People underestimate the beauty and rawness of Brazil. Even though I love Rio more than Sao Paulo, the electric feeling of the city brings a smile to my face and puts some pep in my step.
It’s hard to believe how fast time flies when on the road. There are only two races left before I go back home, which means there are two more before Liam decides where he wants to go. He keeps quiet on the matter, shutting down whenever I ask about it. I let it go because he probably feels nervous about his uncertain future and where he will end up.
I want to tell him I’ll be there for him no matter what—whether it’s a McCoy contract or not—but the words get stuck in my throat in fear of rejection. Call me a coward, I’m well aware. When he joked about me loving him when we went skydiving, I nearly confessed my feelings.
Liam and I completed almost every item on the list except for one. With only two more weeks together, I have no idea when or how it’ll happen. He took a liking to the list and prefers to plan everything under the guise of spontaneity.
I mull it over while drinking a cocktail. My seat occupies a corner of the bar at the gala with not a single person sitting next to me, probably sensing my mood. Fans keep Liam occupied while Maya busies herself with sucking Noah’s face off somewhere in secret.
I drain the contents of my tumbler, the mix of rum and coke not easing my sadness.
The clank of two shot glasses being placed in front of me draws my attention toward my new neighbor. I eye Rick suspiciously. His presence is a rarity since he never speaks to me, instead offering me a withheld sneer and a side-glance every time.
Rick motions for a bartender to pour us each a shot. “Just the person I was looking for.”
Amazing how seven words make my skin crawl. The bartender fills our shot glasses with a clear liquid I don’t dare ask about, instead choosing to focus on not throwing up at Rick’s obvious perusal.
“How can I help you?” I give him a dazzling fake smile.
“I love someone who’s willing.” Rick tests my gag reflex. “I want to check in with the woman who stirs up more trouble with her pinky than Claudia did with her pussy.”
I can’t tell if he means to insult or compliment me. Based on his cruel eyes, I’ll go with the first option.
“I’m doing great.” I pull out my phone. “Oh, wow. I hate to leave this conversation, but I didn’t realize the time.” My butt lifts off the stool before a cold hand clamps around my wrist. Rick doesn’t mean to cause pain, but his unsolicited touch makes my stomach roll all the same.
Did I mention I detest agents?
He continues, ignoring my discomfort. “I think you should stay. After all, don’t you want to hear about Liam’s predicament? He won’t tell you, but he has an important choice to make in the next two weeks.”
I say nothing as he reels me in like a nasty fisherman with old bait and a rusty hook. “See, McCoy offered Liam a contract deal despite how he fucked the owner’s niece. Can you imagine being that good at racing? Being so powerful that you can screw around with McCoy’s niece and still keep your job? Wow.” He shakes his head in disbelief. “Anyway, only two other companies offered him a spot, but they’re the bottom two teams. The contracts are shit and Liam knows it. Those deals would ruin his career before he had a chance at another World Championship.”
“I fail to see what this has to do with me.” My patience wavers. I look around for a savior, but I find myself immersed in a wave of unfamiliar suits.
“Everything really. McCoy offered Liam twenty million dollars, but only if he cuts ties with you because of your connection to Bandini. Can you sleep at night knowing he gave up his dream to be your friend or your lover or whatever you kids call it nowadays? I sure as hell wouldn’t be able to. And Liam’s thinking about it. He’s actually considering giving up his best contract for a fling with a hot young thing. He won’t agree or disagree to the new contract, instead choosing to sit around with his dick in his hands, waiting for better deals that won’t come. His time is running out.”
My heart sinks into my stomach, rolling around with acid and alcohol. I want to run away from Rick and this secret Liam kept. But instead, my butt stays planted on the stool.
“People can negotiate deals and stupid conditions.” I straighten my spine because I can’t let Rick sense my fear. There have to be other options. Companies can’t act this way, right?
“Liam’s tried. I’ve tried. But a deal is a deal at the end of the day.”
I remain speechless while staring at the shot glass, wishing it could solve my problems.
“I’m telling you early enough to figure it out. To either decide if your relationship—” his eyes roam over me before he licks his lips “—or lack thereof, is really worth that much money. Not to mention his career. The clock is ticking. I wish you the best of luck with this difficult decision. For me, no pussy is worth that much. But hey, if I was as rich as Liam, I guess I’d have the luxury of choices too.” He knocks back his shot and tips the glass upside down, leaving me alone with a full glass.
Once he leaves, I swallow my shot despite my queasiness. The burn takes away from the sting in my eyes.
I leave the gala without a backward glance, not in the mood to pretend that Rick didn’t rip into my heart and steal a piece. I’m unsure of what to do and who to turn to.
I don’t know what to feel. Hurt Liam needs to think about cutting me out of his life? Happy he’s considering saying no in the first place? Confusion mixes with alcohol, my head swimming with doubt and insecurity, pain festering inside me like an infected wound.
I make it to my hotel room and land face-first in my bed, hoping alcohol knocks me out quickly.
“I’m concerned with how you’re stabbing your pancakes. Have any qualms to share?” My dad looks at me with questioning eyes.
“Only that you talk like someone from a Victorian novel. Who says qualms anymore?”
“Well-educated individuals who read lots of books. Speaking of which, how are your classes going?” He loves to check in about school.
“Really smooth transition, Dad. They’re rough, especially online.” Lies.
As of last week after Germany, I dropped my two classes and pushed my graduation back a semester. My palm shook as I pressed the withdraw button after speaking to Liam’s parents and researching art with kids. I made one of the rashest decisions of my life all by myself. No one knows about my recent life change. Not even Liam, who has lately become my go-to for all things related to me.
If that doesn’t say personal progress, I don’t know what does.
My dad tilts his head. “And what do you plan on doing after you graduate?”
“I’m not sure yet.” The words barely make it past my lips. I hate lying, but I hate lying to my dad so much more.
“There has to be some internship or something you want to pursue. Either that or get yourself signed up for a master’s degree so you can pass your accounting exams.”
That idea sounds about as fun as getting a root canal.
“What’s the rush?” I avert his gaze.
“You need to start planning your life and getting ready for the next big step. You’ve had fun traveling with me for months, but it’s time to head back home in two weeks.”
Home. An idea that used to bring me comfort reminds me of how hollow I feel. Somewhere along the way this year, my heart found a home somewhere else. Particularly with a German man who offers nightly cuddles and toe-curling morning kisses.
The tightness in my chest pushes me to ignore the thought.
Rick’s nuclear bomb of a secret makes my chest ache and my stomach churn. I struggle to comprehend how Liam battles cutting me out of his life. It’s like a sad re-enactment of some television show deciding whether to cast me out of the island or not. I don’t want to be pushed away and forgotten, but I don’t want Liam to lose his shot at winning a World Championship.
My dad’s voice rumbles. “It’s okay to be afraid of your future and what comes next. No one likes failing. But I’ve taught you to get up, brush the dirt off your knees, and try again.”
“What happens if I don’t want to get up?” You know, because my heart lies around me in a million pieces.
“I raised you to rise above your challenges. Whether it happens in a minute or a day. You will get up. It’s not a matter of if, but when.”
My dad, wise beyond his years and about one step away from creating his TED Talk.
“Of course, you can say that. You’re you. A badass who doesn’t take shit from anyone.” I grumble as I shove a fluffy piece of pancake in my mouth.
“I’ve had my fair share of bad days. Hell, I raised you on my own with no parents to help. Only you, me, and a few parenting books to figure out if I was going about things the right way. There’s no self-doubt quite as grand as that of parenthood.”
My smile wobbles. “You did your best.”
“You bet your ass I did. You’re the greatest thing that ever happened to me and I wouldn’t change a thing. Some dads want a son—someone to create into their prodigy. But you captured my best traits. I wouldn’t trade you for anything.”
“Glad you put that out there because I checked with the hospital and the return policy is a bit sketchy.”
He shakes his head and laughs. “Anyone who hears you wouldn’t doubt you’re my daughter.”
“After all, I did learn from the best.” I shoot him a small smile, pushing away my bad mood for later.
I’m still a hot, indecisive mess after Rick’s confession yesterday. Emphasis on the hot because the least I can do is boost my self-esteem.
Earlier, Maya asked me to join her with setting up a game for Liam and Jax to play during a vlog. I drag my feet toward the McCoy garage, grumbling under my breath.
“What made you so grumpy?” Maya fumbles with her camera settings while we wait for the guys. McCoy’s pit crew works around us, busying themselves with pre-race prep, while we wait outside the garage.
“Nothing. Just tired and didn’t sleep well last night.”
Probably because Liam’s dick of an agent took away my sense of control over my relationship. If I can even call it that, seeing as Liam is struggling between kicking me to the curb and keeping me.
“I’m not used to seeing you this out of it. Hopefully, you can get a good night’s rest before the race. Maybe with Liam?” She sends me a sly grin that doesn’t take away the empty feeling inside of me.
“I think I’m going to chill without my personal body pillow for a few days.” I need air and time to think. Hanging around Liam makes me weak. Part of me wants to ask him about what his agent said while another part of me doesn’t because I’m afraid of his answer.
“Any reason?”
Before I have a chance to respond, Liam and Jax make their presence known in the McCoy garage.
“If it isn’t our two favorite ladies.” Liam brushes a loose strand of hair from my face before planting a kiss on my temple. “You didn’t show up last night after the gala. You’re not quitting on me, right?” he whispers into my ear.
I turn to find his eyes sparkling. “Nope. I wasn’t feeling well and wanted to go to bed early. No reason to hang out if we aren’t…you know…”
His smile drops. “That’s bullshit. You know we spend time together without fucking. Don’t sell me a fake excuse when we’re friends first and foremost.”
Ah, there’s that word again. “Well, okay…”
He eyes me before stepping away, giving me room to breathe again.
“Let’s get this show on the road. I have places to be, people to bang.” Jax claps his hands together.
“You know, beneath that rough exterior is a boy who cuddles with his pillow at night and dreams of a better tomorrow.” Liam holds his palm to his chest.
“The only future I think of is kicking your ass at every race.”
“Okay, you two. This is one of our last episodes before the end of the season.” Maya breaks up the jokes and gets to work.
Maya interviews the two of them while they play a game. I tune out their conversation because I have no interest in listening, only attending because Maya begged me to film the exchange. I ignore the weird looks Liam sends my way. His omission of his contract deal sits heavy between us, and I can’t handle how part of me feels grateful he didn’t say yes to McCoy right away.
Despite his inability to decide if he loves me, I still love him with everything inside of me. I’d do just about anything to help him be happy. It looks like I fell in love with someone untouchable and unbreakable, proving to me how shattered people like Liam can’t fall apart again.
Welcome to my disaster ever after. Pull up a chair, bust out the popcorn, and enjoy the show.
