I slam the door to the bedroom shut, walk away from it, then storm toward it again.
My hand hesitates on the handle before I release it with a loud puff.
The lava that’s been building in my bloodstream is now roaring to the surface and I can no longer trap it inside.
I can no longer pretend that I can keep on doing this and feel nothing.
It’s only been me, ever since I first saw Daniel when we were damn kids. Ever since I envied him for being mischievously free when I couldn’t dream of it.
I grab a lollipop that’s lying on the dresser and jerkily remove the stupid wrapper, then crunch it so hard, my teeth hurt. Now, even my lollipop sucking habits are changing because of him.
My weight falls on the bed and I pull my legs into my chest, but the usual self-comfort doesn’t work this time.
So I walk to the bag I brought and retrieve the emerald necklace. I haven’t been wearing it lately, but I always keep it close. This time, I put it around my neck, then get the small box I always keep with me.
The box that the little girl in me used as a form of consolation. The adult in me continued to use it as a source of peace.
My fingers glide over the small wooden exterior that’s accentuated with a metallic lock. I took this box with me everywhere after Mum was arrested. I hid it under my bed and stared at it when it got too hard. When Jay was sick. When my nightmares and panic attacks rendered me crippled.
I used to try and hide this part of me by any means necessary, but it’s different now.
Now, I meant what I said. I’m not going to keep making the same mistake named Daniel.
If I want to move on, to pick up the pieces of my life and survive, then I need to deal with this once and for all.
It’s not about why he’s angry, which he vehemently believes is that I invited his family without telling him—a fact that he’ll thank me for later.
He’s angry because, like back when we were teenagers, he doesn’t like that he wants me.
He loathes it with passion.
And if that’s the case, then he’s going to say it to my face and spare me a stronger heartache.
Not allowing myself to change my mind, I carry the box close to my chest and stride to the door. The moment I open it, I pull Daniel inside, because he’s gripping the handle.
My heart does that strange flip that I only ever experienced when he’s in sight. When I first met him, when I gradually fell in love with him, when he touched me, when he hurt me afterward, and eventually when I thought I would never see him again.
Until I did.
Until he slowly became an undivided part of my world.
The bottle of whiskey that he nursed like it’s his baby is gone, but he still appears rugged, his hair tousled and haphazard in a glorious warrior kind of way.
“I said a few things that I regret,” he says, one of his fists clenching beside him.
The box digs into my chest as I hug it tighter. “Like what?”
“Like the warm hole part. Won’t happen again.”
“And?”
“There’s no and.”
My tempter that I almost felt deflating due to his not-so-explicit apology flares again. I push the box at his chest. “In that case, take this.”
A frown appears between his brows, then morphs into recognition as he flips the box. “Is this…?”
“The present you gave me for my thirteenth birthday.” I reach behind my nape and unclasp the white gold necklace. When I pull it, the emerald pendant opens to reveal a small key that’s designed for the box.
I push it into Daniel’s bigger hand. “I saw you the day you went into a vintage shop and asked the old man for a custom-made necklace. You even gave him a picture of me so the color would match my eyes. That day was one of the happiest in my life. And when my birthday rolled around, I opened your present first. You said, ‘It’s called a box of secrets and you’re the only one who can get access to it due to that key necklace.’ But before I could say anything, you told me that Aunt Nora picked it out and then you left the party.
“You always lifted me up just to bring me down harder than before. You touched me just to stop touching me. You kissed me only to never do it again. Did you know that your smiles disappeared whenever you looked at me? That you always looked in the other direction? You ignored me to the point that I wondered if I was invisible. But I’m not, Daniel. I’m right here, I was always right in front of you, looking at you, watching you, being so unhealthily obsessed with you, it ruined me.
“I stepped on my pride to love you. I crushed my bleeding heart, then gave it to you. All I wanted was for you to see me, to not make me invisible. All I wished for was a tiny piece of your heart, a sliver of your attention, but you never gave me that. You never fought for me as I fought for you!”
My heart hammers in my chest and I feel myself on the point of hyperventilating.
I don’t know what I expected his reaction would be, but the clenching of his jaw and the tightening of his fist until his knuckles turn white is definitely not what I had in mind.
Why does he get to be angry when I’m the one who should be?
His reaction disappears as quickly as it appeared. Instead, that sadistic gleam rushes forward, the frigid coldness wrapping over him, like when he’s about to wear his dick hat.
“You were that desperate, huh?”
I ignore the jab of his words and suck in sharp intakes of air through my mouth. “I was that in love with you.”
He bursts out laughing and I feel my heart shattering into pieces at his feet, with all of its blood and longing and stupid damn feelings that I harbored for years.
“Oh, I’m sorry.” He slowly puts a halt to his maniacal laughter. “That wasn’t supposed to be funny? Because the only thing I recall about you from back then is your bitchy, entitled fucking self, Nicole. You were just a fuck but you went ahead and made it into some love story. Hopeless romanticism does suit you since you’re so fucking naïve.”
“You don’t mean that,” I argue more to myself than him. “You liked me, Daniel, you always did. You just didn’t like that fact. I know it.”
His voice that was mocking a moment ago lowers in tone while being loud in volume. “You know jack shit about me, Nicole. You might need to see someone for your delusions and other issues.”
A lump catches in my throat. “Are you trying to push me away? Again?”
“I’m trying to make you understand that I’m not your Prince Charming, nor your white knight nor anything remotely noble. We used each other and that’s it. Keep the girlhood dreams where they belong.”
His harsh words and tone don’t faze me as much as the realization that’s been creeping up on me but is finally hitting me across the face. “You’ll never see me, will you? No matter how much I look at you, give you, or be there for you, I’ll only ever be someone you despise to want. Someone who’s meant to only ever be invisible.”
“You have a stunning talent at figuring things out. Therapy will make it even better.” He hands the box and necklace back to me. “I’m no professional, but I’m sure they’d recommend that you throw these little girl things in the nearest rubbish bin and move on with your life.”
I grab them and do just that. The rubbish topples over from the force of my throw. Daniel barely glances at it, his expression blank, bored almost.
That’s when I see what we are. I’ve always been the upper half of an hourglass while he was the bottom. Sooner or later, he was meant to empty me until nothing was left.
My shoulders droop and a lone tear escapes my lids. “I’m done with you. I’m done with your cowardice, with my unrequited feelings. I’m done, Daniel. So please, let me go. Please let me be free. Let me breathe air where you don’t exist.”
He gives a curt nod, then turns around and leaves.
The world splinters to pieces around me as I fall to the floor and cry the hardest I ever did.
I don’t grieve us, not when we didn’t even exist.
I finally grieve myself.
I don’t know how long I remain on the floor then somehow end up on the bed, a mess of unstoppable tears, twisted fantasies, and impossible feelings. I might have fallen asleep at some point, I’m not sure.
But it’s long enough that a lone ray of sun slips through the curtains and a new day sneaks its way through the harsh, merciless night.
It doesn’t matter what happened during that night—whether it’s the shattering of hope or the scary reminder that I wasted my youth loving someone who would never love me.
Who would look anywhere but at me.
The need to pull myself off the floor and get out of his house prickles on my skin like a spring allergy but the will to actually do that is nonexistent.
Then I recall something, or more specifically someone.
Jay.
I spring up to a standing position and hobble to the bathroom so I can wash my face. I refuse to look at my reflection in the mirror. It’s no different than facing that ghostly part of me.
I retrieve my phone from the nightstand, contemplating if calling Uncle Henry this early is a good or a stupid idea after we exchanged numbers and I left my brother with him and Astrid.
The text that I find on the screen breathes some life into me.
Uncle Henry: Jayden is fast asleep after playing with Landon and Brandon all day. Astrid insisted on him staying the night. I’ll bring him over as soon as he wakes up.
At least one of us is accepted by Astrid.
Not that it matters now.
I need to pack my things and leave with Jay as soon as he’s back.
If I have to beg Aspen to take me in as a second assistant, so be it. Although I’d still work in the same building as Daniel, it’ll get easier with time.
Or so I like to fool my future self into believing.
It didn’t get easier the past eleven years, but I at least managed to numb the pain and focus on raising Jay. But now that I’ve gotten a glimpse of the other side of Daniel—the cold yet caring side—I don’t think it’ll be as easy to numb anything.
When I finish packing my and Jay’s bag, I resist the urge to cry. And it isn’t until I’ve gotten downstairs that I realize I might run into Daniel and cry for real.
Pathetic.
“Morning, Ms. Adler,” a gentle feminine voice calls. It’s Sophie, the maid. Upon seeing my face, a delicate frown appears between her brows. “Are you unwell?”
If having my heart broken repeatedly is unwell, then yeah, I must be suffering from the worst type of unwellness.
“I’m good, thank you.”
“Do you need anything? Perhaps some tea with your breakfast?”
If I didn’t hate Daniel so much, I’d be laughing about how he calls his staff tea monsters. To their faces, even.
“No, I’m good. I’m just waiting for my brother so that we can leave.”
“Leave?” Her frown deepens. “That’s not what the master said.”
I hate how my heart that’s been ripped to shreds by his bare hands attempts to gather whatever’s left of the pieces and beat for him.
Being with Daniel isn’t only an experience, but a bloody battle with more losses and casualties. And that’s all I’m suffering from right now.
Casualties.
“What did he say then?” I’m glad my voice sounds casual enough.
“That you’ll be staying here for a while.”
I’m…what? Does he really think I would stay at his house after all that’s happened? Or maybe he still thinks of me as his assistant that he can order around for his one-gram-of-sugar coffee.
“Well, tell him that I’m not staying.”
She winces. “He doesn’t exactly take our calls and whenever he does he’d say, “Wrong number,” and hang up.”
“Wait…he’s not here?”
“No, miss. He left early in the morning. I saw him coming out of your room.”
“You must be mistaken…”
“Of course not, miss. I saw him leaving the room when I was on my way to get my cup of tea with milk and he motioned at me to stay quiet, then he gathered all of us to tell us to serve you as if you’re him.”
My head is unable to wrap itself around all the information tossed my way. Why would he do that after all he said?
“He had a box in his hand, too. And it’s the only thing he took with him. I told him I would pack his bag, but he said there was no need.”
The box…?
I run upstairs to the room and sure enough, the box isn’t in the rubbish bin where I threw it. And neither is the necklace/key.
Did Daniel personally throw away the box?
A sense of panic floods the back of my throat and I start searching for it like a maniac. Please don’t tell me that box is gone.
Fresh tears spill from my eyes as I drop to my knees, searching underneath the console and the bed.
I’m supposed to be getting it together, but losing that box is no different than losing a part of me. I didn’t mean it about completely getting rid of it.
Just when I’m about to have an epic meltdown. I find a folded paper fallen by the side of the bed. My heart skips a beat as I slowly open it and find Daniel’s messy handwriting.
Nicole,
The mansion is yours. I told my English solicitor to transfer it to your name and signed the appropriate documentation.
I also asked Zach to give you an apprenticeship in one of our biggest hotels in London. You have a formidable talent and as much I hated sharing it, the world deserves to have the experience of eating your cooking.
Jayden’s education will also be taken care of.
Make London your home again as you always secretly wished.
You don’t have to worry about Christopher or the custody case anymore. The cunt got what was coming for him and won’t be bothering you going forward.
And neither will I.
I’m sorry you loved me.
Daniel
