The last week of my freshman year went by in a flash. I had seen Trey a few times and I wasn’t surprised when I saw that he was there to pick up Helena. It hurt like hell and he was a fucking asshole for doing that behind my back. I was done with both of them and was trying to force myself to not give a shit about what was going on between the two of them.
The last thing I wanted to do was have that negativity in my life.
Surprisingly, I experienced a new type of defiance. Usually, I would resort to my normal ways of drinking the pain away, but I wasn’t going to let Trey or Helena have that much power over me. He is nothing in my life as far as I am concerned. The last thing he’s going to see is the effect of knowing I was cheated on.
I had already spent a majority of my freshman year going to various parties. It has always been the way I was programmed since high school. As soon as I discovered drinking and stuff, I was practically a loose cannon. If there was a party, I was going to be there and I would most likely be ending the night completely trashed.
My brother hated it. My family equally hated it too. And Olivia was always so concerned. She was the one who kept me safe when we were together, so when we split to go to separate colleges, she was really concerned about what was going on with me in California. Olivia constantly worried about anything and everything possible and I was one of the things that occupied that type of space in her mind.
I hated that I put everyone through so much shit with my partying. It’s not like I was trying to do it from a malicious place; it wasn’t like it was for attention or because I was trying to escape something from my reality. I just felt like parties were somewhere I fit in and I was looking for my own thing like Sterling had hockey. I don’t know how to explain it, but after visiting my brother and Olivia, I had a weird change of heart.
One of the nights I was there, Olivia sat me down and expressed her concerns. She didn’t get my brother involved but she let me know that he was worried about me too. What they didn’t know was, I actually was partying less when I was seeing Trey. He wasn’t really into that scene. Even though we would go to some together, he didn’t really enjoy drinking, so we spent a lot of weekends skipping the parties.
It just seemed like whenever Olivia or Sterling randomly called me out of the blue, I happened to be out. Since I came back after having that conversation with her, I haven’t been to a single party. Hell, I haven’t even drank anything. Which, to be honest, I didn’t need it after my breakup with Trey, but it would have been nice because I was bored as fuck.
As much as I love California, there was a nostalgia when I was home this last time. And summers in Vermont were always my favorite. It doesn’t get quite as hot as it does here in California.
And my mother was begging me to come back since she hadn’t gotten to see much of me within this past year. There was a weird strain that was put on our relationship when I graduated high school. I spent the majority of that summer partying and actually got into some trouble, but thankfully she was able to get me out of it.
That’s why Sterling was the one I called when I was in trouble or needed something. The last thing I wanted to do was be even more of a burden on my family. That night I got in trouble, I think I broke my mother’s heart. She knew I was drinking a lot and I refused to listen to a word she said.
Call it defiance; call it whatever you want. I know I didn’t have a bad childhood and I got enough attention from my parents, but I feel like a lot of it had to do with my brother. They invested so much time in Sterling and what he wanted to do. My dreams didn’t go ignored, but in a way, I lacked motivation. What could I possibly do that would come remotely close to what he was doing and how happy it made my parents?
Instead, I decided to be the fuckup and enjoy my life. I wasn’t going to exert any extra energy doing something that was just going to be outshined by my brother anyway. So, I started partying. And then I got arrested for underage drinking. My mother picked me up at the station that night and was able to get me out of it all with just some community service.
I was forever grateful for her doing that and the fact that she didn’t tell my father. It was like it was our own little secret. Even Sterling didn’t know. But it put a strain on the relationship I had with my mother. She realized then that she literally had zero control over me, so when I decided I wanted to go to California for school, I couldn’t tell if she was happy or sad.
I needed a change of pace. I needed to get away from everything I was used to and try to figure out who I was instead of just Stella Barrett. There was more to me than being the little sister of the star hockey player of our town. I just knew I had to get away from everyone I had been around my entire life to try and figure that out.
And here I am, my freshman year of college finished and I still have no idea who the hell I am.
California helped me realize that I actually really enjoy the ocean. I started school undecided but eventually decided to settle on marine biology. It wasn’t a random decision either. After going out on boats and exploring the ocean with Trey and his friends, I realized I found what I really wanted to do.
I don’t really have a plan on what I want to do with that, but I want to do something that involves the ocean. Something about the water calls to me on a spiritual level and there’s nothing that is going to stop me from following that calling.
As my Uber pulls up out in front of the airport, I thank him and grab my two suitcases before heading inside the building. After getting through security, I send my brother a message telling him I’ll be boarding my plane soon and am on my way back to Vermont.
He texts me back just as I’m getting into my seat, telling me how everyone can’t wait for me to get here. And then at the end of his message, he throws in one little line that makes my heart skip a beat.
Sterling: Simon will be picking you up when you get here.
After my disaster with Trey, I should be swearing off guys entirely. I have no reason to get involved with anyone, especially when I’m in the process of self-discovery. This summer should be dedicated to figuring out who I am and focusing on nothing else.
When Sterling offered me his apartment, he told me how he wouldn’t be around for most of the summer, so that meant I could have his room. It seemed like the perfect plan. I would still be close enough to visit my mother, but could have the space I needed from her. We would be able to repair our relationship without having the strain of breathing down each other’s necks.
It also meant that I would now be living with Simon. The idea seemed like a good one when I first agreed to it, but that was before I realized how much he worked his way under my skin. He occupies all of the secret spaces inside my mind and I want him out of there. Just because he lives rent-free inside my mind doesn’t mean I have to entertain any of the thoughts that spring upon me.
A sigh slips from my lips as my heart continues to pound erratically inside my chest. I’m excited to see him, but I know I can’t let him get any closer. I have to draw the line at flirting and be okay with that. I could have my fun with him and then go back to my normal life, but that defeats the whole purpose of my journey of self-discovery.
Sitting deeper into my seat on the airplane, I let out another deep breath and lean my head against the window as my eyelids fall shut.
This is going to be one hell of a long summer…
