I can see the turmoil in Stella’s expression. She doesn’t know what to do.
“Don’t make a decision right now,” I tell her as she looks up at me. “Just wait until after we get back to Vermont. This is all part of your journey, remember?”
Stella’s lips pull downward into a frown. “I can’t make a decision when I’m this close to you. You cloud my thoughts, you make me feel things that I’ve been avoiding feeling. I think I need space to process and figure out what I want to do.”
Her words feel like a blow to the chest, but there’s a part of me that has no choice but to be understanding. I may not fully agree with it even though it does make sense. She’s too close to the situation she’s trying to make a decision about.
“What do you need from me, angel?” I ask her, brushing the hair away from her face as I tuck it behind her ears. “What can I do to help?”
Stella stares back at me with an indistinguishable look in her eyes. “I need you to let me go.”
What the fuck?
My jaw clenches, my eyes widening before I narrow them at her and shake my head. “No.”
She reaches up, her hands wrapping around my wrists like she’s going to move my hands away from her face, but instead she just holds on to me. “What do you mean no?”
“I can’t and I won’t do that.”
“Why not? You asked what I needed from you and I told you.” This time she pulls my hands away and takes a step back. “I need space to think, to clear my head, and to do that, I need you to let me go.”
“I have no problem giving you space, but I’m not going to let you go, Stella.”
She lets out an exasperated sigh. “You’re absolutely impossible, you know that, right?”
I smile at her. “I never once implied that I was anything different.”
“I’ll stay until your hockey camp is over, but then I’m going back to California for a little while.”
Her words catch me off guard and as badly as I want to beg her to just stay, I know I can’t. She’s asking me for space and I have to give it to her. Stella’s been trying to figure out who she is and what she wants out of life. If I push her too hard, that’s only going to push her away.
She’s already jaded after what happened in her last relationship. There’s a part of her that doesn’t trust me simply on principle even though I’ve never given her a reason not to trust me. If she wants to go back to California to figure things out, I can’t stop her.
“Whatever you need, Stella.” I take a step back from her. “If you want space, then I will give you that. But just so we’re clear… I won’t wait forever for you to come back to me. If you take too long, I’ll come for you.”
She fidgets with her hands in front of her and I want to desperately pull them apart and distract her from the internal fight she’s experiencing right now. As much as it kills me, I can’t be physically close to her. She needs space and has made it clear that being close to one another only clouds her thoughts more.
Turning my back to Stella, I grab a change of clothes and head into the bathroom to get ready for bed and brush my teeth before I come back out. Stella is standing in the kitchen area, drinking a glass of water with her back pressed against the counter.
She watches me from where she’s standing as I walk over to the bed and grab one of the pillows. I grab my charger for my phone and take both over to the couch. There’s an outlet right by where my head will be, so I plug it in and set my alarm before grabbing a blanket and making myself a bed.
“What are you doing?” Stella asks me as she walks into the living room area.
I glance up at her as I lie down on the couch and cover myself up. “Going to sleep. I have to get up early for camp. We have our draft on Friday and I want to earn some extra points to hopefully get on one of the better teams if I can.”
She’s silent for a moment. “I meant, what are you doing on the couch?”
My emotions are all over the place but I can’t let Stella know that. As badly as I want to influence her decision, that’s not the type of person I am. I won’t manipulate her thoughts. Instead, I shrug with indifference and direct my attention to the TV as I turn it on. ‘I’ll be sleeping on the couch the rest of the time we’re here.”
“Why?” she questions me with zero hesitation.
“Because you said you want space, Stella. If you don’t want space, then say that. I’m not going to play these back-and-forth games, though. I know what I want and what I want is you.” I pause, my gaze meeting hers. “Until you figure out what you want, I’m putting some distance and space between us. I’m here whenever you decide.”
She stares at me like I just broke her favorite toy from her childhood. It might hurt her right now, but it’s the goddamn cold, hard truth. It’s not fair to either of us, and what good will it do if I keep sleeping with her and fuck her every night when she doesn’t know if I’m what she wants or not?
It’s not going to do a fucking thing to help either of us.
So, instead, I’ll wait for her.
And if she decides she doesn’t want me, I’ll pick up the pieces and move on.
By the time Friday rolls around, I’m honestly just ready to be done with this damn camp and go back to Vermont. I don’t want Stella to go back to the other side of the country, but sharing an apartment with her is killing me right now.
I barely even pay attention during the draft. Much to my surprise, I get picked third and end up on the powerhouse team at the camp. Alex and Liam are both on the same team as me and they can barely contain their excitement as we head back to the locker room to collect our things.
“Are you okay, Murray?” Alex questions me as we step inside the room. Our lockers are side by side, so we walk over together. “You seem off or something.”
I glance over at him as I grab my bag and stick. “I don’t know. I just got some shit going on that has me a little distracted.”
“You know you’re gonna have to check that shit at the door,” Liam reminds me as he walks over to us with his stuff. “From what I hear, Coach Cole is quite the hard-ass.”
“Yeah, I know,” I tell both of them, putting on a facade of being fine. “I’ll be good when we start practice next week.” The three of us fall silent as we follow the rest of the guys out of the room and exit the building.
“Trouble in paradise with your girl?” Alex asks when the three of us reach the parking lot.
“Something like that,” I tell him with a shrug. “She doesn’t know what she wants and wants some space.”
“Ah, shit,” Liam says, shaking his head in disappointment. “That’s never a good sign.”
“What do you mean?” I ask him.
“Wanting space pretty much says what she wants already. She’s trying to let you down easily, and she’s just trying to figure out the nicest way to do it.”
“Or she’s hoping that the space will make you move on to someone else,” Alex adds.
The two of them are getting in my head and confusing me even more. As if it wasn’t already bad enough that Stella wanted space… now I’m wondering if there’s more to it like the guys pointed out. Maybe she really does know what she wants. And it isn’t me.
“Come out with us,” Liam says as we stop at his car. “Alex and I are going to go grab dinner somewhere now and then drink the night away.”
I look between the two of them and weigh my options. I can either go out with them and drink away the thoughts of Stella or go back to the apartment and spend the night in the awkwardness between us.
“Fuck it, I’m in,” I tell them with a shrug. “Who’s driving?”
