DEAR DIARY:
I am refreshed. I feel young and alive again.
And feeling young and alive is almost as good as being young and alive. Ha.
I waited so long, too long, I believe. I did my best to hide my weakness, my tiredness, my grayness, my feeling that every move I made was a struggle.
Maybe some of my new friends saw the change in me, the lack of spirit, my inability to focus, my feeling of being far away, alone in a world of shadows. But I did a good job of hiding my true feelings, as I always do.
If anyone noticed that I had faded a bit, they probably thought I was just depressed. Or had private matters on my mind. No one really wants to go too deep.
Sure, girls enjoy heart-to-heart talks, but no one really wants to go as deep as the heart. No one really wants to know the ugly truth behind your smile.
So I waited until I couldn’t bear it any longer, Diary. And now I feel the life flowing through me. I feel whole again. I’ve regained the energy I need. And the hope and strength. I feel real and normal, as if I really had a heartbeat.
Yes, I am high, high from my meal. But I know that even when I come down, I will be able to smile and talk and be with my new friends and have the energy I need to continue to fool them, to keep my secret.
How do I feel about Winks?
Mainly disappointment. Yes, he was tasty and sweet as nectar. But it didn’t go as I had planned.
I am not an impulsive person, Diary. I like to plan, to map out my thoughts and ideas about my future, about how I must act, since I am not like the others.
My plan was to save Winks, save the big teddy bear, with all his fine, sweet-flowing blood . . . save him for one big, delicious moment of celebration.
A party. That’s what it was going to be, Diary. A Winks party just for me and me alone.
How disappointing to drink only half. And in such a gulping hurry.
Yes, it revived me instantly. Yes, it made my mind soar, my whole body tingle with the current of life. But, how disappointing to have to settle for a single meal when I had hoped and planned for a banquet.
Well, I shouldn’t complain, should I? The cup was half full. Ha.
Yes, there will be tears now. Winks was well-liked. He was a likable guy. Likable and fun-loving and good-natured . . . and sweet. And now the tears will flow. Mine, too.
I have feelings.
It’s just that sometimes my needs outpace them.
But I will cry for Winks, along with his friends, along with his family. I’ll be as sad and shocked and horrified by his murder as much as anyone in the room. And I will bury my secret so deep in the dark that no one will guess . . . no one will suspect that Winks died because of me.
Winks was sacrificed for me. And my hunger.
There are other surprises, Diary. Surprises for me, too. I mean, isn’t it curious how satisfying my hunger always makes me more hungry?
Curious and frustrating.
But, I don’t need to tell you; Winks’s friends are here for when I need to feed again.
