“it’s like a knife that cuts right through my soul”—Only Love Can Hurt Like This – Slowed Down Version by Paloma Faith
It’s two hours later when I finally get home.
Sofia still hasn’t reached out. Grey has brought me to the dorms first to check if she might be asleep, but she wasn’t there. Neither were her belongings.
Winter told me Sofia moved out and back to wherever she came from, which could only mean her aunt, but when I got there and asked Nicole if Sofia was there, I’ve been told she hasn’t seen Sofia ever since she moved to the dorms.
I must have sent her millions of texts, none of which went through to her. If I haven’t already been freaking out, I sure as hell would be now.
Though, when Grey parks the car in front of my house—he usually does and walks over to his house through the backyard we share—and I get out, I almost choke on my breath when I find Sofia sitting on the steps to the house. She’s got her suitcases next to her, looking almost identical to when I first saw her in the grocery store the day she arrived.
“What the fuck, Sofia!” I shouldn’t yell, but it just comes right out of me anyway. “Do you know what kind of fucking heart attack you gave m—” My words die out when I notice she’s crying.
In less than a heartbeat, I drop my bag and I’m kneeled in front of her, holding her face in my hands as I wipe away the tears. The thought of her having gone missing for hours disappearing like it was never there.
“What happened?”
Grey walks past us, not saying a word but even if he did, I’m not sure I would have paid any attention to it. What’s important is finding out why my girlfriend is sitting on the steps to my house with her suitcases, crying.
The front door closes after Grey walks into the house, giving us some privacy.
“I went to see my grandma,” she says, her voice almost a whisper.
I guess that would be a step forward… if it weren’t for Sofia’s suitcases. Yes, I admit, these stupid silver suitcases give me major anxiety.
“Okay?”
Her breath comes out weakly as she exhales. “I have to talk to my dad, Aaron.”
“In person?”
She nods, breaking out in sobs. I fall to my knees, not caring whether the stone would rip my pants or not when I pull Sofia in for a tight hug.
This is goodbye, isn’t it? She’s here to tell me she has to leave, and she won’t return.
“Listen…” She tries to break apart from the hug, but I’m not letting her. If this is the last time, I’ll ever get to hold her, then I won’t let her go before it is truly necessary. “Aaron, I love you.”
My arms tighten at her words, my heart aching regardless of me having thought it would be overfilled with joy when I got to hear her say them for the first time.
Remember when Sofia asked me not to say it to her for the first time on her birthday because it would ruin the day for her after we break up? I now realize, it doesn’t matter what day they’re said on. Hearing her say this is the best and worst moment in my life, and the day has nothing to do with it.
I will always remember this day as the one she loved me enough to admit to it, and I loved her back, yet it still wasn’t enough to keep her.
“I promised you I would try, and this is me trying. I went to see my grandma, talked to her, fought for us,” she says. “There are a few other things I have to sort out before I can give myself to you. I think there might have been a huge misunderstanding between me and my father, and I couldn’t live with myself if I didn’t fix this before it’s too late to do so.”
I let her go, sit down on the concrete, and just look at her through the dark as hot tears roll down my cheeks. It takes a lot for me to cry, apparently saying goodbye to Sofia is one of the rare things that get the better of me.
She gets up just as a car stops behind me. Sofia grabs her suitcases, making her way past me. Only that she doesn’t get very far because I grasp her wrist in my hand, holding her back.
Her eyes are red from crying, and I hate the sight more than losing a game.
“I need you to promise me something, Sofia.” Usually I am the one to make promises, but this time I really do need her to give me her word. “I need you to promise me that you won’t move on.”
She looks away from me, avoiding my eyes but her hand stays in mine. Maybe she doesn’t notice it, but I sure do when Sofia interlocks our fingers and squeezes my hand.
“Promise me you won’t try to forget me and try to find someone else to fill in my space.” If she means what she said, that she loves me, this shouldn’t be that big of a deal, right?
“Aaron…” When she looks at me again, it’s almost like looking at a whole different Sofia. This one is sad and broken, unlike the one I know. Or maybe this is the real her, the one that has been fighting demons for too long and is finally starting to breathe fresh air again.
Either way, I don’t need Sofia to be fixed, I don’t need her healed and unbroken. I only want her. With the broken parts and everything.
I get up from the floor, still holding her hand in mine. My eyes find to her hand, my thumb stroking over her cold knuckles.
“Please,” I beg, looking up to meet her gaze, “I wouldn’t be able to take it. When I come look for you in eight weeks and find out you’re in a relationship with someone that isn’t me, I don’t think my heart could survive that. It will crush me, Sofia. Because in my story, you were never meant to be with anyone but me. I cannot allow some fucked up plot twist and even more misery to happen to us. We both need a happy ending, and we deserve it. So please, I am begging you, don’t rewrite what we have with someone else.”
Sofia takes a step closer to me, bringing her other hand to my face as she gets up on her tiptoes to plant the softest of kiss right to the corner of my mouth. “I never said this was a goodbye, Aaron. But now, I will be expecting you to come find me and give me all the reasons why I should move back here for you.”
