“Is there something wrong with your food?” my mother asks, breaking through the silence as I push the roasted vegetables around on my plate. “We can send it back if you don’t like it. Or are you not feeling well?”
I lift my eyes from the square plate and meet her watchful gaze. “The food is fine, I’m fine. I’m just not that hungry.”
“Well, you need to eat, Poppy,” my mother scolds me, lifting her glass of wine to her lips as she takes a small sip. “It’s not just about you anymore. There’s someone else counting on you now too, so staying healthy is the most important thing you can do right now.”
Sighing, I continue to push the food around on my plate, not able to bring it to my lips as my stomach churns. After August left, I hid myself away in my car and had a breakdown. I went there with the intention of taking a nap, but I couldn’t get the look on his face out of my head. I couldn’t erase the words he spoke that plagues my mind.
“Do you really think that low of me? That I’m that much of a piece of shit I wouldn’t be involved in this?”
Of course I don’t think any of that of him. I know how driven August is, I know how hard he has worked to get where he is in life, and he’s nowhere close to being done. He’s shooting for the stars, but he isn’t there yet.
Maybe he was right. Maybe I was the one who was wrong and I should have told him as soon as I found out.
“Poppy.” My mom’s soft voice breaks through my thoughts and she reaches across the table as she places her hand over mine. “What’s going on, honey? Something’s wrong.”
Inhaling deeply, I release my breath in an exaggerated sigh. “I ran into the guy I was seeing before.” I pause, swallowing hard as I force the words out. “The father of the baby… I told him.”
My mother’s eyes widen and she squeezes my hand. “Okay. How did it go?”
“I don’t know,” I admit, shrugging as the corners of my eyes burn from the tears that threaten to spill. My chin bobs and I bite down on my bottom lip for a moment, forcing the emotions back down. “I didn’t think he would want to be involved, but I think I was wrong. He was pretty upset I didn’t tell him sooner.”
I watch her face transform into something that resembles sympathy but mixed with happiness. “I’m glad you told him,” she admits, offering me a small smile. “I know it’s something you had to decide to do yourself, but that baby deserves to have both parents involved, if they want to be.”
I nod, the tears burning my eyes again and the emotion bubbling up my throat. Swallowing back a sob, I wipe viciously at my cheeks as the tears spill over, falling down the sides of my face. “I know, Mom. I just didn’t think he would want this.”
“It doesn’t matter what you think or thought, Poppy. What matters is that you know now.” She pauses for a moment, squeezing my hand again as I continue to swipe at the tears that keep falling. “Don’t forget that it’s okay to let yourself feel. I know you tend to shield your emotions from people, especially after we lost Evie. It’s okay to let people in sometimes. It’s okay to let them see the real you—the good, the bad, and the ugly.”
Her words hit me straight in my core and it feels as though my heart is coming apart at the seams. I stare back into her ocean eyes that mirror my own and nod, smiling at her through my tears. “Thank you, Mom… for everything.”
Words could never fully do it justice, the amount of appreciation I have for this woman is unworldly. When it comes down to it, she will always have my back, regardless of what happens. And I know that once I have this baby, I will strive to be just like her.
I just hope August will do the same for our child.
After we get back to the house, my mom heads to bed to do some reading before going to sleep. Benjamin was already here when we got home, waiting for her as he was watching some documentary in the living room. He greeted her with a warm smile and a kiss, like he always does before they go upstairs.
Benjamin is a man who is dedicated to his career. He always has been, since before my mother even met him. But he knew that there were sacrifices that needed to be made, and he made sure that when he married my mother he divorced his career. He is still the best defense attorney in the area, but he always puts his family first.
Even my sister and I. He took Evie’s death as hard as the rest of us because when he married my mother, he took a vow to her that he would look after us as if we were his own. And he never fell short of that promise. When my real father stepped down, Benjamin stepped up and he has always been there, supporting me from my mother’s shadow. Even sometimes outshining her when he wanted to make sure I knew he was really there for me.
I check my phone, noting that it’s already 8:30 in the evening and I still haven’t gotten a call from August. A sigh slips from my lips as I grab my slippers and robe and take them into my bathroom. I shut the door behind me and turn on the faucet to the tub after plugging the drain. I don’t know August’s schedule or when he’s got practice, but the fact that he hasn’t called doesn’t leave me feeling very hopeful.
With it being this late in the evening, I don’t imagine that he’s still at practice, but I have to give him the benefit of the doubt. He said he would call and I have no reason not to believe him. Instead, I set my phone down on the counter and slip out of my clothes, throwing them into the hamper before grabbing a bath bomb.
I drop it into the water, watching it as it begins to fizz, changing the color of the water to an eggplant purple. The smell of lavender touches my senses, coming from the tub as it continues to fill. I wait until it’s deep enough before stepping into the heat. It wraps itself around my legs and my body as I slowly lower myself into the steaming hot water.
If there’s one thing that can help calm me down after a rough day, it’s a hot bath and the silence. I revel in the silence, where I can be alone with my thoughts, even if they’re not always positive. It’s the only time I can fully hear Evie’s voice clearly anymore. After four years, it’s almost like my mind is beginning to forget her, and I can’t let that happen.
When everything’s quiet, I can hear the lilt of her laughter floating in the air. When I close my eyes, I can see her sparkling blue eyes and the bright smile that was on her face on a good day. I refuse to let myself float to the bad days, to the rough times with Evie. If I want to keep her memory alive, I’ll only remember the good. Her death can take the bad and the ugly, because that’s not who my sister really was.
Closing my eyes, I slip under the water for a moment, my long hair floating around the top of my head as I allow myself to float in the massive tub. My stomach is the only thing that refuses to go under the water, keeping me afloat like a buoy. Something begins to buzz and I open my eyes, the sounds around me still muffled from the water surrounding my head.
The buzzing doesn’t stop, falling into a rhythm. I quickly lift my head from the water, the cool air from the room instantly sending a chill down my spine. A light shines up at the ceiling and I realize that it’s my phone ringing. Reaching out of the tub, I dry my hands and grab it from the counter.
I see August’s name on the screen and take a deep breath in an effort to calm my heart as it hammers violently in my chest. My efforts are dismal and I reluctantly slide my finger across, accepting his call. Even though I had changed my number, I never got rid of his.
“Hello?” I answer softly, my hand shaking as I hold the phone to my ear.
He’s silent for a moment and I hear him release the breath he was holding. “Poppy.”
“August.” My voice is barely audible, my heart constricting at the way my name sounds rolling off his tongue. “I owe you an apology.” I pause for a moment, swallowing back the emotion as my mother’s reminder floats into my head. “I’m sorry for not telling you sooner. I was honestly afraid and I didn’t want you to feel trapped in any way. I didn’t want you to feel pressured to be involved if a baby isn’t something you don’t want, but it wasn’t fair of me to not say anything to you. I should have told you the moment I found out instead of running and hiding like a coward.”
“Poppy,” he interjects, the sound of my name snaking itself around my eardrum. “Stop. I get it all and you don’t have to apologize. I can’t blame you for it and it doesn’t even matter at this point. All that matters is I know the truth now.” He pauses for a moment, his breathing shallow through the speaker. “I’m sorry for the way I reacted. I was out of line and needed to clear my head and process everything.”
My heart crawls into my throat at the sound of his apology. “It’s okay,” I assure him, my voice soft and quiet. “I understand why you would have been upset with me and be mad at the situation. All we can do is move forward.”
“I would like that,” he admits, the relief evident in his voice. “I want to be involved, Poppy. That baby is mine, too, and just as much my responsibility. Let me be a part of its life. Let me be the father it deserves.”
My throat constricts and I swallow back a sob as tears spring to my eyes. These damn pregnancy hormones are making me overly emotional. “I want you to be involved, if you’re sure you want to be. I don’t want you to feel pressured and I don’t want this to be a burden on you at all.”
“Poppy, stop,” he commands, his voice stern but still warm. “This isn’t a fucking burden, okay? You gave me the opportunity to make a choice, but it was never really a choice. The baby is ours, I’m not going anywhere.”
I can’t stop the tears as they begin to fall from my eyes, streaming down the sides of my face. I’m elated as relief floods my body. The thought of doing this alone was mentally taxing. Keeping the secret from him caused me so much stress. But now, he knows. And he wants to be a part of this.
“I have one condition,” I tell him, my voice shaking as I struggle to get the words out.
“Okay…”
“That is all this will ever be. We agreed on no strings attached before, so it has to stay that way.” I pause for a moment, swallowing roughly over the lump in my throat. “We can be friends and co-parent, but nothing more.”
August is silent for a moment and if I didn’t hear his breathing, I would have thought he hung up on me. “You want to be friends with me, Poppy Williams?”
“Yes.”
I swear I can almost see the stupid smirk on his face as he chuckles lightly.
“Then I’ll be the best friend you’ve ever had.”
