Christian took me to BJ’s birthday dinner.
Or, we went there together — is that the same thing?
He asked me to go, so I went with him.
And we sat together, and he put his arm around my chair, and he talked about my university course, told everyone how smart I am, what a good cook I am, that my Panna Cotta is better than theirs,1 he talked to me about how he’s been reading a book on the Pre-Raphaelites, and I wonder if there’s a chance that maybe — maybe — he likes me how I want him to.
And then I think about the last time, and it feels like a rug’s pulled out from under me. I thought it before, I thought it before it was true — it doesn’t matter that eventually it did become true, I thought it before it was there so I can’t trust anything I think I see in his feelings for me — I can’t read him, even if he’s the only thing I ever want to read for the rest of my life.
He likes sex, you know? He’s one of those guys. Loves a fuck. So, maybe we’re just back there again — I don’t know. He’s being sweet and attentive, and in some ways tonight felt like we were together but then midway through dinner he asked me what I was doing later.
And I gave him a confused look and poked him.
And he nodded once, pleased.
So I don’t know where his head’s at.
The dinner was weird anyway. BJ’s birthday is Valentine’s Day, so it’s already weird — like 8 people at a dinner on Valentine’s Day together? I’m sort of grateful for it though, because at least it meant I got to spend it with Christian. I’m not sure I would have gotten to otherwise. Maybe I would have? It’s hard to tell. I dressed for it, in case. Actually — Magnolia dressed me2 for it.3 She bought it all, hung it up in my room while I was making dinner one night. Wrote a note on it saying ‘wear me on Valentine’s Day.’
The dinner itself felt tense. That girl BJ’s dating seems to get on everyone’s nerves — and my brother and Magnolia weren’t there. Which I guess makes sense. Julian, anyway.
Magnolia not being there seemed weird — her and BJ, whatever they are and whatever they’re going to be, they’re going to be in each other’s lives for good. I hope that the girlfriend knows that.
I hope my brother knows that.
Christian and I walk in through my front door later that night and I call out hello.
No one says anything so I open my brother’s office door and—
Scream. Cover my eyes.
Christian starts laughing as a mostly-naked Magnolia Park squeaks and hides behind a mostly-naked brother of mine.
“Everyone calm down—” He rolls his eyes.
Christian looks over at me, one of his eyes shut to avoid seeing anything — and he peeks over at them first. Whacks me in my arm.
“Safe,” he tells me.
I look over at my brother who’s wrapped a bear skin rug around him and Magnolia, staring over at us unaffected.
“I so badly want there to be clothes underneath that rug.”
“Well, there aren’t.” He gives me a tight smile.
I roll my eyes at him and my eyes land on a broken green thing in the corner.
“Is that — did you—”
Julian cringes. “Yeah. I broke the Lalique vase.”
“Julian!” I cry.
“It broke.” He shrugs.
“And this!” I reach for another priceless artefact dented and on the floor.
“The Fanghu Vase?” I stare at him, horrified.
His cringe deepens.
I pick it up, inspecting it. “That’s nearly two thousand years old!”
“I know—” He sighs. “It was an accident.”
I stand, my hands on my hips. “How did this happen?”
Magnolia shakes her head. “You wouldn’t like the answer, I don’t think.”
I make a growl at her and she buries her face in my brother’s chest before she peers over at Christian. “How was tonight?”
Christian’s face strains like he’s sad for her or something. “Fine.”
Their eyes catch before hers fall to the floor and my brother tightens his grip around her and I feel worried for him.
“And your night?” I ask, just to be snippy. “How was that?”
“Highly pleasurable, Face. Thanks for asking.”
“Magnolia?” I glance at her. “Do you concur?”
“I do.” She nods, nose in the air, and my brother puts his chin on top of her head.
“Wait, are you using the Judith Leiber Chocolate Box Clutch Bag I got you for Valentine’s Day?” Magnolia asks me, bright eyes.
“Yes—” I scowl at her. “And why’d you get me a Valentine’s Day present?”
She shrugs. “I love gifts.” She turns to my brother. “Did you get me anything?”
Julian eyes her. “We aren’t together.”
“Right, no — of course.” Magnolia nods, eyes on the ground, frowning.
My brother groans. “I did get you some earrings the other day, that I saw, that I thought you’d like, I just got them — like in general, not for fucking Valentine’s Day though, yeah?”
And then her face lights up and — get this — so does his.
“Alright—” I turn on my heel. “Well, you two are — yuck. Get out of that rug and we’re going to—” I gesture behind me to leave.
“Head upstairs to have some more casual sex?” Magnolia calls after me brightly and I stop dead in my tracks.
“Oh my God,” my brother groans as he clamps his hand over her mouth.
Christian shakes his head, staring over at her.
“What is the matter with you?” he asks her loudly.
“What’s the matter with me!” she yells. “What’s the matter with you! What are you doing?”
“None of your business!” he over-annunciates.
“How is it not my business?” She stomps her foot. “You’re one of my oldest friends in the world and you’re behaving like an absolute buffoon—”
“And why is that?” I snap. “Because he’s sleeping with me?”
“Yes!” She nods, then shakes her head. “Well, no — but yes!”
My brother nudges her head with his chin. “Might want to unpack that one a little more before she kills you, Tiges…”4
Christian stares over at her. “Don’t.” Points a threatening finger. “Don’t you say a fucking word—” 5
“Well to be entirely honest, Christian,6 you’re not saying enough words for the both of us, so7 — he’s being completely emotionally reckless.”
“Stop talking—” He points over at her. “Cover her mouth — make her s—”
“How’s that now?” I cut in, glaring at her.
“Magnolia, I swear to God—”
“Well, Daisy—“ Magnolia shifts in my brothers arms, makes herself look taller somehow. “You’re sleeping together incredibly casually meanwhile Christian’s over here, with very strong feelings of affection for you.”
Christian freezes.
I stare over at her, eyes wide. I don’t even dare look at him. “How do you know?”
Magnolia’s face scrunches up and looks back at my brother, nodding her head in my direction, tapping her forehead tacitly asking if I’m all there, I think. Julian shrugs a bit like his guess is as good as any, and Christian — he’s standing there, staring at me, brows crooked, face pinched.
“How do you not know?” His head pulls back, confused. “I literally told you — I said it right to your face on New Year’s—”
I shake my head at him. “You didn’t say you liked me — you said I was—”
“Everything to me.” He nods once.8 “Yeah. Was that not obvious — to you? You, with the double doctorate and the—?”
I keep shaking my head. “Jumping to conclusions didn’t work out too well for me last time.”
Christian takes a step towards me. “There was nothing to conclude, Dais. I was pretty clear.”
I square my shoulders a bit, straightening up. “Not that clear.”
“Okay.” He nods once then ducks a little so we’re eye-to-eye. “Let me be clear now then, Daisy—” Gives me a tall look. “I am fucked up in love with you.9 Have never stopped loving you, since the second I realised I did, and I admit it, it took me too long to know it but I know it now, and I can’t unknow it. I don’t want to unknow it, I want to be with you.” He tells me, not looking away once. “And I’ll do whatever I need to to make us work. You want me to leave London with you? Great. I’m in—”
I don’t know what to say so I just stare at him, mouth fallen open, heart hammering away in my throat.
“You want me to quit, not have anything to do with this shit—” He gestures around us. “—fine. That’s fine, I don’t care, whatever it is, I’ll do it.”
Magnolia leans in ever so slightly towards him and whispers, “Perhaps you should start by kissing her.”10
His mouth pulls tight as he flicks his eyes over at her. “Perhaps you could help by getting the fuck out.”
Magnolia’s mouth drops open, horrified. 11
My brother’s staring over at me, smiling and happy for me. Soft like your face might go when you see someone you love get everything they’ve ever wanted.
“That was so rude.” She pouts.12
I’m staring over at Christian and he’s staring over at me, eyes wide, biting down on his lip and I’m laughing.13 My brother starts shuffling her out the door, shaking his head at the ridiculousness of her.14 Closes the door behind him.
Christian and I stand there, facing each other — the weirdest feeling of my life to date — and then I let out a bewildered laugh and he starts shaking his head, smiling and frowning at once.
“She’s so annoying—”
I breathe out, concede with a little shrug. “She’s kind of grown on me.”15
Christian reaches out for me, grabs my waist and tugs me towards him. “I love you.” Then he gives me a look, quick shake of the head. “Fuck, you’re stupid—”
“I am not!” I stare up at him, indignant, slip my arms around his neck. “You just spent all night telling people how clever I am—”
“Yeah, well — I’m retracting it now because you have the deduction skills of a toddler—”
“In a tertiary sense, I’ve always done incredibly well with critical thinking, thank you—”
He squints at me. “What about in the normal, useful way?”
I roll my eyes at him. “Just kiss me already.”
“Just say you love me back first,” he says very loudly.
I stare up at him, can’t believe that this is real life. I swallow once.
“I love you back.”
His face cracks into the best smile I’ve ever seen and will ever see, because his face is … fuck The Mona Lisa, screw The Last Supper, never think of Michelangelo’s David again — they all pale compared to him in front of me.
Rebecca Barnes and Jud Hemmes, they’re the real grandmasters of art in this world, that face of his that they made… it’s never stopped being the most perfect thing I’ve ever seen.
And how his eyes are right now, looking at me, they’re clouding over with want — I love it when they go like that. He licks his bottom lip, waiting for me.
Wordlessly, I peel his jacket from him and he doesn’t move a muscle, he just lets me.
It takes longer than seems natural for the jacket to fall from his body to the floor, like time is suspended, which actually now that I’m thinking of it, it’s how all time behaves in the presence of Christian Hemmes.
I glance up at him, and he’s still watching me, waiting.
I take the edge of his t-shirt between my finger and my thumb and I fiddle with the hem, biding my time, trying to wring this moment of all it’s worth, every part of it. His plain grey t-shirt, the fire behind us, the music my brother left playing in the background,16 the room barely lit and the smell of John Varvatos on the boy I love.
Christian Hemmes gives me the tiniest smile and I swallow nervously, even though I don’t know why I’m nervous, except that I hope I never stop feeling like this — like I’m floating and flying and falling at once.
I slide my hand under his shirt, and then up and over his head, throwing it to the side.
He presses his mouth together, eyes flickering around the room and suddenly, for the first time possibly ever in the history of time — he appears self-conscious. Trying his hardest not to smile when finally his eyes meet mine and he bites down on his bottom lip which sounds like he’s being sexy but really, he’s trying not to laugh which is also sexy, for some reason.
I reach for the button on top of his black jeans and his stomach tenses up and mine goes to knots thinking about what comes next.
He swallows, like he’s timid but he couldn’t possibly be but I can hear him breathing now, less steady, more ragged.
I reach for the zip — and peer up at him — a hint of a frown present.
“You still haven’t kissed me.”
He smiles again, big and broad and touching all corners. He hooks his arm around my neck and drives me towards him, our mouths crashing together.
Christian reaches down and starts undoing my top as he walks me backwards towards the couch.
He kicks his shoes off and as I fall backwards, I tug off his jeans and he stares down at me for seconds that drip by like hours on a rainy Sunday as I wait for him to touch me.
And then he does.
He kisses me again, but this time it’s all heavy with the weight of how he loves me pressing in against me.
All my old favourite things about doing this with him rush to the surface — things I haven’t let myself think about these last few weeks because I was scared of what we were doing, that it might kill me like before if he didn’t want me the way he does17 — like how I love where he rests his cheek on mine; how his hand always sits in the dip of the small of my back; how he gets instant sex hair about a minute in; how he pulls back to look down at me — before he’d lick his bottom lip and give me a look that would make me breathless but tonight he pulls back and looks at me — I mean, really looks at me, all over my face, sees through me like crystal — and then the corners of his mouth turn up because he loves me now.
And our bodies twist all rigid as we get closer to the end, and I love the end because the end is the part where he collapses on me all spent with his thudding heart and sweaty palms and it’s the closet I’ll ever feel to another human, I think, and the music that isn’t even playing anymore swells around us, every high note and perfect melody — loving him will be my magnum opus.
He pulls me in closer to him — I don’t know how much closer we could get — then he pushes my hair behind my ear like he always does.
“I can’t believe this is for real,” he tells me, holding my face.
I shake my head a tiny bit. “Me either.”
And then he kisses me again.
1 It is.
2 Sequin Embellished Silk Bustier (Oscar De La Renta); leather skinny trousers (Saint Laurent); Tulle and gros-grain sandals with bejeweled buckle (D&G); cherries pendant earring (E.M); Lexington 18-karat gold diamond necklace (David Yurman).
3 When I thought she was going, and I presume she thought she was going too.
4 “Would you let her kill me?” She bats her eyes at my brother.
“If you deserved it,” I tell her and the same time he says, “No.”
5 “Are you really going to let him talk to me like that?” She stares up at my brother and I roll my eyes.
“Yes.” He nods but tosses Christian a warning look. “But watch it.”
6 “Don’t be entirely honest, Parks—” he says, covering his eyes. I start to feel sick.
7 “Shut up—” he interrupts. She ignores him.
8 “God,” Magnolia whispers, elbowing my brother. “She’s not so good at reading between the lines, is she?”
9 Magnolia squeals, hands fly to her mouth in excitement.
10 Damn it, now I love her.
11 She spins around in my brother’s arms, staring up at him. “The gall! Telling me to get out—” She shakes her head, dismayed. ”The audacity! The nerve of that boy — can you believe it? Julian, did you hear that?”
12 Jules holds her face with his hands, gives her a sympathetic look. “I know…”
“In your office!”
“I know—” He nods again. “Very rude, Tiges.” Tilts his head at her. “We will give them the office though—”
“Oh.” She frowns. “Will we?”
13 “Just for a minute,” my brother tells her.
She frowns more.
“I shouldn’t much like to after his outburst. It sends a bit of a mixed message, no?”
“Sure, yeah—” my brother concedes. “We’re going to anyway—”
“Oh.” She folds her arms.
14 “I did that—” She points back at me and Christian. “I bet he thinks he did that but he didn’t do that, I did that, it’s because I’m good at matchmaking—”
Julian gives her a look, before saying gently. “I think they were already in love though.”
She lifts her eyebrows. “Thanks to…”
Jules gives her a rueful look. “Hate to break it to you Tiges, but honestly probably in spite of you. At least to begin with.”
Her mouth falls open again. “Well, we’re not having sex tonight.”
Julian scoops her up in his arms. “We already did.”
15 Don’t tell her.
16 “Beautiful War.” Kings of Leon.
17 He does!
