That’s it. Ten days is long enough for this pity party.
My tiny bedroom is shrouded in darkness thanks to the wonderful invention of blackout blinds. I’m cocooned snuggly in my duvet, surrounded by snotty tissues. The Salvator Brothers being the closest I’ve come to human interaction. My life is just one disaster after another.
Ten days ago I walked in on my fiancé, now ex-fiancé, balls deep in some leggy blonde as he bent her over the kitchen counter. My world was crumbling as my heart shattered. He was too busy entertaining his guest to notice me hurl my engagement ring at his head and storm out. I shudder at the memory.
The persistent prick is obviously now racked with guilt, as despite being blocked in every way possible, he continues to reach out.
During my ten days of avoiding sunlight and wallowing, the realization dawned on me. My sadness wasn’t for Jamie cheating specifically. I think I was in love with the idea of him, rather than truly him.
Maybe I am just unlovable. I sigh, tucking the duvet up even tighter around my neck. Being abandoned by your own father and neglected by your alcoholic mother doesn’t muster much for self-esteem. Something my therapist and I are trying to hash out. Somehow, I’d let the illusion of love and needing a man cloud my judgment. All I wanted was for someone to show me I was enough.
I’ve spent my whole life caring for myself, before leaving my toxic family home in London. At eighteen, I uprooted my life for a sociology scholarship at Columbia University. That teenager I was then, with a spring in my step, would be pissed to see me in this state now.
I snatch my phone off the bare nightstand, the light from it almost blinding me. I have to blink through my teary eyes to focus. Twenty-four missed calls and three texts. I rub my temples, trying to ease the pulsating headache as I open up the latest onslaught of Jekyll and Hyde messages.
UNKNOWN
Babe, please call me back. I am so sorry. It is not what you think.
Wow, I didn’t realize you could confuse watching his cock slide in and out of another woman. This one almost makes me chuckle.
UNKNOWN
I need you, I miss you, please call me
UNKNOWN
You know you NEED me, just get over it
ME
Fuck OFF.
Rage jolts through me as I hurl my phone to the floor with a thud. Tossing my head back with a huff against my pink fluffy pillows, the tears are now free-flowing down my cheeks. I was so almost happy, with a good steady paralegal job at a top 10 law firm in Manhattan. It just wasn’t my dream job of working in social care. I had a fiancé. It wasn’t an all-consuming passion and love, but I felt safe. I knew something was missing. I didn’t want to face it because at least I had managed to run away from my old life in London. At least this was better.
It is always my problem. I crave more, more out of life, more out of relationships, and it has gotten me this far. I have a fire within me that tells me I can do better, so I work my ass off to not become my mother.
Just chuck me a bottle of vodka right now, though, and the resemblance is there. An absolute shit show.
“I will always choose you.” Damon’s deep voice booms through my room from the small flatscreen plonked on my dresser. Don’t we all secretly love a bad boy?
Jamie was sweet, reliable, and secure. Three things I thought I needed, not wanted. He pushed me to find my job for financial security to build a base to pursue my dreams. He took me on dates. He asked how my day was when I would get home from work. But there was always something missing. There was never that spark. That’s one thing I’m relieved about. I’ll never have to fake an orgasm with him again. He wasn’t a bad partner in that department, he just wasn’t enough. After asking him to grab my throat, he stopped and looked at me like I had two heads. It’s safe to say I never bothered asking him for anything else again, sexually speaking. Boy, did I fantasize about finding a man who would.
He’d open doors for me with a cute smile, but never slap my ass on the way through. I don’t crave sweet affection. I never really got so much as a hug from my mom on my birthday. I crave the feeling of being claimed, owned, and used. It might be wrong, being so fiercely independent in every other aspect from such a young age, but this one part of me I needed to be brought to life.
Maybe one day.
Now don’t get me wrong, I have read my fair share of romance novels. But not the sweet swoony type with a perfect happily ever after. I read the darkest of the dark. You know, the kind where her alpha hole lover sends her the enemy’s hand in a parcel with half the book smothered in dirty kinky smut. Maybe I’m getting this whole romance thing wrong.
The apartment door crashes open, followed by the clang of keys being hurled into a glass bowl. The clicking of stilettos on the oak flooring echoes throughout the apartment, becoming louder and louder. Shit, I promised Maddie that today is the day I get my shit together. My current position looks the exact opposite of that.
“SIENNA ANDERSON, I swear to God I better not be hearing Damon Salvatore on that TV coming from your room, or so help me!” Maddie bellows from down the hallway, and I cringe. I must be the worst roommate in history.
I pounce to the bottom of the plush double bed, rifling through the insane amounts of decorative pillows piled there, frantically searching for the TV remote. Suddenly, my eyes burn from the stream of natural light as the door flings open. Christ, maybe I am turning into a vampire.
I bring my gaze up to my best friend and give her my best, please forgive me, pout.
“Nope, you are done Si. I can’t watch you do this to yourself any longer.” She stomps over and snatches the remote from under a pink frilly pillow.
“Don’t you dare turn that off Maddison,” I growl, yes growl, trying to make a ninja move to snatch the remote back, but it was no use. The silence is almost deafening.
Maddie glares at me, her brows furrowing.
“Sienna, I know you have had a shitty time, but please, I need you back. I need my best friend, and most of all, you need to stop punishing yourself for Jamie’s mistakes.” Her face softens as she perches down at the foot of the bed.
“Ha! Shitty is one way to explain it, Mads. I mean, look at the state of me!” I exhale, throwing my hands up. “What is wrong with me? Why don’t I deserve to be loved?” I’m sniffling now because just hearing Jamie’s name feels like I am being speared in the heart.
“Look, Jamie is and always was a douche-bag. Now walking in on him fucking some blonde, snorting cocaine off her tits was not ideal, but you need to realize that you deserve so much more.”
I wince at her words. Not only had I been cheated on, but I was also clearly thick to not realize he was an addict. Sweet and predictable Jamie wasn’t who I thought he was at all.
Maddie’s silky hair spills over my shoulder as she rests her head there, offering me comfort.
“Please tell me you are done with this wallowing now. You absolutely fucking stink. The room is covered in snotty tissues and you have not seen sunlight in over a week.”
Peering down at her, I grin and sniffle my nose. “It has been ten days, actually,” I sarcastically respond with a smirk. She’s right though. I was a fighter and I wouldn’t let this knock me down. I can’t.
I nuzzle my head into Maddie’s shoulder, taking in her warmth and the smell of her signature sweet floral perfume. As if noticing my body relaxing, she flies back up off the bed, knocking me backward. Her grin is so wide, it creased her eyes.
“Exactly!! Get the hell out of bed, get in that shower, and glam yourself up. You have exactly one hour before the birthday eve events begin!” She’s saying this while tossing her curly platinum blonde hair over her shoulder and quickly turning on her heel to leave, not waiting for my response. “Love you, Si,” she excitedly giggles, already down the hallway.
Maybe a girl’s night out is just what I needed.
An hour later, I have a clean room, my collection of snotty tissues in the trash, the bed perfectly made and I no longer smell like crap.
Maddie was right. I smelled like a cheap burger, and when I caught my reflection in the mirror, I hardly recognized myself beneath the red puffy eyes and greasy, limp hair.
In my little pity party I’d completely forgotten today was our birthday eve celebration. These were always my and my dad’s tradition. Since he decided to pack up and desert me over fifteen years ago, I continued the tradition with Maddie.
Giving myself a final once over in the mirror, I finish the look off by dragging my favorite red lipstick across my plump lips. Being all dressed up, I can’t stop Jamie’s words from taunting me.
“Is that really what you are wearing, Sienna? It’s a bit fucking tight.” My grip on the lipstick gets tighter and tighter, remembering it.
Making my way into the living room, Maddie clocks me a genuine smile that lights up her features.
“Fuck me. Sienna was still in there somewhere. I knew it,” Maddie taunts, wiggling her eyebrows. She’s clearly overjoyed by her sass.
I roll my eyes and waltz straight past her, bee-lining to the fridge, where I bend down to grab the crisp bottle of rose that’s calling my name.
“Is that dress short enough, Si?” Maddie laughs from behind me, “I can see your asshole near enough from here.”
I quickly straighten my spine as I tug on the hem of my dress, shooting her a glare. Until recently, I had never been self-conscious about my appearance. I work hard to keep my figure in check whilst eating and drinking whatever the hell I wanted. I am, by no means, model material. My love for food and wine wouldn’t let me. I definitely don’t have the height or the long legs for days, unlike Maddie. What I do have is a mighty fine ass and a good pair of tits to flaunt. Looking down to check the length of my dress, I quickly snap myself out of that. Weeks of Jamie subtly gnawing at my confidence clearly have taken its toll on me. But damn, I look smoking hot tonight.
“Well, what do you think? Good enough to get some free shots tonight?” I ask, giving her a 360 spin of my final look.
“Oh, hell yes. You look totally fuckable. Maybe just ask me if you need to tie your stilettos up in the club.”
“Piss off.” I can’t help but laugh. This dress is short, but it’s staying on.
Catching a glance of myself on our floor-length mirror in the living room, my make-up gives me the smokey-eyed temptress look highlighting my icy blue eyes. My lightly tanned skin is glowing thanks to a dab of bronzer and I’ve painted my lips in a deep maroon to pop against my short black dress. My hair sits just above my bra line. I recently added some caramel highlights to contrast against my natural chocolate brown locks, which are only more visible with these bouncy curls. My hair was so greasy earlier that I couldn’t even see them. Maddie was right. I look like a totally new person.
I lean over the white marble counter, grab two large wine glasses, and aimlessly stare at the liquid pouring in. It made that glugging sound that always reminds me of my mother and thereby, makes me wince. Taking Maddie’s glass over to her, we lift our drinks to toast.
“Cheers to being single and sexy!” she giggles, giving me a wink, and tosses her head back, downing the whole glass of wine.
“The Uber will be here in five, get your shit together and down that wine,” Maddie announces, frantically pacing around the apartment, collecting her coat and bag.
“Mads, where are we actually going tonight? Am I going to need my entire week’s wages?” Knowing Maddie, it’s going to be somewhere high-end, full of corporate assholes for her to bat her eyelashes at.
Basically, a room full of Jamies. Just what I need.
“The new nightclub on 10th Avenue. Have you not been on social media in the last week, Si?” She lifts an accusing eyebrow. “It’s called The End Zone. Apparently, it’s owned by some sexy, mysterious, unattainable boxer, according to a New York magazine’s most eligible bachelor article. The opening night is tonight and I managed to nab us tickets from a client at work.”
“That actually sounds really cool.”
I grab my phone out of my clutch and look up The End Zone. As I predicted, it’s high-end yet sexy, so I best master my best flirty smile for those barmen and free shots tonight. With a newfound spring in my step, grabbing my leather jacket, we make our way out of the flat and off to my first night being single in the City.
