“all that time just thrown away”—love, death and distraction by EDEN
“Sofia!”
I can’t help but roll my eyes at her voice. I truly believe my sister has the most annoying voice in the entire universe.
“Did you take your last exam yet?”
“Just this morning.” Not that she cares. Julia is counting down the days until I graduate so I can move out. Though, she is twenty-eight years old, still living at home and wanting to get rid of me? If she’s so sick of me, how about she moves out?
“So, when will you know if you passed?” She leans against my doorframe, crossing her arms over her chest.
“I don’t know, Julia. In a few days? Weeks?” I was supposed to leave the U.S. by the end of February, well, I left early. I only needed six weeks in an English-speaking country anyway, so it wasn’t that big of a problem.
Anyway, me leaving early lead to me also taking my final exam earlier than planned. Again, it doesn’t really matter. Germany doesn’t have much of a graduation party. Once you passed, you passed. That’s it. No party, no fancy ceremony.
So I could have waited another month or two to take my exam, but why should I? I was ready to take it, plus I wanted to clear my head a little.
For the past four weeks, I’ve been distracting myself with studying and now that I no longer have something to distract myself with, I think I’m ready to face my father.
I wanted to do so the second I was back here, but I needed a break. Finding out I was hating on myself for murdering my grandpa when it was never my fault in the first place was more than a big pill to swallow. It’s why I needed to leave Aaron for a while as well.
I knew if I stayed for the month still, I would have been nothing but a burden as my emotions were all over the place. I simply couldn’t do that to him, especially not with scouts still coming to his hockey games and him having to study for his finals etcetera. He needed as much of a break from me as I did from him for the time being.
It broke my heart having to leave him, and I admit, I did spend the first week back here in my bedroom, crying my entire heart and soul out, but like I told him, this wasn’t a goodbye.
But now that I am done with figuring out what to say to my father and being done with university, it’s about time I get this shit over with.
“Mom said you’re thinking about moving into the city. Is the tiny village you chose not enough for you anymore?” Julia asks, pouting at me mockingly.
“What the hell is your problem, Julia?” I don’t remember one day of her ever having been nice to me. Not one.
“You are my problem,” she says, laughing ironically. “Ever since you were born it’s always about you. You didn’t want to be back in the U.S., so we moved here for you. Did you ever consider that maybe Lukas and I wanted to be with our family and friends, and yet when you said the word, our parents jumped and did. And you don’t even appreciate the sacrifices we made for you.”
“You’ve hated me long before that.”
“I never hated you. Not until you turned out to be… this.” She gestures toward me. “You’ve had the best life imaginable, one neither Lukas nor I got. You got to have hobbies from the mere age of two, an expensive one as well. When I was six and wanted to have a stupid ice cream, I’ve been told we don’t have the money for it. Now, imagine my surprise when two years later, you were born and another two later you got to take skating lessons.”
How is this my fault though? I didn’t know my parents were struggling with money before I was born.
“Don’t get me wrong, Sofia, I’m glad you didn’t have to grow up being told no to things you wanted because we had no money. The older I got, the more I understood why I’ve been told no, and you weren’t. Though, at ten years old, I sure as hell didn’t understand a thing about it. Then we moved for only a couple of years, and even here it was always about you. What we could do to make you feel better because you did nothing but cry over Lily and Aaron. Even when you ended up wanting to move here for good, you still cried about them when you knew damn well you could have reached out to them.”
I couldn’t reach out to them because I had no idea if I would ever see them again. Getting in touch with them only to potentially having to say goodbye one more time wasn’t worth it. Especially not the pain.
“And then you went and fucked my boyfriend? What was that for? Revenge for being stupid and wanting to stay in Germany?” The words just so happen to spurt out of me without my brain ever consenting to it.
Julia shakes her head. “He was cheating on you, Sofia. You really think I would have been stupid enough to fuck your boyfriend and get caught doing it? I wanted you to see it, because if I had told you I saw Leon with some other girl you wouldn’t have believed me, am I right?”
She’s got me there. I really wouldn’t have. “Then why are you still with him?”
“To keep him away from you. You would have been naïve enough to take him back if that little love for me in your heart wasn’t holding you back,” she says. “I knew if you kept on thinking I loved him you wouldn’t get back with him even if he begged for your forgiveness. You may be a little stupid at times, but you would never intentionally hurt someone, no matter how much hatred you might have for them.”
Her arms fall to her sides as she sighs. “God, do you know how often I yelled at him for treating you the way he did? The proposal on your birthday? I was glad Aaron and his friend ruined it. I was just waiting to break up with Leon, but I couldn’t do that before I knew you wouldn’t take him back because you would empathize with his lying ass.”
“Do you mean that?” I get up from my bed. She nods.
“Sofia, I hated the thought of hurting you. You’re my sister, I was just trying to protect you.”
I walk over to her, the tears in my eyes no longer only threatening to swell over, but actually doing so. For the first time ever, I wrap my arms around her body for a hug. She closes me in, holding me tight.
Feeling Julia press a kiss to my head is strange, but for once, I don’t exactly hate it. To be fair, she’s never done it before either, but still.
“I didn’t get to say this before, but Sofia, I’m happy for you,” she says quietly. “Even when you were younger, everyone knew you’d eventually be with Aaron. You guys were disgustingly close, and as it seems, you still are.”
My hands clench around the material of her shirt as she mentions his name. It still hurts to think about him, though I know we’re not broken up. I hope he knows that, too.
“You should text him back though. He retrieved to sending me messages and asking how you are. And I think we both know he doesn’t like me very much,” she adds, making me laugh through tears.
We pull apart and I wipe my nose with the back of my sweatshirt, needing that stupid drop of tears to be gone. “I owe you an apology…”
Julia shakes her head with a smile. “Nah, I kind of fucked your boyfriend. We’re good.” We both laugh. Never in my life have I thought I’d be laughing at something my sister has said, yet here I am. “Speaking of him, I have someone to break up with. Finally.”
