I wake with a start, feeling around the bed. Where the fuck am I? I sit up quickly with my hand on my chest as my heart beats against it.
Come on, Rosa, get it together.
My head throbs, and embarrassment takes over. My nightmares are back. He’s back. And what’s worse, Luca has seen my weakness.
When I finally get the courage to get up, I rummage through my drawers and look for a sweater. My door is cracked open. As I step into the dark hallway, I notice Luca’s room is the same.
Stopping for a second, I bite my nails as I debate my next move. I don’t want to talk about my nightmare, I can’t. I haven’t uttered the words since it happened and I told my dad. The more Luca witnesses, the more questions he is going to have. I won’t be able to hide it from him.
I tiptoe to his door and peer in. The natural light streams in, highlighting his sleeping form. I have no idea how long he stayed up with me last night, or what I screamed in my sleep. I just remember his bare skin holding me. This is the first I’ve seen him without his shirt on, his chest has splashes of black ink tattoos that follow both of his arms to his wrists. The sheet is tangled around his waist, and a part of me wants to see what he’s hiding.
The floor creaks as I take a step closer and I let out a gasp, looking back at his face. His green eyes are now open and focused on me.
I back away and run down the stairs to the kitchen.
I wonder what it would feel like to have him touch me. To have his full lips pressed against my own.
But darker thoughts overwhelm me. Older memories. All I can see are Dante’s black eyes glaring at me. I can feel his slimy hands on my skin and his wet lips on my neck.
My own brain hates me, and I need to stop it. I need to drown it out.
I start opening the cupboards frantically. Luca’s a mafia boss. He’s got to have something here.
On the second cupboard, I grab the first bottle that comes to hand and put it on the counter in front of me.
Bile rises up my throat as the nightmarish memories overwhelm me until I pop open the top and raise it to my lips.
“Rosa.” Luca’s stern voice interrupts me.
I let go of the vodka, like I’ve been caught stealing.
He storms towards me and snatches it from me. I watch in horror as he pours the contents down the sink. He then proceeds to do the same with every damn bottle in that cupboard.
Before he can finish the last one, I claw at his arm.
“I don’t need your help. I don’t want it. Just give me the rest of that and I’ll be fine. Just fuck off and let me live my life how I know.”
I tug his arm, and he doesn’t flinch. He doesn’t look at me.
“Luca, give me the bottle!” I scream at him.
“Enough, Rosa!” He smashes the glass against the counter and I flinch back.
He runs a hand across his stubble, almost in annoyance.
Desperation starts to take over, my throat feels like it’s closing up. I’m trapped in my own circle of terror inside my brain, and the one relief I have has just been dumped down the sink. I can’t live with these nightmares, I just can’t do it.
“You can kick and scream at me all you like. I’m not stopping. I will help you, whether you like it or not.” His eyes bore into mine, and I slink away from him.
“This–” He points at the shattered glass. “–is not your answer, Rosa. You have the strength up here.” He points to his temple with his index finger and walks towards me.
My bottom lip quivers as he approaches and towers over me. “I want to help you, Rosa. I really do. But that has to stop. I won’t let you do this to yourself under my watch. You’ve handled the absolute worst of it and you got through it like a boss. Now you have to fight it every damn day, but I will be with you every step of the way. I promise you.”
His features soften, those bright green eyes meeting mine. I hold onto the barstool for support, squeezing my hand on the leather.
He wants to help me?
“Why?” I blurt out, without even thinking.
He frowns and lowers his head so our faces are level. It feels like he’s staring right into my soul.
“Because I like you. Because I can feel your pain every time we’re in the same room. Although you may not, I see your potential. I want to help you stop hurting. I want you to be able to walk out of here when this is over and live your life. I had my life taken away from me, and I know how it feels to not be certain of who you truly are and where you belong.”
I hiccup and hold back the tears burning in my eyes. I can’t talk, so I simply nod my head.
“Come here, little one,” he whispers.
I look up at him and my heart flutters. He’s smiling, his perfect white teeth poking through, his arms open, inviting me in for a hug. I wrap my arms around his waist, and he pulls me so tightly into him I can barely breathe. His heart pounds against my ear, nearly meeting the same erratic rhythm as my own.
I let my body relax for the first time in a long time. Taking comfort from him, I close my eyes and just breathe. I’ve been running my whole life; I’ve never truly stopped for long enough to just live in the moment. To feel. To let anyone in to help me.
“I want to help you fight this, Rosa. If you’ll let me?” he whispers and my chest constricts.
“You have no idea what you’re letting yourself in for, Luca.”
