You know, I’d never really understood the expression “they were shaking in their boots” until now, because I was quite literally shaking in my boots.
I didn’t normally get nervous before races, but that was before. This was now, and my stomach felt like it was two seconds away from dropping all the way down to my ankles.
It felt like I’d blinked, and divisionals were here.
I’d been practicing with Maple—walking, trotting, and loping a few days each week, taking care not to overwork her. Sometimes Luke came with me, and sometimes he didn’t. I didn’t get nervous while I was practicing anymore. I finally believed I was safe.
While I was practicing, it was easy to remember why I loved barrel racing. It was the only rodeo sport where horsemanship wasn’t judged—it was all about the time—but you still had to be a damn good rider to pull off a successful barrel race. I liked that being a good rider was so integral to the sport it didn’t even need to be judged. It was one of the things that drew me to the barrels in the first place.
Being here in an arena, surrounded by competitors and people I knew, was different than practicing. People I loved were here. My dad, my brothers, Luke, Teddy, Hank—even Cam and her fiancé had come so Riley could be here. It was like my safety net had been pulled from under me. I didn’t know if there was anything I could have done to better prepare for it.
I did my normal pre-race routine, but the shaking didn’t stop. I didn’t think I was in danger of a full panic attack, but this was definitely at least panic-lite.
Teddy had to pin my number onto my shirt because my hands were quivering so badly.
“Emmy. What’s up? I’ve never seen you like this before a race.” There was no reason to lie to her now. I’d been lying to her for so long, and I couldn’t do it anymore. I didn’t want to.
“This is my first race since I got thrown from a horse in June. That’s why I came home. That’s why I was so mopey and closed off, and that’s why I can’t get my shaking under control right now.” The words fell from my lips before I could think them all the way through.
Teddy blinked slowly. I thought she was going to reprimand me for not telling her about everything. I should have. She was my best friend. I should have told her. I should have told everyone.
Instead, she said, “I’m sorry that you’ve been carrying that by yourself.”
I didn’t know how to respond, because I really hadn’t been carrying it by myself.
Luke had helped me.
“Teddy. I need you to do something for me.”
“Anything, babe.”
“Can you get Luke?”
Teddy returned a few minutes later with Luke in tow. He was wearing his normal jeans and boots, but instead of a t-shirt, he’d opted for a cowboy button-down along with a black cowboy hat.
My cowboy.
He walked into the riders’ area, and worry was written all over his face. When I saw him, my shaking didn’t stop, but it wasn’t as intense. His eyes found mine, and he made a beeline for me, Teddy following behind him.
When he got to me, he immediately cupped my face in his hands. “What’s wrong, sugar? Are you having another panic attack?”
I shook my head. I wasn’t. “I just needed you.”
“I’m here.” He wrapped me up in his arms, and I melted into him. He stroked my hair and rubbed his hands over my back and my arms. We stayed there for a while, and it was like with every pass of his hands over me, the shaking got less and less, until it stopped.
He must’ve felt it, too, because he pulled back and put his hands on my shoulders.
“What’s going on inside that beautiful head of yours?” His voice was the soft one. I think he only used that one with me.
“Do you think I can do this?” I asked.
“Yes,” he responded immediately. “But it doesn’t really matter if I know you can do it. It only matters if you know it, too.”
Of course he would choose this moment to get all inspirational.
It did make me feel better, though. He made me feel better.
“Wow, I’m really looking forward to your TED talk,” I said sarcastically.
Luke flicked my nose. “Smart-ass. But if your sarcasm is in check, then I’m guessing you’re feeling a little better?”
“Yeah, I am.” I folded myself into him again. I could stay here forever. I wanted to stay with him forever. “Thank you.”
The event coordinator came into the contestant area to give us our ten minute warning.
“Sugar”—Luke kissed my forehead—“I am so proud of you.”
“I haven’t even raced yet,” I said against his chest.
He pulled back so he could look down at me. “You don’t need to race for me to be proud of you. You could call this all off right now and walk out of here, and I would still be proud of you.”
“You would?”
“Yes.” He kissed my forehead again. His forehead kisses made me feel like I was floating. Something about them felt so intimate. He pulled back again and tucked his finger under my chin, forcing me to look at him. “So, are we walking out of here?”
I wanted this.
I wanted to ride.
And I wanted to win.
“No.”
“That’s my girl.” Luke smiled big enough that I could see the wrinkles around his big brown eyes. They were the last thing I saw before he kissed me.
You know in the action movies when the hero and heroine kiss right before the battle, and all of the sudden they’re ready to take on the aliens or the mutated monster or whatever?
I understood that now.
LUKE
The coordinator called for the barrel racers, and it took everything in me to let Emmy out of my arms. I wanted so many more moments like this with her.
She grabbed her cowboy hat off a table next to us. “Thank you,” she said. Then, she turned and started walking toward the racer entrance.
And damn, did her ass look good in those jeans.
I watched her until I couldn’t see her red shirt anymore. When I tore my eyes away from where I saw her last, Teddy was staring at me. I couldn’t place the look on her face, but I didn’t think it was bad. Hopefully.
I had honestly forgotten she was standing there with us, that she had just seen us together in a way no one else even knew existed.
“What?” I asked her.
She shook her head slightly, like she was in a daze.
“You’re in love with her,” she said. It wasn’t a question.
“Yeah, I am.” I didn’t have any reason to lie to Teddy. If she didn’t punch me in the face the day she came into my office to interrogate me, I was pretty sure she wouldn’t now.
“Does she know?”
“Not yet.”
“You should tell her.”
“I will.”
“She loves you, too, you know.”
The thought of that terrified me, but it also made me feel like the luckiest man alive. I didn’t really know how to be in love, but I knew I wanted to be with Emmy, in every way I could. I wanted the kitchen slow dances, nights out with shots, rides through the mountains, hot sex, afternoon naps, two-lane highways with the windows down.
I wanted it all.
“How do you know that?”
“She asked for you.” Teddy shrugged. “Emmy never asks for anything. She just puts her head down and deals with things in the only way she knows how, by kicking shit around in her own brain. But she asked for you.”
