“’cause in a sky full of stars / I think I saw you”—A Sky Full of Stars by Coldplay
“I heard they’ve been friends from a young age. That’s probably the only reason someone like him would ever date someone like Sofia.”
I roll my eyes at the voice of one of the gossip girls in the village. Lena has always been a diva. She thinks she’s oh-so amazing, has an opinion on everything, and is convinced she knows best. Always. She also never liked me, so I’m not surprised to hear her gossip about me.
But, hey, at least she’s speaking in a language Aaron does not understand. I’m sure if he heard her say this, he would open his mouth and say some words I would end up regretting for him.
“Icicle.”
I turn my head away from Lena and her assistant, to look at Aaron. You genuinely can’t call Emilie her best friend, at least not when she does everything for Lena. Like, homework, chores, and more.
“Nix.”
“Your father has been calling your name like five times by now. I think he wants to talk to you.”
My father? Wanting to talk to me? Yeah, I don’t think so.
I look around the barn, searching for my father. To my surprise, when my eyes land on him, he is already staring at me, a hint of a smile on his lips.
Has he really been wanting to talk to me?
The smile on his lips disappears as quick as it came, a stern look covering his face. He motions for me to go outside, and when my eyebrows dip in confusion, he makes some sort of gesture that looks either like a lantern flying away, or he wants me to serve people? I’m just going to assume he means the former as this entire get-together is about lanterns.
It’s something a couple of the villagers came up with after one of our neighbor’s daughters has gone missing. They found the remains of her body three months later, or they assume these were hers. The body had skin missing, which—so I would assume—is to be expected when your lifeless body has been thrown into a lake filled with fish and other animals living in water.
Exactly nine years ago today, she went missing. She had just turned twelve that day. Nika and her friends wanted to stay out for a little while longer… but they never returned. Her friends came back two days later, disturbed out of their minds. Neither of them remembered what happened, but they could all say that something really bad did go down.
If it weren’t for my father insisting I came home because we were to catch a flight early the next morning, I would have been a part of this group. I don’t think I’ve ever been more grateful for my father’s stubbornness, as bad as this may sound.
The year after, Nika’s best friend’s family suggested to still throw a little party for Nika, a lantern festival because Nika loved lanterns. It’s now an annual thing. All her friends and family show up here, writing messages to her, or wishes we have, on lanterns before we send them up to the sky. It makes her parents and sisters feel a little better about their loss.
As my father makes his way over to Aaron and me, I grab my fake boyfriend’s hand and drag him out of the barn. He was smart to keep his jacket on, I, unfortunately, took mine off the second we entered the barn, which means I am now slowly freezing to death as it’s approximately twenty-six degrees outside.
“You’re shivering,” Aaron says as he lays his hand on the small of my back, guiding me over to all the other people. They’re spread all around the little field behind the barn, preparing their lanterns for take-off. Some are lit already, held on to so they won’t fly up already.
“It’s a bit cold.” No shit, captain obvious.
Aaron chuckles, his hand retrieving from my body. “Should’ve put on a jacket.” Just as we come to a hold and I’m handed a lantern and a sharpie, I can feel someone—most definitely Aaron—laying some fabric over my shoulders. He walks around me until we’re face to face where he takes the lantern from me. “Put your arms in the sleeves.”
I feel horrible because I do so without hesitation. It’s my fault I forgot to put on a jacket before sprinting outside when I knew it was more than cold outside. I was well aware that it’s snowing, and that the snow on the ground goes up to my calves. There is no excuse as to why I didn’t put on a jacket. And now Aaron would rather freeze to give me his jacket, than shrug off my stupidity.
“Thank you, but—”
“You’re welcome.” Aaron beams a smile at me. His smile is always so warm, genuine. It’s inviting, truly. Just looking at Aaron challenges my mouth to keep quiet, fighting the urge to say the words I wanted to send him when I found his Facebook account a couple of years ago on accident.
And then he smiles… Oh boy, his smile.
It makes my heart squeeze in strange ways. In ways it’s never squeezed before. There’s always a pinch of pain when I remember he’s never going to be mine the way I want him to be. The way he promised he would be. But then again, he promised that when we were eight. Okay, he was eight, I was seven still. For two months, at least. Doesn’t make it any better.
“So, what do we do with this?” he asks, holding the lantern in his hands up to bring it into my vision.
I sigh deeply. We have a little under two weeks to go, and I’m already spacing out, thinking, dreaming about Aaron when he is right in front of me.
“We send a message up to Nika,” I tell him as I pull the cap off the sharpie. Aaron looks a little confused but doesn’t ask.
Right, he doesn’t know what happened.
So I spend the next minute telling him about the horror night, what followed and how it got to this annual lantern “festival”. He doesn’t get a broad story, just a tiny summary to know enough.
“Some send up wishes,” I add at the end. “I always did.” But I don’t tell him that my wishes were only ever about him.
Yes, yes, I admit, that might be a little too over the top, but can you blame me? What good friend doesn’t want their friends to succeed in life? What kind of friend wouldn’t wish for the other to live happily ever after, make all their dreams come true, or be healthy? I never wished for Aaron to come find me or end up with him. All I ever wanted was for Aaron to be happy. So that’s what I wished for. Every single year.
Aaron nods once, kind of like he’s telling me he understood, but still has no idea what he’s supposed to do now. He also doesn’t ask what kind of wishes I sent up, and I genuinely appreciate that.
I wouldn’t know what to tell him, and it sure as hell wouldn’t be the truth. Plus, I’m a strong believer in that one sentence my father used to say a lot when I was younger. “If you say it out loud, it’s never going to happen.”
Now, I do think it’s sort of the opposite of the truth since the law of attraction seems pretty legit. But I don’t think he ever meant to say to never speak of your dreams. Only progress that’s done to reach your goal as people are rude. They’re cruel and a lot of people around you aren’t always as they appear. Sure, they seem nice, but do they truly want you to succeed in life? Do better than them?
Of how many people in your life can you, with one hundred percent certainty, say that if you ever came out big, made it in the world and made a name for yourself, they wouldn’t get jealous? How many of those people in your life do you trust to not try and fuck it up? Throw dirt your way? How many of those in your life do you know genuinely want you to achieve your dreams, even if they seem silly and unreachable?
Not many.
So for as long as you keep your dreams to yourself, work behind closed doors and not have a single person know your plans, there is no one to try and get in your way.
It’s why we don’t kiss and tell on our birthday, right? Blow out a candle while wishing for something, you don’t turn around and tell everyone your wish. It’s for you to know. For you to hold on to. For you to achieve.
“Okay, so what are we going to wish for?” he asks, making it obvious that we have to share a lantern. It’s what all the couples do to reduce waste and make it less harmful for the environment. I mean, we probably shouldn’t be lighting even just one lantern, but reducing the amount is better than having double of it. And this tradition does happen to be very important to all of us…
I shrug because I have no idea. “You write something down on one side, and I’ll do the same on the other side,” I suggest. “But no peeking, alright?”
Aaron smirks, then presses his lips into a rather thin line. “No peeking.”
He goes first, taking a whole two minutes to write on his side of the unlit lantern before handing it over to me.
I stare at the blank side, not knowing what to wish for. I mean, I know what to wish for, I’m just unsure of actually writing it down. If I write down yet another wish for Aaron, and he sees it, things between us could get awkward. So I have to make it less obvious… write way smaller than usual and put as many words as possible to reduce the risk of Aaron reading this.
Hi there, universe, me again. I’m not quite sure what’s standing on the other side of this lantern, but whatever it is, I need you to make it come true. This is the first and last time the guy who’s written on there will be here. He only gets one shot at this, wishing for things on a lantern in Germany, I mean. Or maybe not. Who even knows? But he won’t be here with me next year to make another wish. And, you see, he’s one of the most important people in my life, despite me knowing he won’t be there for forever. I’ve wished a lot of good things for him the past couple of years, so now I’m asking you to please make his wish come true.
Should be good enough, right? Or is it too obvious?
Honestly, I’m not even sure why I care so much about Aaron potentially reading this. So then he finds out I want what’s best for him. Big deal. It doesn’t automatically mean that I want to be in a committed relationship with him. Though I do want to be in a relationship with him, but he doesn’t know that. And from a simple “I hope he does well”, I highly doubt he would ever be able to tell.
“That’s a very long wish,” Aaron teases after a while. “You’ve been writing for like an eternity.”
“I haven’t.” Two minutes, max.
As soon as our wishes are written down, my father suddenly approaches us. He’s looking all kinds of loving toward my fake boyfriend, but completely ignores my existence. As he would most of the time so we wouldn’t start yelling at one another.
He hands my jacket to Aaron like he truly doesn’t see me around. I’m not going to lie, it kind of stings. Yes, I barely ever talk to my own father, only if necessary… but he doesn’t have to act like I don’t exist, does he?
“Don’t catch a cold, son,” he says, nodding at Aaron. Finally, my father looks at me, but the tension between us as our eyes lock seems to thicken with every second he stands there. The corner of his mouths twitch like he’s wanting to speak but simply doesn’t know what to say to me.
Until he does seem to find a couple of words. “Don’t get too drunk tonight, Sofia.”
“And what if I do?” Because I tend to get drunk every single year on this day. It’s easier than to deal with an internal war.
I could have been one of those girls. Fuck, I could have been in Nika’s place. The other girls were injured and disturbed, and yet they have absolutely no recollection of their memories from the days they’ve been gone. I’d rather not think about what could have happened to me if I stayed with them, and I can’t help but feel guilty for getting out of it all unharmed.
It was one tiny decision I’ve made. Listening to what my father said, despite being majorly pissed at him for not letting me stay out with my friends. If I had disobeyed…
“Do you always have to do the exact opposite of what I say?”
“I do,” I answer. “Do you always have to try and tell me what to do?”
He shakes his head disbelievingly, letting out a soft, painfilled sigh. “I really tried with you, Sofia. I’m sorry I messed up with you so badly.”
And just as fast as my father has made his way over to Aaron and me, he leaves again.
I want to scream. An anger-filled scream. Something loud and powerful enough to erase all the madness from my heart.
Why can’t I be nice to my own father? Just for once.
“You need help?” Aaron asks as he hands me my jacket. To be honest, I expected him to ask about the way I spoke to my father, but he doesn’t. The Aaron I knew would have jumped at the next best opportunity to find out, but this one simply ignores it. For now.
“Please.” If it weren’t for the huge lantern in my hands, I could take off Aaron’s jacket and slip mine on all by myself. Well, I suppose I could also just hand the lantern to Aaron for a minute, but where would be the fun in that?
Slowly, Aaron removes one sleeve after the other. The freezing air hits me instantly, making goosebumps appear on my skin. I don’t dislike the cold, which should be quite obvious given that I normally spend six days of the week in an ice rink, skating, and I happen to think I have quite the tolerance for what I find is cold and what isn’t. Although I get the chills whenever I enter the rink, I still don’t like the feeling of it. Don’t think I ever will.
Once the jacket’s off, I’m quick to slip into my own—of course, with Aaron’s help. And just when he successfully put his own jacket back on, we’re being told to light the lanterns and prep them for takeoff.
God, this sounds like we’re about to catch a ride on a plane… or launching a rocket or something. We’re merely sending lanterns up into the sky.
Letting them go is one of the most beautiful and magical sights anyone will ever see. So as soon as the first lanterns float up, my eyes are solely focused on the sky.
I love watching them fly away. I love the brightness of them, and how they get smaller with every meter they leave behind. The way they look like very bright, yellow shining stars when they’re so far away, that they don’t even look like lanterns anymore.
And the atmosphere… oh, boy. It’s so cozy, even with the freezing temperature.
There must be at least half a hundred of lanterns on the night sky right now, and it honestly makes me as happy as Rapunzel looked in Tangled when she first saw them from her window.
I wish I could watch them all night long. Watching lanterns brings some strange peace to me, and I honestly can’t even tell you why. Maybe it’s the fact that mine has a wish written on it—or more like two wishes—or maybe it’s because they’re simply magical. But they make me happy.
Watching these lanterns become the night sky’s accessories for a short while teleports me into a whole other dimension. I feel like I’m part of the books I love to read and write. Like I’m at that very point in the book where everything’s good again. The point in a book when the main characters find together and get their happily ever after.
Or I’m in a movie. Just before the end credits roll, where the hero and heroine just got their long-awaited happy ending. They’re sitting on the grass, cuddled up together while they’re just enjoying each other’s company. That’s what watching those lanterns feels like. Happiness. A happily ever after.
Well, but once the people around me come back into the picture, I feel like this is just the beginning of a never-ending story.
“Let’s go back inside,” Aaron whispers into my ear right before he presses his lips to my cheek. And suddenly, another wave of happiness overcomes me. This time not from fire-y floating lanterns, but from the guy I have always had a crush on.
Damn him for making my head spin, and my heart crave him.
Oh, why did he have to promise me things we both knew he couldn’t keep?
“Yeah,” I agree. “I want to get wasted.”
