Winter.
Lia said her name is Winter.
Not only that, but she also didn’t say anything beyond those five measly words. She’s been going in and out of consciousness for the past three days.
And when she comes to, she stares at nothing, not even acknowledging my—or anyone else’s—presence.
Dr. Putin said it’s purely mental at this point and that her bodily reaction is related to that.
I called in her shrink, or more accurately, I threatened her so she’d come to check on Lia. Dr. Taylor is a small brown woman with short black hair and an upright posture, who insisted on talking to my wife alone.
But that doesn’t stop me from watching through the glass window. Surprisingly, Lia is talking to the therapist, and she doesn’t seem to be repeating the fact that she’s Winter over and over again.
Kolya remains silent by my side after I send a grumbling Yan back home to look after Jeremy. I’ve had to go back for short intervals during the past few days to keep him company before putting him to sleep. He cried the first time I told him his mother had gone on a trip and would return for him soon. Then he refused to sleep anywhere but on my lap and in my company.
Jeremy has always been used to having his mother around, and I have no fucking clue how to ease him into the change of circumstances. For now, he needs to believe that she’s away and will come back.
Because she will come back.
Even if I have to threaten and coerce all the doctors and psychotherapists.
Dr. Taylor smiles at Lia, then walks to the window and pulls the shutters to block my view of them.
I’m about to barge inside, but I’m halted when the therapist steps out and closes the door behind her.
“Why did you do that?” I ask in a calm that’s laced with deep-seated anger.
The fact that Lia doesn’t talk to me, let alone recognize me, has been like being pricked by tiny needles. The sting isn’t sharp, but it’s constant and without reprieve.
Dr. Taylor slides her gold-rimmed glasses over her nose. Her hand is shaking and I can tell she’s intimidated by me, but she meets my gaze head-on. “Because you’re scaring her.”
“She recognized me?” I ask slowly, hopefully, and even Kolya’s body leans forward in anticipation of the answer.
“No, she doesn’t, but she recognizes you as a danger.”
I pretend those words don’t cut through me like a blunt fucking knife. “She said that?”
“Yes.”
“What else did she say?”
“That there are scary men outside her room and that she didn’t do anything wrong. She also seems to believe she’s Winter Cavanaugh and even relayed her life events. From what you told me, she already met Winter and talked to her, so the fact that she knows all the details isn’t a surprise.”
“What’s wrong with her?”
“She’s dissociating, Mr. Volkov.”
“Dissociating?”
“It happened due to the traumatic event she experienced, and other factors from her childhood, combined with adulthood traumas, are most likely what led her to this state. I believe her case to be a form of dissociative fugue. She doesn’t realize that she’s experiencing a memory loss and has invented a new identity to fill the gaps.”
“And how do I stop her from dissociating?”
“You can’t. She currently believes herself to be Winter and if you tell her otherwise or force it on her, she might get worse and develop other critical types of dissociations.”
“Are you telling me to sit by and do nothing?”
“Something like that. She needs to find her old self on her own. Her neurosis is quite strong right now. In other words, her mind is very fragile and she’s the only one who can build it back up. Any form of duress will have the exact opposite effect. In fact, victims of dissociation escape into their minds as a response to trauma or abuse.” She stresses the last word even as she tries to avoid my gaze.
It takes everything in me not to snap her neck and show her what true abuse is like. Instead, I hold onto my cool so I can get the answers out of her. “What does she need now?”
“A change from her usual habitat would be great. She also needs a supportive entourage and no judgmental dialogue. In order to open her mind again, Lia has to feel safe.”
“And you don’t think that will happen if she’s in my company.”
“I didn’t say that.”
“You were thinking it.”
“Well, yes, Mr. Volkov. I told you, she considers you a threat, and since she doesn’t really remember you, being in your presence will make her case worse.”
“How about our son? He’s five years old.”
“I’m afraid that in her current state, he’ll do more harm than good. She thinks herself to be Winter and that she lost a child. If she sees another child this soon, it might backfire and lead to further complications. Her psychosis is quite volatile and unpredictable right now and it’s better not to put pressure on her mental state. Give her time and try to fill the gap for him as much as possible.”
“What if I talk to her?”
“You talking to her is the reason she’s been having those panic attacks. She believes herself to be Winter and you keep calling her Lia.” She pauses. “It’d be better to put some distance between the two of you for now.”
I want to tell her that won’t be happening.
That there’s no way I’m leaving Lia alone.
Fuck psychotherapy and all its nonsense. Lia and I will write our own story, and for that to happen, she needs to stay by my side.
However, I’ve seen my wife’s panic attacks. I’ve witnessed the numbness in her eyes, and before that, I experienced her complete surrender when she jumped off that cliff.
Deep down, I know I need to let her go.
Even if only temporarily.
Even if it means shredding a fucking piece of my chest.
Dr. Taylor says something about recommending a fellow psychotherapist so that I’ll leave her alone, but I shoo her away with two fingers. She hurries down the hall, her heels clicking along as she keeps staring back at me and Kolya.
I face the window with drawn shutters and although I can’t see Lia inside, I can feel her.
She’s become a part of me.
At the beginning, I only got close to her because of who she is and the role she plays in my system. However, she slowly but surely has become an integral part of my life.
She made me lose control more than once when I thought myself incapable of such blasphemy.
Lia didn’t just challenge me, she also seeped under my skin and clashed into my bones.
Now, I have to let her go for her own good.
Because even though I need her in my life and crave the softness she brings to my ragged edges, I have apparently cut her too deep that I didn’t only reach the flesh, but I also severed tendons and veins.
I told her I would be there for her until her scars healed, but I ended up adding a few of my own.
“Hey, Kolya.” My voice is lethargic, low.
“Yes, Boss.”
“Do you also believe I suffocated Lia?”
My second-in-command hesitates before touching the short blond hairs at his nape. “Honestly? I believe you suffocated each other.”
I face him. “How so?”
“You didn’t give her many choices and she retaliated by being cold and putting distance between you two. She did that to protect herself, I believe, but you’re not a patient person, so the situation kept mounting until we reached this phase.”
“You’ve had those beliefs all along?”
“Yes.”
“Then why haven’t you voiced them?”
“You didn’t ask for my opinion, so I didn’t see the need to give it.”
“I thought you’d be in Yan’s camp.”
“I am, partially. However, Yan can be reckless. Due to his friendship with Mrs. Volkov, he sometimes forgets about your character, Boss.”
“It’ll get him killed one day.”
“He just cares about her.”
“And you think I don’t?”
“Of course not. You just…show it differently.” Kolya pauses. “What do you plan to do about this situation?”
A long sigh leaves me as I study the pattern of the closed shutters through the glass. When the therapist said that Lia needs a change of habitat, an idea has been building in my head.
I hate it, but it may well be the only solution possible right now.
“I will let her be Winter.”
Kolya watches me intently as if I’ve grown a second head. “You…will?”
“It’s either that or I’ll lose her.”
“And how do you intend to go about that?”
“Do you still keep in touch with your colleague from the Spetsnaz who was excellent at disguise makeup?”
“Yes. What do you need him for?”
“Yan.”
“Yan?”
“Your colleague will disguise Yan so he can keep an eye on Lia.”
“He can’t keep an eye on her as he is?”
“No. She knows his face. It might remind her of me and complicate her state. He needs to look different and have another background.”
“What do you want him to be?”
“A homeless person. Put Lia in the shelter that’s under our protection and make sure to tell Richard that she’s to be treated with care, but hide her identity from him. He’s never met her before, so it shouldn’t be hard.”
“Boss, are you sure about this?”
“Yes, Kolya. I’ll let her believe the lie. If she wants to be Winter, so be it.”
Because sooner or later, her path will be a one-way road to me.
