Dear Ana,
I never wanted to have kids.
Most girls aspire to be a mother. Most girls aspire to get married and have children and create a family of their own. Most girls do . . . but I’m not one of them. It’s not without reason––I mean, giving birth sounds like the most painful and terrifying experience a person could ever go through. It seems unnatural to try and shove a watermelon through a keyhole, so why do that with humans? There has to be an easier way, but I guess we just never discovered it yet. Or maybe we have, and we were just choosing to do it the hard way. Isn’t it crazy how the fate of the human population is entirely dependent on women in pain?
The pain isn’t the only thing holding me back. I just can’t imagine finding someone that I would even want to start a family with. I don’t know a lot of things, Ana, but I do know that I am not a person people can fall in love with.
Maybe I’m just missing the maternal bone every other woman seemed to be born with. I could list a million reasons, Ana––the economy is shit, the world is filled with racism and war and discrimination and guns, so why the fuck would anyone in their right mind want to throw an innocent fetus into all that chaos? But none of that matters. I don’t want to have kids because what if that kid turns out to be like Mikhail? You can have amazing parents but still have a shitty child. I’m not saying my parents were amazing, but they weren’t necessarily terrible enough that it could justify why Mikhail turned out the way he did. I already had to deal with him in one lifetime, I couldn’t imagine having to deal with him in another.
And if my child did turn out like Mikhail . . . would I stop loving them too?
My answer to that question is why I should never be a mother, but it doesn’t matter because I never wanted to have kids anyway.
Mikhail didn’t know that, though.
He didn’t know that when he came down to the basement while I was studying. I didn’t even notice he was there until I got up to use the bathroom, and nearly had a heart attack when I saw him. I ignored him and walked to the stairs but he immediately moved and blocked my way. He didn’t look mad, Ana. He looked . . . weird. Sad, or something, I don’t fucking know.
“I had sex with Hiba,” he said suddenly.
I was shocked at first. Why the fuck would he tell me that? Then I was disgusted because that wasn’t an image I ever wanted to flash through my brain. I took another step to go around him, but he spoke again.
“She wanted to wait for marriage, but I convinced her to do it with me anyway.”
I froze.
“She wanted to use protection, but I convinced her not to. I told her that it would ruin her experience, and she agreed.”
I covered my ears. I didn’t want to hear him anymore.
“That’s not why I wanted her unprotected, though.”
“Stop talking,” I whispered, my body quickly filling with dread.
“She wanted to wait until her doctor could prescribe her birth control pills, but I told her no. I wanted to do it now . . . and she agreed.”
I closed my eyes against the scene playing in my head, but it kept playing anyway.
“Like I said she agreed, but she told me to pull out so she couldn’t get pregnant.”
I already knew that he didn’t.
“But I didn’t.”
My eyes flashed open and I looked at him, rage replacing my dread. “You disgust me. You are a horrific excuse for a human. I hope she reports you. I hope she presses charges against you, you piece of shit––”
And then he punched me in the face.
I didn’t see it coming, but I felt the blow of his fist against my jaw and the metallic blood coating my tongue. I tried to swallow but there was something solid rolling around in my mouth. I spit the contents into my palm, and among the red, there was a speck of white. My glasses had flown off from the force of his impact, but I didn’t need them to recognize my fucking tooth.
“Please don’t interrupt me, Maya,” he said calmly. “It’s rude. That’s what you get for being rude.”
My trembling hand dropped my tooth onto the floor and into the puddle of blood dripping at my feet.
“Like I said, I didn’t pull out because I wanted her to get pregnant. If she got pregnant then she could never leave me.”
My whole body was shaking at that point. I was covered in blood and spit, and my face was burning with pain. His words though . . . his words clawed through my chest intensely.
“She was nervous at first, but then she didn’t mind. She realized that she also wanted to have a kid with me too.”
I fucked up, Ana. I should have fought harder to get her away from him.
“Months went by, Maya. Months went by and she still wasn’t pregnant.”
Thank God, I thought.
“It didn’t make sense. I asked her if she had any problems, but she said no. I didn’t believe her though, so I made her go to an appointment and get checked. They told her that she was fine, and at first I was happy. A woman who can’t bear children is not a woman.” He paused, and I felt his eyes burning a hole into my face but I kept mine closed. I didn’t want to look at him. “I’m the problem, Maya. I can’t have kids.”
And then I thanked God again. I thanked the stars and the moon and the masters of the fucking universe for taking this away from him. He should never be a father.
“How did you do it?”
I didn’t respond.
“I asked you a question!” He shouted, his calm demeanor gone and replaced by the brutal anger I was so accustomed to. “How did you do it?!”
“Do what?” I snapped, backing away. He didn’t answer. He simply lifted his foot and shoved it into my abdomen, ramming me onto the floor.
“What did you do to me, huh?” he asked, standing over me. “Why can’t I have kids?”
He was crazy, Ana. He was out of his fucking mind. How could I have done anything to him? How could I have possibly accomplished what he was implying?
“If I can’t have them, then neither can you,” he said suddenly, kicking me again. “You should be thanking me. I’m doing you a favor. I’m giving you a gift. I’m making this decision for you so that you’ll never have to make it for yourself.”
He kicked me in the ribs. “Thank me,” he demanded.
I tried to get up but he just shoved me back to the floor.
“I said thank me!” he shouted, ramming his foot into my lower stomach.
“Thank you!” I cried out in pain. I didn’t understand what he was saying, but I would’ve said anything to make him leave me alone.
He didn’t leave me alone, Ana.
I stopped trying to fight back. I learned after a few years that fighting back only encouraged him. My attempts at defending myself thrilled him. But if I just stayed still . . . eventually he got bored and, if I was lucky, ended things earlier than planned.
He kicked me in the same place a second time, and then a third time, and that’s when I realized what he was aiming for.
My uterus.
And then everything made sense.
He kicked me again, but this time he kept his foot there. He pressed down with all his body weight, his toenails cutting into my skin like daggers. His foot kept crushing deeper into my body, trying to compress my organs into a pancake until I could almost feel his foot touch the bones that made up my spine.
Here’s the thing, Ana. I didn’t care what he was doing to me in that moment because all I could think about was Hiba, and what he did to her. All I could think about was how it was my fault. I inherit all his sins. I become the monster because I created the monster. I was the first person he ever hurt. He only knew he had power because I gave him the power and let him continue to keep it without any consequences.
I shouldn’t have given up on her so fast. So what if she lied to him and almost got me killed? She was a girl in love. Her mind was infested with all the terrible lies Mikhail fed her about me. Why would she believe me? Maybe she would’ve believed me if I had tried again? Maybe she would’ve believed me if I had shown her all my scars and bruises?
As much as I hate to admit it, maybe she had it worse. I don’t think I ever loved Mikhail, so it was easier for me to hate him. She did though. She got hurt by someone she loved which is the worst kind of pain. She got hurt by someone she loved, and the worst part is she probably doesn’t even realize it.
I don’t know when he stopped, or when my mom came home, or how I got off the basement floor. I lost all my perception of time. But eventually, I woke up from my haze and found myself in my bed and under the covers. I was clean of blood, and my mouth was one tooth short. I blinked a few times to bring back some moisture into my dry eyes because they felt like they’d been open for hours, and then the memories came crashing back. I lifted my shirt and examined my tender and bruised abdomen, wondering if . . . I didn’t want to wonder, Ana. I didn’t want to think anymore. I desperately tried to summon that dissociating feeling again, but nothing came. Every ache and crack penetrated through me over and over again.
I don’t know if he succeeded, Ana . . . but it doesn’t matter because I never wanted to have kids anyway.
My period is late, Ana . . . but it doesn’t matter because I never wanted to have kids anyway.
I don’t deserve to be a mother, Ana . . . but it doesn’t matter because I never wanted to have kids anyway.
