It’s been four days since August showed up in my driveway the night after his game. Four days since I practically attacked him like an animal in heat and climbed onto his lap, exposing half of my body for him to see. It’s not like it’s nothing he’s never seen before, but it was completely out of line for me to act like that.
The lines get blurred when I’m around August and the more time we spend together, the more it seems like they completely vanish. I love getting to know him better, on a deeper, more personal level, but at the same time it doesn’t feel like it’s working in my favor.
We agreed to just being friends and navigating how to co-parent together. That didn’t mean we had to devote our lives to each other. Instead, we were devoting them to our child, but the closer we get, the more I feel strings beginning to form. And we agreed there would be none attached.
He’s had my head a mess and I don’t know what to do with these feelings that have begun to resurface. I thought I could ignore them, but I’m afraid I can’t anymore, even with the distance I’ve been trying to keep between us.
August hasn’t brought up that night, but every morning when I wake up, there’s already a text waiting for me from him, wishing me a good day. He texts me throughout the day, making sure I’m okay and whether I need anything. And then our days end with goodnight messages.
I’ve successfully avoided talking to him on the phone since the night he showed up after his game. He hasn’t come out and questioned me on it, but why would he? I’m pregnant, so it’s only natural that I would be exhausted at the end of the day, especially being in an accelerated program at school. I’m so close to the finish line for my degree and I’ve been pushing harder than I have the past three years I’ve been attending college.
August has been so attentive, it’s almost strange, but I’m slowly coming around to realizing that he really does care. On a level I haven’t quite figured out, he cares about me and not just solely because of the baby.
It’s probably a conversation we should have soon, but it’s one I don’t know how to approach or even have the mental capacity to face right now. Who’s to say that it isn’t just the pregnancy hormones anyway? My emotions have been a wreck and I feel like I can’t fully trust them. Do I really have feelings for him or is it because I’m pregnant?
What happens when the baby comes and the feeling disappears? What if it’s the same for him? He hasn’t come out and said anything to me regarding how he feels about me or the prospect of us pursuing something other than being friends, but he’s made his comments that have implied as much.
What if after the baby is born, he doesn’t feel the same way about me anymore?
Shaking my head to myself, I’m brought back to reality as my professor steps in front of my seat and taps on my desk with her pen. I look up at her, my eyes wide as I realize that I’ve been zoning out, completely consumed by the thoughts that plague my mind and I didn’t even notice that class was over and everyone had cleared out of the room until now.
“Are you okay, Poppy?” she questions me, her voice soft as she sits down in the seat in front of me. “I noticed that it seemed like I lost you there toward the end of the lecture and then when you didn’t get up when class was over, I was a little worried.”
A nervous chuckle slips from my lips and I quickly collect my notebooks, shoving them into my bag with my pen. “I’m fine. Just a little tired and sometimes my mind wanders when my body is ready for me to take a nap.”
“I know this all must be a lot on you.” Her eyes are warm, with a wave of sympathy passing through them. “I just want you to know that a lot of people in your position wouldn’t be making such an effort like you are to complete all of your classes on time still.”
“If I can get them done and out of the way, I’ll be able to graduate before the baby arrives.”
She smiles at me as she rises to her feet, pushing the chair back in. “I just wanted you to know that your hard work and dedication don’t go unnoticed. I’m proud of you, Poppy. But don’t forget to take care of yourself too, okay?”
I nod at her, following suit as I stand up from my seat and collect my stuff. “Thanks, Professor Rheems. I’ve been doing all right so far, but I really do appreciate your kind words.”
“If you ever need anything, don’t hesitate to ask,” she offers as she walks toward the front of the lecture hall to her desk. “Personal disclosure—I had my daughter at a young age too. I know it’s not easy, so even if you just want to talk sometime, I’m here to listen.”
“I appreciate that,” I smile at her as I head toward the door. “Have a good day!”
She waves to me and I glance at my phone as I make my way down the hall. August sent me a text, and I don’t understand how he finds the time to bother me all day long when he’s supposed to be in classes himself. I don’t bother questioning him on it, though, because if he weren’t on top of his class work, he wouldn’t be allowed to play on the hockey team.
As I walk down the steps to the foyer of the building, I unlock my phone and open his message, a smile touching my lips as my eyes scan over his words.
August: How’s your morning going? Is the baby ready for you to eat lunch yet, because I found a place that isn’t far from campus that is supposed to have banging Italian food and I just so happen to be in the area.
Laughing to myself, I shake my head at him, even though he can’t see me. Leave it to August to find a way to insert himself into my day. He’s lucky I don’t have another class for about two hours, and pasta just so happens to be my kryptonite right now.
Poppy: That sounds amazing! You’re seriously my hero. I just finished class, so send me the name of the restaurant and I’ll meet you there.
The glass doors slide open and I step out into the sunshine, feeling the warmth on my skin that is a stark contrast to the brisk chill in the air. I shiver, wrapping my coat tighter around my body as I tuck my phone into my pocket. As I lift my head and start walking toward the parking lot, I see August’s car parked alongside the curb out front.
He’s standing on the sidewalk, his hands loosely tucked in the front pockets of his joggers as he leans back against the passenger-side door of his car. As he sees me, I watch his lips curl upward into a grin and he pulls his sunglasses away from his face, pushing off the car as he stands up straight.
Walking over to him, I can’t fight the grin that forms on my face, the chuckle that slips from my lips as I roll my eyes at him. “Of course, you’re already here.”
“Always, baby,” he replies softly, pulling open the door for me. He takes my bag from my arm as I lower myself into the seat and he closes the door behind me.
I watch him as he walks around the front of the car, heading over to the driver’s side with my bag slung over his shoulder. My stomach flips, my heart already in my throat as my mouth grows dry. The last time I was in his car, I ended up half naked in his lap… and I’d be lying if I said that I didn’t want that to happen again.
Get it together, Poppy.
Until we have an actual talk, I need to remain firm in our decision to just be friends. It’s not my fault he has the effect on me like he does. And for the record, I didn’t ask him to come pick me up. That doesn’t mean I’m not allowed to be a little excited about it. Even though I was the one trying to put distance between the two of us.
“So, you ready to go get your fill of pasta?” August smirks as he climbs in behind the wheel and tosses my bag into the back seat. He puts his sunglasses back over his eyes as he shifts the car into drive.
“I swear, you know the way to my heart.”
The words fall from my lips before I have the chance to stop them and I instantly want to take them back. A heat creeps up my neck, spreading across my cheeks in embarrassment. August glances over at me, the smirk no longer on his face, and I can’t see his eyes through the black shades covering them.
“That’s the plan, Poppy,” he murmurs, pulling the car out onto the street as he directs his gaze back onto the road. “Your heart is the finish line.”
I swallow hard over the lump forming in my throat, my hand instinctively going to my stomach as I glance out the window. The tension hangs heavily in the air between us, his words swirling around like wisps of smoke. I want to reach out and grab them and store them in my heart for later, but something tells me I don’t need to.
Words like that will forever be imprinted in my brain.
With my hand over my stomach, I feel something weird inside, almost like my insides are rolling. I press my palm against one of the firmer parts and I feel a flutter, something hitting my hand. A gasp falls from my lips and I jerk my head to the side, looking at August with my eyes wide. “Oh my god, August.”
“What?” he says, pushing up his sunglasses as he brakes at a red light. His hazel eyes desperately search mine, laced with worry. “What’s wrong? Are you okay?”
A sob catches in my throat and I nod as I grab his hand and hold it against my stomach. His eyebrows tug together, his gaze still trained on mine as I hold his palm to my abdomen where I felt the movement. I feel the rolling sensation again and something pressing outward.
“What was that?” he whispers, his voice barely audible, almost like he thinks something is still wrong. The light turns green, but he doesn’t dare move the car, despite the cars honking their horns behind us.
My lips curl upward, tears instantly springing to my eyes as a quiet laugh escapes me. “That was our baby kicking, August.”
His throat bobs as he swallows hard, his nostrils flaring as his eyes wash over with moisture. “Oh my god…”
I smile back at him, knowing the exact feeling he’s feeling right now. It’s one thing seeing your baby during an ultrasound and hearing the baby’s heartbeat, but it’s a completely different experience feeling them moving around inside.
It was both of our first times and I wouldn’t have wanted either of us to experience this amazing moment without the other.
This is what I really want with him…
Every goddamn moment.
