I stepped into the lunch line at school. I wasn’t very hungry. Of course, I’m never very hungry. I didn’t want to eat, but I had a gnawing feeling, a heaviness, a feeling of emptiness that wouldn’t go away.
Winks was gone, and I knew I had to find a way to go on and be as normal as I could be. But I also knew this empty feeling would never leave me. Several times a day, I had to force myself to hold back the tears, and the constant tension, the worry that I’d break down made me tense and tired and edgy.
I wanted to burst out of my own body and just fly free. Escape from myself. I never liked myself that much anyway. My shrimpy body. My babyish, bobbing ringlets of curly hair. My tiny mouse voice. The way I needed people . . .
I always wanted to be someone else.
I longed to be confident and pretty with all-American good looks like Julie. Or as driven and talented as Amber. Or . . . as stunningly beautiful as Morgan. But who could even dream of that?
I saw Amber, Zane, and Liam at a table near the front of the lunchroom. I took a deep breath. I knew I had to sit with them. But could I keep myself in control?
All three of them were talking at once. I wondered if they were talking about Winks. Or had they put the awful murder out of their minds? Were they ready to move on? To pretend it didn’t happen to one of their best friends?
I suddenly realized someone was calling my name. I looked up and uttered a sharp cry of surprise. I stared across the counter at Liam’s mother.
It took me a few seconds to remember that Mrs. Franklin worked as a server in the lunchroom. “Delia, hi.” She wore a long white apron over her dark top and jeans. Her light brown hair, mixed with streaks of gray, poked out from under her mesh cap.
Liam never talked about his mother working in the school. I’m not sure why, but I think he was embarrassed about it.
“Mrs. Franklin—” I started.
She narrowed her eyes at me. “How are you doing, dear? Liam told me the whole story. So frightening.”
I nodded. “Yes.”
“Liam has been in a daze,” she said, leaning over the food table. “I don’t think he really believes what happened. I don’t think any of us do.”
“It . . . it’s horrible,” I managed to choke out.
The other two servers were watching her. Mrs. Franklin suddenly realized she was keeping the line from moving. She shook her head sadly. “Well, pile up your tray, Delia. It’s free for you today. I’m sure Winks’s death hit you harder than most everyone. Chin up, dear.”
I thanked her and put a few dishes on my tray without even looking at them. I knew I wasn’t going to eat. I carried the tray to my friends’ table and sat down next to Amber, across from Liam and Zane.
They greeted me with grim faces. I could see they were studying me, trying to see how I was doing, how I was handling the whole thing.
“Afraid we can’t stop talking about Winks,” Amber said, pushing her glasses up on her nose. Her hair appeared stringier than usual. She obviously hadn’t shampooed it for a while.
“It’s hard to think about anything else,” I said quietly. I pushed a fork through the macaroni on my plate. “This morning in government class, I didn’t hear a word Maloney said.”
“I never do,” Zane joked.
Liam jammed the last half of a hot dog into his mouth. He chewed noisily. Then he poked Zane in the side. “Aren’t you supposed to do another comedy thing at Chuckles this week?”
“I canceled it,” Zane said. He finished a small carton of apple juice. “Who can be funny now?”
“You never could!” Liam cracked.
Zane lifted the juice carton over Liam’s head and turned it upside down. But it was empty.
Amber turned to me. “Did those two cops question you yet?”
I nodded. “Yes. Friday.”
“I talked to them this morning,” Amber said. “But I couldn’t be helpful at all. I mean, I don’t know anything. I don’t have a clue. But they kept asking these questions. Like, did they expect me to tell them who the killer was?”
“I didn’t have anything to say, either,” Liam said, reaching for another hot dog on his plate. “Winks was my best buddy. I told them about our Ultimate Frisbee games and everything. They wanted to know if Winks had an enemy on our team. How stupid is that?”
“The cops didn’t seem stupid,” I said. “Just clueless.”
Amber put a hand on my shoulder. “Were they at least nice to you?” she asked. “Since you and Winks were so close—”
I let out a sigh. “I was in such a daze. I think I was still in total shock. I didn’t notice if they were nice or not.”
Liam pointed to my tray. “You’re not eating your lunch?”
“I’m not very hungry,” I said.
“Can I have your pretzel?”
Zane gave him a shove. They both grabbed for the pretzel at once. It broke in two, and they each got half.
Amber tangled and untangled a string of her hair. She was always a very tense person, but now she seemed strung as tightly as a wire. “Here’s what I don’t understand,” she said, lowering her voice to just above a whisper.
I leaned closer to hear. Liam stopped chewing the pretzel.
“Why was Morgan so hysterical over Winks?” she said. “I mean, I heard she just went crazy, screaming and crying. And how long did she know him? A couple of weeks?”
“You’re right. She barely knew him,” Zane agreed.
“I think Morgan is just very emotional,” Liam said. “She’s a very emotional person.”
“How do you know?” Amber snapped.
He shrugged. “I don’t.” Then a devilish smile spread over his face. “But I’d like to.”
Amber tossed up her hands. “Even now? Your friend is dead. Can you maybe let it go for just a second?”
I took a breath. “Do you think that Morgan and Winks had a thing? Do you think that’s why Morgan went so crazy when he was killed?”
“Of course not,” Amber answered quickly. She wrapped her fingers around my wrist. “Winks was crazy about you, Delia. He and Morgan never went out or anything. Winks wouldn’t do that.”
I studied her. Was she telling the truth? Or was she just trying to make me feel better?
I didn’t have long to think about it. Shouting voices at the lunch line made me turn to see what the commotion was. The room suddenly grew quiet.
I saw Morgan bang her tray with a fist. She was shouting at someone behind the counter. Mrs. Franklin, Liam’s mom.
Mrs. Franklin leaned over the counter and shouted back at Morgan. Her face was red. She tore off her mesh cap and slammed it against the counter.
Liam and I exchanged glances. What on earth?
Liam started to get up. I guess, to go help his mother.
But Morgan swung around and, carrying her tray in front of her, strode angrily toward us. She dropped her tray to the table, pulled out a chair next to Zane, and plopped down.
Her green eyes flashed angrily. She blew a strand of red hair from in front of her mouth. “Well . . . that was pleasant,” she said.
“What happened?” I asked.
“That woman happened,” Morgan muttered.
“Did you know she’s my mom?” Liam asked.
Morgan crinkled her face at him. “Don’t be funny.”
“No. Really,” he protested. “She’s my mom. What did she say to you?”
Morgan stared hard at him, trying to decide if he was joking. “Well . . . your mom said I had too much junk food on my tray. And she told me to put some of it back.”
Liam snickered. “That sounds like my mom.”
“And what did you say?” I asked.
“I said, if you don’t want people to eat so much junk food, why do you put it on the counter?”
“She probably didn’t like that,” Liam said, grinning.
Morgan rolled her eyes. “Then we both started screaming at each other. It got crazy.”
“We heard,” Amber said.
“I think I told her where she could put her junk food,” Morgan said. She let out a cry. “It was stupid. I . . . I’m just not myself.” She lowered her head. Her hair fell over her face.
“Mrs. Franklin is actually very nice,” I said.
“She made one mistake in her life,” Zane said. “She had Liam.”
We all laughed. It broke the tension. Morgan raised her head and laughed, too.
She tore open a bag of potato chips and raised a handful to her mouth. “Delia, are you okay?” she asked. “How are you doing?”
I shrugged. “Hard to say. I . . . keep wanting to cry. Sometimes I just want to scream.”
“It’s like a nightmare,” Morgan said. “I keep trying to wake up and come out of it. Those cops questioned me for an hour yesterday afternoon.”
“What did you say?” Amber asked.
Morgan swallowed the last chip and crinkled up the bag. “What could I say?” she replied. “I told them the truth. I killed Winks and drank his blood.”
