“WELL, HELLO THERE, sunshine.” Cooper welcomes me with a huge grin that’s just oozing sarcasm when I burst through the front door of their house.
“Don’t start with me,” I warn, pointing my finger at him. “Spencerrrrrr!” I shout. “I need you. It’s an emergency!”
“She’s upstairs investigating a drive-by shaving.” Coop’s eyes roll when her voice echoes down the stairwell.
“Oh, shit,” I groan. “I’m going in.”
A soft chuckle follows. “Good luck. I’m gonna hang down here and watch the babies.” He gestures to the sleeping infants in the bassinet, making air quotes. “And maintain safe distance away from that.” His eyes point upward.
Taking the stairs two at a time, I rush over to see what my sister-wife is screaming about. How dare she have a crisis coinciding with mine? Doesn’t she know I need her?
“Which one of you did it?” she asks, pointing to the rug of pubes lining her tub—her sanctuary. “And don’t try to blame Coop. It wasn’t him…I checked.”
Lake and Landon each point a finger at the other. “Wasn’t me.”
Oh, this is gonna be good, I think, bracing myself against the doorframe, ready to watch this thing play out.
“Don’t think I won’t make him come up here and check,” my deranged friend threatens.
“You can’t make me do it!” Coop shouts from the bottom of the stairs.
“You both know very well that I can make him do anything,” Spence grits between clenched teeth. “Fess up.”
Lake tugs the top of his basketball shorts down a fraction of an inch. “See, Mom? I didn’t do it. The trail of tears is still fully intact.”
“Uh, excuse me,” I interject, stepping into the room, finally making my presence known. “It’s called a happy trail.”
“Oh, no, Aunt Gina. One day when some lucky lady, whoever she may be, gets her eyes on what I’m packin’…There will be tears of joy, or pain.” He shrugs then smirks.
“Oh, God.” Spencer rolls her eyes with exasperation. “I don’t even know how to deal with this shit.” She waves her hand, gesturing to the teen boys who are doing their best to give my best friend a heart attack before they reach adulthood.
“Fine,” Landon pipes up, hanging his head in shame. “It was me.”
“Why the hell are you—you know what? It’s probably best if you don’t answer that. Just know this,” she says, getting up on her toes to get as close to eye level as she can manage. She’d be better off standing on the toilet seat at this point. “I have access to all of your text messages, and if your porno nuts pop up in the texts between you and Evangeline…I cannot be held responsible for my actions.”
“I’m no—”
“I don’t want to hear another word. Now find a way to get that shit out of my bathtub, and you’d better not miss a single one.” Spencer gags. “And don’t rinse it down the drain, or you’ll be the one explaining to the plumber why he’s pulling your pubes out of the pipes.”
“Never a dull moment around here, is there?” I ask, trying not to be an asshole and laugh. She’s really pissed. I’ll make fun of her later.
“Hey, Gina.” She walks over to give me a squeeze, and I can feel her heart racing from exertion.
“You need to calm down, Spence. You just gave birth five weeks ago. This can’t be good for you, Momma.”
“I know…they just make me so damn crazy sometimes, Gina. I mean, they know they aren’t allowed in my bathroom, for one.” She eyes the two delinquent boys.
Lake throws his hands up. “Hey, don’t look at me.”
“And you never asked if you could shave your balls,” she adds pointedly at Landon.
“Hey. You never said I couldn’t.”
Shrug. “The boy kinda has a point.”
“Traitor,” she whisper-hisses. “He at least could have cleaned up the fucking evidence. It’s like when they were little—” A huge grin lights her face. Squirrel! “Remember? When they first learned to write, and they’d graffiti the walls and furniture?”
Oh, how I miss those days. “And they always swore it wasn’t them,” I finish her thought. “But the little fuckers always wrote their own names.”
The twins’ cheeks turn an identical shade of red.
“They weren’t even smart enough to write each others’ names,” Spence adds, laughing.
I really worried about the two of them. “How you’ve managed to make honor roll all these years still blows my mind.”
“Ha-ha,” Landon mocks. “Someday we’ll be the ones taking care of you two hags on our doctors’ salaries.”
“When did you start allowing them to speak to us like this, Spence?”
“I didn’t.”
“Serious talk,” I say, looking to each of the boys. “You two need to cut this shit out. Stop stressing your momma out like this. You should be helping her right now. Don’t make Aunt Gigi come over here and whoop your little…er, big asses. ’Cuz I will totally go Gina circa 2010.” I snap my fingers in an exaggerated fashion. “Like that.”
“Yes, ma’am,” Lake mutters, trying not to laugh.
Landon takes a step toward his mother giving her a big hug. “Sorry, Mom.”
“Sorry for what?” I ask, the way I have since they were little. I’m sorry are only words unless you know what you’re apologizing for.
His cheeks flush. “For defiling your tub,” he mutters.
“And?” I stare him down.
“Uhh. Shaving without asking?” he answers, his brows dipped in uncertainty.
“All right now,” I say, opening my arms and waggling my fingers. “Come give Auntie her hugs. I’ve missed you little shits.”
§
“So, tell me how it went seeing Dillon yesterday. Judging by your face, not well?” my best friend asks, plopping down beside me on the white wicker swing on her front porch.
Seeing Dillon? Was that just yesterday? In the midst of the tidal wave that was running into Jeffrey again, I’d completely pushed that disaster to the back of my mind. “Oh, uh. That was awful.”
“Is that not what you came here to talk about?”
“Honestly, I’d forgotten all about his dumb ass, with how the rest of my day went.”
Spence pulls one leg up, folding it under her bottom, and turns to face me. “Tell me everything.”
So, I start by telling her about Dillon and Clarissa, and how she jumped on my ass at Aunt Martha’s in front of everyone.
“She didn’t?” Spencer’s mouth falls open in shock. “What a cunt…Please tell me you kicked her ass, bestie?”
My blood is heating just thinking about it. “Well, here’s the thing, I was about to when Jeffrey was suddenly just standing there, staring, and then the bitch sucker-punched me while I was hypnotized by his stupid handsome face.”
Her thumb rubs under my right eye. “Right here, I’m guessing? You’re starting to bruise.”
With a wince, I push her hand off. “That hurts.”
“Sorry.”
“Jeffrey…” I widen my eyes for emphasis. “He’s the guy from the cruise.”
Spencer’s eyes get round. “Oh my God. Evangeline’s dad? I hadn’t…shit. What did you do?”
“What do you think I did? What I always do. I fucked him in the laundry room.”
Spence snickers. “You are such a slut…So, the day wasn’t a total loss then, right?” She waggles her brows with exaggeration. “Bow chicka bow wow.”
“Girl, I am just getting started.”
I proceed to fill her in on the rest of our day, all the way up to the most amazing sexual experience of my life.
She pulls her bottom lip between her teeth, chewing nervously. “So, you like him then…like really like him.”
“Fuck, no.” I shake my head. “I hate him.”
“But you just said…I thought…”
“Momentary lapse in sanity. I’m not myself when I’m horny.”
Spence spits out a laugh. “Uh, yeah you are. You are your truest self when you’re horny, hooker.”
“Maybe…”
“There’s more, isn’t there? What’s got you all upset?”
My eyes start to burn with unwelcome tears. “He—umm.” One salty drop manages to sneak out and drips down my cheek. Fuck him. “He kicked me out. Like, we spent the most amazing night together…I mean, he told me about his dead wife, Spencer. Then, he woke up hungover, and—mid-puke—started yelling at me to get out. It’s like he was disgusted by my presence. Most humiliating moment of my life. I have never been thrown out on my ass by a man before.”
“Oh, Gina.” My bestie’s eyes well up with sympathy.
“Nuh-uh. It was just a stupid mistake on my part. I knew we were never going to be anything more than sex. That was the deal all along. I fucked up and caught some feelings, but I’m throwing that shit back. Done.”
“There’s a great man out there somewhere who’s going to sweep you off your feet someday, Gina, and I can’t wait.”
“I don’t want to be swept off my feet, Spence. I like my feet safely rooted to the ground.”
