“Get up, Izzy,” I heard Cade’s voice growl, venom in it. I jostled awake, not at all sure how Cade could be in my apartment.
Had I called him here? Please, God, I hoped to all that was holy that I hadn’t.
Fuck, my head hurt. And my mouth tasted like cotton and rum and maybe Cheetos after a whole night of rotting in my mouth. God, that was gross.
How I was still on the couch and Lucas was still under me not stirring was beyond me.
I jerked back to look at him and shook his shoulder. His strong chest shifted back and forth as I did, but he didn’t open his eyes. “Lucas.”
My first thought was no. My second thought was please, God, not again.
Déjà vu.
Cade sighed behind me, then rounded the corner to check Lucas’s pupils. “You guys enjoy yourselves? Because it looks like he’s not responding.”
My vision narrowed, the blood in my veins rushed, and the beat of my heart quickened.
“Lucas!” I screamed, grabbing his arm and vigorously shaking him. “We didn’t have that much to drink.”
I squinted, trying to remember. It’d been maybe two drinks and a shot. Lucas had consumed that much more than once with me, but I’d practically had to carry him down my hallway.
“He must have done something while you weren’t looking.” Cade wasn’t doing much other than dialing numbers on his phone, totally calm, as if this was normal.
My heart dropped, my breath shook, and my mind filled with what-ifs. “He couldn’t have. Lucas, you wouldn’t have, right?” I asked him, hoping he would answer. Hoping like hell my best friend could hear me and would pop out of his sleep and laugh. It would have been a cruel joke, but I’d have welcomed it.
Instead, he didn’t move, and my soul, my being, my mind, sloshed around in a river of disbelief. This had to be a dream. This couldn’t be happening.
As I tried to lay Lucas back down on the couch so I could do something, I screamed at Cade, “Call 911! God, what are you doi—”
Cade’s monotone voice cut me off. “Calm down.” And then he lifted the phone to his ear. “Yeah, we need an ambulance. One of my employees OD’d.”
“He didn’t do this,” I hissed at Cade. How dare he accuse him of it? My friend was sober; my friend was clean. We’d done the work, we’d put in the time, we’d had the meetings, the talks, the exchanging of promises.
I rubbed Lucas’s face, his strong jaw, his lips. Every part of him that was normally so full of life held death right at his doorstep.
My throat closed, and my gut twisted in fear. I couldn’t lose him to our shared weakness, not when we were this close to being stronger than it.
“Please, please, please. Please be okay. Just stay with me, Lucas. Do you hear me? I need you. We all need you.”
I broke, and the tears spilled from my eyes as I pulled him close, his head falling to my shoulders.
“Yes, I’m aware. He’s alive. But I need an ambulance here immediately. We’re at Liberty Greene Apartments, number 307.” That fucker’s monotone voice as he said the words grated on my every nerve. I wanted to kill him, my rage at the world directed at him and anyone if they thought they could be above us, if they thought this wasn’t an emergency.
He didn’t understand.
Even if Lucas had slipped, this wasn’t his fault. It could never be his fault. Didn’t people get that? That we struggled every day to come back from something that clawed within us to get out.
Cade’s boot tapped as he glared at us while he waited for whatever the dispatcher was saying. “I can check for a pulse, but he’s alive.” He waited a moment. “Because he hasn’t yet turned the color I know so well.”
His admission was a reminder I needed for later, one I’d filed away. Cade had seen dead bodies before—he’d killed before. I knew from working undercover what the Armanelli name meant. And even if they were reformed, even if he and his brother didn’t want to do anything bad, they still could.
“Well, I’m not going to be in the ambulance, that’s for sure,” he said like he was affronted. “His friend is here. She’ll need to be checked also. They were together, and she’s hyperventilating.”
I wouldn’t correct him about anything.
“I’m not sure what she’s done.” Cade eyed me suspiciously, and I accepted the fact that not even he would ever consider me as anything but a flight risk. Even if I believed in myself, I’d always be the first one they looked at as an addict, the one who may have grabbed the drugs and risked her life. “But I’m sure she’s not on drugs. Just her friend.”
His assessment had my jaw dropping.
He continued, “Also, this won’t be logged. I need to talk with the chief. You can tell him it’s Cade Armanelli.”
“What are you doing?” I whisper-yelled at him. “Just hang up. I need your help.”
“There’s nothing to help with. He’s out cold right now.” Cade lifted a brow like I was stupid.
“He could die!” I screeched.
“Dollface, your friend will be fine.” He pulled a lock of my hair. “His breathing isn’t shallow enough for death. A coma at the most. It’s not your fault, and we’ll get through this, but I have to talk with the chief.” He shrugged like it was no big deal and then turned around to speak with the chief of police for some unknown reason. “Yeah. It’s Cade. You need to check the cameras of this building. They’re not secure anymore.”
I held my friend as Cade walked out of the room. I rocked him back and forth, back and forth. I cried as I sang a song my mom used to sing to me as a kid. Maybe he’d be comforted by it, or maybe it was a comfort for me, I wasn’t sure.
As the paramedics rushed in, I held his hand until they wouldn’t let me anymore. I rode in the ambulance because Cade demanded I be let in after he threw his name around.
The shift in treatment was immediate. They administered Narcan to reverse the drug overdose as I stared on and then took him back to the ICU, but the doctor came and gave me information on him immediately. There were no wait times, no brush-offs, and no checking of my credentials. This was the Armanelli treatment, and I was very aware that it was different from what a normal person walking in would experience.
But Cade was gone. He didn’t ride in the ambulance with me. Instead, two men in suits walked up as I left the ambulance. One introduced himself as a friend of Cade’s and said he would be staying with me until Cade returned.
“What do you mean?” I huffed. “I don’t need someone here with me.”
“Tough, Ms. Hardy. We will be with you for the near future.”
A nurse told me they would give him fluids and run tests and that I could wait in the lobby. So I sat in the waiting room, staring at a screen, not sure who to call or what to do. Lucas didn’t have much family that he kept in contact with, and I didn’t want to tell anyone he’d OD’d. He could do that when he was ready.
And he would be ready. Because he was going to wake up.
The only person I could think to text was Cade and not for any other reason than to get rid of his goons.
Me: Your men here are unnecessary.
Cade: Look at them as company.
Me: I don’t want company. Lucas wouldn’t either. We need privacy.
Cade: Privacy for what?
Me: He’s fighting for his life in there. Do you even care?
Cade: Well, I sent my men there, didn’t I?
I scoffed. He didn’t understand that sending a stranger to witness someone’s private agony wasn’t helping.
Me: You saw him lying there lifeless and didn’t even come to the hospital.
Cade: His vitals are strong. They’re running bloodwork to see what happened with the drugs. He’ll be fine. The doctor’s charts say so.
Me: Did they call you?
Cade: No.
Me: Then how do you know?
Cade didn’t respond to the question, and he didn’t have to. He’d probably breached the hospital system to find that out. I envied how good he was, and my heart melted a little that he’d checked.
Me: If you want to see how someone is doing, you can come to the hospital to see, Cade. You don’t have to hack the hospital system.
Cade: I’m working.
Me: Fine. I’ll see you at work on Monday, then.
I silenced my phone and shoved it back in my pocket. I needed to be present for my friend.
Not more than an hour later, though, I heard a voice I wasn’t expecting. “Here,” Cade grumbled as he shoved a box of candy canes in my face.
“What?” I whispered, my heart racing even as my eyes started to tear up. “What’s this?”
I knew what it was. It was Cade making a freaking gesture.
It was him bringing what he knew both Lucas and I needed most of the time. He acted like he didn’t watch us, like he didn’t care about others, but there was so much in him that was good, and this was proof of it.
“What’s it look like? They’re candy canes,” he said as if I were the most dense person he’d ever come across. Then he shook them in front of me, an invitation to take them.
I grabbed them and hugged them close. I was still in my black dress and felt ridiculous in that moment. My hair was a wavy mess, and my clothes were utterly wrinkled from a night out and sleeping on a couch.
My jaw dropped when Cade lifted a bag he had in his other hand and pulled out a baggy T-shirt of mine that had Boyz II Men on it, my favorite mom jeans, and flip-flops. “You should go change.”
“How did you get my clothes?” I murmured.
“Do you really want to know?” He rolled his eyes and then rubbed them like he was tired of everything. “Go change, dollface.”
I snatched the clothes and ran to the bathroom before I could burst into tears in front of him.
Cade was quickly becoming the person who wasn’t the enemy and instead the man who saved me from my burning dumpster fire of a day. And as I got changed in the hospital bathroom stall, I realized that my heart squeezed and almost fell apart whenever I saw him. People didn’t break down in tough situations unless someone else was there whom they trusted, whom they could lean on, whom they knew would have their back as they broke. It scared me that my soul trusted him, that I was happy he was here instead of anyone else.
How could I avoid that anymore? I loved him. Wildly. Passionately. Uninhibitedly.
I splashed some water on my face and wiped away as much of the mascara as I could. My hair was a wavy mess, and my face was free of most of my makeup. In flip flops and baggy clothes, I felt comfortable and like maybe I’d be able to get through this without crumbling.
When I returned to the lobby, I found him sitting there, typing away on his phone as always.
I cleared my throat. “Thanks for bringing a change of clothes and candy for me.” Should I tell him? Blurt out my love for him and see if he reciprocated it?
He waved away my thank you. “What do you want to eat?”
“Huh?” I asked.
“You haven’t eaten, have you?” He threw a pointed look at my stomach.
“I’m not very hungry at the moment, Cade.”
He just rolled his eyes and then went back to his phone.
We didn’t talk for a good five minutes as I stared up at the TV, not watching it at all. What could I talk to him about? We didn’t really get along except when we got along much too well without our clothes on.
“You don’t have to stay here, you know? I can send you updates on Lucas when I get them.”
“I don’t need updates,” he grumbled.
“Oh, right. Because you just hack into systems to get all your information.” I grumbled back. Then I ground my teeth together because he’d just been nice enough to bring me clothes. “I’m sorry.”
That got him to put his phone down and peer over at me. As he studied me, I wiggled in the uncomfortable plastic seat next to him. I swear he enjoyed making people sweat because a smile whipped across his face, pure and utter joy filled it, and I was shocked at how young and innocent it made him look. “Izzy, you apologize to me for your anger as if it’s not the thing I like most about you.”
“You like me being a bitch to you?” I curled my lip. “Get real.”
“I do. It’s who you are.”
“You’re saying I’m a bitch.”
“I’m saying you’re fiery and a little off sometimes. I enjoy it. It’s why I almost fucked you in an elevator after spraying your boyfriend in the face. It’s why I fucked you when you spray-painted our bed and when you broke my laptop, and why I’ll probably continue to think of fucking you forever.”
“Can we not bring up my outbursts?”
His smile grew even bigger. “How is Gerald, by the way?”
“I don’t know. He hasn’t texted me since . . .” I threw up my hands. “None of this matters. Lucas matters, and I wish they’d let me back there to see him.”
He sighed, glanced at his phone, and then got up from his seat. “Food’s here for you.”
Confused, I glanced up. A delivery guy was bringing two bags of sandwiches and chips our way.
“Jesus, are you actually a thoughtful person?” I couldn’t stop myself from asking.
He shrugged. “I’m taking care of my employees.” He emphasized the last word and kept his eyes on me.
Pursing my lips, I nodded and took the bag. “Right. Let me go get some cash . . .”
As I moved to walk past him, he gripped my elbow and leaned in. “I’m not that nice, Izzy. You try to pay me back, and I’ll take you to a hospital closet and gag you with the money.”
His touch on my arm sent sparks all through my body. I ripped it away because I didn’t want to feel anything for him. I couldn’t. This wasn’t the place or the time. “You should go.”
He shook his head no.
“Cade, Lucas and I need this,” I said, but really I needed it. I needed him to leave, to leave me with my thoughts and my feelings, and to get a moment to sort through all of them. Love would shatter me, and I think I knew that this was exactly where it was headed. I rubbed at the scrape on my neck that was left from our activities the night before.
We’d done that.
And how was I to know that I could survive when my best friend lay in a hospital bed not surviving what we’d both fought so hard for.
Sobriety meant making healthy choices, even when they felt like the most painful ones.
“I don’t trust myself with you, Cade. I need this. I need time,” I whispered.
His stare was full of frustration. “I’m not good at waiting, Izzy.”
I rolled my lips between my teeth, not sure I could hold out much longer away from him anyway.
He sighed and ran a hand through his thick hair. “Do you have anyone you can call to be here with you?”
“Other than security for no good reason?” I pointed at some of the men in suits. What could I say? I couldn’t bring myself to call my family. Delilah would be concerned. They’d worry, and their worry would bring the weighted guilt of what I’d already done to them. “I’m fine here on my own. I’d like Lucas to have his privacy.”
“It’s still good to have support,” he pointed out.
I wondered if he believed that, if he ever had support. “Would you call your family if they worried constantly about you relapsing?”
He tilted his head like he was considering it. “Sure. Bastian would be there.”
I gulped as he said his brother’s name. Sebastian Armanelli. It should have brought a lot more fear than it did. “You love your brother?”
He smiled like he knew the real question I was asking. “I will always love my brother, dollface. And I stand by everything he’s done and does, even all the mistakes he’s made. Just like I’m sure your brothers and sister would do for you. Family doesn’t shrink from your mistakes and disappear; they just sink their roots in deeper to get you out.”
I bit my lip because I wanted to believe what he was saying, because I wanted to think that my family didn’t want to rid themselves of their bad wolf, but I couldn’t. Instead, I just shrugged.
“Ah, it’s something that’s learned, Izzy. We’ll have you figure it out one day.” Cade motioned to the food. “Now, sit and eat your sandwich.”
I sighed. Even if I was hungry, eating anything right now felt ridiculous. “I wish he’d wake up to eat with me. He loves subs. Or that they’d at least let me in to see him.”
“They will soon enough. Now eat. I made it a priority to feed you on that retreat. You’ll have to do it on your own now while you make me wait to be a part of your life for God only knows what reason that is today.”
I grumbled that he might be waiting a long time and then asked, “Why is it a priority that I eat?”
“We can’t give Gerald the satisfaction of you losing your ass, now, can we?”
It was an insult or a joke or maybe a compliment. Either way, he got the first smile pulled from me that day as I listened to him and sat down.
Before he left, the man strode up to me and tipped my face up to his. “It’ll be okay, baby doll. I promise.”
Then he kissed my forehead and walked over to the nurse’s station.
Cade wasn’t a god. He wasn’t a doctor. He wasn’t even a nurse. Yet I believed him. Maybe because I wanted to or maybe because amongst the men in our world, Cade really was a higher power of some sort.
Further proof of it showed when, not a minute later, a nurse came to usher me back to Lucas’s room and I saw Cade standing down the hallway, giving us a final nod like he’d orchestrated getting me into his room.
I didn’t have time to read into it. I was focused on Lucas as I hurried into the sterile, overly clean room. The white curtain was pulled back and the monitors were beeping as my big lug of a friend lay there, quiet, peaceful, and without a smile on his ever-happy face.
Lucas looked like he was resting, and I hoped he felt like it too. I hoped he was putting his demons to bed as he slept in between the world of life and the one of death.
Crying for him wouldn’t do him any good, but I did it anyway. Then I tucked in his sheets just right and rearranged his tray table to make sure the tissues were set up there with a cup of water for when he woke. I ordered food that wasn’t perishable, and I turned the TV on low and found BRAVO.
“Look, Lucas, it’s your favorite housewife. Kyle’s about to host another extravagant party. I swear, one day, they’ll realize none of the parties matter. It’s about who you spend your time with instead, huh?”
I hated that tears were running down my face again.
“I used to think it was all about a guy and the parties I went to with him. Can you believe that? Then, he left me and I realized his love was gone and I hadn’t taken the time to figure out how to love myself. Or how to love my family and the people who were really there for me, you know?”
It was a good reminder that I needed to go see them. That I needed to hug the ones I loved and cherish them every single second of every single day. They deserved that and so much more from me. Self-loathing after addiction was a bitch to get over, especially when I could recall the way they all cried for me, how my mother’s face broke when she saw me high. It’s funny how blackout gone I could be but the hardest glimpses of my reality were still etched in stone.
Now I just wanted to make them proud, do something better for the world than be an addict. The world deserved the good, not the bad, especially my family.
“Lucas, I found out some information, and I’m going to find out more. I’m going to show you we can be more than just this. You get that we can, right? We don’t have to fall back into the same patterns. We’re stronger.”
Maybe I was telling myself, maybe I was close to relapsing, maybe all this stress and emotion wasn’t good for me.
Or maybe I was right.
Without great risk, there’s no great reward, right?
I left the hospital quietly, rounding a corner and leaving Cade’s security behind. I didn’t want a tail or anyone to witness that I was going to dig and dig deep into the Albanians. I had a new mission.
One I was going to take care of on my own.
