I woke up to the sound of chopping wood. I stretched and looked out the window. Andrusha was chopping wood. Fresh snowmobile tracks led away from the cabin. I got dressed and made my way down to the kitchen, where I found a pot of coffee still warm on the back of the stove.
I poured myself a cup and looked around the neat kitchen. I loved it out here. I loved the fresh air, the smell of a fire burning, and the fact that we were safe and tucked away from everything dangerous. It felt like some sort of winter paradise.
I slipped on my winter coat, the one that Charlie had given me, and stepped onto the back porch with my coffee. My favorite time of day was when Andrusha chopped wood. He looked so manly doing it.
He brought the ax over his head, slicing the heavy log halfway before heaving the entire thing up and doing a final chop. Two cleanly split pieces of wood fell to the ground.
He bent down and set one of them on the stump to chop further.
“Is Viktor checking his trapline?”
Andrusha looked over his shoulder at me. He drove the ax into the stump and walked up the stairs to the porch.
“What?” I asked, knowing the look on his face. He had something to tell me.
“Viktor went back to Vancouver.”
I could feel my heart beat in my chest. “What? Why would he do that?”
He leaned against the heavy railing and crossed his arms. “We have to take care of some things.”
“What kind of things?” My lips felt frozen. I knew something bad was coming.
He looked around the porch. “We can’t stay here forever, Olivia.”
Why can’t we? “I know.”
He pinned me with a look. “We need to start making plans.”
“Like for our new life?”
“Plans for a new life.”
A new life, not our new life. I studied him, wondering what he was planning. I had assumed that since he had left his life behind, we would be starting over together. Now I wasn’t so sure.
“So Viktor’s gone for a few days.” He had a casual smile on his face.
“You just told me that.”
He shrugged. “Big place like this, just the two of us.”
My eyes widened. We hadn’t done anything more than sleep side by side since Vancouver. At first, it was because Andrusha was so sick. And then, I think, by mutual consent—we weren’t doing anything because we were sharing close quarters with Viktor.
“What did you have in mind?”
He nodded towards the door. “Get inside. I’m done chopping wood.”
I flew at him, jumping into his arms. His mouth was all over me. The kisses were hot and frantic. We stumbled through the door, him trying to carry me while we both tried to tear our clothes off.
“Bed or couch.” He yanked my sweater over my head.
My mouth found his again, as I worked the buttons down his chest. “Whatever’s closer.”
“Couch.”
But he didn’t lay me on the couch. He put me on the rug beside the fire. Kneeling over me, he tugged at my big wool socks and then pulled my pants down.
“What cute little panties you have on.” His hands grabbed my legs, pulling me closer.
I scrambled to my knees, trying to undo his jeans. He took over, pushing them down and crawling over me.
“The things I want to do to you…” His mouth was on my neck, my shoulders, my breasts.
“Do them later.” I grabbed his hips, pulling him towards me. “I need to feel you.”
He pulled down my panties and used his hand to draw the tip of his cock down my entrance.
“You’re wet,” he breathed, pushing my legs further apart.
I wrapped my legs around him. “Hurry.”
He centered himself and then, with a heavy thrust, pushed himself into me.
I gasped at the wonder of the feeling.
“You feel fucking perfect,” he whispered hoarsely.
I groaned when he started to move. His powerful strokes made me delirious.
He flipped over on his back, taking me with him. I straddled him. “Do that thing.”
“What thing?”
“With your hips. Move on me.” He lifted his mouth to my breasts.
Bracing my knees on the floor, I began to move on him, slowly at first, finding my rhythm. I found that place where his cock fit perfectly against something inside of me. The sensations made me crazy. I started to move faster, chasing an orgasm that threatened to be overwhelming.
“Fuck, yeah, just like that,” he said between clenched teeth, his hands on my hips, his eyes between my legs.
And there it was. My orgasm rolled over me like a landslide, taking away my breath and twitching through my body with electrifying sensations. Andrusha flipped me onto my back. He curled his lip and winced before his entire body bucked against mine. He shouted something in Russian against my neck.
Breathing hard, he took his time rolling off me before he curled me against his chest.
We didn’t speak for a long time, both of us content to just hold each other.
He rolled over on his side, propped his head on his elbow, and looked at me. “So. Where do you want to live?”
I gave a happy shrug. “Doesn’t matter. Where do you want to live?”
He took my hand in his. “Olivia,” he said with regret.
And I knew. At that moment, I knew he wasn’t coming with me. My heart started to pound with emotion. “What?”
“You know what I want for you.”
I shook my head in protest. “You said you wanted a fresh start for me.”
“That is exactly what I want.”
I rolled towards him, my tone earnest. “We can have that together.”
He shook his head and sat up. “It doesn’t work like that.”
I scrambled to my knees and pulled my sweater on. “What am I to you?”
He stared at me long and hard. “You’re my atonement,” he said, holding my gaze, “and I even managed to fuck that up.”
“What are you atoning for?” I was scared to know the answer, but I knew he needed to tell me. No matter what.
A half-laugh escaped his lips, but his eyes never changed. “For being an asshole who commits crime for money.”
This from the man who had risked his life to save mine. He had sheltered me, taken a bullet for me. He risked his business and everything he owned. To save me, a damsel in distress, a broken dancer from nowhere with nowhere else to go. In my eyes, he was courageous and incredibly strong. The bravest man I’d ever met.
“I think you’ve earned your redemption.”
His eyes held pain. “I’ve done bad things. Things I don’t deserve to atone for.”
I shook my head. We all deserved happiness. To believe otherwise was an unthinkable hell. “Everyone deserves a second chance, Andrusha.”
He stood up and pulled on his pants. He paused to stare down at me intently, as if weighing my words against his life. Then he smiled at me with sad eyes that seemed to see inside my soul. “No. I don’t deserve you.”
I sat, motionless, long after he had walked out of the cabin. He wasn’t going with me. He wouldn’t let himself start over with me. I knew in my heart that he meant what he said, and there would be no changing his mind.
I moved upstairs and crawled into bed.
Andrusha left me alone for most of the day. I lay, curled up in bed with my back to the door, but I could sense him checking on me. He stood at the door and watched me, but I didn’t want to talk to him. I didn’t want to see him.
I felt devastated whenever I thought about going out into the world without him. At times, big tears would wrack my body as I silently cried into the pillow.
Why wouldn’t he give us a chance? Why didn’t he think he deserved this chance?
When it was dark outside, he came upstairs and sat on the edge of the bed. “Olivia.”
“I’m sad.”
“I know.”
“Why are you doing this?”
He sighed. “I made some dinner. Come down and have something to eat.”
I pushed my face into the pillow. “I’m not hungry.”
His hand, the hand I loved so much, rubbed my back. “Come anyway.”
While he sat, watching me, I crawled out of bed and got dressed. He stood up, and together we walked downstairs. I crawled onto the couch, staring into the flames.
He pushed a bowl of stew into my hands. “Come on. Try to eat something.”
I ate because it was warm and I thought it might unfreeze the lump of ice in my stomach.
He sat down beside me and watched me eat.
I played with the spoon. “Can you tell me where Viktor went?”
“He went to Vancouver.”
“Can you tell me why?”
He sighed and rubbed his face. “Bunko won’t ever let you go. You’re never going to find peace until he is dealt with.”
This news made my blood run cold. I carefully set my uneaten stew on the coffee table. “You’re going to deal with Bunko?”
He shrugged. “It has to be done.”
I stood up. “No, it doesn’t.” I couldn’t face the idea of Andrusha going against Bunko. Not because of me. The last time Andrusha had taken him on, he had gotten shot and almost died.
He grabbed my hand and pulled me onto his lap. “Yes, it does.”
This time, I couldn’t stop my tears. I clung to his shirt and wept. “Please don’t go back there. Please don’t do that.”
He rubbed my back until I was a hiccuping mess.
He pulled my face into his hands, his thumbs wiping my tears. “Please don’t cry.”
I could only imagine the worst: that Bunko would harm or kill Andrusha. The idea of Andrusha no longer walking on this earth made me burst into fresh tears. “I can’t bear it.”
He lifted me up and carried me back upstairs. He helped me undress and tucked me into bed. Then he crawled in after me and held me while I sobbed.
I woke up in the morning with a splitting headache. I showered and made my way downstairs. I listened. There was no familiar sound of Andrusha chopping wood.
I found his note against the sugar bowl. “Went out with the snowmobile. Will be back in an hour.”
I made coffee. The place was a bit desolate without Andrusha or Viktor around. Feeling vulnerable, I attacked the kitchen, scrubbing it until it gleamed. I made the beds, cleaned the bathroom. Swept the floors.
I decided to stack some wood. The fresh air would feel good. I pulled on my boots and jacket, and Sasha and I went outside.
I worked to move the small pile of freshly chopped wood from the woodshed to the top of the porch while Sasha sniffed around. The more I thought about Andrusha going back to Vancouver and forcing me to start over, the angrier I got. He didn’t have to be so protective. He could come away with me, and we could start fresh.
He had told me that saving me was his atonement for living the life he did, but he didn’t seem to realize that it was his love that had saved me, not his guns. The way he had cared for me, protected me and treated me like I mattered was what had healed me.
I paused in my task of stacking wood and listened. Normally the trees were teeming with the call of birds and squirrels. Now there was nothing but silence.
“Sasha?” I turned around.
Sasha was at the perimeter of the property, his face in a fierce growl but his tail stuck between his legs. Facing him was the most massive brown grizzly bear I’d ever seen. His snout was lifted as he sniffed the air. His head was so big, it defied logic.
I was only a few steps away from the door. I could easily get inside and shut the door, but what about Sasha? He was a fierce dog but no match for the massive predator.
Scarcely breathing, I inched up the steps towards the door. Gently opening the screen door, I reached inside and grabbed the heavy shotgun that Viktor always had leaning against the door jamb.
I heaved it into my arms, debating my options. I could shoot a warning into the air, and hopefully, the bear would take off. If he didn’t, I could attempt to shoot him.
I grunted as I lifted the gun to my shoulder. Taking the safety off, I fired a shot into the air.
The sound was deafening, and the kickback of the gun knocked me back. I staggered against the door, watching as the bear turned and ran, with shocking speed, away from the yard. I turned and fired another shot over his head, and he increased his speed until he was out of sight.
“Sasha,” I cried.
Sasha bolted towards me, pushing past me to nose his way back into the house. I turned and listened to the sound of a snowmobile approaching.
I stood on the porch and watched as Andrusha gunned the machine up to the porch before taking off his helmet.
“I heard gunshots.”
I swallowed. “There was a bear in the yard. I scared it off.”
He looked incredulous as he strode up the stairs. “You shot the shotgun? By yourself?” I nodded, loving how he touched my hands, my face, my shoulders. “Are you okay?”
“I didn’t hear him come up.”
He put his arm around me. “I shouldn’t have left.”
My entire body was jittering with nerves. “I feel weird.”
He sat me down at the kitchen table before he peeled off my boots and my jacket. He crouched down in front of me, his warm hands grabbing mine. He brought my fingers to his mouth, and blew warm air on them.
I stared at him, so sad. I decided I had nothing to lose. I would put it all on the line. “I love you. Don’t you love me?”
His blue eyes held mine. “Why do you think I’m doing this?”
I wanted to beg him for a different outcome, but the last few months had taught me that time is precious. And we had an expiration date.
“Can you tell me what’s going to happen? I need some logistics to emotionally prepare myself.”
He squeezed my fingers. “Viktor is in Vancouver. I just took the phone and tried to call him. He’s my eyes and ears in Vancouver.”
“Why?”
“I need to know where Bunko is before I move you someplace safe.”
“How long will you be with me?” I was measuring out days, weeks, mentally counting the time we had left.
“We’re going to figure out a place for you to live and get you on your feet. Then, that will be it.”
I felt my chest go tight. “And where will you go?”
His eyes were so dark, they looked navy. “I will head back to Vancouver.”
“To take care of Bunko.”
He shrugged. “The guy is going to hurt a lot of people if someone doesn’t stop him.”
“Why can’t the police take care of him?”
He gave me a look. I knew the answer. Bunko got to judges and police officers. He had gotten to Vlad and wounded Andrusha. He was a force that few could handle.
“What will you do if you succeed?” I couldn’t bear to look him in the eyes when I asked. “Do you think you will ever come find me?”
He lifted my chin. “I don’t know.”
That gave me hope. “You think you might?”
“I’m not promising anything.”
But I clung to that non-promise like my heart depended on it. The fact that he hadn’t given me a definite no made it all a bit more bearable.
