Nicole has been silent for exactly thirty minutes. It’s not only a record, but it should also be kept in a “warning signs” ledger.
At first, I pretend I’m utterly and completely fascinated with my iPad—despite not doing anything with it. Then I glared at the damn lollipop stick that I let fall to the ground and quietly questioned the object; what the fuck have you done to sour her mood?
Might want to ask yourself, mate, is what it silently communicated back.
Or maybe that’s the demon-like angel swinging on my shoulder.
Finally, I let the iPad fall to my lap and direct the glare at her phone that she’s fixated on as if it’s her new lover. What are the chances that I can switch places with that phone in the next three seconds?
I clear my throat, but she doesn’t even show a sign of acknowledging me, and rightly so.
Thing is, I might have been a fucking arsehole ever since she poured her heart to me, and it’s entirely due to the fact that I have no clue how the fuck I should treat her. If I soften, it’d be no different than pitying her and neither of us want that.
So I played the dick card. Admittedly, not the best card I have, but it’s the only card I know how to play so well.
But right now, it feels imperative that I shake off this gloomy cloud hanging between us. I search our surroundings and soon find a way to break off her affair with her phone.
“Jay’s sleeping in an awkward position.”
That successfully gets her attention and she drops the phone to her side before she straightens him up, then covers him with his Minions blanket he insisted to bring along. He whines, and it makes me smile, imagining him huffing and being a cranky Minion.
“He seems like a deep sleeper,” I say when she picks up her phone again, probably intent on ignoring me for the rest of the flight.
“Thankfully,” she says tonelessly.
“Was he always stubborn?”
She slides her attention from the fucking phone and stares at me blankly. “Why are you asking?”
“I’m trying to strike up a conversation so you won’t get bored the entire flight.”
“We both know that’s not true, so either tell me the real reason or go back to your jerk persona and leave me alone.”
“I just want to talk to you.” I let out in a sigh. “Happy now?”
I swear her lips twitch in an almost smile, but she doesn’t let it show. “That wasn’t so hard to say, was it?”
I grunt as a response and this time, she does smile. And I find myself closing my mouth to not drool like a fucking dog.
Jesus.
Nicole is beautiful under normal circumstances, but when she smiles, her entire face brightens and the universe pauses.
At least mine does.
She places her phone beside her and leans forward, gracing me with her full attention. “What do you want to talk about?”
“Everything. Anything.”
“Like what?”
“Like…eleven years back.”
Her lips tremble and she fingers her phone case, absentmindedly digging her nails in. “I already told you…”
“I don’t mean that. I’m interested in everything before it.”
“What do you mean?”
“That Nicole…the bitchy, horrible person who made people feel less than dirt wasn’t real, was she?”
She stares at Jay, the window, her lap—anywhere but at me. “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
“You know exactly what I’m talking about. The old Nicole was a persona, a defense mechanism of sorts.”
Her long lashes flutter over her cheeks before she stares up. “So what if it was? Will I be forgiven and given a golden medal now?”
“No, you were still a bitch and your actions hurt a lot of people—namely Astrid.” And me. But I keep that to myself, because emotional doesn’t look good on me.
“I know that, which is why I don’t offer excuses. What I did was wrong and that’s that.”
“But I want those excuses.”
“Why would you?”
“Why do you think? Because I want to understand you.”
She swallows, her delicate throat moving up and down and she stares at me funny. As if I’m a different Daniel from the one she’s used to. And maybe I am. My perspective about her is as fickle as England’s sun and just as obscure.
Ever since she told me about the past, I have no fucking clue where to place her anymore. My reasons for revenge are null and void. My need to touch her feels fucking wrong right now. As for my feelings…fuck.
I have no bloody clue what to feel right now.
One thing’s for certain, though. Nicole is the only woman—person—whose sole presence is enough to provoke the most reckless, passionate side of me.
I fully expect her to ignore me, but she whispers, “I was taught early on to never show emotions. They’re a weakness, a hindrance, and would lead to my downfall. My father was an emotional man and that didn’t get him too far in life, so I assumed sealing it all in was the right way to go.”
“Let me guess. Your mother?”
She sets her lips in a line and nods. “Sometimes I hated her for it, but other times I couldn’t blame her. It’s the only way she learned to survive.”
“Are you seriously defending her when she was the reason you were scared shitless about going against Chris? When she turned out to be a psycho?”
“She was still my mother.” Her voice shakes. “Yes, she separated Uncle Henry from his first wife by playing on his parents’ feelings and toyed with her brakes with the intention of killing her. But that was because Uncle Henry meant to leave us. Mum felt threatened and in her mind, getting rid of the problem was the right thing to do. I naturally don’t agree with her or her methods or what she did to Astrid, but I can see where she came from. She wasn’t a psycho; a psycho wouldn’t care, but she did. She loved me in her own screwed-up way and I choose to hold on to those moments instead of when I saw her arrested.”
“You said you didn’t visit her in prison.”
“It’s because I refused to see her that way. Just like you refused to sit down or talk to your father after you found out about the mistresses.”
“As disgusting as my father was, he didn’t escalate to murder.”
“He still shaped who you are, Daniel. As much as my mother shaped who I am. I’m assertive enough to admit that.”
I pause, watching the light in her eyes—it’s dim, but it’s there. And at this moment, I know it’ll never go away. That no matter what happens to this woman, she’s strong enough to dust off her shoulders, stand up and start all over again.
She got a redo once and she’d do it all over again if she has to.
“You’ve matured, Nicole.” More than I ever did or will.
“I had to.” She stares at Jayden and smiles. “When I had to raise a stubborn, incredibly intelligent, and asthmatic child like Jayden, I needed to leave all naïvety and privilege behind and dedicate my life to him.”
“I assume it wasn’t always easy.”
“In the first years, yes. Especially on the financial level. I could hardly find an affordable babysitter and I kept thinking about how he deserves a better education that I will probably never be able to provide him. But most of all, I’m lucky to have him. I seriously wouldn’t have survived this far without him.”
My fist clenches on my trousers and it’s out of self-loathing more than anything. It’s out of knowing that I could’ve prevented all of this if I could just go back in time.
“Jay even believes in my dreams more than I do.”
I raise a brow. “How so?”
“He said once he grows up, he’ll help me open my own restaurant.”
“You want that? A restaurant?”
“I only ever thought I loved making food, but I also discovered that I love bringing joy to people through it. So yeah, I guess. Not now, though. Probably when Jay doesn’t need me as much.”
The information is new but not surprising. She has the talent to have not only a restaurant but a dozen of them. And I might be imagining a million different ways to cut the tongue of every person who will eat her food. Because I’m extra like that.
“How about you?” she asks softly.
“How about me?”
“Did you live the life you always envisioned since your player days in secondary school?”
“It was fine.” Plain, empty, and fucking meaningless, but I have the decency to keep the embarrassing details to myself.
“Was it worth abandoning your mother and brother for?”
“For the thousandth time, I did not abandon them. Nora Sterling is addicted to tears, drama, and wine—in that order. My name doesn’t belong to her list of priorities. As for Zach…he was the one who abandoned me.”
And I might have been more bitter about that than a loser in a presidential election.
She gives me a look as stern as when she’s scolding Jay about his homework. “You’re the one who didn’t attend your father’s funeral and told your mother to not contact you.”
“I didn’t extend the invitation to him, but he took it anyway.”
Sometimes, I think I’m extracurricular in my family. Zach is the firstborn, the holy messiah of the Sterling name, and the only thing they need to keep selling our souls to the devil in a buy-one-get-one-free sale.
Even my father cared about him sometimes, but never about me. My mother always went to cry on his shoulder. Admittedly, I never allowed such blasphemy, but anyway.
Zach and I, however, were different from the rest of our family. We were close.
Until we weren’t.
“I’m sure it’s not what you think,” Nicole tells me with a smile.
“How would you know that?”
“I just do. Not everyone is as cynical as you.”
“I’m cynical?”
“Hello? Do you look at yourself in the mirror?”
“Everyday. I’m too gorgeous not to.”
“Your arrogance is staggering.”
“I’ll take that as a compliment considering your ex-queen bee status.”
“You give me a run for my money.”
“I beg to differ. You walked around as if you had a crown on your head that no one was allowed to touch.”
“You were.” Her voice softens. “But you were never interested.”
“That’s not true.”
Her lips part and a light I’ve never seen rushes to her eyes. I wish I could take a picture of her right now and keep it with me forever.
I wish I could trap her fascinating expression somewhere between my rib cage and bruised heart.
“You…were interested?”
I take a sip of water and still fail to soothe my dry throat.
“Daniel!”
“What?”
“You were interested?”
“Maybe.”
“Maybe isn’t an answer.”
“It’s the only one you’ll get.”
That still paints a smile on her lips; one with blushing cheeks and glittering eyes, and I make it my mission to preserve that smile for as long as I can.
