As we landed back in the hangar, there was something different about the air of victory this time. I remembered well—like the memory of a lost loved one—returning from saving us from the lifebuster bomb. I remembered celebrations, cheers, toasts—the enthusiasm unchecked for an unexpected victory.
Today, pilots climbed tiredly from their ships. Perhaps it was our casualties—two dead from Vanir Flight, two taynix lost, Nedd severely wounded. But almost every action cost us lives; it was part of the metric of maintaining a fighting force. Another damper was the knowledge that this wasn’t a definitive win—this was one step toward victory, but only the first of many.
Then, of course, there was what I’d done.
You were supposed to have to touch things to hyperjump them. You were limited to complete objects, not chunks of them. Large structures, like battleships, usually required specialized architecture built into them to make hyperjumping the entire thing possible for the cytonic.
I’d violated all of those supposed rules. Just like the delvers did.
As I climbed down from my ship, it seemed that those in the room shied back from me. And why shouldn’t they? I was more weapon than human. Even a few members of Skyward Flight—Sadie, notably—watched me with unbridled awe.
Something’s wrong, M-Bot said in my head.
“Yeah,” I muttered. “I—”
Not with you. With me. The delvers have spotted me. I need to hide again.
“I still don’t understand how you do that,” I said. “Aren’t you all in the exact same point in space?”
Yes and no. There’s no space here. So there are no points. No reality at all. It’s trippy. But they can sense my connection to you. I need to turn inward and vanish. That or pretend to be one of them. Which might work better.
“Can you do that?”
Spensa, I’m super sneaky. It’s what I was built for, remember?
“You always say that, but—”
Gotta hide now. Haunt yourself for a while. I’ll let you know when I’m free.
I felt him withdrawing. Leaving me alone.
Chet gave me a sense of warmth though. I appreciated that. Not alone, just lonely.
I started into the hangar, wanting rest, and bade Hesho farewell, suggesting he get something to eat. He flew off, and I probably should have gone to check on Nedd. Sadie and T-Stall were going to do that now, judging by their conversation. But I wasn’t certain I could stomach it; from what Jorgen had said, Nedd was still unconscious, in stable—but seriously injured—condition.
I’d had the power, at any moment, to win that battle all on my own. If I’d done so a few minutes earlier, Nedd wouldn’t have been hurt. Could I ever meet his eyes after that?
I walked quickly toward the exit, intending to go to my rooms and crash, but Kimmalyn fell in beside me.
“You want to talk?” she asked.
“No,” I lied.
She nodded and didn’t push. Why had I said no? I silently cursed her for being a good friend, and respecting my boundaries, as she split off to go join T-Stall and Sadie.
At the hangar door I ran into Jorgen, who was walking holding a datapad and looking distracted.
“We’ve got it,” he told me. “There are five mining operations. One more than you heard, but still…Scud. Only five! It’s a weakness, Spin. An unguarded crack in the fortress wall. We can exploit this.”
“Just as long as we only attack the supply depots on this side,” I said. “At least one of the mining operations on the other side has friends of mine living in it.”
He nodded in agreement.
“Jorgen,” I said. “About what I did back there…”
He looked at me, then gave me an encouraging smile, setting aside the datapad and taking me by both arms. “You were amazing,” he said. “I know I was skeptical when you said you needed to stay in the nowhere and learn what you could there, but I’m glad you convinced me. You should see how enthusiastic our allies are about the results of this operation. For the first time, everyone believes we might actually be able to do this. Resist the Superiority and win.”
“All it took was getting your own personal delver girlfriend…” I said.
He paused, so I gave him a grin, trying to convince him it was a joke. I put a tight clamp on my emotions. I didn’t want him to see how much I hurt.
He hesitated—noting the full flight deck behind me. Then, obviously making a deliberate decision, he leaned down and kissed me.
That felt…wonderful. I knew how awkward it was for him to be dating one of his pilots, as there were protocol issues. But he also knew that I needed him and he needed me. Jorgen choosing me instead of rules was just about the most important message he could ever send. I felt an elated burst of adrenaline.
And it ran up against a kind of wall inside of me. A wall of worry, of self-loathing.
I started to feel sick. Joy was such an unforgivable thing to experience after the killing I’d done today. I wasn’t human any longer—yet here I was, kissing my boyfriend like nothing was wrong?
He pulled back, and damn him, he was too observant for his own good. “I know that you feel different about fighting now,” he said. “I do too. It’s maturity, Spensa, and experience. They’re changing us. It’s all right to feel conflicted. It’s messy…it’s all so very messy.”
I nodded.
“I’m going to do my best to make sure we never get surprised by civilians on a military mission again,” he said. “I won’t send you in unaware again, Spensa. I promise.”
It was a good move, and a perfectly Jorgen one to take. He’d analyze what had gone wrong, would talk with our top military and organizational minds about how to learn from it. How to make certain we didn’t make the same mistake twice. That was why he was in command.
But knowing it wouldn’t likely happen in the future didn’t ease the pain inside me now.
I forced out another smile. “You’re brilliant,” I said, fully honest. “Thank you.”
“We need to plan our next step,” he said. “It should be simple. Winzik is getting acclivity stone from these five locations—all mining stations in the nowhere, attached to supply depots on our side. You say one is mostly shut down already, by the pirates you befriended.
“Fortunately, we don’t have to attack the mining stations themselves, or the civilians there. If we blow up the portals, then Winzik will be robbed of those resources. Using our powers, I’m sure we can find a way to rescue the miners on the other side eventually.”
“A good plan,” I said, truly exhausted now. “And I know some of the Broadsiders would appreciate that. Thank you.”
He nodded. “We need to strike before Winzik has time to figure out why we wanted those databases. I’m thinking a five-pronged attack, hitting each supply depot at the same time. A coordinated hit, leaving him completely flat-footed.”
“Great,” I said, trying to control my trembling. If I started freaking out right now, he’d know.
I couldn’t let him know how much this hurt. Couldn’t let him know that I was breaking inside at the idea of going into battle again. He was finding peace and success in his new role. I had to do the same.
“I’ll get everyone else on board,” he said, “and talk to the kitsen generals, get their strategic insight. For now, you get some rest. I’ve already checked on Nedd, and I’ll send you an update as soon as he’s awake. You need sleep though. Because if everyone agrees on this plan, we’ll set the attacks for as early as tomorrow. Time is of the essence.”
His excited smile on top of the kiss was the last straw for me. I gave him a sweet grin—scud, I hoped he didn’t see me being “sweet” as a terrible sign—and left. Once he was out of sight I sped up my pace, until I reached my quarters and hid inside.
Almost as soon as I was alone, a text appeared on my watch. Tech the UrDail used, which we’d begun to incorporate into our teams as well.
Dinner? It was Kimmalyn. I sent her something about needing to rest, then I took a deep breath and surveyed my quarters. I’d been assigned a three-room officer’s bunk. I was technically a commodore, for some reason, even though pilots were almost never promoted above captain without moving into administration. Jorgen had pulled some strings to ensure my seniority, emphasizing my special position as a cytonic, and need for autonomous field command. Nonsense equating to: “Nobody knows what to do with you, Spensa, so here’s a promotion.”
I’d tried to convince Mom and Gran-Gran to move in with me to help fill the space, but hadn’t had any luck yet. It was a little daunting to have so much room, but I’d been trying to think of it as the equivalent of a warrior’s trophy and enjoy it.
Today I found it comforting. I had space, without anyone or anything to pressure me. Of course, I still did my customary check of each room and closet. Ridiculous? Perhaps. It made me feel better to look for assassins—until I remembered that there were kitsen ninjas somewhere out there. They could be hiding in places a human could never fit. Did my routine need to include a thorough check of my sock drawer to make sure no cute furry killers were hiding among my unmentionables?
I settled down on my bed, and let out a deep breath. Inside me Chet was trembling, and it took effort to prevent another attack from coming on. Scud. I could barely control it. Those vibrations. The strange way my powers acted. I—
“Incredible work today,” a woman’s voice said from behind me. “That was really something.”
I spun and leaped off my bed and to my feet. Brade was standing by my bedroom wall, next to my replica Browning FN 1910 handgun.
Brade. Winzik’s pet human cytonic. Short military buzz cut. Sleeveless, tight military fatigues and flak jacket. Assault rifle slung on her back. I had my sidearm out in a heartbeat and put three holes in my wall before I realized she wasn’t there physically. She was a cytonic projection—I’d done something similar to her while in the nowhere.
She looked down the barrel of my sidearm destructor, then nodded. “Good reflexes.”
I ignored her, running to the comm panel and calling operations. “Is our inhibitor field down?” I demanded.
“No?” a confused operator said on the other side. “Detritus’s protections are still in place…”
“Your inhibitor is fine,” Brade said from behind me, amused. “You and I are connected somehow. I don’t understand what’s going on, but I can project to you, Spin. Like you did to me.”
I moved my finger off the button and turned. “Go away.”
“No.”
I threw the weight of my cytonic powers at her. I…didn’t exactly know what I was trying to accomplish, other than to banish her, but she bore the blast of raw mental energy and didn’t so much as stumble. She seemed to have only sent a very faint projection of herself, leaving the rest of her protected. Dismissing her with my considerable powers was a little like trying to kill a mosquito with a cannon.
“Save it for the battlefield,” Brade said, stalking around and inspecting my room. When I’d done this to her, I’d been able to see everything around her—and hear what anyone near her was saying. If I couldn’t find a way to stop this, I presented an enormous security issue to our forces.
“What do you want, Brade?” I demanded.
“I’ve asked myself that for years, you know?” she said. “Should be easy to answer, and I guess it is.” She stepped up to me. “What do I want? I want to win.”
“I gave you a chance to join us,” I said. “You ran to Winzik and turned me in.”
“I stand by my choice, though I can’t say I’m sad you escaped. If you hadn’t run off, I would never have witnessed the display you managed today.” She shook her head, seeming in awe. “Incredible. Fifteen kills in under ten minutes would be impressive for any other pilot. But what you did to the AA guns…the way you ripped buildings apart and used the chunks in offense and defense…Spensa, you’re incredible.” She nodded to me. Brade didn’t really smile—at least, she did so rarely. “You’re worthy. I’m worthy. We should be working together.”
“To do…what exactly?”
She gestured at me, kind of a “what else?” sort of shrug. “Conquest, Spensa. It’s in our blood.”
“You’re crazy.”
“Crazy,” she said, “like Alexander the Great? Like the ancient pharaohs? Like Attila the Hun, Napoleon, Charlemagne? People who saw the vast expanse of the world and realized the greatest challenge in life would be to rule it all?” She stepped closer to me. “None of them ever stood a real chance. But we do. With the power you showed today, we absolutely do.”
“I think I’d rather use that power to squash you,” I snapped. “You betrayed me, Brade.”
“And you betrayed the Superiority,” she replied. “I merely tried to turn you in for it. But that’s meaningless.” She stepped even closer to me. “Thank you for showing me our potential.”
Then she vanished.
Scud, scud, scud. I collapsed into the chair by the wall, huddled up on myself, and couldn’t control it any longer. For the next hour, I let things vanish and appear around me, increasingly eclectic and bizarre, as my soul went aflame and my self—what was left of it—hid in the recesses of my mind.
Terrified.
