“You’ve been staring at that basket of kachori and sulking for two days now,” Cole states as he barges through my bedroom door.
I glare at him. “Ever heard of knock—”
“Wow, would you look at that? He’s alive,” Oakley shouts.
Fucking hell. I’m not in the mood for this shit.
Swiveling in my computer chair, I face them. “Get out. Both of you.”
Hurt flashes in Oakley’s eyes before they narrow. “Fuck you, prick. You haven’t answered any of my phone calls and you haven’t been at school all week.” He wags a finger at me. “I demand an explanation.”
I raise an eyebrow. “Last I checked, my mother was dead.” Raising my middle finger, I turn my chair back around. “Unless you’re feeding or fucking me, I don’t owe you shit.”
Behind me, Cole snorts. “I guess that means we should get Dylan over here then.”
The tiny hairs on the back of my neck stand on end at the mention of her name.
“Fuck off.”
Focusing on my computer screen, I punch in a new line of code.
But then the screen goes black…because Oakley pulled the plug on my desktop monitor.
“What the hell, asshole? I was—”
“I don’t give a fuck.” Frowning, he gestures to Cole. “We’re worried about you, man.”
“I’m fine.”
“No, you’re not.” Scrubbing a hand down his face, he sits on the edge of my bed. “I figured you and Dylan would work your shit out, but that doesn’t seem to be happening.”
“Wow, good observation, Captain Obvious.”
Dylan and I can’t work out our shit.
There’s too much of it.
“Well, for what it’s worth, she’s miserable too,” he informs me. “Yesterday was her first day back at school and it’s only because my dad flipped his shit and Crystal forced her to go.” His eyes are grim. “She won’t talk to me…not like she used to. All she does is go to work and visit Liam’s grave.”
I’m about to remind him her lack of conversational skills probably has more to do with him screwing her aunt, but his last statement reverberates through my skull.
I swallow the brick in my throat. “She visits Liam?”
I can’t even bring myself to go there more than twice a year.
Cole takes a seat next to Oakley. “According to Sawyer, she’s been there every day this week…apologizing.” His face screws up. “Ever since the night of your birthday party, I’ve had a feeling something wasn’t adding up, but when Bianca unleashed on her…I fucking knew it.” He holds my gaze. “That wasn’t guilt, Jace…that was grief. I don’t give a fuck what Tommy says, that girl didn’t do a damn thing to Liam.”
His words are the equivalent of bullets piercing straight through my heart.
I know she didn’t.
The anguish in her eyes…it was like seeing Liam in that closet all over again.
I exhale sharply. “I know.”
It’s why I haven’t been at school this week.
Seeing her will rip me to shreds. Or rather, seeing her so upset and not being able to fix it will.
But I can’t. Not without betraying Liam.
As much as I hate to admit it, making Dylan pay for what I wrongly assumed she did was easier.
At least then, I got to have little pieces of her while trying to convince myself it was okay because I was defending my little brother’s honor.
Now I’m just back to feeling hollow and guilty all over again.
Just like I deserve.
I stand up and plug my monitor back in. “I have to get some work done.”
Cole and Oakley exchange a glance.
“Dude, seriously?”
“Seriously what? I have work to do.”
The company who purchased Z.I. asked if I could develop a sequel. The kind of money they’re offering will set me up for a while after I graduate, so I’d be dumb to screw it up.
“Are you kidding?” Cole’s nostrils flare. “Dylan being innocent doesn’t mean anything to you?”
“It means she’s a good person who didn’t deserve the shit I put her through, but…” I curb the end of my statement before I can finish it.
“But what?” He wrinkles his forehead. “You waiting for some other guy to tap that ass and set down roots before you come to your senses?”
My lips twist into a scowl. “What?”
He opens his arms wide. “I don’t know, man. I’m just trying to figure out why you’re still moping around when you know Dylan didn’t do anything wrong.”
“Because it doesn’t change anything,” I bite out.
I can’t have her.
He looks at me like I’ve sprouted another head. “Like hell it doesn’t.”
Huffing, Oakley walks over to my window and opens it. “I’m with Cole. Now that the truth is out, it’s time to man the fuck up and get your girl.”
What don’t these idiots understand? “She’s not my girl.”
Oakley takes the joint out from behind his ear and lights it. “Not yet.” Coughing, he hands it to me. “Give her a call and fix that shit.”
“Sure. Want me to resurrect Liam too, while I’m at it? Because that would be the only way to fix any of this.”
Confusion mars his face. “I thought we already settled this, my dude. Dylan didn’t do your brother dirty.”
Bringing the joint to my lips, I inhale deeply. “I know she didn’t.”
He snatches the joint from me. “Then no more ganga for you because you’ve obviously smoked yourself stupid.”
I glare at him. “I’m not stupid, dickhead. I’m—”
“Still letting your guilt over Liam’s death eat you alive,” Cole says with a heavy sigh. “Figured as much.”
“You say that like I don’t have every reason to.”
“You don’t.”
“Well, unless you performed a seance and asked him yourself, I’m not sure why you would think that.”
Cole was there that night. He knows what I did.
Liam would still be alive if I wasn’t so goddamn selfish.
He looks up at the ceiling. “I know Liam had feelings for Dylan, but it doesn’t mean you owe him the lock and key to your eternal happiness.”
“I betrayed him.”
Therefore, I deserve to suffer like he did. It’s only fair.
“No, you didn’t,” Cole argues. “You fell in love with your best friend. Last I checked, that wasn’t a crime.”
Cole doesn’t get it. Then again, his sense of loyalty has always been skewed.
“It is when she’s not mine to fall in love with. I broke the rules.”
And I’ll forever pay the price.
Muttering a curse, he stands up. “There were no rules, Jace. Dylan was never his.”
I open my mouth to argue, but it only makes him more enraged. “That girl has been looking at you like you strung up the goddamn moon since the first day you brought her home, you dumbass.” He pokes my chest with his finger. “Liam never stood a chance, because Dylan’s heart was already taken.”
“I know.”
Animosity surges in my gut. I loved her first.
Hell, I loved her before I even knew her name.
Back when she used to sit on the playground by herself with her headphones on…tuning out the world.
I wanted to join whatever world she’d built.
Then one day she walked over to me…and I got my chance.
But Liam declared she was his and it all went up in smoke.
Now he’s dead, Dylan’s heartbroken…and I’m still sitting here choking on the goddamn ashes of the mess I made.
All because I didn’t know the feeling in my chest when I saw her for the first time was love.
But Liam did…therefore he won the proverbial coin toss and got the girl.
Only he didn’t.
Shame crawls up my spine. “I can’t be with Dylan and grieve Liam at the same time.” My jaw is so tight I can barely get a word out. “I can’t truly atone for what I’ve done if—”
“Listen to me and listen to me good,” Cole grits out through clenched teeth while pointing to his face. “You are not responsible for Liam’s death.”
“If I’m not then who is?” If it wasn’t so tragic, Cole’s resolve would be laughable. “Not only did I betray him, I said some really awful shit to him that night. As his big brother and best friend, I should have been there for him…but I wasn’t. I wasn’t any of the things Liam needed me to be when it actually fucking counted.”
There’s no coming back from that.
His gaze cuts to mine. “Still wasn’t your fault.” He sits back down on the bed. “Liam, and Liam alone, chose a permanent solution to a temporary problem.”
“A problem I created for him.”
“How was loving Dylan a problem?” Oak interjects with a shrug. “I know Liam had a crush on Dylan and all but—not to be a dick— Liam and Dylan never dated. Hell, they never even came close. Given what Cole said, it seems like it was pretty obvious she was in love with you from the get-go and vice versa. Therefore, I don’t see how his death was your fault. Or anyone’s for that matter…except those assholes who teased him at school.” He looks around the room. “Or are we just going to keep ignoring that?”
“Bullying wasn’t why Liam killed himself.”
“And you know that how?” Cole bites out. “Were you with him in the closet that night?”
“Of course not, but Liam killed himself hours after we got into a fight because I betrayed him.”
“And hours after Tommy and those other dipshits made fun of him at the school dance.” He jumps to his feet. “You know he had issues, Jace. You and Dad can bury your heads in the sand all you want about that shit, but Liam was bipolar…just like Mom. The signs were all there. One second, he was happy…and two weeks later he was lying in bed the whole weekend acting like an irritable, miserable prick.”
A spike of anger runs through me. “Just because someone is bipolar doesn’t make them an asshole.”
“No, it doesn’t…but it does make them human. I know in your eyes Liam was a saint, but if he was here right now, he’d tell you he wasn’t. He’d also tell you he missed Mom, and how much it hurt him that Dad wasn’t around. And how much he hated being bullied at school and that it seriously fucked him up.” Shame etches his features. “He’d tell you what happened to him wasn’t your fault. Because you were the best brother he could have asked for. You protected him and loved him…which is a hell of a lot more than anyone can say for me.”
Shit. “Cole don’t—”
He slaps his chest. “I was his twin brother, Jace. I knew him better than anyone. Why do you think it was so goddamn easy for me to hurt him all the time? If anyone is responsible for what happened, it’s me.” He laughs, but it’s a dark, humorless sound. “Screw the kids at school, his biggest bully was right here at home.”
Fuck. I have no idea what to say to that. Cole and Liam had a shitty relationship. But I don’t want Cole placing this burden on his shoulders.
I don’t want to lose the only brother I have left.
I drag a hand over my scalp. “You can’t blame yourself.”
“Well, then you can’t either.” Crossing his arms, he stares me down. “If you want me and Bianca to be happy…you have to lead the way. Show us good things can still happen, because right now it feels like all this fucked-up family is destined for is tragedy after tragedy.” He takes the joint from Oakley and brings it to his lips. “I don’t know about you, brother, but I’m getting really fucking sick of it.”
Ain’t that the truth. “Me too.”
“Then prove it.” Blowing out a cloud of smoke, he juts his chin toward the window. “Dylan makes you happy, man. And if you love me and Bianca—”
“And me,” Oak chimes in.
He shrugs when we look at him. “What? I was starting to feel left out.”
Cole smirks. “And Oakley, you’ll man the fuck up like he said and get your girl.”
Either Cole just manipulated the hell out of me, or he knows me better than I thought.
Either way, it worked.
It’s impossible for me to be truly happy without Dylan.
She’s the one this fucked-up thing in my chest beats and bleeds for.
I’m tired of living without the other half of my soul.
I’m tired of missing my best friend.
I’m tired of waking up every day with nothing when my everything is right there.
Determination flows through my veins. “Where is she?”
Oakley lights another joint. “Home.” He blinks. “Wait…nope. She’s gone.”
I bolt out of my chair. “What do you mean she’s gone?”
“Crystal felt bad about Wayne blowing a gasket and threatening to kick her out yesterday morning, so she got her tickets to some rock concert tonight.” He takes a quick drag and blows out a puff of smoke. “Sawyer was supposed to go with her, but her boss wouldn’t give her the night off work.” He shrugs. “She asked if I wanted to go, but I told her I’d rather shove a fork in my eye than listen to that crap.”
It’s all I can do not to wring his neck. “You let her go to a rock concert alone?”
He looks at Cole. “Was I not supposed to?”
Cole winces. “Judging by the murderous look in Jace’s eye, probably not.”
His gaze swings back my way. “My bad. I thought—”
“What concert?”
“Shit, I don’t know. I think it was Jimmy eating…something. Wait, maybe it was Lenny. Nope, it was definitely Ben—”
I don’t hear the rest of Oakley’s sentence because I’m charging out the door to get my girl.
