I stood on the perfectly manicured lawns of the cemetery, staring at the polished mahogany casket. I held Ash’s hand as she stood quietly to my right while Jim stood stiffly at my left. We listened to Collin eulogize his father before the minister stepped in and finalized the burial service.
I managed to push everything down since losing John on my table and was able to force conversation and smiles that would show everyone around me that I was doing fine with it all. I was grateful Ash was with me, more shocked than anything she took me up on my request to join me for this farewell to the man who’d taken the place of my father after Dad succumbed to a heart attack as well.
I went into this line of work to prevent my standing here with this grieving family, and yet, here I was, staring at the casket of a man who fell to the silent killer anyway.
I pulled my eyes from the casket and slid them over to the beautiful woman standing soberly at my side. I needed the distraction of the one thing in my life that was good. The one person who seemed to bring out this new side of me to which I would forever be grateful for.
Sadly, even having her here wasn’t helping the grief, guilt, and despair I was currently experiencing. Fuck me to hell if I couldn’t just cope with John’s death and move the hell on already.
After the burial, I went through the motions of celebrating John’s life with immediate family and close friends at John and Marilyn’s house. The mansion suddenly felt claustrophobic as people came to thank the doctor who tried to keep John with them. I had to get the fuck out of this place.
Ash and I left when I noticed the drinking had commenced. It was the perfect out, and I didn’t hesitate to take it.
“We’re almost at my place,” Ash said, breaking through my auto-pilot driving and gripping the steering wheel harder than necessary. “Are you sure you’re okay, Jake?”
I forced the smile I’d been using since John passed. “Fine, Ash. Thanks again for coming with me today. I hope it wasn’t too much.”
She reached over and placed her hand over mine on the stick shift. “It wasn’t too much. In fact, it’s got me thinking.”
“Oh, yeah?” I absently answered her.
“Dad and I have been sort of stuck in some bizarre state in the idea that keeping Mom’s urn with us would help to keep her with us.” She softly chuckled. “We need to put her to rest in Santa Clarita. We need to move forward with the acknowledgment that we’ve been blessed to have her and learn from her, and now it’s time to do what she’d requested before she passed.”
“What was her request?” I answered, not necessarily listening, but trying to hang onto something I knew was monumental for the woman I loved.
“She said to live for her.” Ashley choked out the words, causing me to turn my hand from gripping the gearshift and to intertwining our fingers together. “Not to die with her.” Her fingers gripped my hand. “All these years, and I never realized it until today—listening to Collin talk. It’s our duty to live for our lost loved ones. How in the hell could I have imagined my mom being at peace when Dad and I weren’t?”
“You’ve been doing an amazing job accepting that loss.” I smiled over at her. “Both you and your dad are proving to move forward and live your lives to their fullest.”
I pulled my hand from hers as I shifted gears and steered us down the road toward her house.
“Do you want to come in?” she asked.
“I think I’m just going to head home.” I placed my hand around her neck, helping to bring her face close as I leaned over to press my lips to hers. “Not trying to be a dick, but this week has kicked my ass.”
“I get it.” She smiled. “Tomorrow is Saturday, so if you want to do something this weekend, you know where to find me.”
“Fuck,” I said, knowing I’d barely survived the fucking week. “I’ve lost track of time.”
“It’s understandable.” She ran her hands along my cheek. “I’m here for you, Jake. Take all the time you need.”
“Thanks,” I said.
I would have never believed this whole thing would bring me not to see Ash for the next three weeks, but it did. And three weeks later, I found myself going to do the only thing I believed that could wake me from the fucked-up state of mind I was in—surfing.
“Bruh,” the group of surfers I’d spent the morning trading waves with approached. These guys were hardcore surfers, and this was their territory. “If it isn’t the media-famed playboy,” the young man said, paddling over.
“Good to see you too, Flex,” I said, acknowledging this surf group’s leader.
“What brings you out to Trustles today?”
“Waves were more aggressive. I needed to get some fucked-up energy out of my system.”
“Lose one, man?” he asked, these guys knowing more about me than myself when I came out to surf their waters.
I nodded at the man I’d become friends with years ago after he saved mine and Collin’s life when we thought we were badass enough to surf this location on new boards we weren’t familiar with. Truth be told, I never understood why the man didn’t kick both our asses for almost killing ourselves and him and his buddies rescuing us in the process.
“You know me too well,” I answered, straddling the board and watching the best sets of waves line up, but not in the mood to ride into the perfect curl they were creating.
“You only bring that board out when you’ve got shit you need out of your system.” He nodded toward my shortboard. “Though you’ve only ridden through a few good pipes, and I have to question why you’re watching the last of the best waves we’ll get today head to shore.”
I smirked at him. “I have to ask why you suddenly give more of a damn about my state of mind than those waves.”
“Smartass,” he answered. “Who’d you lose, a young one?”
My lips tightened. “Nah, Collin’s dad.”
“Shit,” Flex said. “Collin okay?”
“Collin’s managed through it all pretty well. He’s got a ton of bullshit with the company, though.”
“You know,” Flex started, “when the ocean brings life—”
“Flex,” I interrupted, “I swear I don’t want to sound like an asshole, but I’m not out here to listen to metaphors about the fucking ocean. I just had to get away from the noise.”
“I get it,” he said, straddling his board, now floating in the water next to me. He reached over and chuckle. “Looks like Collin might be taking my place in the words of encouragement department.”
I squinted out and watched the surfer who duck-dived a breaking wave and popped up from the other side reveal himself as my best friend.
“Yeah, I’m sorta fucked now. Probably best to take the next set.”
“Your dumbass isn’t going anywhere,” Collin said as he paddled over to where Flex and I sat on our boards. “What the hell? If this were the morning we were going to surf, I’d think your stupid ass would have invited me. What’s up, Flex?”
“Just sitting here catching a board-tan with your boy.” Flex laughed.
“And we all know how much you love watching sets roll past you.” He pinched his nose clear of the water that splashed up in his face. “‘Sup, fucker?” Collin asked, sitting on his board facing both Flex and me.
“Just trying to get it all out of my system,” I answered, looking at the shoreline filling with people—and fucking media as usual. “Those assholes follow you here?” I nodded toward the crew coming down with tripods, gear, and of course, the mighty camera lenses.
Collin looked back. “Well, you are the doctor who did everything right to try and save one of the world’s greatest billionaires.” He chuckled.
“I seriously can’t believe that shit didn’t backfire in my face.”
“Yeah, Dad’s laughing at your sorry butt from the great beyond.”
“Why?” I smirked. “Because he knew my personal life being blasted all over the place wasn’t enough, so he thought he’d die to make these people travel from around the globe to follow me now?”
“Hey.” Collin laughed. “He was definitely the type of man who would have known how to get you good publicity and not just local—global.”
“That was his style.” I exhaled. “Always about building global platforms.”
“Unfortunately, I have a feeling,” Flex added, “that those mother fuckers might have a new way of twisting shit up for you now that you’re out on the board.”
“Yeah.” Collin chuckled. “And all the hot chicks in the bikinis will serve to kick a can of gas on that fire of bullshit they’ll come up with.”
“What?” I snapped. “I can’t have a fucking sport I enjoy? These assholes think I sit in a basement all day or some shit like that, researching medical science like a mad man?”
“Hell,” Collin said, “I thought that’s where you wound up after I called Ash looking for you.”
“Ash,” I said her name as if I was shocked she was still in my life. “Fuck, I haven’t seen her in weeks.”
“Good thing she’s not giving in to the BS stories about her being the latest victim of the Billionaires’ Club.”
My stare darkened. “What?”
“You knew that shit would be plastered all over the place,” Collin said. “As soon as you and Ash stepped out together, all they’ve done is watch you two and wait for Ash to become absent from their photos.”
I scooped up water and ran it over my legs. “Fuck me, man.”
“Who’s Ash?” Flex asked, studying his guys as they rode the last of the good waves.
“A woman who we all actually believed changed Jakey here from the asshole we all know and love.”
“You son of a bitch,” Flex splashed me with water. “I’m losing money on your stupid ass.”
I smiled at him, the thought of Ash making me relax some, but I was also tense in the fact that I’d been blowing her off with lame-ass texts. God only knew what she thought of me. These stories exposing my life never really had an effect on her, but now I was stupidly living up to the love ’em and lose ’em headlines.
“Losing money?” I shook my head at my Tahitian surfer buddy. “How many of you dipshits have bets going on my life?”
“The whole world at this point, brah,” Flex said while he and Collin laughed in unison. “Well, you two enjoy these ankle-biters. I’m closing up shop for the day.”
“See ya.”
“You’ve got this, Jake. You looked good out there this morning,” Flex said. “I almost thought you knew what you were doing.”
Collin grinned as Flex popped on his board a road a small wave into shore.
He looked over at me. “You need to move past this. You know it’s exactly what Dad wanted.”
I looked down the coastline. “I know I couldn’t save him on that table. I know that. I’ve come to grips with that.”
“Then why are we into this for at least two weeks now?”
I pinched my lips together. “I can’t get it out of my mind. What if I used different words when trying to persuade him? What if there was a better way to talk to him? I should’ve been able to prevent this.”
“And there we have it. Dr. Mitchell is playing God with lives.”
I moved the water through my hands. “Not playing God at all, Coll,” I said. “Just thinking about what I could have done differently in convincing him.”
“You couldn’t have done anything differently,” Collin answered. “Dad was a stubborn ass, and we all knew that. Why carry the burden of his hard-headed personality that put him in the grave?”
“As a doctor of medical science, it’s my job to fix and find answers to each patient I have. I use my experience with patients I’ve saved and lost to move on and learn what I can do differently with future patients,” I said.
“And so you’re going to ride the board until the answers come?”
“I’m out here to get a little fucking peace, and you’re not allowing that.”
“That’s what best friends are for.” Collin smirked. “Let’s get out of here and go grab a beer. It’s fucking five o’clock somewhere.”
“Very original,” I said, conceding.
“Jake.” Collin reached out and snatched my board. “Let it the fuck go. This goes beyond your research bullshit you just fed me. I’m a doctor too; I’ve lost patients too. We both grieve their losses differently, yes. My dad hits close to home for you, yes. But you’ve got to get your ass back in the game.”
“I’ve operated on two hearts this week, both patients successfully recovered and home now. I’m in the game.”
“You’re hiding behind patients,” Collin said. “Listen, I’m your best friend, and I know you better than anyone, even Jim. You’re vacant, man. You’re going to lose Ash, and you know it. But do you even give a shit?”
“Of course, I do.”
“See,” he said, scowling at me. “Your face always had this sappy, giddy, and breezy as fuck look whenever her name was spoken, but now.” He blew out a breath. “Hopefully, she’ll still be around when you come out of this.”
“How do you expect me to switch gears?”
“Stop going over the bullshit of an idea that you could have found the words to save Dad. Knock that shit off. You know better, and you knew him better than that. My dad would kick your ass from the grave if he knew his stubborn bullshit was the reason you’re falling the fuck apart. You’re not saving anyone by using John Brooks as your example of what you should have done differently.”
“You’re right. Well said,” I answered. “Let’s paddle these boards in. I’m in the mood for some fish.”
“Fish tacos are calling my name,” Collin said. “How about we bring Ash out tomorrow and teach her the one thing her man is most enthusiastic about when it comes to sports.”
“Ash loves the ocean. She already threatened to kick my ass if I ruined that love she had if she got seasick on the yacht. There’s no way in hell I’m destroying that while sharks are migrating through the pacific.”
“For fuck’s sake, Jacob,” he said. “You need to pull your shit together. Why don’t we let Ash decide if she’s going to fear marine life killing her and not the fearless chump who went softer than a wet turd on me?”
“You’re such an idiot sometimes,” I answered, bringing my body to lie on the board. “You’re right, I’d much rather see Ash’s expression when I ask her to join me surfing instead of assuming that I was trying to kill her off.”
“That’s a great story for these Billionaires’ Club headlines.” Collin laughed. “The Billionaires’ Club moves to the next level in ditching their so-called lovers—”
I popped on the board after paddling forward with the momentum of a small wave rolling in. The four-foot wave was perfect enough for me to cut back and forth before allowing a final ride into shore.
