AGE EIGHTEEN
Three months.
It’s been three whole months and two weeks since that night everything went terribly wrong.
Except for the popping my cherry part—yeah, that one went perfectly right.
It’s probably the rightest thing that’s happened to me after being born.
The only thing that’s surpassed my every fantasy.
And that’s where the problem lies. Due to being an experience out of magic land—or filthy land—semantics—I couldn’t stop thinking about it.
Not even after Daniel ditched me like a used condom—that he didn’t put on while deflowering me or the gazillion times after.
I still think about the people who looked at me as if I’m a nutcase and should be admitted to a psych ward for sitting at the step of a literally burning mansion.
The similarities weren’t lost on me and they were probably right. After all, I sat on those steps, watching the entrance like a pole dancer watches the Queen’s notes.
I didn’t blink, didn’t move, and definitely didn’t pay attention to the chaos unfolding around me.
It’s how unhealthy obsessions work. The world kind of ceases to exist, and the only time it does is when it’s working as a vessel for the subject of my obsession.
Who, if you didn’t gather already, didn’t show up.
The one who did was my mother. She grabbed me by the elbow and kind of shoved me into her car, which was very unlike her. Showing any violent behavior, even while enraged, is very unladylike-like.
I chalked it up to the fact that she was mad for finding me in the process of killing myself.
Daniel didn’t call or text that night. Granted, we don’t have each other’s numbers.
Correction—he doesn’t have my number. I stole his from Astrid’s phone when she was too careless to leave it unlocked three years ago.
He’s gone through an excessive change of nomenclatures on my phone since then.
Lollipop.
Peaches.
Snow Globe.
Fantasy.
Obsession.
Unhealthy.
And the very latest is my favorite.
Bloody Idiot.
No clue why I had his number for years when I never called or texted him. I guess knowing he was in there was enough before.
Now, it’s not.
So what if he didn’t have my number? If he wanted to change that, he could’ve asked Astrid for it. Despite my strained relationship with my stepsister, we do have each other’s numbers.
But then again, she’s the reason he ignored me all summer. That night, Astrid was involved in a hit-and-run whose culprit remains free.
They found ecstasy in her bloodstream, due to the shot Daniel snatched from me and gave to her. Uncle Henry has been mad at her for doing drugs.
To be fair, I’m sorry about that, but not enough to out myself in front of Uncle Henry. Mum would kill me. Well, not exactly, but being disappointed in me is no different than that.
After my peaches incident, she didn’t speak to me for three months and only got back to talking to me when Uncle Henry started to notice. I still have nightmares about that.
If she hears I’m the one who unintentionally drugged Astrid, she’ll think of ways to erase me from her existence.
And I’m kind of invisible to someone else so I don’t need that double torture.
Besides, ever since her accident, Astrid has possessed Daniel’s attention worse than his favorite tacky action films.
As a result, he hasn’t looked at me, hasn’t spoken to me, and certainly hasn’t spent any alone time with me.
It doesn’t help that he was at a football camp for most of the summer.
But even after we got back to school, he just ignored my existence as if I no longer existed.
He’s back to being Royal Elite’s heartthrob, a charming athlete, and Astrid’s side piece.
I don’t even recognize myself around her anymore. Sometimes, I catch myself genuinely wanting to hurt her. Genuinely wishing she never came around.
Genuinely wanting to push her into the pool.
Those thoughts were scary.
My feelings for Daniel were even scarier.
If I was willing to go that far to have him, what did that make me? Desperate? Obsessive?
An unstable lunatic?
Maybe it’s a combination of all three.
And the worst problem is that I can’t put an end to these toxic, hate-infested thoughts.
Or the emotions behind them.
It’s why I’m wearing Levi King’s jersey at tonight’s game. Chloe is wearing Ronan Astor’s because she’s always after the hottest piece around.
I am, too.
Just differently.
Since that night when Levi’s family holiday mansion went up in flames, he’s been getting suspiciously close to my plain stepsister.
Sometimes I wonder what she has that I don’t. What makes the hottest, richest boy in school and Daniel so wrapped around her tiny finger?
She’s a bit tomboyish, weird, and entirely unsophisticated. She doesn’t even like her own father’s lifestyle.
That hasn’t stopped Levi from following her around like he wants to strangle and fuck her at the same time.
And while I don’t care about that, Daniel is getting in the middle of it.
I heard him when he was watching stupid Vikings—her favorite show—with her in our pool house. The same pool house in which he spoke to me, touched me, and held me for the first time since that peaches incident.
He told her she shouldn’t get involved with Levi and that he would satisfy her sexual needs instead.
That was exactly three months and two weeks after he fucked me so senseless that I couldn’t walk properly for a few days.
It doesn’t matter what I let him do to me. Given the chance, he’d go to his precious Astrid.
But she’s into Levi.
Which is how my plan comes into play.
After the game, the football team throws a party at Ronan’s house.
Chloe and I tag along, then break up at the entrance. Since Ronan’s father is an earl, he has the mansion that goes with the title.
When I first came here for a collector exhibition thrown by his mother, I was struck by how much the place seems out of a fairy tale with its high-end furniture and prim and proper servants.
However, since his parents often travel outside the country, Ronan has sort of turned this into a brothel/club/casino.
The number of ignorant fools walking past precious paintings and spilling alcohol over premium carpets is insulting.
Still, I ignore the chaos and any attempts anyone makes to talk to me.
I’m on a mission.
So I walk straight to it.
To a private room where Levi and a few team members have retreated.
The stench of cigarettes, weed, and alcohol wafts in the air like the stench of death.
But I keep my head high as I slide to Levi’s side. He blows a cloud of smoke in my direction but looks at me as if I’m the dust on his shoes.
He’s looking at me at least, so that’s a good sign.
“On your knees,” he announces out of nowhere and I want to smack that rich-boy smugness off his face.
“I’m not a whore,” I bite out.
“On your knees or get the fuck out of here.”
My eyes trail off to the door. Papa, if you can send a sign, then please do that now.
Preferably him.
But I’m just too naïve. I should’ve stopped believing in Papa and wishes made upon passing stars.
I should’ve stopped having the same wish for my past ten birthdays.
Wishes that never came true.
Wishes are meant for fairy tales, shooting stars, and imaginary worlds.
Biting down on my pride, I fall to my knees between Levi’s legs. He jams two fingers in my mouth and I resist the urge to gag and throw up all over his limited edition designer shoes.
Imagine it’s him.
It’s not Levi. It’s him.
I start to suck, but Levi tuts. “Stay still.”
A bulge grows in his trousers and I reach for it, thankful that my hand doesn’t shake. “Wow, you’re so big.”
Someone kill me.
What the hell am I doing with Levi?
He grabs me by the shoulder when a gasp fills the air.
Both Levi and I turn at the same time to find Astrid standing in the entrance, her eyes wide and sad and angry and every emotion I’ve been feeling for the whole summer.
When Daniel chose her over me.
When Daniel abandoned me and went to her.
I meet her gaze. How does it feel to be invisible to the one you like, Astrid?
“I…um…thought Dan was here. Sorry to interrupt.”
She bolts out, jamming the door shut behind her and I break out in hysterical laughter.
It doesn’t feel satisfying.
Not in the slightest.
It’s humiliating and downright embarrassing for me to be between Levi’s legs in the first place.
For me to be on my knees because of a man who didn’t see me.
This isn’t me.
“Why the fuck are you laughing?” Levi snaps.
“The little Viking learned her place both at home and here.”
“At home?”
“She’s my stepsister, but not for long. Now…where were we?” I reach for him again. I need to at least start it for when Daniel comes to see the show.
I have no doubt that Astrid will go cry in his arms like a damsel in distress.
He’s her knight.
I’m their villain.
Levi shoves me away, telling me to go swallow someplace else.
He doesn’t see my middle finger as he storms out of the room.
I stand to my full height with barely conjured grace and flip my hair. I can sense eyes on me, snickers from the rest of the players, but I don’t let them get to me.
It doesn’t matter what type of reputation I’ll gain from this, especially since I used to reject boys faster than an audition.
The deed is done and I’m officially following the devil on my shoulder.
As for the angel, that one is strapped to a peach. I can’t touch or listen to him unless I’m in the mood to die.
I feel high by the time I get out of the room. No, not high.
Miserable.
They touch the same emotions inside me. The emotions where I want to dive into a pool and drown or maybe eat a peach and die by the one thing that I love one-sidedly.
So I sneak into Ronan’s kitchen. A stuffy middle-aged butler slides in front of me like Dracula in an inhabitable palace. “How may I help you, miss?
I adopt my very polite, very good-girl tone. “Do you have peaches?”
If the request baffles him, his expression doesn’t change as he echoes, “Peaches?”
“Yes, the fruit.”
“One moment, miss.”
He disappears into another door and I stand there like an Alice in Wonderland character, trying to ignore all the crazy that’s going on at the party around me.
Did that guy just hug a pillar?
“If you’re in the mood to swallow, all you have to do is ask, sweets.”
I shudder, but it’s the bad kind. The creepy kind.
Chris needs to seriously stop sliding up from behind me out of nowhere. He grins at me, and I subconsciously step back.
His eyes are bloodshot red as if his blood vessels murdered each other in an epic battle.
“Heard you wanted to swallow for Captain?”
“No, I didn’t.” I wouldn’t have finished the blowjob even if my life depended on it. I only wanted the rumors and to get either Daniel or Astrid so they could have a front-row seat.
“No need to be shy about it.” Chris reaches for me. “I can satisfy you.”
“Eww, gross.” I slap his hand away. “Don’t touch me.”
His face hardens and before he can come near me, the butler returns with a whole bowl of peaches and hands it to me.
“This is…a lot,” I say.
“In case you need them,” he says, all serious.
I smile, then take my peaches and sneak to a small gazebo at the back of the garden, overlooking a fountain.
It has a devil and an angel.
Ha. Ronan’s parents are as poetic as my two sides. Everyone knows the devil always wins. We’re designed to be bad. Goodness comes with so much headache, stomachache, and most importantly, heartache.
Opening my small bag, I take out a lollipop and suck on it. Peach-flavored, of course. It’s synthetic, so I’m safe with it.
This is how I’ve survived my craving for peaches all this time. But I have to do it in secret ever since Mum called it juvenile.
I place the bowl beside me and grab a peach, then hold it beneath the moon. It’s crazy how a small fruit could send me to an early death.
Still, my mouth waters with the desire to have a bite.
One taste.
I’m kidding myself, though; one taste is never enough. Not even hours of that taste.
Not even multiple orgasms because of it.
“Killed by a Peach would look so fucking depressing on your tombstone.”
I startle as a shadow falls over me.
Daniel.
Breathe, Nicole. You have to breathe.
I slowly stare up at him.
He has both his hands in his jean pockets and that causes his shoulders to stretch his Elites jacket.
Daniel always looked beautiful, but he’s equally scary right now.
Like a volcano that’s about to erupt. An allergic reaction slowly building in the background.
Ignoring his demeanor, I focus on his words, still clutching the forbidden fruit and sucking my lollipop. I feel defiant enough to do it in front of him.
I’m so badass that I’m sucking a lollipop.
“I’d still look pretty and unique and I would die doing something I love.”
“What are other things you love doing, aside from sucking cock, I mean. Didn’t know you were a whore.”
My chest aches. I expected him to hear about the Levi fiasco and predicted his reaction. Didn’t think it’d hurt like being stabbed with a peach-flavored knife.
“That’s funny coming from a manwhore.” I pull out the lollipop, then pop it in again, letting it snuggle in the side of my cheek.
A dark smirk tilts his lips as he watches the motion. “If you want dick, all you have to do is ask.”
“That’s the second time someone told me that tonight. You guys must be so desperate for these forbidden lips.”
His eyes narrow. “Who asked you?”
“Don’t remember. Don’t care. As for your invitation, I’m going to have to decline. I’m still testing for STDs after that one time. You know, after you forgot about me.”
A muscle works in his jaw, disturbing his otherwise calm face. “Astrid had an accident.”
“Cool.” I stand up, ready to nurse my bleeding heart with a dozen lollipops. “Why aren’t you nursing her wounded heart about Levi, then? Oh, were you looking for her and found me, instead? It’s a bit dark out here, so you might have mistaken us.”
He grabs me by the shoulders and I yelp as he pins me against the bench. I’m on my back and the peaches are scattered around us like murdered shooting stars.
Daniel hovers over me, knees on either side of me, and glares down at me with the fury of a warrior. “You think I would mistake you for anyone when you’re driving me fucking nuts?”
My heart starts to soar for the sky and have those misconceptions that left him with multiple plasters. So I clamp my feelings on its misplaced hopes and adopt my angry tone. “I’m driving you nuts? Who abandoned the other after fucking them senseless without a condom?”
“Astrid got into that accident because she was high on the drug I gave her.” He speaks so low, I feel the hiss of it against my skin. “Do you think I was in the mood to shag the evil stepsister who was behind the whole fucking drug idea?”
“Who told you I would let you touch me again? It was a one-time thing, so don’t flatter yourself.” My voice drips with cool venom, but it must be as cutting as his words, because his jaw clenches.
“Is that why you’re moving on to Levi?”
“None of your business.”
“I’m making it my business. If you’re doing this to hurt Astrid…”
I’m doing this to hurt you as much as you hurt me. But I don’t say that, opting to remain silent.
“You’re a fucking nuisance, Nicole.”
“Your thing didn’t think that when it was prowling inside me.”
“A hot nuisance, and for the last time, it’s called a cock and the act goes by the name fucking, Miss Prude.” There’s amusement in his tone. “You didn’t really suck off Levi, why not?”
“How do you know I didn’t?”
“Cole was there and told me the actual story.”
I search his unreadable face. “Why did you ask?”
“Because.” He tightens his hand on my arm. “You came on to Captain, but you looked disgusted, is what Cole said.”
“Cole needs glasses.”
“So you prefer being called a whore instead of telling the truth?”
“I prefer you leave me alone.”
“I can’t.”
He pauses, eyes widening as if he’s as surprised by what he said as I am.
“You…can’t?”
He shakes his head once. “You’re actively working to make my best friend’s life hell, and I want to strangle the fuck out of you for it, but I can’t leave you the fuck alone.”
“The three months you didn’t even look in my direction would testify otherwise.”
“Maybe you’re the one who needs glasses.”
“What?”
He plucks the lollipop out of my half-open mouth. It leaves a sticky, wrinkled trace on my inner cheek and sweet drool gathers in my mouth.
Before I can think about what he’s doing, Daniel shoves it in his mouth. The motion is so sudden and erotic that I gulp.
He sucks on the sweet candy, hollowing his cheeks before he pops it out and runs his tongue over it like he did to my pussy that day.
Over and over.
And over.
I gulp, my inner thighs clenching.
Then he crunches the lollipop in a few seconds, crushing the view as if it never existed.
“You’re…supposed to savor it,” I whisper, still unable to get the previous scene out of my head.
“I prefer getting to the sweet part faster.” He leans down and captures my lips in a slow kiss.
The taste of peaches explodes on my tongue.
My forbidden fruit and my forbidden person.
My body goes into a shock reaction of emotions that leaves me breathless.
Daniel grabs me by my nape, his fingers sinking into my hair as he deepens the kiss.
It’s madness and we’re the only people in it.
The only two allowed entrance.
I lift my hand, about to touch him, to lick all the peaches off him, but something vibrates.
It’s his phone, I realize. He groans but doesn’t release me, but it vibrates again and again and he pushes off me with a grunt.
“Oh, for fuck’s sake.”
He stares at what I assume is a text, then back at me with lust and trepidation. “I have to go.”
My heart that briefly revived to life shrivels again. “To Astrid.”
“She called my brother over so he’d drive us home.”
I shove him away, my limbs shaking so hard, I’m surprised they’re working.
“Nicole.” He grabs me by the elbow, spinning me around.
“What? You have your precious Astrid waiting for you. What do you want from me?”
A look passes his features and I wish I could use up all the wishes and lamp genies in the world to know what it means. “You and I…are impossible.”
“Obviously. Good luck being Astrid’s boy toy.”
“Oh, please. It’s not about Astrid. It’s about you, Nicole. You’re vindictive and vicious and a general bitch. I don’t want that.”
“Clearly. Judging by the tent in your pants.”
“Physical reaction.”
“Were the five times you fucked me that night also a physical reaction?”
“I was drugged.”
“The drug doesn’t make you want someone you don’t, Daniel.”
“Yes, it does.”
I see it then. He desperately wants to believe that, he wants to believe that he wouldn’t touch me with a ten-foot pole if he had a choice.
But he did touch me just now and he’s sober, which is why he’s frustrated.
I don’t know whether I should laugh or cry.
So I settle for a smile. “What if I say that wasn’t the case for me? What if I told you I wanted that night? That I felt it like nothing before?”
“Then you’d be lying, because your plan was Chris.”
This bloody wanker.
I want to poke him in the eyes.
Instead, I settle with throwing a jab at him. “Maybe he’s still my plan, and now that you ruined it, I have to work twice as hard.”
A flash ignites in his blue eyes. It’s so harsh and fast that I physically stiffen.
“So that’s what the sucking Captain episode was all about? Getting Chris’s attention?”
“Maybe it was.”
“Best of luck attracting fucking losers.”
“Seems I have a record with those.” I flip my hair. “I consider it pro bono work.”
His eyes flash again and he reaches a hand for me, but before it can touch me, his phone flashes and he shakes his head, then turns around and disappears.
Again.
Giving me his back.
Again.
And this time, I feel like I really lost a part of him.
One I won’t be able to recapture.
Still, I lick my lips and the taste of the peach lollipop, praying for a day where I’ll be able to eat actual peaches.
But that’s probably as impossible as wishing Daniel would ever accept me.
Like me.
Want me.
And not feel disgusted by it.
