I could tell Jessa internally cursed the ground I walked on, but no more than I did now. Regardless, I wouldn’t allow her or my emotions to interfere with the medical emergency facing us.
Although these jets flew higher and faster than a commercial airliner, the fucking thing couldn’t get to LAX fast enough for me.
“Fuck, Fremont,” I growled at my phone, wanting to know Jackson’s official Glasgow score and what was being displayed on his scans.
Jessa remained quiet while I went through a hundred different scenarios in my mind of how this might play out, but once we were at flying altitude, she’d gone to the back bedroom of the plane and hadn’t emerged since.
Ring!
“Dr. Nguni,” I said, answering the Chief of Pediatrics’ call before the second ring. “I’m on my way. The captain said we’re thirty minutes from descending into LAX.”
“Very good. I need to know where things stand with this patient,” he said.
From the tone of his voice, I could tell he was referring to my relationship with Jackson. I felt a jolt of fear strike me like a lightning bolt. How could I fix Jacks if I couldn’t be his physician?
“Doctor,” I started, hoping to God this man would allow me to assess my son’s condition and let me get straight to work.
“Dr. Brandt,” he said, his voice leveling me. If there was anyone who could put my ass into the mindset it needed to be, it was Chief. He was a seventy-two-year-old veteran surgeon with nerves of steel, and I respected him immensely. “You will not land and immediately go to work. Dr. Fremont confirmed that this boy is your biological son, and you and I discussed your paternity briefly after his initial evaluation with you.”
“Yes, that is all true.”
“Then you understand that while your son is stable, I need you to determine the proper protocols and decide if you can make the appropriate judgment calls as his surgeon and not his father.”
“Chief,” I said, “he’s my biological son. I do not—”
“Cam,” he interrupted. I could tell from his tone that I would not like where this was headed. “I also understand that you have recently spent significant time with him and his mother. Word gets around in this place, as you know, and I’ve been informed that there may be a deeper bond than a biological one.”
Most chiefs didn’t speak to their staff so candidly, nor did they give subordinates the chance to voice their beliefs about how situations, such as this unique one, should go. So sometimes—and I mean sometimes—Dr. Nguni allowed us some freedom to make judgment calls on our own.
I’d had at least an hour and a half to process this situation, and I could sense that Nguni was allowing me to argue my case about how and why Jacks would be safe under my care—whether he was my son or not.
I also understood that Chief was my voice of reason right now because my patient had fallen into a coma after I’d not pushed him hard enough to have surgery. It was my duty to Jacks not to beat myself up for not putting more pressure on him and his mother to make this decision.
But the God’s honest truth was that none of the scans or tests had revealed that Jacks could crash this hard and fast. There was no indication he was in such danger. I wouldn’t have let him out of our sight if there were.
Although this was a rare case, with the brain, anything was possible, and I should’ve expected the worst instead of hoping for the best.
“Sir, I am proud to say that Jackson and I have grown closer over the last month. Perhaps that is why I am driven to help save my son.”
“And why was there no encouragement for this surgery before your vacation?”
“Chief, you know that I would’ve canceled my vacation in a heartbeat if my patient wanted to go ahead with the surgery. I plan to follow every protocol, knowing that my Hippocratic oath will drive me to make all my decisions, not the fact that this is my son. I plan to assess him myself while working with my colleagues and the other professionals who may or may—”
“All right,” he interrupted me, half chuckling. “You don’t need to bullshit me with all that stuff. I know you’re a fine surgeon, Brandt. I just need to know where your mind is at. You know that we do not advise doing surgery on our loved ones. You understand this, yes?”
“More than you know, and I will ensure that it is not taken for granted that you’ve allowed me this opportunity, sir.”
“I just want to know that when you storm into this hospital, your head is in the right place.”
“I understand that, thank you. And thank you for calling on my patient’s behalf,” I responded.
“Fremont is still with him, and I will be at Fremont’s side until you arrive. It’s my day off, but I want to be here for you, the family, and our staff, as I know this will be felt personally. You have family behind you, Dr. Brandt. That is what makes us a unique medical team. So do not let your mind go there and feel alone in any decision you make moving forward.”
“I appreciate and understand that. Thanks, Chief,” I said, then hung up the phone and began to center myself.
There was no more room for emotions, and I fucking knew that.
Ring!
I picked up Jake’s call immediately.
“Hey, buddy. How far out is the jet?” Jake asked. “How are you and Jessa doing?”
“I’m pulling it together. Jessa is in the back and hasn’t said a word to me since we boarded, and she went into the private bedroom.”
“As to be expected,” Jake answered, cool as a cucumber always. “So, I’m not sure where your head is in all of this? Do you want me to run you down on what happened, or would you rather wait until—is it Dr. Fremont?”
“Yeah, Fremont is the attending physician until I arrive. Chief just called too.”
“Yes,” Jake answered, “I looped in Chief before he called. I hope the call went well?”
“It’s a good thing Nguni is as badass a chief surgeon as you are.”
Jake laughed, “Now you’re just fucking delusional, though I’ll take the compliment since everyone tells me I’m too young to be chief and that I’m lucky I even have hair on my balls.”
I wanted to laugh, but my head just wasn’t fucking there. “Tell me what happened. I’m sure Jessa is either talking to Ash about it, or she just fucking hates all of us for this.”
“Get out of your head, man,” Jake said. “Seriously, I don’t want to say who gives a fuck if she hates everyone or not, but I fucking will. You are no good to her or your son if you start with that. You wouldn’t allow angry parents to make your decisions any other time, so don’t start now. Do not let emotions take over. We’ll all take care of Jessa while you make the decisions that need to be made for your son.”
“Right,” I said, closing my eyes. Jessa would be fine. She was just processing this fluke occurrence as best she could. “Nothing indicated to me that something like this could happen, even after his seizures became more frequent.”
“Of course not. You couldn’t have known this would happen any more than I could know one of my patients would have a spontaneous heart attack. We do the best we can with the information given to us. We can’t predict whether an anomaly will occur. We’re not God, and you know that. Do not do this to yourself.”
“Yeah, well, I don’t know,” I said, sighing.
“You know Collin has your back on this too. That fucker had to hold his wife’s brain in his hands and cut. He also didn’t ask to be in the position you will likely be in soon, and you better not push him away if he offers advice.”
That pissed me off. “Why would I push away one of my best friends?”
“Because I can hear it in your voice, Cam. You’re fucking scared, and you’re spinning. That mindset will fuck you, and the next thing you know, you’ve pushed everyone away,” Jake said. “Now, let’s get back to why you’re blaming yourself for going on vacation before you talked this kid into having this surgery.”
Jake wasn’t wrong. I could already feel myself wanting to isolate, which wouldn’t be in my or Jackson’s best interest.
“I get it, Jake. There was no stopping this from happening, and vacation or not, Jessa and Jacks were not ready to go through with this surgery.”
“Which is why Collin and I were working on Jacks while you were gone,” Jake said. “Now, would you like to hear something positive?”
“Yes,” I said.
“That boy of yours is just as crazy as you are. On a fucking bet, he told Collin and me that he would be having surgery to prove he could throw a ball with his left hand if he had to.”
“You’re shitting me. Was he serious, or was he just fucking with you two?”
“Collin told him stories about his patients who should have had this surgery but couldn’t because of their age. Sad fucking stories, but they made Jacks want to seize the opportunity instead of squandering it through indecision.”
I felt tears fill my eyes, wishing I’d gone to Collin before. “I should’ve thought about doing that sooner,” I said, feeling my voice crack.
“Should’ve thought of what, having me and Col use our genius minds to help your sorry ass out?” Jake said, trying to change the tone of this conversation. “Shoulda, woulda, coulda, Cam. You know better than that.”
I chuckled. “Yeah, I know. I know,” I said, leaning back in my leather chair. “I need to get my head straight and drill down how I will proceed now that he’s in a coma.”
“Yeah, he dropped right before we got in the car to go to his appointment. By the time the ambulance arrived, and after his third seizure in under six minutes had rendered him unconscious, I feared the worst.”
“Fuck, man. Never in a million fucking years would I have imagined such a massive electrical storm.”
“I did the Glasgow with Collin over the phone while waiting for EMS to arrive, and Collin rated him a five due to pupil dilation and his unresponsiveness. EMS got him on oxygen, though, and even though they were shallow breaths, I sensed he was breathing well enough for oxygen to enter his brain.”
“I’m praying that I don’t find any damage when the tests come back,” I said, feeling nauseated by this nightmare.
Maybe I wasn’t cut out for this? Perhaps I’d grown too attached to Jackson, and I didn’t have what it took to be his surgeon. I sure as fuck wouldn’t ordinarily be this emotional with such a small amount of information on a patient. And that scared the shit out of me.
“Just get your ass down here. Word is buzzing through all the residents and surgeons, so you’ll have plenty of help at your disposal should you need it. Collin is on call tonight, and you know he’ll sneak down to the pediatric ward to lend you some of his wisdom.”
“Got it. We’re landing soon, so I’ll get off the phone and get my head straight.”
“We’re all here for you and Jessa, brother. You better fucking know that.”
“I know, and thank you,” I said.
I needed to check on Jessa. I nearly came undone when she said she was going to call her ex. Did I screw things up that bad? I needed her to know that these occurrences were uncommon. I would’ve pressed harder for the surgery if I knew this would happen. I would’ve scared the fuck out of her and Jacks with this specific nightmare scenario if I thought it was a possibility.
I couldn’t let myself feel guilty. I would not allow a freak incident to force a very frightened Jessa into making me believe this was my fault.
The worst part was that I was putting thoughts and words into Jessa’s mouth that she hadn’t relayed to me.
I was projecting my insecurities, and I needed to get over it, or I was no good to anyone.
I had to fix my son, and I was on my way to do precisely that.
