“Are you okay?” Dad asks. I look up, startled. I’ve been sitting here with him, torn between making sure he’s okay and following Noah. My thoughts are whirling, shock keeping me rooted. It can’t be. Out of everyone, it can’t be Noah.
I glance at my father, unsure how to even feel. I’ve struggled with wanting to see him for months now, and on the way here I was so sure I was making the right choice… now I’m not so sure.
“I’m fine,” I tell him, feeling detached. It’s almost like I’m mentally completely checked out, yet at the same time I’m fully aware of the words leaving my lips.
“How?” he asks, his voice shaky.
I shake my head. “I don’t know, Dad. I didn’t know. I never… I knew he lost his parents when he was young, but that’s all I know. I even googled him, but there were no search results at all. I didn’t know.”
Dad nods, the look in his eyes mirroring mine. I force myself to pull it together, pasting a shaky smile onto my face. “How do you feel?” I ask carefully. “I can’t believe…” I can’t even finish the words. He tried taking his own life. After years in prison, he almost threw away his freedom.
“I have nothing to live for, Amara. It was easier being behind bars. I had a routine there. Here? The world has changed, and I can’t catch up. Besides… Noah was right. I should have paid for my crimes with my life. Instead, they let me out early. I did the one thing I wanted above all: I saw you one last time. You seemed happy, and you didn’t need me. I just… I didn’t see the point.”
I hesitate before reaching out, placing my hand over his. “I’m not,” I whisper. “I’m not happy. I’m mad, and I’m hurt, but I missed you. I missed you throughout the years. Every Father’s Day, prom night, graduation. I…”
Dad tightens his grip on my hand and looks away, but that does nothing to hide the tears in his eyes. My heart squeezes painfully, breaking in so many different ways.
“I need time, Dad. Despite what happened, I can’t tell you that I want you in my life. The things you did… I know you paid by serving your sentence, but I…”
“I understand,” he says, nodding.
“I don’t think you do,” I murmur. “I don’t know what a relationship between us would look like, Dad. It’s been so long, and I… I don’t know. What I do know is that I want to have a choice. Please, will you give me that? Please don’t make me mourn you before I ever get to know you.”
He nods, a tear running down his cheek. I squeeze his hand, a thousand regrets running through my mind. I wish I’d pushed Noah about his parents. I wish I’d questioned my mother more when she told me to stay away. I wish I hadn’t ignored my father’s text messages for as long as I did. I wish I’d told Noah what my father did, so he’d have been able to figure out the secrets my family were keeping even if I never did. I wish I’d heeded my grandfather’s warnings. I wish I’d let Noah walk away when he tried. I have a thousand regrets, but those change nothing. I can’t undo the past. I can only face the future with as much courage as I can muster.
My thoughts are whirling all the way home. Home. When did I start to think of Noah’s house as home? I don’t even know if I’m still welcome there, or if he even wants to see me. I can’t shake the feeling that I lost him the second he realized who my father was. I’m scared of what I’ll face when I walk in. I have no words, no excuses. Being who I am, I don’t even have the right to fight for him, for us.
He might know who my father is, but I doubt he knows the full story. I doubt he knows I am the reason his parents died. How could he ever love me? How could he ever be with me? And how could I ever expect it of him?
I’m trembling by the time I walk up to the front door. The house is silent as I walk in, and I pause in the hallway, my eyes roaming over all the photos in the hallway. Photos of lives cut short. Because of me.
My stomach churns as I walk up the stairs. I can hear Noah’s footsteps, and I’m scared. I’m scared to face him. I’m scared he’ll look at me like I’m a stranger. I’m not sure my heart can take it, even though I know I deserve it.
I inhale shakily, pausing in front of the closed bedroom door, trying my best to gather my courage. I swallow hard and open the door, my heart beating loudly as I take a hesitant step forward.
I can’t look him in the eye. Instead, I stare at the open suitcase on his bed. It takes me a few moments to realize it isn’t my clothes he’s packing. It’s his own.
I look up, my every fear coming true. He looks at me in disgust and shakes his head, tearing his gaze away as though he can’t stand to look at me.
“Where are you going?” I whisper.
“Anywhere. Away from you. Us. This,” he says, gesturing between us.
I swallow back my tears as best as I can, trying my best to stay strong. “Don’t.” My voice breaks, and I wrap my arms around myself. “I’ll go. This is your home.”
Noah laughs, the sound chilling. “No, it isn’t. This is just a house. Your father destroyed my home.”
I stare at my feet, unable to face him. “I swear to you, Noah. I didn’t know. I never even suspected it.”
He closes his suitcase, his movements rushed. “Do you really expect me to believe that?” His voice is rough, angry. I can’t blame him, but it still hurts. Every fiber of my being is pleading for me to voice the words I’m keeping in. Please stay. Look at me. I love you.
Instead, I fight to keep my tears hidden, my nails digging into my arms. The pain helps me keep the tears at bay, but it doesn’t soothe my aching heart.
“I want you gone,” he says, his voice soft. “By the time I get back, I want you gone. I don’t want a single trace of you in my house. Not a single reminder of the mistake I made.”
He walks past me, his shoulder brushing against mine. I so badly want to reach out for him. I want to grab his hand and beg him to stay… but I don’t have the right.
So I watch him leave.
Noah walks away, and he doesn’t look back once. I hear the front door slam closed, and with it the greatest love I’ll ever experience comes to an end. I know it deep down to my soul. I lost him, and I’ll probably never even see him again.
I drop to my knees in the room we shared, knowing I’ll never spend another night here. I’ll never spend another night in his arms. My tears are hot and my throat burns from the sobs I kept at bay. I curl up on the floor, crying for all Noah and I lost, for everything we’ll never have.
