Riding lessons with Brooks were actually going okay. He hadn’t asked me to mount a horse yet, but I was able to fully tack Maple up yesterday without giving into the little panic monster inside me.
I felt like I should have been more embarrassed about Brooks seeing me in that state, but I wasn’t. Every time I thought about that situation, the actual panic attack didn’t really cross my mind, but the way Brooks had comforted me, without questions or reservations, did.
“What do you need, sugar?” I replayed those words in my head over and over again. I’d never heard him talk like that—soft. In the moment, his words held me together just as much as his arms had.
He took care of me like it was the most natural thing in the world, and that’s what was heavy on my mind–not the panic attack.
Neither of us had brought it up, and I didn’t think either of us ever would, but that didn’t make me any less grateful I hadn’t had to go through it alone that day.
The fact that someone else knew what happened was weirdly freeing. It was like, now that he knew, the whole situation didn’t just exist in my head—it was real. The pain it caused me was real. The aftermath was real.
And if the fall was real, the rise could be, too.
So far, Brooks’s riding lessons consisted solely of tacking up and untacking our horses together. Then, we would take them out to the riding corral and walk them. When we returned to the stables, we untacked and then let Maple and Friday out to pasture.
He had to be bored of that. How did he have the patience to do all the work of getting our horses ready just to take them on the horse equivalent of walking a dog around the block and then bringing them back?
I felt like he was wasting his time with me, but I was grateful he was taking it slow, not pressuring me to mount Maple…yet.
I knew it had to be coming.
While we were doing our tack-and-walk routine, Brooks and I talked. This guy had been hanging around my house since I was born, yet this was the first time I’d ever had any one-on-one time with him. And we talked. Like, actually talked.
And when we were talking, I wasn’t thinking about my accident or the aftermath.
It helped. Probably more than I wanted to admit.
I’d learned a lot about Brooks over the past few days. His favorite movies were Dead Poet’s Society and National Treasure—two movies I definitely wasn’t expecting. I thought he would be more of a No Country for Old Men type of guy.
His favorite band was Bread, but if he had to choose a second favorite, he would pick Brooks & Dunn or The Highwaymen.
I learned other things, too. Things that were sprinkled into our conversations, that he probably didn’t realize he was telling me. Like that his half-brothers didn’t speak to him at all anymore. He hadn’t seen his mom in years because of his step-dad, John. A few years ago, someone at The Devil’s Boot offered him their condolences on his mom’s health, and that was how he found out she’d gone through treatment for cancer in her esophagus.
She was okay now, but he still hadn’t seen her.
He tried to a few times right after she went into remission, but John wouldn’t let him in the house.
Growing up, I knew Brooks’s home situation wasn’t great. That was why he spent all his time at the ranch. But hearing about it as an adult was different. It held more weight for me now.
And if it felt heavy for me just hearing about it, I could only imagine what it felt like for Brooks. He was the one who had to carry it.
He deserved better.
It was weird, spending time with Brooks this way. I’d known him nearly my entire life, but I didn’t actually know him.
Before recently, the main thing I knew about Brooks was that he was always around. I used to get so jealous he got to be part of the Ryder Boys Club with my brothers and my dad, and he wasn’t even a Ryder.
I wish I’d known then how much it meant to him to be a part of something like that—to be a part of us.
We had another lesson today, but not until later in the morning. Gus was taking advantage of the extra hands Brooks was willing to provide, so I took the opportunity to eat breakfast with my dad. I hadn’t seen him nearly enough since I’d been home—he was a busy guy.
As we sat at the kitchen counter, me with homemade chocolate chip pancakes, him with a green smoothie—Wes really wasn’t kidding about the health thing—I asked about Brooks.
“Dad?” My voice was quiet, timid, even.
“Yeah, Spud?” he replied without looking up from his morning paper. I knew what I was about to ask would raise some flags with my dad, but I needed to know what he saw in Brooks.
“What do you think about Brooks?”
“Luke? He’s a good man. Why?” Because he sat on the stable floor with me for an hour the other day, and I need to know if that’s normal.
“I guess I’m just wondering why you basically took him in when we were kids.”
My dad took off his reading glasses and set his paper down. “Why the sudden interest?” Flags: raised.
“I don’t know. Just curious.”
The look my dad gave me told me he wasn’t fully convinced of my answer, but he answered my question anyway.
“Luke is fearless. When Gus brought him home from school when they were kids, I knew he was either going to be great, or he was going to become his own worst enemy, like his dad.” My dad continued, “I knew Jimmy pretty well back in the day. He was fearless, too. But no one ever had any expectations for him. What started out as being fearless just turned into being reckless as he got older.”
That made sense to me. Jimmy Brooks wasn’t really known for being a responsible or stable guy.
“But Brooks was reckless, too,” I said, thinking back to all the times he’d gotten himself hurt or done something stupid. Like when he bought a piece of shit motorcycle, sped through town without a helmet, and wrapped himself around a tree all in the same day. It scared the hell out of my dad and Gus. When I got home, a bloody and bruised Brooks was getting one of Amos Ryder’s famous talking-tos.
Knowing what I knew now, I wondered if Brooks had ever had anyone care enough to yell at him the way my dad did that day.
Since being home, I was constantly trying to wrap my brain around this man who was way more caring and dynamic than I’d ever given him credit for.
“Luke isn’t reckless. He never has been. He’s been careless sometimes—impulsive and hasty—which is probably why he’s ended up with his nose broken more times than I can count. But it’s hard to care when you don’t have anyone or anything, and there’s no one around to care about you.”
I didn’t know what that was like. I’d always known I was loved.
“Luke is kind of like a stray dog,” my dad continued. Nice, I thought. “Rough around the edges, in need of a little structure and a healthy dose of love. He has good days and bad days. Granted”—my dad clicked his tongue—“I haven’t had to bail his ass out of jail for a few years, which I’m pretty damn pleased about.”
I remember my dad having to bail Brooks out of jail for fighting three times, and those were just the times I knew about.
Luckily, this was a small town, and Amos Ryder had gone to school with the sheriff.
“It took a long time for him to trust me, to trust Gus and Wes, when we said he was welcome here, but we never stopped showing up for him, and eventually, he showed up for us–and has every day since.”
I thought about the time Brooks was supposed to pick me up from rodeo practice because no one in my family could. I would’ve rather walked home, but Gus insisted it would be fine.
Brooks was late. He couldn’t drive because he’d had a few beers, so when his truck rolled around the corner, whatever girl he was screwing around with at the time was in the driver’s seat.
Back then, the whole situation pissed me off, especially because I had to sit between the girl and Brooks on the bench seat. He had to stick his head out the window while she was driving to get some air on his face.
Looking back on it now, I realized he still showed up for me that day.
Albeit tipsy and late, but I didn’t think there were many people a twenty-year-old Brooks would’ve done that for.
I felt the smallest of smiles tug at the corners of my mouth, thinking about Luke Brooks having to ask that girl to drive him to go pick up his best friend’s little sister.
“I never thought about what it must’ve been like for him—living in a house where he wasn’t wanted,” I said. I felt bad for being such an asshole to him. “Do you think if he didn’t meet Gus, he would be different?”
“Maybe. I don’t think we can take all the credit. Kid’s got a heart the size of the Rocky Mountains. He likes having people to care for, and he needs people to care for him. I think he would’ve found his way eventually, maybe with a few more shitty pit stops.”
I thought about that for a second. I was still trying to connect the two versions of Brooks I had in my brain: the careless teenager who’d pushed my buttons, and the man who’d sat with me on the floor of the stables for an hour while I was having a panic attack.
It was hard to believe they were the same person. I didn’t know if he had changed, or if I just hadn’t seen him clearly before.
“I guess he’s okay,” I said, trying not to give anything away in front of my dad.
He smiled at me, and there was an expression on his face I couldn’t place. “He is,” my dad agreed. “Thanks for having breakfast with me, Spud.”
“Is your time up?” I asked.
“It is. I’m headed into town today to pick up some inventory and a new part for one of the hay balers. Do you need anything?” He started clearing his area at the counter and taking his dishes to the sink.
“I’m okay. I’ve gotta get down to the stables.”
“Enjoy your day, Spud,” he said as he pulled his cowboy hat from its hook in the kitchen. “Love you.”
“Love you,” I responded. Now that my dad was back at the ranch, I was grateful for the time I had with him. The time I was spending with him now was different than when I used to come home for the holidays or when I had breaks in my schedule. During those times, my dad planned around me, so we could spend a good chunk of time together.
Since I was home for a longer period, I cherished these smaller moments with him. It meant there was no pressure for us to spend time together. We got to just exist in each other’s orbit–without a deadline on our time–for the first time since I was eighteen.
The small moments made me realize how much I missed him while I was gone, and how much I needed him.
And, in an unexpected turn of events, how happy I felt to be home.
I started walking down to the stables, and my phone buzzed. I pulled it out of my back pocket and saw it was Kenny. We had talked a little bit since I saw him at The Devil’s Boot, but nothing crazy. He’d been fun to flirt with that night. It had been nice to see him, he was kind, and I really appreciated him giving Teddy and me a ride home so we didn’t have to sleep in the bed of the truck outside the bar, but I didn’t have any interest in him.
It had nothing to do with the man I was going to meet.
Probably.
I also had a few texts from Stockton. I hadn’t read them, and later, I knew I would delete them without doing so. I sighed and slid my phone back in my pocket without responding to Kenny.
I saw Brooks before he saw me. He was in the doorway of the stables, and he had some tools out. He was probably fixing the hinge that was driving Gus up the wall.
For the first time since I got home, Brooks was wearing his signature muscle tee. It looked like this one used to be an INXS t-shirt before he took a pair of scissors to it.
As annoying as it was to admit, Luke Brooks was hot as hell, and so was the muscle tee. God, what was wrong with me? Historically, I was staunchly anti-muscle tee, and now I was drooling over Brooks and his exposed arms. The way his biceps flexed and bulged was enough to get anyone hot and bothered.
And don’t even get me started on the fucking backward baseball cap he was sporting today.
Damn.
Damn. Damn. Damn.
You are weak, Clementine Ryder, I thought to myself. One backward baseball cap, and I was throwing all my opinions on muscle tees out the window.
And my opinions on Luke Brooks were being thrown out with them.
He must’ve heard my boots on the dirt because he looked up from his task. He smiled as big as he could, but he was holding a nail between his teeth, keeping it handy if he needed it.
Why was that hot, too?
“Hey,” I called out. He pulled the nail out of his mouth and dropped it in the bowl at his feet.
“Good morning,” he drawled. I used to hate his mountain drawl, but now I wanted to wrap myself up in it. I watched his eyes track me up and down, but he did it fast, like he didn’t want me to notice. My cheeks heated, and I tried to will it away.
“Do you think you’re ready to mount today?” he asked. There was a joke in there somewhere, but I wasn’t touching it. The last thing I needed was to make mounting jokes with Luke Brooks.
The thought of getting on Maple made my heart beat a little faster, but it wasn’t anywhere near what my reaction had been like a few weeks ago.
“I think I can give it a go,” I said. Brooks smiled again. When he smiled big like that, he got these wrinkles around his eyes. They were stupid cute.
“Let’s go, then.” He used two of his fingers and motioned for me to join him in the stable. We walked side by side back to Maple and Friday’s stalls, but Maple’s was empty.
“Where’s Maple?” I asked.
“I let her out this morning,” he responded. Okay?
“So…am I not mounting today, then?” I was confused. Maple was my horse, so if I was going to ride, why wasn’t she here?
“You are, but we’re going back to basics.”
“So?”
“You’re going to ride Moonshine.” Huh. I hadn’t thought about riding a horse other than Maple, but Moonshine made sense. Moonshine was bombproof—the perfect horse for a beginner.
And I was a beginner again.
Why didn’t I think of that?
“Okay,” I agreed. “Moonshine it is.”
“I’ll get her and Friday on the cross-ties, and we’ll get started, yeah?”
“Yeah.” My heart started to kick against my ribcage, and the early feelings of panic were all too familiar at this point. Brooks had his eyes on me, probably to gauge my reaction. Instead of focusing on the feelings of panic that were creeping their way up my chest, I focused on him. I focused on how secure I’d felt when his arms were wrapped around me, and the way his breath had felt against my cheek.
If he was here, I was going to be okay.
I pushed the panic down, locking it firmly at the base of my throat. I felt it prick at me as I moved to start the tacking process, but I didn’t let it overcome me.
I could do this.
I wanted to do this.
I grabbed the grooming tools off the wall as Brooks secured the horses, and we fell into the routine we’d been doing for the last week or so. I started to brush Moonshine, and I think it made her happy. Her tail was swinging freely.
“So, what should we cover today?” he asked. I liked that he wanted to talk to me, that maybe he was enjoying our conversations as much as I was.
“Hmm…” I said out loud. I thought about it for a second. What did I want to know about Luke Brooks? “Who was your first kiss?” I asked.
Brooks looked surprised, but he just smiled and said, “Interesting question, Ryder.”
“So answer it,” I said. “Or can you not remember the long line of women who got their hearts broken by Luke Brooks?”
He laughed. It was a deep, genuine laugh. “My first kiss was Claudia Wilson.”
That name—well, the last name—rang a bell in my head immediately. “Didn’t you sleep with her mom?” I blurted out.
“You keeping tabs on me, Ryder?” he said with a smirk.
“No,” I said defensively.
“Sure.” He was still smirking, and I didn’t even find it annoying, which was annoying in itself. “I had my first kiss when I was thirteen. It was at some junior high dance. You know, the ones where they play “Yeah” by Usher and then hit you with, like, “Open Arms” by Journey, and warn you not to get too close?” I knew exactly what he was talking about. “And those poor teachers have to monitor a room full of tweens who could spontaneously start grinding on each other at any moment?” I couldn’t help but let out a giggle. Those dances were a universal experience in Meadowlark.
“Anyway, it was one of those. During a slow song, we snuck into the boys locker room, and I kissed her in the showers. I wasn’t very good at it. I nearly knocked both of our front teeth out, and I tried to use my tongue before I was ready.”
I laughed louder at that.
“And to answer your other mildly invasive question, yes. I did sleep with her mom.” At least he was honest. “But that wasn’t until after high school, I didn’t know who she was, and it was only one time.”
Huh, interesting.
“And for the record, the rumors about my sexual exploits involving people’s moms are exaggerated.” It was funny to me he knew those rumors were out there but never addressed them. He just kept on rolling, not caring what anyone thought of him.
“So how many moms have you slept with, then?”
“Just one.” Someone told me it was at least ten. The lore surrounding Luke Brooks in Meadowlark was deep-rooted. It used to bother me that everyone besides me just put up with him.
“You’re really peeling back the curtain for me, Brooks.”
“Do you like what you see?” he asked jokingly, but I was honest when I answered.
“Yes.” He paused what he was doing–cleaning Friday’s hooves–and looked up at me. I couldn’t quite place the expression on his face, but it was…intense. It left as soon as it came.
“So who was yours?” he asked, returning to his task. “First kiss, I mean.”
“It was Colton Clifford. Sophomore year. It was during the fireworks at the Fourth of July rodeo.” I thought back to that day. I was fifteen, and all I could think about was that there were only three years until I could get out of Meadowlark.
I wondered if fifteen-year-old me would be disappointed that I was right back where I started.
“Damn. Smooth.” I could hear the smile in Brooks’s voice as I got some stubborn dirt out of Moonshine’s shoes.
“It honestly was,” I said. “Until I found out he kissed another girl later that night.”
“You’re kidding.” Luke’s voice was truly shocked, like he couldn’t believe a guy would do that to me. When my heart kicked in my chest again, it had nothing to do with panic and everything to do with him.
“Nope,” I responded. “I caught him under the stands with a freshman.”
“I know where he lives. I will go down there and kick his ass right now.”
I laughed, but he might have been serious. “Teddy took care of that years ago,” I said, smiling.
“Good,” he replied.
Both of us finished grooming and went to grab our tack. My heart rate started to kick up again. As if Brooks could sense it, he said, “It’s okay, Emmy,” and placed his hand on my lower back as he led me back to Moonshine. The heat that coursed through my body at his touch distracted me from my anxiety about mounting her.
I went through the motions of tacking her up. This was second nature. I’d done it thousands of times in my life. That wasn’t an exaggeration.
Saddle pad. Saddle. Girth. Bridle, starting with the bit. I repeated the words in my head over and over again as I went through the motions, trying to keep my mind on the task at hand and not what would come after.
After Brooks finished on Friday, we walked the horses out of the stable to the corral. Brooks secured Friday on one of the posts and came up to me.
“Let’s do this, Ryder. Need a boost?” Honestly, a boost couldn’t hurt. Based on the reaction I had when he’d put his hand on my back, I figured his touch might distract me, so I nodded.
Something shifted in the air, like giving him permission to touch me changed something between us.
“Alright.” He put his hands on my waist first, which was not how you helped someone get on a horse. We both knew that, but I didn’t care. I could get on Moonshine myself, but I wanted him to touch me. “Left foot in the stirrup, sugar.” The term slipped off his tongue effortlessly. It didn’t sound demeaning anymore, though he probably called every woman that.
“One hand on the pommel.” Did his voice get lower? Was that possible? A shiver oozed down my spine.
I followed his instructions, even though I knew what I was doing. But not having to think about it, to just be able to listen, was freeing.
The distraction worked. When we got to the point where he was supposed to boost me up, I felt him lean down to me.
“I know you can get on this horse by yourself, Ryder.” His hands were still on my waist, and I could feel his breath on the back of my neck. He gave my waist a squeeze, and then let go. “So do it.”
I did.
Before I even realized what happened, I pushed my right foot off the ground and swung my leg over Moonshine.
I was in the saddle.
Holy fucking shit.
I was in the saddle, and it was okay.
I looked at Brooks—he was beaming, and his smile warmed me all the way through.
“There she is,” he said.
It was almost like he had trouble taking his eyes off me as he went back to Friday.
Luke Brooks did a lot of sexy things, which was getting less annoying, but I don’t think there was anything quite as sexy as watching him, in his backward baseball hat and muscle tee, mount his horse.
Damn.
Once he was situated, he said, “We’re going to take it slow, okay? A few walking laps around the corral, and then we’ll be done for the day.”
I nodded. I saw Brooks give Friday’s middle a small squeeze with his calves, asking him to start going forward, which he did.
I took a deep breath and did the same to Moonshine. She went.
“Breathe, Emmy. You know Moonshine will take care of you. She always has.” He was right. I took a deep breath and relaxed my white-knuckle grip on the reins.
Moonshine followed Friday, just like she was supposed to.
Brooks kept looking back to check on me. The smile never left his face.
We did three laps around the corral before Friday stopped. I gently pulled on Moonshine’s reins, but she would’ve stopped without it. Brooks dismounted and secured Friday to the post again. He walked back to me, and the smile on his face was so contagious, I smiled right back.
“How do you feel?” he asked.
“I feel amazing,” I said. Truthfully.
“You look amazing, too.” This man and his ability to make me blush was still annoying.
“Shut up, Brooks,” I said. He just kept smiling.
“Let’s quit while we’re ahead. Ready to dismount?”
The dismount went smoothly, and when my boots hit the ground, it was like I couldn’t contain the joy anymore. I secured Moonshine to the post next to Friday and turned to face Brooks. I couldn’t help it—I flung myself into him and wrapped my arms around his neck.
He was stunned still for a moment, but then he wrapped his arms around me and lifted me off the ground for a second. We laughed together. I pulled back so I could look at him.
“Thank you, Luke.” I hoped he could hear my sincerity.
“You did this, Emmy. It was all you.”
“I wouldn’t have done it without you.” Yeah, mounting a horse and taking a few walking laps was way different than barrel racing, but it was something. After having nothing for so long, I felt like I was on top of the world.
“You would have. I know it.” He brought his hand up and tucked a stray piece of hair behind my ear and then kept his hand on my face. His eyes flashed to my lips, just like they had that night in my cabin. Unlike that night, he moved his thumb and brushed it over my bottom lip. I wanted to take it into my mouth.
This was it.
I wanted him to kiss me. I wanted it so badly.
He didn’t.
Instead, he pulled away, untied both of our horses, and started walking them back to the stable.
