Nate is gone.
He disappeared the same day my life shattered to pieces after I learned I’ve had a mother all along who didn’t know I existed.
The same day my dad threatened to remove her from my life again.
The same day I cried until there were no tears left, then instead of going home, I went to Nate’s apartment because I needed him. Not anyone else, just him.
He’s the only one who’s able to chase away the chaos and make me feel at peace.
He’s the only one I think of when my world splinters to pieces. It’s not that he mends it together—he’s not my fixer. He’s just the other half who helps me in being me.
In fighting away the emptiness.
But he wasn’t there and his phone was turned off.
So I called Sebastian and he said he had no clue where his uncle was. He still doesn’t. Because Nate left nothing behind and the perpetrator is my father.
I could feel it deep down in my heart that Dad had something to do with it. Not only did he drive Nate away, but he also made him the devil and said he’s no good for me.
“This is what people like Nate do, Angel. Once they get what they want, they leave without a word.”
I didn’t want to believe him. I still don’t most of the time, but it’s been two weeks. Two whole weeks of not sleeping or eating properly, because every time I do, his face comes to mind. Vanilla milkshakes, ice cream, and cupcakes don’t taste the same without him.
They’re flavorless.
Just like my life.
Dad denies sending him away, saying that it was his choice and he can’t make Nate do anything. I agree, he can’t. He wasn’t successful in forcing him to divorce me, so how did he make him leave me?
And now of all times. When I needed him more than anything.
At first, I didn’t believe it, so I searched everywhere. I checked at every W&S branch in case he changed locations, but he’s at none of them. Then I was mad at him for leaving without notice, then I fell into that empty hole that has no way out. I’m in that phase right now.
The sadness. The damning sadness with no end in sight.
Nothing makes sense anymore and I’m waiting for a change that won’t happen. An end that won’t come.
Every day, I come to the firm and stare at his closed office door, and sometimes, I just sneak in there and take a nap on his sofa. The same sofa where he fucked me and whispered dirty words to me.
The same sofa that he told me to sit on and behave so I wouldn’t distract him, but I ended up being a brat anyway.
That’s where I’m lying right now. On his sofa, hugging my knees to my chest and breathing him in, because I don’t have much of his smell left. It’s been disappearing over time and soon enough, it’ll vanish just like he did.
Soon, I’ll go back to that hollowing emptiness with no change in sight.
The door clicks open and I jump to a sitting position, thinking it’s Dad. I could swear he saw me come out of here the other day, but he didn’t comment on it. Maybe that was a one-time thing and he won’t let it slide this time.
I really don’t want to fight with him. We barely talk at home and that’s painful enough as it is.
But it’s not him who walks inside. It’s Aspen.
My mother, Aspen. I still can’t wrap my mind around it, so I don’t. It’ll just go away with time, or that’s what I’d like to believe.
Every time she sees me, she tries to talk to me, but I just bolt or hide because I can’t face her. Because I hated her, was jealous of her for very illogical reasons.
And now that I’ve learned about our biological relations, it’s even harder to come to terms with my previous feelings for her.
Despite knowing her reasons and that she didn’t really abandon me, that she was so young when she had me, I’m unable to beat those facts into my brain.
So I opt to run again, avoid her again. Maybe Dad was right and I can pretend she didn’t happen.
But that’s a lie, isn’t it?
She was always there, at the back of my mind, and during every birthday where I cried because she didn’t want me.
Turns out, that was never the case.
I mourned you. She said. Every year, I mourned you.
She appears flawless in her dark blue pantsuit with her red hair falling to her shoulders. As always. She’s the most elegant, classy woman I’ve ever seen.
“Please don’t go.” She stops a safe distance away, not attempting to take a seat. “I just…want to talk to you.”
“We never talked in the past. You hated me and I hated you.”
“I never hated you. I just…hate your father, and you were an extension of him, in a way, but not anymore. You’re an extension of me, too.”
“No, I’m not. I told you, I don’t want anything to do with you.”
“I know and I understand, but I just want a chance, no matter how small, just one chance to prove that I care, that I always have. A few months ago, I got drunk while visiting the grave that I thought was my daughter’s, but now, I know it isn’t, and I’m so thankful for just being able to watch from afar and making sure you’re well. That’s all I ask for. But if you still can’t give me that, it’s fine. I understand. I just want to tell you I’m sorry.”
The stupid feelings that I can’t stop flood my insides and I start clinking my nails. “For what?”
“For not being there all these years. I’m so sorry.”
“You didn’t know.”
“I still lost you for twenty years. You still felt abandoned and cried on your birthdays like I got drunk on them.”
“You mourned me for twenty years?”
“I did.”
“I think I mourned you, too, even thinking you abandoned me, I still mourned you.”
“I’m sorry. So, so sorry.”
Clearing my throat, I try not to let the tears loose and lift a shoulder. “I had Dad. Though he can be too much sometimes.”
“I’m sorry your father is giving you a hard time about Nate. He’s a jerk.”
I jump to a standing position. “Do you…know where Nate is?”
Dad has been insinuating that Nate and Aspen have always had a thing going on, and I know what he’s doing. He’s trying to make me feel as if Nate would choose her over me because she’d fit him better.
He knew I harbored such thoughts myself and in a typical Kingsley Shaw lawyer move, he played on them to make me give up. And he almost succeeded.
However, Aspen didn’t leave with Nate. She stayed, and I think that’s partly because of me. And anyway, Nate would never hurt me that way, and she wouldn’t either. I felt her words just now. The pain in them is so relatable to mine that I can sense it slashing my chest.
Her shoulders droop a little. “No, I don’t.”
“You do. You always know about things. If you want me to give you a chance, tell me where he is.”
“I would if I knew, but I really don’t. I know one thing for certain, though.”
“What?”
“He would never give up on you. I’ve been with him long enough to know he doesn’t allow himself to get attached. He’s not the type to care about anyone very much, but he does care about you. He looks at you like he never wants to look away.”
“But he did.” I fight the emotions in my voice and fail. “He left.”
“Because of King.”
“Dad said he left of his own volition.”
“Your dad is skewing truths with lies. He does it all the time. Believe me, he’s the one behind all of this, so if you want to find Nate, you need to strike there.”
“He wouldn’t just tell me where he is if I ask.”
“I agree. He won’t. We need to think of a solution.” She appears thoughtful for a while, her eyes bright and the most focused I’ve seen them.
“Why…why are you helping me?”
“Because you’re my daughter,” she says it with ease as if it’s a given.
“Aren’t you supposed to hate me? Everyone thinks you have a thing with Nate. Maybe you did, or still do.”
“Nate and I were never like that. If sex had entered the equation, we would’ve lost each other a long time ago. In case you’re not aware, he stops seeing the women he sleeps with, since they’re a complication he doesn’t want to deal with. That’s how I know you’re different.”
“And you’re okay with that? Us being together, I mean.” I shouldn’t care about her opinion, but I do. Deep inside, I really do.
“Why wouldn’t I be?”
“Because he’s eighteen years older than me and I’m still young.”
“You’re not young, you’re a woman. And women have the right to make their own choices.”
“Dad doesn’t think the same.”
“Your dad is an asshole.”
I wince.
She grimaces and clears her throat. “Sorry. Sometimes, I forget he’s your father.”
“He’s not that bad, you know.”
“Yes, he is.” A sheen covers her eyes and they darken before she blinks it away. “Anyway, do you want to bring Nate home?”
“Of course.”
“In that case, I have an idea.”
