After yesterday’s flight, I couldn’t wait to get to this morning’s kickboxing class in a studio near the crew’s hotel. I needed to clear my head. I kept finding myself watching Tanner all flight. The way he held his pen, running his fingers up and down it when he was engrossed in his paperwork, his dark brows knitted together in concentration. It was like businessman porn to me. He was wearing the same suit as the morning he stole my coffee, only this time, the only thing he was stealing from me was any sense of control I thought I had.
“Argh, what the hell is wrong with me?” I say to my reflection in the bathroom mirror as I take in my sweaty, disheveled appearance. I really went for it in class, which would usually help me get my shit together, only today it didn’t work. All I keep picturing in my head is Tanner. Tanner in his suit, Tanner painting the house, Tanner sleeping on the sofa, Tanner’s arms around me, Tanner’s tongue against my skin. Tanner, Tanner, Tanner! I need to get a grip.
Then there’s the small bombshell I discovered on the flight yesterday when I looked at the passenger manifest. His surname is only Grayson, isn’t it? The owner of Grayson Designs. That hotel we went to in London for the whisky night, the construction posters in Vegas—he’s only Tanner-loaded-fucker-Grayson. I don’t understand why he didn’t tell me. Is he lying about anything else?
I take my time in the shower, washing my hair before carefully blow-drying it into soft waves. I decide on a fitted cream jumper with a short black skirt, tights, and boots, and finally, I add a slash of red lipstick to draw attention to my lips. I look at myself in the mirror.
What am I doing?
I would never usually take this long to get ready, and as much as I tell myself, I’m not doing it for Tanner. I totally am, well, sort of. I’m doing it so I can watch the look on his face when he sees me. So I can feel that energy buzzing through my body as he runs his hand through his hair, his dark eyes drinking me in.
“Who the fuck are you?” I screw up my face at my reflection. The same face looks back at me. The eyes that have seen the expressions of pity when I tell people I grew up in foster care. The ears that heard all the whispers in the school corridors about the new “weird girl with a temper” when I was moved to another new school. The lips that shouted and screamed when I was told that I was moving families—again.
“We can’t cope with her.”
“She’s too moody.”
“Too unpredictable.”
The same lips that quickly learned it did no good. It was better to save energy and just not say anything. I was never the one in control; it was never me making the choices. Yes, I look the same as I always have; yet, I don’t even recognize myself anymore.
I’m looking forward to meeting Tanner, spending more time with him, and hell, dare I say it? I kind of want to wake up next to him tomorrow without freaking the fuck out. I want to trust him; I just do not know whether someone like me can even change.
I glance at the clock; I’ve still got a bit of time before I meet him, and being on the East Coast means the time in LA isn’t so drastically different. It’s a perfect time to call Holly. I grab my phone and hit video call on the screen. A moment later, her sun-kissed blond hair and bright green eyes appear on my screen.
“Rach!” she says excitedly.
“Hey, Holls.” I beam back.
“You look nice. Where are you off to?” I hold my phone back so she can see even more of my outfit. “I always loved those boots!” She smiles. “Do I take it you are meeting this new guy Tanner you’ve been telling me about?”
“Mmm-hmm, that one,” I say.
“Why do I sense there’s more to that ‘mmm-hmm’?” Holly probes.
“I don’t know, Holly.” I sigh, laying back against the bed pillows. “This is just so weird for me. I don’t do dating. You know that.” I glance up at her, and she’s listening intently. “But Tanner… he… he’s… well, he’s Tanner.” I shake my head.
“He’s the guy who turned up at your house to paint with you for a week and then spent his weekend lugging your furniture about.” Holly smiles. “Oh, and then, he’s the guy that falls asleep with Nigel on the sofa after he’s carried you to bed.”
“Yeah, I know.” I smile at her.
“Rachel, he sounds amazing!” She giggles. I look back at her. “Don’t let your past hold you back from your future and finding happiness. Jay and I can tell you that letting the past hold you back is no way to live,” she says seriously.
“I know, Holls. God, I know you two understand more than anyone how letting the past control you is self-destructive,” I say, letting her words soak in.
“Jay says hi, by the way. He wants to know when you’re next coming for a visit, as do I! He said he sees Matt’s face all the time and needs you here to sort him out. He’s on at Jay to build a guest house as he’s here so much.”
I laugh. “Maybe that’s not such a bad idea. With the baby arriving, you’re bound to have loads of visitors.”
“True.” Holly nods. “But they can stay in the house with us. Seriously, if we build a guest house, Matt will move in and never leave.” She giggles. “As much as I love him, I don’t think I could cope. Although it would be handy having an on-site babysitter.”
“Show me the bump again. The photo you sent only shows one angle,” I say enthusiastically.
Holly stands and props her phone up to turn side to side, her hands wrapping around her rounded belly, beautifully showcasing baby Anderson.
“You can really see him or her now!” I smile in wonder at Holly’s perfectly emerging bump.
“I know.” She smiles, picking the phone back up. “Please come and visit soon, though. I need you to have a word with Jay. Anyone would think I’m made of glass, not pregnant. He barely lets me do anything. Keeps making me sit down so he can rub my feet.”
“Oh, God, how do you cope?” I roll my eyes. “Mr. Perfect sounds so hard to live with.”
She grins back at me. “Yeah, yeah, I hear you. I’m a lucky woman. Now, go and meet your lucky man. Tanner’s eyes are going to pop out of his head when he sees you.”
“Okay, I’ll give it to you. The coffee deserves nine out of ten,” Tanner says as he takes another drink from his cup. He’s wearing a dark blue suit and deep grey tie today.
God, how can he look so damn good?
“You’re clearly jet-lagged or deluded. It’s at least nine and a half,” I quip back at him, blowing steam off the top of my latte before taking a sip, “mmm, delicious.”
This is easily my favorite place to get coffee in Manhattan. The small, independently run coffee house is tucked away, so only those who know it’s even here visit. Although, business seems to be booming. Every time I come, people are sitting at the rustic wood tables, no matter the time of day. It’s got a cool, boho vibe. Chunky wood tables with mismatched armchairs and sofas, trailing plants hanging down from shelves near the ceiling.
“They do a pretty great red-velvet cupcake here too,” I say to Tanner.
His eyes drop to my lips around my cup as I take another sip. I knew the red lipstick would do the trick. When we met earlier, I saw his eyes rake over me from head to toe before he realized I’d spotted him. He may have thought he had gotten away with it, but there was certainly no hiding the obvious hair stroke his hand performed as I said hello.
“Really? Red-velvet, my favorite,” he says absentmindedly as his eyes stay fixed to my lips.
I smirk as I continue, “although, nothing can top the cupcakes Holly and I used to get at the Magnolia Bakery.”
“Holly’s your friend who married the actor and moved to LA?” Tanner asks, his eyes coming back up to mine.
“Yes, how do you know that?”
“You told me when we were painting your bedroom together.” He smiles.
He could have just said house—when we were painting your house. Why does he make everything sound so sexual?
“Do you get to see her much?” he asks, completely focused on my answer.
“Not as much as I’d like. I try to bid for a flight there each month, but it only gets granted half the time. Whenever I have a holiday, I go over. Until recently, anyway. I used my holiday to sort everything out with the move this time.”
“You must miss her?”
I look back into Tan’s dark chocolate eyes, and my mouth moves faster than my brain.
“I do, so, so, much. I love her. She’s like a sister to me, and her family is amazing, such kind people. I still visit her parents when I can,” I blurt.
“I’m sure she loves and misses you too.” He reaches across the table and places his hand inside mine, interlacing his fingers with my own. I swallow down the sudden scratchiness in my throat.
“Yeah, I’m sure,” I mumble, trying my hardest not to snatch my hand back. He’s done so many things to my body with his hands, so why does this feel so intimate?
“Hey, do you mind if we head to a toy store later? I told my PA, Penny that I’d pick something up for her niece, Scarlett,” Tanner says, stroking his thumb over my skin as he talks.
“Sure!” I cry, a little too enthusiastically, seeing my opportunity and pulling my hand back. “Why don’t we go now?” I down the rest of my latte and grab my coat off the back of the chair. “You’re done, right?”
“Yeah,” Tanner says, a puzzled look crossing his face before he shakes it off and stands up. “Shall we?”
We walk for blocks and blocks, trying all the toy stores and department stores we come across, with no luck.
“What is this thing called again?” I ask, scanning the shelves of yet another store.
Tanner pulls his phone out of his pocket and leans close to me so I can see the screen. A hint of spicy aftershave teases my senses, and I’m momentarily back in the hotel room on that first night—his hot mouth on my neck as I dig my fingers into the skin on his back.
“Make me come to life, Kitty Meow,” Tanner says seriously, enlarging the picture of a fluffy, interactive cat toy with rainbow fur.
I look up at his face, studying the picture, so intent on finding it for Penny’s niece, and I feel a flicker of arousal. He’s just said the words “Kitty Meow,” and I’m about to soak through my panties.
What the hell has gotten into me?
“Come on.” I pull on his arm. “Somewhere has to have it. You can’t let Scarlett down. You said she’s five years old, right?”
“Yeah.” Tanner’s eyes light up. “She’s the sweetest little girl. Penny’s been trying to get this toy for ages, but it’s sold out in the UK. It’s supposed to be a reward for being brave at school.”
“What’s she need to be brave about?” I ask, reading a box for a pooping mermaid toy.
Who buys this crap? And how does that even work?
“Oh, she’s been nervous about making new friends. She’s worried no one will talk to her.”
My eyes fly to Tanner’s face. “What? Why?”
“She’s got Heterochromia.” He looks at my blank face. “It’s when each eye is a different color to the other.”
“Oh, but that makes her unique!” The thought of a sweet, beautiful little girl worrying over being different makes me feel emotional suddenly.
Seriously, who has taken over my body?
“Did you have a toy flight attendant doll and airplane you used to play with when you were little?” Tanner teases.
“No,” I fire back sharply. I look up at him and take a deep breath, “Sorry.”
“You okay?” he asks, looking at me, concern etched in his eyes, unfazed by my bluntness towards him.
“I’m fine. I just didn’t have the usual childhood… all the toys and that.” I gesture at the shelves with one hand.
He rubs his lips together, his eyebrows pulling in. “Want to talk about it?”
“Nope.”
“Okay.” He nods, his eyes returning to the row upon row of toys. I watch as they light up suddenly. “Yes!” he cries enthusiastically, reaching up to grab a box.
His coat is unfastened, so as he reaches up, his shirt pulls across his hard abs.
Fuck.
“Did you find it?” I ask as he lifts the box down.
He turns the box proudly to me, his cheeks flushed, a giant ear-to-ear grin on his face. I wish I could take a picture of his reaction while holding a bright pink box with a rainbow Kitty inside.
“What’s so funny?” He raises a brow at me.
“Nothing, just you and your rainbow meow.” I smirk.
“Hey!” He pretends to look offended. “What’s wrong with a rainbow pussy?”
I throw my head back and laugh out loud.
I can’t help it.
I don’t know who I am anymore.
Tanner should look at me like I’ve grown an extra head, as this is just not me. I’m not the girl who laughs out loud with men in toy stores. I’m the girl who can throw back a whisky without wincing and hooks up with almost strangers for my fix. Yet, as my laugh dies down, I find him looking at me with a bright smile spread over his face, his eyes glittering like he’s just seen a magician pull a rabbit out of a hat for the first time.
