The week after Christmas, I felt like an open wound.
I went on runs to try and stop myself from thinking there was something wrong with me and that was why Sebastian turned me down, but the thought never left my mind.
I almost killed off Rohanda out of anger, but when I wrote it down, I couldn’t keep it. It didn’t match anything else in the story, so I wound up deleting it all. I knew underneath that anger there was simmering hurt. Why didn’t he want me? Did I look worse now that I had gained a few pounds? Did I need to wear more makeup? Dress better?
I didn’t want my self-worth to be attached to what a man thought of me, but after years of it being beaten into my head by my mother, it was always my first thought. If my husband didn’t think I looked good, then maybe I didn’t. She wanted me to believe I was only as good as my outer appearance.
After six days of this thought pattern, I was close to losing my mind from sheer frustration and anger. I didn’t even know who those emotions were directed at.
Maybe it was myself.
I tried to keep a smile on my face in front of Sebastian, but it slipped. I knew he saw I wasn’t okay, and I wondered if he knew why.
If he did, then I wondered if he was trying to figure out how to tell me he wasn’t attracted to me anymore.
On New Year’s Eve, Sebastian got home at six, and I almost didn’t want to see him. I felt torn between hiding out or finding the sluttiest thing I could and trying to seduce him. Neither of them were really the greatest ideas. Instead, I settled on sitting on the couch and mindlessly playing on my phone.
“Hey,” Sebastian said. “How was your day?”
Terrible. Awful. No good.
“It was fine,” I replied.
“Was it? You seem quiet.”
“I’m fine. How was your day?” The words came out flat and tired. Sebastian blinked at me, confused.
“It was good. Slow, considering it’s New Year’s Eve.”
“Good,” I replied, trying—and failing—to sound normal. Why couldn’t I get over this? Sex was never a guaranteed thing in our relationship.
But the way he turned me down stuck with me.
“Sierra is having a small get together at her house for the New Year. Do you want to go?”
I considered it. I liked Sierra and I needed some kind of distraction to stop myself from continuing to wallow in the terrible feeling I had.
“Sure,” I said.
“Are you sure?” he asked. “I know you haven’t been in a good mood recently, but—”
“It’s fine. I’ll get changed.” I stood to find a more party-appropriate outfit. I wound up wearing makeup, since Martin could easily find out how I looked from someone else at the party. When I came out of my room, Sebastian looked at me, and then quickly turned away.
I was almost transported back to the honeymoon, where he would hide his glances at me just like that.
Why was he acting like this? Why did he seem to be intrigued, and yet disinterested sexually? It was like he was trying to be the exact opposite of what he used to be.
We took his car to the party, and I didn’t have much to say to him. I was in such a dark mood that I didn’t want to talk; and anything I could say to him, I didn’t want it to start a fight. He kept glancing at me, as if trying to come up with something to say, but nothing ever came out.
Sierra lived in a high-rise apartment in downtown. They had a decent view of the river, and I guess, based on the atrocious traffic we sat in, that there was some sort of fireworks show in the area.
She answered the door with an excited grin. “You guys came!”
“Thanks for inviting us,” Sebastian said politely. I smiled, though I could feel it was forced.
“Come in, come in,” she said, stepping aside.
“Wow, this place is lovely,” I replied.
“Thank you. My brother found it for my husband and I. He’s a real estate investor, and I get this apartment at a crazy discount. Family connections, huh?”
“Right,” I said. “Is Carol here too?”
“Oh, no,” Sierra said, “she said she was ringing in the New Year asleep. Most of the older people are doing that; this is for us that have a little more energy. It’s some people from work, but a few of my friends are here too.”
I blinked for a moment, trying to adjust the type of party this was. Great. Young people. The kind that sometimes hit on me or Sebastian. Or the ones who wanted to drink and have a good time.
I was good at looking pretty but was a lost cause when it came to having fun.
“We can go if you want,” Sebastian whispered into my ear as Sierra walked ahead of us.
I shook my head. “No, it’s fine.”
“But you weren’t in a good mood when we left. You haven’t been all week since I said—”
“I’ll be fine.” I didn’t want to get into this here. “I have a lot of practice with faking being all right.”
I rounded the corner into her living room and noticed a few familiar faces, but none that I had really talked to. Dance music played and everyone seemed to be drinking something.
I was out of my depth. I was used to glitzy, fake parties. Not something with just friends hanging out.
“Oh, this is my brother, Derek,” Sierra said, grabbing a man by the arms. I turned to her, and then felt like the breath was punched out of me when I recognized him.
Derek was the guy from the welcome party. The one who had cornered me by the bathroom.
His eyes, of course, landed on me. Sebastian stiffened.
This was the last thing I needed. But I didn’t think I could get out of this with food poisoning again.
“Hi,” he said, only to me.
Sierra’s eyes narrowed at her brother. “Derek, what are you doing?”
“Don’t worry about it,” he muttered. “You’re the girl from the party, right?”
Sierra grabbed him. “Excuse us,” she said through gritted teeth, and dragged him away.
“So that’s who that guy was,” Sebastian muttered.
“Great,” I said, turning to the kitchen where I hoped the drinks were.
“Lily,” Sebastian said, following me. “What’s wrong? Is it that I said I couldn’t—”
“Not here.”
“I’m sorry,” he said. “If you’d let me explain myself, I could tell you what I meant.”
“We don’t need to talk about this here. I don’t want to talk about it at all, actually.”
Because I didn’t want to hear that he didn’t want me.
“You’re upset. Why did you come if you weren’t okay?”
“I needed to get out of the house. I didn’t know I’d be running into the guy who cornered me at another party and tried to get me to sleep with him,” I muttered. “I also didn’t know this was more of a social party.”
“I mean . . . I thought more coworkers would be here, but she did say it was more for people our age.”
“I thought this was something for us to look good at.”
“I . . . no. I just thought it would be fun. I thought it would put you in a better mood.”
I sighed. “Okay, then you have fun.”
“W-what?”
“You know these people better than I do. I’m not good at socializing. Not the fun kind anyway. You go and chat and I’ll hide out here.”
“I’m their boss. Or at least for some of them.”
“They must not be too intimidated if they invited you.”
“Maybe, but I’m not leaving you here.”
“Why not?”
“Because that guy is here.”
That filled me with a warmth that I knew wouldn’t go anywhere. It almost made me angrier. He could be protective but not even want me?
“Then I’ll just stay with you,” I said with a sigh. “Let me get a drink first.”
I poured cheap champagne into a Solo cup and dutifully followed him. He didn’t seem too excited about talking with others, but the people all seemed nice. As time went on, he opened up a little more. He was less business and more of himself.
It was bittersweet for me. I liked seeing him open with people, but that didn’t seem to apply to us in certain ways.
I could feel myself zoning out as he talked. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Sierra looking at me. When she gestured for me to come talk to her, I walked over, not even sure if Sebastian had noticed.
“So . . .” Sierra started. “My brother said he hit on you at the welcome party.”
I cringed. “He told you that?”
“Not with words. But he has a thing for married women, which by the way, is disgusting and I don’t approve of.”
“It’s . . . it’s fine.
“Not really. I don’t want you to be uncomfortable here. I can send him home.”
“Don’t worry about it.”
“He . . . did also say one other thing. At the party, when Sebastian found, he said he seemed . . . very mad. Like so much so that Derek was worried.”
“I’m sure he’s used to dealing with irate spouses,” I muttered.
“Yes, he is. But he seemed to think Sebastian only blamed you.”
I laughed uncomfortably. “Sebastian’s your boss. Are you sure you should be having this conversation with me?”
“I’m not scared of my boss. What I am scared of is something might be going on with you two and I turn a blind eye on it.”
“There’s nothing happening.”
“Does he hit you?”
I turned to her fully with wide eyes. “God, no.”
Sierra let out a breath of relief. “Good. I was worried I’d have to kill him. He seems nice, but they all do.”
“No, that night was . . . that night was just a weird one. Sebastian didn’t know Derek was your brother. He thought I knew him and invited him.”
“Oh,” Sierra said.
“And I didn’t. But I stay at home and don’t really have a job. So, Sebastian thought I was . . . you know.”
“Men are idiots.”
“I’m not blameless here. We’re both bad at communicating.”
And I still was. I’d been icing him out for a week because he’d told me he couldn’t sleep with me. While I was hurt, I knew I couldn’t keep doing this.
“Marriage is difficult,” Sierra said, bringing me out of my thoughts. “On my first date with my husband, I told him I liked strawberry ice cream for some stupid reason, and I don’t. Now it’s all he ever gets me and it’s so sweet I haven’t been able to correct him.”
“You could just tell him.”
“It’s never that easy, is it?”
I nodded, knowing she was right. I hadn’t talked to Sebastian about a lot things. Getting married was the easy part. Talking was not.
“Thank you for checking on me,” I said to Sierra. “But we’re fine. I promise.”
For a moment, I couldn’t help but wonder what Sierra would think when we got divorced. Would she remember this conversation and see the cracks in our story?
I glanced over at Sebastian and found him looking at me. He seemed worried, but also a little lonely. I took a deep breath.
“I should get back to him.”
“Hey, let me know if you need anything, okay?” Sierra offered.
“Thank you,” I said. Maybe once I was alone again I would take her up on that.
When I walked back over, I expected Sebastian to ask me what I was doing, but his arm only settled behind me comfortably. He looked relaxed again, as if he was happy to have me back next to him.
My stomach coiled bitterly. I wish he was happy to have me near him in all ways.
I knew I had to talk to him when we got back. I had to.
As I thought about how to approach the conversation, I saw people crowding around the TV. Someone had brought out Just Dance.
“Wow, I never thought I’d see the day that a bunch of drunk twentysomethings play a kid’s game,” I said, laughing as two guys danced off to “Poker Face.”
“You like dancing, right?” Sebastian asked.
“Oh yeah,” I said. “But I haven’t played a dancing game in years. Plus, it’s embarrassing. Not a story I want to get out.”
“I don’t think anyone here will be sober enough to remember.”
I bit my lip, considering it.
“I’ll dance with you!” a third voice said, and I turned to see Sierra had joined us. “Come on, it can’t be any worse than the dancing that’s already happening.”
“I don’t think I’ve had enough to drink to dance in front of a crowd.”
“So? You don’t need to be drunk to have a good time.”
I contemplated it for another moment before realizing I hadn’t done anything for myself at this party. I had just lingered and pretended to be interested while Sebastian did most of the talking. But I wanted to do something for myself.
“Let’s do it,” I said.
We wound up dancing to a K-pop song, something I hadn’t heard in years, but it had lots of jumping and fun moves that kept me entertained. Sierra actually managed to keep up with me, and she edged me out of first place by just a few points.
“Hell, yeah!” she said, panting. “That was epic.”
“Another one!” someone yelled.
And so we danced on.
The next was a slower dance, one that made me move my hips. I hadn’t danced like this since . . . well, since the honeymoon.
I took a chance and peeked over at Sebastian, who was leaning against the side of the couch watching me.
And in that moment, I didn’t really care about anyone else in the room. Sebastian was looking at me, just like he had our first night together on the honeymoon. His eyes were dark, and he looked like he would take me back to our house at any moment and never let me leave.
The song ended and the spell was broken. As soon as I had noticed it, the expression on Sebastian’s face faded away, and I wondered if it was going to come back.
“That was awesome,” Sierra said, wiping her forehead. “But I’m too old to keep going.”
“My turn!” another girl yelled and ran up to us. Her and a friend took our places as we stepped aside to get something else to drink.
“That looked fun,” Sebastian said, walking up to me as I gulped down water.
I glanced over at Sierra, who had been pulled aside by one of her friends.
“It was,” I said. “I haven’t danced like that since Puerto Rico.”
“Really?”
I shrugged. “It’s not like I can go to a club where I might be recognized.”
“You looked good out there,” a man said as he walked past to get a drink. “Very hot.”
Sebastian glared, but the guy didn’t stick around. He grabbed another beer and left.
“Everyone certainly noticed,” he commented.
“You said everyone was too drunk to care,” I said. “I mean, I wouldn’t have danced if—”
“No, it’s not you. You looked . . . great.”
I blushed, and while I wanted to kiss him again, to make some kind of move, I didn’t want to be let down. Instead, we walked to the living room to people watch.
He stood annoyingly close to me, and I wondered if he would kiss me at midnight.
When 11:30 came around, Sierra changed the TV to Nashville’s ball drop. A few people complained, but the desire to watch the festivities of the new year won out. I had never seen how Nashville celebrated; it looked fun. People on-screen danced to live music. Even a few people in the apartment joined in.
I knew a New Year was just fabricated, but it was a time to reflect. In the last few months, I had moved to Nashville, lost a friend, gained one, and changed my relationship with my husband. And in the new one? I didn’t know. I had about eight months until this marriage was over. I didn’t know what would come in that time.
“What are you thinking about?” he asked.
“Oh, just the fact that New Years is technically meaningless, but I still find value in it anyway. After all, there is significance in self-reflection and having hope for the future, and I think it’s nice we spend this time thinking about it.”
Sebastian raised an eyebrow. “That’s very introspective.”
“Well, I did a lot of writing today. It tends to happen.”
“When you trust me again . . . would you let me read what you write?”
I blushed. He had technically already read it. Well, everything except for the in-progress ending.
And he’d know immediately who he was.
“Um, maybe,” I said. And I would—if I found a way to explain it to him in a way that wouldn’t make him tell my family what I’d written out of seething anger.
I wanted to trust he wouldn’t rat me out, and so far, he never had, but putting him in my story as someone so terrible, especially considering his past, could really hurt him. In my experience, the people in my life went for revenge when they felt wronged.
“I bet I’d love it,” he added.
“I could drop a hint some time and see if you pick up on it.”
He looked excited. “Then I’ll be waiting.”
I internally cursed, but there was another part of me that wanted him to know. I wanted to be totally open with him, not only with sex, but with this too.
And yet, I was still afraid he’d hate me when he found out.
“What’s it about?” he asked. “You can at least tell me that, right?”
“It’s about a girl who has been controlled her whole life, and how she tries to escape and save her throne.”
He gaze was sad. “Sounds a little autobiographical.”
“Yeah, it turned out to be,” I said softly.
“I can tell you love it by the way you protect it,” he said. “Seeing you be so passionate about something you love is nice, you know.”
I nodded. Fear trickled through my veins over how he’d react when I told him, but it was a little slower, a little more controlled.
We were interrupted when people started counting down. I turned to see the numbers go by one by one until we were under ten. Sebastian nudged me and began counting too, and I joined in right at the end.
People kissed and cheered. Outside of the windows of the apartment, fireworks exploded in flashes and flickers of red, gold, green, and blue as we welcomed a new year.
But I didn’t get to notice most of that, because right as the clock struck midnight, Sebastian grabbed my arm and turned me to kiss him.
I totally forgot we were in public when his lips met mine. They were so warm, and despite all the dark thoughts I’d had that night, I kissed him back. My body craved more, and I leaned into him as I lost myself in his embrace.
We kissed for what felt like forever, but also like no time passed at all. Sebastian was the one who pulled away first, planting his hands on my hips. He looked red-faced, and his eyes were on me, dark and hungry. I had half a mind to find a bathroom, but then he said, “We should get home.”
I nodded vigorously, forgetting what he’d said a week ago. Maybe he’d changed his mind.
We said our goodbyes to Sierra, who was still in the arms of her husband, and headed home. As he drove, I thought that maybe all my dark thoughts weren’t real. Maybe this was like the scenarios I’d thought about him and Heather, where I assumed and blew it out of proportion.
My heart raced as we walked in. I turned to ask him to come up to my room, but I found him walking toward the master bedroom.
“Where are you going?” I asked.
“I don’t need to mess up my sleep schedule by staying awake too late,” he said casually. “I was thinking I’d go to bed.”
“What?” I asked, blinking in shock.
“I said I was heading to bed.”
“That’s it?” My blood turned cold.
“Yes? Why? What’s the matter?”
It all came rushing back to me. Him telling me he couldn’t sleep with me and me being so hurt I’d gone back into my shell.
“We need to talk,” I said.
“Is this about what I said last week?”
“Yes. I’m so confused, Sebastian. You kissed the hell out of me at the party and looked at me like . . . like you wanted me, and then suddenly we’re just going to bed? Nothing else?”
“I told you last week, I can’t.”
“Are you asexual or something? If you are, it’s fine—”
“No, it’s not that.”
“Is work stressing you out?”
“Work is fine.”
“Your dad? My dad?”
“Nothing is going on.”
Other than me gaining weight, maybe.
“It’s me, isn’t it?”
“What?” he asked, looking confused.
“I can’t do this.” My emotions hit me harder than I expected. “I can’t keep wondering what I did wrong. Why you suddenly changed your mind about me.”
“What are you talking about?” he asked. “It’s not you.”
“Yes, it is,” I said tightly. “I can read between the lines. You said it wasn’t me, but you looked guilty about it, like you were lying.”
Sebastian only stared at me, looking alarmed.
I shook my head. “Just say you’re not attracted to me.”
He blinked quickly several times, shocked out of his stupor. “Excuse me?”
“Just say it. You stopped wanting me when I started gaining weight, when I stopped wearing makeup around you all the time. Nothing changed other than that. I’m not stupid, Sebastian. It’s me. I’m what changed.”
He said lowly, “You think that I’m not attracted to you?”
“Yes,” I replied, “and I’d like you just to admit it instead of hiding it from me.”
Sebastian didn’t look like a deer in the headlights anymore. He looked mad.
“Lily, you haunt my dreams,” he said. “When I close my eyes at night, I see you, dressed in whatever the fuck you want to be in, whatever weight you are at. Any time I see any curve of you, any amount of skin, I want to touch it, with my hands, with my tongue. I don’t care what. I want you.”
I could feel my pulse race as I thought about what he was saying. I could almost feel the ghost of his touch on my skin.
“Then why do you turn away?” I asked.
“For four years, our relationship was based on faking it around each other and then only sex in private. And that . . . that wasn’t healthy, for either of us. I regret how I’ve treated you and I never wanted to do that again. Every time I think of having sex with you, I think about how you felt that I was using you. I want more than just a sexual relationship.”
“So, we can’t have sex at all?”
“Yes,” he said.
“Even though, from what you’ve said, both of us want to?”
“Yes,” he said, sighing. “This is for your own good.”
“And you get to decide that?”
Sebastian blinked. “I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want to repeat the same mistakes.”
“How do you know we’ll fall into those habits again? You don’t work as much anymore. My only problem was that we didn’t connect after we had sex.”
“And you felt you had to. I’m doing this so we can fix what we messed up for the last four years. We can focus on us without the pressure of sex. This is for you.”
“I’ve heard that before,” I said flatly. “And it’s never about me. It’s about what others think I need. You decided to keep me at arm’s length without asking me what I needed, which also hurt me.”
“I don’t want to hurt you, I just think—”
“How about you stop thinking and start listening to me?”
He froze and didn’t say anything further, so I decided to continue.
“What happened in the past was bad, and I regret how we went about things, but I’ve never once felt hurt about you sleeping with me. It was the only thing we had a connection with.”
“And isn’t that wrong? Don’t we want to foster our other connections rather than the only one we had for the entirety of our marriage?”
“It’s all the same connection. It’s all a marriage. We can work on the stuff we’re not good at while enjoying what we are good at. Restricting the good things feels like a punishment neither of us deserve.”
Sebastian let out a long breath of air, like tension was releasing from his muscles. “I hear you, but what I don’t understand is why you even want me after what I did to you. You should hate me.”
“And maybe I did for a time,” I admitted, “but I don’t now. The only thing I hate is that you decided for me.”
He looked torn. He only spoke after a long moment of silence.
“I’m sorry,” he said, quietly. “I don’t even know how to fix this. How do I stop from making this worse? What do I do to prevent this from happening again—”
I stopped him by walking over and putting a firm hand on his chest. It was a move, interestingly enough, that Rohanda used for Jamisson.
“The sorry is enough.”
“But I-I did what your parents did. I hurt you.”
“Have you ever heard of this thing called forgiveness?” I asked, lifting the corner of my mouth.
“You have no reason to forgive me.”
“That’s the best kind.”
He blinked, as if he recognized the words. “That’s from The Fair Originals, isn’t it?”
It was. Jamisson said it to Rohanda in book four.
“I did say I’ve read them a hundred times.”
“I guess you have.”
I pulled my hand away, sensing he was calmer now, but he grabbed it, interlacing our fingers together.
“I want you every day,” he said. “Don’t ever doubt that. Don’t ever doubt yourself. Lily, you are not the problem. You’ve never been the problem.”
“That’s not my experience,” I said shakily.
“I’m sorry,” he said. “You don’t deserve to feel that way.”
His forehead came to rest against mine, and I was shocked at how intimate this felt. For so long, I’d always thought sex was the ultimate form of intimacy, and for so long, that was what we had.
But now, standing in our living room, my forehead pressed against his, it felt intimate in a way we’d never been.
“Can I . . .” I paused, willing myself to have the courage to ask. “Can I stay with you tonight?”
“Of course,” Sebastian said. “I-I don’t know if I’m ready to do anything, though.”
“That’s okay,” I said. “I just want to be with you in any way.”
Spurred on by my bravery, I pulled back to kiss him softly. He reacted immediately, pressing his lips ever so slowly to mine.
He grabbed me by the hand and led me to his room. It was bigger than mine, but just as nice.
“Mind if I use the bathroom to wash my face?” I asked.
“You can use anything you want,” he said.
I smiled at him as I walked into the master bathroom and methodically took off the makeup. It was here that I really felt like his wife, using the bathroom that he did, using the extra sink that was meant for a partner.
“Hey,” he said. “I have some comfortable pajamas if you want to borrow them. You might have to tie the waist, though.”
“I’d love that,” I said, taking the offered clothes. They were a little big, and I had to not only tie the waist, but roll the extra fabric at my ankles.
But I was very comfortable.
After getting changed, I laid next to him, facing him as I adjusted to the new room. He had the fan on and a sound machine in the background, filling the room with white noise that was already making me drowsy.
He reached over and put a gentle hand on my hip and said, “I’m happy you’re here.”
“Me too,” I said. He gave me a soft kiss on the forehead as he pulled me closer. My body aligned with his, warming in a way a blanket never could. I let myself melt into him and enjoy the warmth of his body. I could feel my worries fall away as I drifted off.
It was the most peaceful sleep I’d had in years.
Photo: fireworks from a royalty-free website.
LilyRMiller: Happy New Year!
MartinMiller: Short and sweet, Lily…
SebandLily4ever: you better be busy making babies!
RealBarbaraRoberts: I ask, once again, where are your faces? We miss you!
