You know when you’re happy but feel like everything will eventually turn into an epic clusterfuck?
Yeah, that’s me right now.
Because it’s been so peaceful these last couple of days, so happy, so wholesome. Dad even moved his hand in mine when I went to visit him the day after my talk with Nate. He squeezed it, just the slightest bit, and I nearly fainted from happiness.
The doctor didn’t give me much hope and said it was most likely a subconscious motor reaction and doesn’t mean anything, but I don’t believe that. I’m sure Dad wants to wake up. Besides, he was welcoming me back because it’s been some time since I last visited him.
I apologized for wanting to bury him while he’s still alive. I told him that I didn’t mean to and that I just didn’t want him to abandon me like my mom did, and at that exact moment, he squeezed my hand.
So yeah, the doctor is wrong, because Dad was listening and responded to me, so I know he’s there, that he didn’t leave me.
That he’s not my mother.
My spirits shot up after that and I’ve continued to visit him almost every chance I get, telling him about my day and then working on the assignments Nate gives me.
God, he’s such a strict jerk.
A gorgeous one, but a jerk nonetheless. He has no chill whatsoever when it comes to work—even though he doesn’t mind ordering me around on his desk or on his sofa to eat my pussy as he says. It stopped being mine the moment he called it his.
But other than that, he doesn’t take it easy on me. Hell, he can be difficult on purpose, because he’s an asshole like that.
I know Nate’s character enough to not have any misconceptions about getting preferential treatment, but the least he can do is treat me like the other partners do their interns. I don’t see any of them being given a hard time like I am.
It’s a bit different when we’re home alone. He comes to watch me bake now and doesn’t mind the loud music, I don’t think. And I’ve been on a mission to find him a hobby, so over the last week we played card games, board games, and all the games I could think of. I lost every time, and Nate was like, “Next.” So we watched a selection of movies and did outdoorsy activities, such as picnics and camping in the garden. I don’t think he cared for any of them, but he indulged me. All while telling me to give up already.
I won’t.
It’s not okay that he enjoys nothing. So I’ll find him something as a token of my gratitude for all the happiness he’s bringing me these days.
And orgasms.
Dirty, dirty orgasms.
Now, if the feeling that something is wrong would leave, I’d be more at ease thinking about everything that’s right. But it keeps getting worse with each passing hour. Maybe it’s because I haven’t seen Nate today.
Last night I fell asleep on his lap while we were watching a horror movie. As I told Nate, I’ve never been the type to run away from what terrifies me.
I still sometimes hide in my closet with my notebook, but I haven’t done that a lot lately.
Something else I haven’t had much trouble with as of late is insomnia, because I slept like a baby after I used his thigh as a pillow.
I woke up in my bed alone, and no, I wasn’t disappointed. Okay, maybe a tiny bit.
Anyway, when I went downstairs, he was already gone. Martha said he went to work early this morning and when I found that he’d left me a Post-it Note that said “Eat your breakfast,” I hid it in my pocket as I did just that. Not that I’m collecting his notes. Fine, I totally am.
And then when I got to W&S, he wasn’t here either. Grace said he had off-site meetings today.
So maybe that’s what the bad feeling is all about. The fact that I haven’t seen him at all today. It’s crazy to think I survived with catching glimpses of him in the past, but not seeing him for a whole day is messing up my equilibrium.
“Earth to Gwen,” a male voice calls.
I snap out of my daze and focus on Chris and Jane. We’re having lunch together in the IT department because we’re the cool kids and don’t care about the crowd in the cafeteria. And because Jane doesn’t like it when there are too many people. It makes her super fidgety and awkward, so Chris and I aren’t going to leave her alone.
“Finally back to the world of the living?” he asks.
“I’ve been here all along,” I lie through my teeth.
“No, you haven’t.”
“Yeah, you haven’t been.” Jane takes a bite of her sandwich.
“Hey! Whose side are you on, Jane?”
“No one’s?”
I bump her shoulder with mine. “I found you first, you know. Chris is extracurricular.”
“Who are you calling extracurricular?” He steals my fries and throws them in his mouth before I can stop him.
“You!”
“Lies. You love me, Gwen.”
“Maybe I’d just love to hit you right now.”
“Uh…should I go?” Jane says with a straight face. “Let you guys get a room or something?”
“We’re not like that,” I say.
“Yeah, we’re not.” Chris taps his chest. “She broke my poor little heart, so I’ve been trying to fill it with stuff.”
“Stuff like clubbing?” I ask.
“You don’t have the right to judge, babe.”
“Wait, you guys were a thing?” Jane stares between us.
“A tiny little thing that Gwen murdered mercilessly. Don’t be fooled by the innocent look. She breaks hearts.” He feigns a sad expression and waggles his brows at me. The dork.
“Yeah, I realized Chris is too good for me. But hey, I can matchmake you guys.”
“What the fuck? I’m wounded, Gwen. You think I’d need your help to hit it off with Jane?
“Maybe you need encouragement or something.”
“Thanks, guys, but…my tastes are different.”
We both turn toward her at the same time and she just drinks from her water nonchalantly.
“Do you veer in the other direction?” I ask, then blurt, “Sorry, I shouldn’t have asked that. You don’t need to answer.”
“I’m not a lesbian. I just…like older men, I guess.”
“Oh,” both Chris and I exclaim at the same time.
Jane is actually my age, not mid-twenties like I thought. But she’s a genius—graduated college early and started working here not long before I came along.
But all those details fade into the background. Only one is important and sticks with me; the fact that she likes older men. I knew I found her interesting for a reason.
“I’m slightly wounded,” Chris breathes out. “Now I need to get older fast to get on your radar, ladies.”
“What do I have to do with it?” I whisper, taking a large bite of my burger.
“Come on, you have the hots for Nathaniel.”
I choke on my mouthful and Jane pushes the bottle of water into my hand. I nearly guzzle it all down, but it doesn’t remove the burn in my throat. I stare at Chris as if he’s grown two heads. “Why the hell do you think that?”
“You look at him as if he’s your custom-made god that you can’t survive without worshipping at his altar.”
“I…I do not.”
“You kind of do,” Jane confirms.
“You guys knew this all along?” I hang my head. “I can’t believe I’m that obvious. I wonder how many others found out.”
“They’re not as attuned to you as we are, so they probably have no clue,” Chris says.
“But I think Nathaniel is getting obvious,” Jane says.
“Yeah, he keeps calling her any chance he gets.” Chris steals more of my fries and I don’t even have the will to stop him. “He has better control of himself, though. So I’d say she’s the one giving it all away.”
“And not so subtly either. She’s all depressed because he’s not around this morning.”
“Right?”
“Hey! Can you stop talking about me as if I’m not here?”
“Only if you tell us when it started.” Chris narrows his eyes. “It was before you broke up with me, wasn’t it?”
“I don’t know.”
“You don’t know?” Chris asks while Jane retrieves another bottle of water and drinks from it with a straw. She can act like a real princess sometimes.
“I don’t. It just happened. I’m not sure if it was all in one go or gradually, but it just did, and I actually realized it when I was fifteen. I also realized it was impossible to fight it. I tried at first. I really, really tried. He’s Dad’s best friend and partner and the same age as him, so it should be wrong. It felt wrong, and that’s why I did my best to forget about him. But I wasn’t able to.” And it kind of hurts sometimes. Like right now, when he isn’t around and I can’t call or text, because he’s in a meeting and I’m not supposed to be disturbing him.
“How about him?” Chris asks. “Does he share your feelings?”
“He…he’s just taking care of me until I’m twenty-one.”
Chris steals more of my fries. “So it’s unrequited?”
“I guess.” The crush and the stupid feelings are, anyway. The physical isn’t, because I can tell he wants me as much as I want him.
“That’s dependency,” Jane announces out of nowhere. “You like him, but he has some sort of guardianship over you. It’s not healthy.”
“That’s not true.”
“It is, in a way,” Chris chimes in. “I mean, it would’ve also been creepy if he was banging his best friend’s daughter.”
“Why are you calling it creepy?” I nearly shout. “I thought you weren’t judgy, Chris.”
“I’m not. I’m just thinking about it from your dad’s perspective. Do you think he’d be full of smiles if he found out that his best friend took advantage of his daughter when he should’ve been taking care of her? He’s the older one. He should know better.”
“He didn’t take advantage of me. I chose this. I’m twenty and I can make my own decisions.”
“Hey, calm down.” Chris softens his voice. “I was just saying it from a different perspective. Sit down.”
It’s then I notice that I’m standing up, crushing the burger between my stiff fingers. And I hate this, I hate that I got worked up so fast and nearly lost my shit. If it was Nate, he wouldn’t have acted this way. Because he’s older and wiser, and maybe Chris is right. Maybe I just don’t know better.
I flop back on the chair, my eyes stinging and my heart sinking in my chest. If the people who are supposed to be by my side are secretly judging me, how would others feel about it? Nate was right to keep the marriage a secret.
Once again, he predicted the future while I’m always stuck in the present. He must’ve known that if news of our marriage went public, people would be judgmental and then I’d overreact and mess everything up.
“It’s different if he likes you,” Jane says softly. “That means it’s mutual and you’re not chasing after the dependency.”
He likes me.
I think he does.
Right?
I mean, why would he say all those things about my dad and bring me back from the edge if he didn’t?
Except he might simply be playing his role of guardian.
But a guardian wouldn’t touch me like that. He wouldn’t talk so dirty that I need a cold shower just thinking about it.
Though it could be just that. Sex.
“So this is where you’ve been.”
The three of us stare at the doorway, where Knox is standing, narrowing his eyes on Chris—his intern.
But he’s not the one who stiffens, nearly turning into a statue.
It’s Jane.
The straw is between her lips, but she’s not sucking. She’s staring at Knox, who’s standing there with his shoulders squared. It’s almost an aggressive stance—which is out of the ordinary for someone like him.
Chris gets up and offers his charming smile. “I was just having lunch. I’m finished.”
“Then why are you still standing there?” Knox says in his serious voice that I rarely hear from him. He’s usually outgoing around me, but he sounds like a British villain right now.
My friend must feel it, too, because he quickens his pace and leaves the IT room. Knox doesn’t. He keeps staring. I thought it was at Chris earlier, but it’s at the computer. Or maybe it’s Jane, but why would he stare at her? No one even knows she exists. Nate calls her the IT girl and only because I talk about her. She’s invisible to everyone and likes it that way.
“Aspen is searching for you, Gwen,” he tells me, slowly breaking eye contact with Jane to focus on me.
“Why?”
“No clue. But you should go. She doesn’t like to be kept waiting.”
I stand up, resisting the urge to roll my eyes. Aspen is the last person I want to see. But I’m still an intern and interns don’t go around being stubborn little bitches to senior partners.
Jane grips the sleeve of my shirt hard, so hard that she nearly causes me to fall. I stare down at her and the alarm in her eyes is loud and clear, even through the thick as shit glasses.
“Gwyneth.” It’s Knox and he definitely sounds impatient. I haven’t seen him like this before, but I don’t want to be on his bad side. Like, at all.
“Uh, one moment.” I lean down and whisper, “What’s wrong?”
Jane tightens her hold on my shirt for a fraction of a second before she lets me go and murmurs back, “Nothing.”
I’m still unconvinced, considering the fact that she looked to be on the verge of a meltdown just now. But I also don’t want to risk Knox’s wrath, so I throw the remnants of my burger in the trash and step past him. I expect him to follow, but he doesn’t.
Weird.
I take the elevator up and head to Aspen’s office. I’ve dropped some files off to her before, so this isn’t the first time I’ve been here, but I hate it just the same.
Her assistant tells me to go in, and I knock on the door, waiting for her curt “Come in” before I step inside.
Her office is large, neat, and a bit manly, even if she is the most elegant woman I know. In a way, I understand why people like Jane or even Chris respect her. She’s a very hard worker and made it in a male-dominated world when the odds were against her. I should probably give her the benefit of the doubt, but I just can’t.
Not only has Dad always painted her as a witch, but she also chose Nate to be the only man she’s close to.
It could’ve been any man, so why Nate?
“You called for me?” I ask as soon as I’m inside.
Aspen looks up from the stack of files piled in front of her. “No. I didn’t.”
“Knox said you did… It must’ve been a mistake. Then…”
“Wait.” She stands up and marches in my direction, then towers over me. It’s on purpose, I swear. She likes being taller, prettier, and older than me. She likes having the upper hand in everything.
The witch.
She crosses her arms over her chest and I do the same. What? She doesn’t get to be the only one on the defensive.
“Nate probably didn’t tell you this, but I believe you should know.”
A ball the size of my fist lodges in my throat. Tell me what? That he’s in a relationship with her and will marry her as soon as I’m of age and he divorces me?
Calm down, Gwen, calm down.
“Know what?”
“Kingsley’s accident might not have been an accident.”
So it’s not about her and Nate. Phew. “Wait. What?”
“They found a problem with his car’s brakes. It’s minimal, something that could have been caught during a checkup. But Kingsley hadn’t had his car checked in a while, so the police ruled it as an accident.”
“Yeah, so?”
“So? Do you really think Kingsley wouldn’t know what’s wrong with his car? That man notices everything.”
“Are you saying…?” The ball tightens and blocks my breathing. “Are you saying someone messed with his brakes?”
“I don’t know. Do you?”
“Of course not! But who would want to hurt him?”
“Seriously, now, Shaw? He has more enemies than the fortune he’s amassed. He might have been a doting father to you, but he was a ruthless devil to everyone else.”
“And Nate knows this? He’s aware of the suspicions but never told me?”
“He thinks it’s nothing. We have no proof and that means we can’t ask for a second investigation.”
“Then why are you telling me?”
“So that you’ll watch your back, Shaw’s spawn. You’re too out in the open for your own good. If it’s true and someone tried to kill Kingsley, maybe you’re next.”
“I didn’t know you worried about me.”
“I don’t.” She clears her throat. “I worry about the firm, and Nate, who will be drawn into every mess you make.”
“He’s my husband.”
“On paper.”
I purse my lips. “Maybe it’s not only on paper.”
“What?”
“N-nothing.” Shit, I almost told her our secret. Once again, my temper nearly got the best of me. I swear it’s her face. It’s too beautiful and too put-together and I hate it.
I hate her.
But I keep thinking about her words all day long. Like who would want to hurt my dad?
I decide to investigate on my own. Chris agrees to help me after hours and says he owes me an apology for when he was being judgy.
He drives me to the police station on the back of his Harley, and I demand to have the records of Dad’s accident, but they blow me off.
However, I don’t move from there until a detective from the NYPD who knows my dad lets me into his office and closes the door.
I sit on the faux leather chair and stare at Detective Ford. He’s tall, lean, and has a bald head and black skin. I wouldn’t call him friends with Dad since he goes against him sometimes. Seriously, Nate is Dad’s only friend. Everyone else is just an acquaintance. Oh, and Detective Ford has a strong sense of justice, so that puts us on the same side, because Dad definitely doesn’t have that.
“You’re not supposed to be here, Ms. Shaw.”
“I just want Dad’s records from the day of the accident.”
“Records,” he repeats with a slight narrowing of his eyes.
“Yeah. Who he talked to and everything.”
“Why?”
“Because it’s come to my attention that there might’ve been foul play.”
“What’s your proof?”
“He was off that morning.”
“Off?”
“He wasn’t acting like himself and it felt like he was on the verge of something.”
“Why didn’t you mention that before?”
“I didn’t think it was of importance, but I do now. Please, I just want to know what you have.”
“We have nothing, Ms. Shaw, since we don’t think it was attempted murder. You should go back home, and next time, maybe you should send Nathaniel.”
“This is about my father. I don’t need to send anyone.”
Detective Ford dismisses me anyway since I’ve taken up so much of his time. My shoulders hunch as I leave the office.
“No luck?” Chris asks when I get outside.
“No.”
“Maybe you should ask Nate. He’s your father’s attorney, right? He’ll be able to dig in with the police.”
“He hid it from me. He won’t magically decide to help. I have to see this for myself and find a way…oh, the dashcam! It’s not in evidence anymore and I can ask the company to send the footage over.”
“If it’s not in evidence, it probably means there’s nothing there.”
“I won’t know until I try.”
I feel giddy by the time Chris drops me off back at home. I just need to reach out to the car company that has the wreckage and retrieve the footage. I should probably rein in the hope, but I can’t help it.
Ever since Dad went into a coma, I’ve felt helpless, like I couldn’t do anything, which is part of the reason why I let those dark thoughts about him abandoning me fester inside me.
But now, I can.
Now, I can search for the truth. If there’s someone who messed with Dad, I’ll destroy them.
I wave at Chris as the sound of his Harley fills the neighborhood. They definitely hate him—and probably me for bringing him here.
I run to the stairs so I can get to Dad’s office for the car company’s phone number.
My feet cease to function when an ominous voice fills the air.
“What did I say about riding on that fucking bike, Gwyneth?”
