’ll discover some new things about myself… with the help of Simon.
