The gravel underneath my shoes is the only thing that disturbs the peace as I walk up to my parents’ tombstones, my heart filled with regret.
I pause in front of their graves, inhaling shakily. It never gets easier to come here. Every time I see their tombstones, fresh agony overtakes me.
“I miss you,” I whisper. I’m all alone in the graveyard, yet I can’t get myself to raise my voice. My eyes fall closed, and I take a steadying breath. “I’m sorry, Mom, Dad. I… I’m so sorry.”
I don’t even know where to begin explaining myself. I’ve failed them, disappointed them.
“For a long time, I believed that you two were looking down at us, protecting us. All the little bits of luck we had, winning partial scholarships, winning food vouchers or trips, or that time Aria desperately needed a new bicycle, and the guys at my college’s lost and found told me I could take the one that’d unexpectedly shown up there… I thought that was you. Turns out, it was Harold Astor. It was all him. He did it out of guilt, I guess.”
I shake my head and pace on the little path in front of their graves, unsure how to explain myself, how to ask for their forgiveness.
“I accepted all those instances of what I thought was good luck, but it was charity born out of guilt. Like giving us a helping hand could ever make up for losing you.” I run a hand through my hair, my eyes falling closed. “I wish that was the full extent of the sin I committed, but it wasn’t.”
I laugh to myself despite the pain. “I fell in love. True love. The type that you two had. It was the kind of love I didn’t think existed. The stuff they show in the movies. Except… I fell in love with the one person you’d never approve of. She tells me she didn’t know, and at the time I didn’t believe her, but now? Now that I’ve calmed down and had some time to think? Yeah, she didn’t know. That doesn’t make it any better, but at least I can tell you that much. Neither she nor I ever set out to tarnish the memory of you.”
I run a hand through my hair, unsure of what I even want to say. “I’m here today because I want to ask you for forgiveness. The girl I fell in love with is the daughter of the man that killed you. If not for her father, you’d still be here. Dad, you’d be walking Aria down the aisle. Mom, you’d have had a chance to meet Grayson and tease me about how much more you love him than you love me, because you would. You’d be so happy to have him as a son-in-law, and he’d have been so happy to have a mother like you. It’s because of Amara’s father that you’ll never experience any of that.”
My eyes roam over the marble tombstones and the flowers Aria has planted over the years, my throat closing up. I raise my head up to the sky, taking a moment to gather my thoughts, to control my emotions.
“I don’t regret the time I spent with her,” I whisper. “I love her, and I’ll live off the memories I made with her for the rest of my life… and for that, I’m so incredibly sorry. She and I don’t have a future together, and I’m sorry I fell for her at all. I can’t be with her knowing who her father is. I can’t have her in my life and watch her reconnect with him. I can’t watch him rebuild his life after he took away yours. I’ll never be able to look at her again without seeing you.”
I take a step back and swallow back my tears. I haven’t cried in years, but today my heart feels raw, vulnerable. “Forgive me,” I whisper. “Please forgive me.”
I turn and walk away, my heart clenching painfully. I’ve never felt this defeated before. I’m out of a job and unable to find anything, and on top of that the girl I lost everything over is the one person I’d never want to be with had I known who she was when I met her. Amara and her family cost me everything, twice.
“Boy.” I look up to find a lady standing by a florist cart at the exit. I’ve seen her before… the day Grayson proposed to Aria. “Remember,” she says. “Life is for the living.”
She resumes trimming the ends of her flower stalks, dismissing me. I stare at her for a few seconds, her words resounding through my mind. I think of her all the way home. Life is for the living… maybe so, but that doesn’t mean the dead shouldn’t be honored.
Silence greets me as I walk into the house. I went straight to the cemetery from the airport, in part because I was avoiding coming here. I stayed away for two weeks, searching for jobs remotely from Aria and Gray’s house. I guess I was both hoping and fearing that I’d walk in and Amara would be here.
Of course she isn’t.
I leave my suitcase in the hallway and walk in, my eyes roaming over the empty living room. There isn’t a trace of Amara. The candles she bought are gone, and so are her books, her prototype sketches and her tools. It’s almost like she never lived here at all.
I sigh as I walk to the sofa and sit down. I reach for the remote control, needing a distraction. For just a few moments, I want to lose myself in a life that isn’t my own, a movie that’ll make me feel something other than pure devastation and guilt.
I pause on the town’s news channel, my eyes widening when I recognize Amara. My heart clenches like fucking crazy. But that’s nothing compared to the way it feels when the camera moves to Gregory. He’s holding her hand the way I used to, the way I thought no other man ever would.
“The rumors are true,” he says, a smug grin on his face. “The lovely Amara Astor has agreed to be my wife.”
I rise to my feet, the remote control falling to the floor. Amara smiles, looking perfectly happy. Two weeks. I ended things with her two weeks ago, and in that time she fucking got engaged to Gregory?
I laugh to myself, reminded of what Amara once told me Gregory said to her. He told her that one day, when she’s done playing around with the help, she’d go back to him. I guess he was right.
I glance at one of the photos of my parents in the living room, my heart filled with intense regret. It wasn’t even real to Amara. I guess she always knew she could go back home, that Gregory would want her back. It was just me risking everything.
