I’m a logical person.
In fact, I’ve felt older than my actual age since I was a child for this reason.
I don’t let emotions sway me, not even when I was a hormonal teenager with an unexpected pregnancy and unresolved feelings.
My main goal has always been to survive, escape the hole I was born into, and lead a life that’s entirely different from my parents’.
I chose to practice law so no one would be given the chance to walk all over me. So I could beat the statistics about runaways and prove we can be accomplished.
Our origins don’t dictate who we are, our actions do.
I wanted to rewrite my history, to start anew and bury my past.
Little did I know that it would catch up to me. Or that I’d find myself the most illogical person I’ve ever met.
It’s been a week since the day I saw another woman’s text to Kingsley.
A whole week of struggling with the gloomy emotions that have no business attacking me.
During that week, I’ve attempted to pull away, but Kingsley is a damn beast who doesn’t allow me any alone time.
In the midst of dirty sex, spanking me, marking my flesh with his barbaric bites, I’ve had no time to catch my breath.
I hate that I’ve gotten used to his rough hand during sex and how it becomes gentle yet firm when he washes my hair, worshipping every strand. Or the way he feeds me special recipes he’s found specifically to help with my withdrawals.
Or how he drags me to his home gym to work on my stamina, and always, without a doubt, ends up fucking me mid-workout because he’s an animal who never gets enough.
But what I hate the most is that my vision about this whole thing is starting to blur.
Which is why I needed to gather what’s left of my will, summon my logical side, and remind myself that what I saw that day was nothing.
That he didn’t actually sleep with her.
Though I wasn’t doing a great job at convincing myself of that fact, considering that I had to physically struggle with not checking his phone.
I caved two nights ago and typed in his password while he was sleeping. The only reason I even know his password is because he’s so open about typing it in front of me as if he trusts me or something.
Well, he shouldn’t have, because I totally broke that trust. However, there was no trace of the text I saw. Her name, Britney, was not in his contacts either.
To other people, that could’ve been a good sign, but it pushed my suspicious meter up a notch, and I felt so disgusted with myself for snooping in his stuff that I had nausea all night long.
I’m not this person. I don’t get jealous, I don’t allow anyone to make me feel small, let alone play me.
So why do I feel like crying from frustration?
Releasing a long breath, I try to push the thought of Kingsley out of my head and lift my hand to hit the doorbell of Gwen’s house.
Nate invited me over for dinner and I wouldn’t miss this chance for the world. My daughter has been actively avoiding me, and that’s part of why I’ve been on edge lately.
Their house is spacious, but not cathedral-level like Kingsley’s. It has Gwen’s touch with the endless colorful flower beds in the garden. There are also cozy-looking chairs in the front yard that I can imagine her and Nate sitting in on peaceful evenings.
Despite his fortune, Nate always lived in an apartment and only used it to sleep. He’s as much of a workaholic as I am, with no personal life to speak of.
Or he used to be, anyway.
Now, he habitually leaves early, has strict boundaries on his personal time, and has taken more vacations in the last few months than in his whole life. And the most endearing part is that all his personal time is dedicated to hiking and traveling with Gwen.
I would’ve never imagined that Nate would change into this family man, and it feels a bit lonely since I always thought we shared the same mindset.
Not that I’m jealous or anything. I’m not.
The door opens before I push the bell and I swallow as Gwen appears in the entrance.
She’s wearing comfy-looking shorts and a matching T-shirt that has “Vanilla is The New Kink” written on it. Her hair is gathered in a messy bun and some flour dusts her cheek.
“Hey,” I say, feeling more nervous than I’ve ever been before.
Apparently, I’m confident in everything, except when it comes to my daughter.
And her father.
No. Stop thinking about him.
“Nate invited me over,” I say when she remains silent, then I give her a box of cake. “I made a vanilla cake. The easiest. I burned the first three, but this one survived—although barely. I used to eat these from a stand on the side of our street. There was this middle-aged lady who gave us some for free. Us, as in, me and Caroline. Mostly Callie because she made friends with the food people so they would give her any leftovers, then she shared them with me. I preferred to starve than beg for food…” I wince, realizing I’ve been talking for too long. “Sorry for blabbering.”
“Now I know who I got my love for vanilla from. And some blabbering habits, too.” Gwen takes the cake from my hand with a small smile. “Are you going to stand there all night long? Come in.”
I follow behind her and she leads me to the dining room, where the table is already set for three people. Nate sits at the head, looking relaxed in his khaki pants and polo shirt. “Aspen.”
“Nate,” I greet back.
Gwen pulls back my chair and I take the cue to sit down.
“Did you know I was coming?” I ask, staring between her and her husband.
“Of course. Nate already told me.”
“Oh.” That’s much better than taking her off guard, and at least she doesn’t oppose the idea of me coming over to her house.
“I’m going to change real quick,” she tells us, then disappears around the corner.
Nate’s attentive gaze follows her until she’s out of view and remains there for a second too long. I’m glad the brute Kingsley isn’t here or he would’ve started a drama. Though I do understand that an overprotective father like him finds it hard not to think of her as a little girl.
I can’t imagine what he must’ve felt like when he first found out that his best friend married his “angel,” as he calls her.
But then again, even Kingsley’s brutishness could see how much Nate adores the ground Gwen walks on.
Nothing could’ve stopped Nate from marrying Gwen. Not even her father.
“She spent the whole afternoon cooking, baking, and hiding alcohol because she knows you’ve stopped drinking,” he says, finally looking at me. “I offered to help, but she completely refused it.”
My heart squeezes. “Now I feel bad for the cake that’s probably not edible.”
“Believe me, she’ll eat it even if she has to drink a gallon of milkshake with it.”
I smile. “Thank you, Nate.”
“For what?”
“For letting me come here.” I’ve been wanting a chance to talk to her face to face but have always chickened out, scared of her rejection.
If it were Kingsley, he would’ve snatched that chance. In fact, I heard him talking to her on the phone the other day as if nothing had happened.
But the truth remains, he’s been her father, mother, and best friend all these years. She can’t really be mad at him for long. I’m an entirely different equation.
Nate pours a glass of water and takes a sip. “Inviting you was her idea.”
“Really?”
“Yes. Besides, she needs you as much as you need her, Aspen. But she has both your and King’s stubbornness, so it may take her a little while to admit it out loud.”
“It’s fine. I can wait. I waited for twenty years to find some balance after losing her, so this is nothing.”
“While you’re waiting…” He slides his elbows on the table and interlinks his fingers. “Shouldn’t you sort out whatever you have with King first?”
My stomach contracts at the mention of his name and I drink a whole glass of water. That’s what I’ve been doing lately whenever I have the urge to drink. “It’s nothing.”
“I’ll be ready to believe your warped sense of nothing if you stop disappearing in each other’s offices in plain sight or if he stops suddenly kicking out anyone who’s in the room with him when he gets a text. Or when you stop looking at each other with the full intention of tearing one another’s clothes off.”
My neck heats and I pour more water, the glass almost overflowing. Are we that obvious?
More like, is Kingsley? He doesn’t miss a chance to drag me into a dark corner so he can have his way with me. Ravage me.
Leave me completely spent.
“Honestly, I don’t care what two adults do with their sex lives and I’m not even going to think about how you get bruises all over your neck and even your wrists.”
I splutter on my water. “You…you saw?”
“Yeah, your makeup game is sloppy sometimes. Not to mention, he puts his mark on places you can’t see.” He motions at me. “Like your nape.”
I slap a hand over it, surprised the glass doesn’t splinter into pieces in my other hand. “That fucking asshole.”
“I take it there’s no forcing involved?”
My cheeks burn further. “I would kill him before he forces me into anything.”
“That’s what I thought. Just wanted to check, because he’s a cold human being who doesn’t like to be defied.”
“He’s not cold…he’s just not warm, but he does care. I mean, look at him with Gwen, even when they have their differences, they send each other good morning and good night texts, and he makes sure I eat and he’s one of the reasons I stopped drinking and…” I trail off when a slow smile spreads across Nate’s lips. “What?”
“Is it me or did you just defend King?”
“I did not.” Shit. I did.
What the hell is wrong with me?
“Right,” he says in a mocking way. “Whatever it is you’re doing, can you make sure it’s clear? It’s confusing Gwyneth, and I’m undoubtedly on her side, not yours or King’s.”
The sound of footsteps kills any response I had. My thoughts are scattered when I see what Gwen is wearing.
It’s the same dress I had sent to her house right before she came back from her honeymoon.
“You look stunning, wife,” Nate says, his voice deepening.
“Thank you, husband.” She quickly kisses his lips, then sits down. “Aspen bought it for me.”
“It looks perfect,” I say, my words strangled by stupid emotions.
“Thanks.” She smiles a little. “I made mushrooms, pasta à la bolognese, and steak. I didn’t know what your favorite food is, so I didn’t know what to cook. If you like something else, I can—”
“It’s fine. I don’t have a favorite food. I don’t like it that much, actually.”
Gwen frowns. “Why not?”
“I guess eating was just a tedious chore when I was young, because food was hard to come by. Being hungry hurt and sucked my energy, so I dreaded the sensation. After I grew up, I started eating for necessity only.” Until recently.
Until Kingsley sat me on his lap, on the counter, and made me eat. Or when he did filthy things to my body while I ate.
Until I started to associate food with our heated debates and a delicious burn on my ass.
“That’s because you did it alone.” Gwen scoops some of the pasta on a plate. “Food should be consumed while in someone’s company, so if you have no one to eat with, call me…or Dad.” She slides the dish in front of me with a shy, “I hope you like it.”
I take a forkful of the pasta and chew on it to keep from choking on the lump in my throat. “It’s delicious. Thank you.”
“You’re welcome. Dad taught me how to cook. He taught me everything I know.”
I swallow the mouthful of food. “I’m glad you had him.”
“Me, too.” She fiddles with the napkin on her lap, eyes downcast. “I’m sorry I blamed you for what happened in the past. Truth is, it wasn’t your fault and you were only a child when you were pregnant with me. I was illogical and emotional and shouldn’t have taken it out on you.”
“Gwen, no…”
“Let me finish.” Her voice turns brittle. “I missed you so much when I didn’t have you and I was hurt thinking you abandoned me, but you didn’t. Yesterday, Daddy took me to the grave you visited yearly, thinking it was me, and told me you were severely abused, starved, and beaten to within an inch of your life, but you still tried your best to protect me. He said losing me shaped who you became as a person and if I couldn’t understand your circumstances, then I don’t deserve you as a mother.”
My lips part. Kingsley told her that? He…defended me in front of her?
Like, what is he playing at now? Is this another tactic to make me trust him just so he can pull the world from beneath my feet?
“You’d deserve me anyway, Gwen.”
“No, he’s right.” Her colorful eyes meet mine with a shine in them. “I’m sorry you had to go through all of that. I had no idea your life was that hard.”
“I…survived.”
“Doesn’t mean it wasn’t hard. I’m an adult now, you know, so you don’t have to protect me anymore. I can do that myself just fine and can even protect you, Dad, and Nate if need be.”
My fingers shake on the utensils and I couldn’t control them even if I wanted to. God. What have I done to deserve a daughter like her? No wonder Kingsley calls her an angel. She’s the purest soul ever.
She makes me eat from every dish, channeling her father’s behavior, and I do it, not because I like the food, but because she’s there.
The three of us talk about the firm and her law school application. Nate and I give her advice on her options, relying on our experience.
And in the midst of the peaceful, familial atmosphere, I hate that I wish Kingsley were here to join in on the conversation. He makes his larger-than-life presence known by his absence.
At this point, I don’t know if I could ever purge him out of my system instead of letting him fester inside.
After dinner, Nate goes to search for some board games while Gwen shows me around the house.
“It’s a beautiful place,” I tell her when we reach a small living area that overlooks the illuminated pool.
She faces me, a sly smile on her lips. “Not more beautiful than Dad’s house.”
“They have different attributes, I guess.”
She watches me intently, slightly narrowing her eyes.
“What?” I take a sip from the small bottle of water I’ve been carrying around.
“Do you love my dad?”
I choke on the water for the second time tonight. “W-what? No…”
Her brow furrows as if the answer is disappointing. “I know I said he’s evil sometimes, but he’s the best father ever. And okay, maybe his legal battles with Susan are over the top, but she provokes him, too, and she was the reason behind Grandma’s death and still calls her names. Also, he’s a good man deep down, so give him a chance.”
“A chance for what?”
“To love him.”
“That’s not how it works, Gwen.”
“But what if Dad loves you?”
“Believe me, that’s not the case.” He’s not capable of loving another person. The only reason he loves Gwen is because she’s his flesh and blood.
She’s part of him. I most definitely am not.
“How can you be so sure? Did you ask him?”
“No, and I absolutely won’t.” Unless I want to make a bigger fool out of myself. “If whatever we have makes you uncomfortable, then I can…”
The words end it get stuck in my throat and I don’t know why the hell I’m on the verge of tears at the thought.
“You can what?” Gwen gauges my expression. “End it?”
“If…you prefer. It’s better than you holding out vain hope that this is a reunion or something. Kingsley and I never had a relationship in the first place.”
“But you had a connection, right? Auntie Callie told me you never shut up about him back then.”
Since when does she call Caroline ‘Auntie Callie’ and why is that big-mouthed idiot telling my secrets? “I was a clueless teenager. I thankfully got over those hormonal emotions.”
“I don’t think you can completely get over your first crush. They hold a piece of you forever. Look at me. I had a crush on Nate since I was fifteen, and even though he rejected me years later, I still couldn’t get him out of my mind.”
“That’s different. Nate eventually reciprocated, and honestly, he didn’t stand a chance with your determination. Kingsley, however…”
“What?”
“You know full well that your father doesn’t love anyone but you.”
“Well, true. But hey, he can add you to his shortlist.”
Can and will are entirely different, and I’m older and emotionally mature enough not to wish for the impossible.
I direct the conversation back to her and Nate so I don’t get caught up in my own thoughts again.
The three of us play a board game and watch a horror movie, per Gwen’s request, in the middle of which she falls asleep against my arm.
Nate carries her away too soon. “Let me get her to bed and I’ll be back.”
“No need. I can find my way out.” I lean over and kiss her forehead, my lips lingering there for a bit. “Night, baby.”
I put on my shoes and drink a whole bottle of water from the kitchen.
“Aspen, wait.”
I turn around with my hand on my car door handle.
Nate steps into the night, carrying a photo album, then offers it to me. “She forgot, but she intended to give you this.”
“What is it?”
“A journal of sorts in which she added commentary to every picture of herself. She wanted you to have this so you can see how she grew up over the years.”
I hug the album to my chest and touch his arm. “Thank you, Nate.”
He pats my hand. “You would’ve been a great mother, Aspen. You still are. Don’t let King or anyone else tell you otherwise.”
I don’t know if it’s his words, the treasure in my hands, how close Gwen felt throughout this night, or the gloomy feeling inside me, but I can’t control the tears that stream down my cheeks.
“Hey.” Nate pulls me into a brotherly hug with one hand on my shoulder.
“It hurts. Not being there for her from the beginning really hurts and…I don’t know how to show how grateful I am that I’m getting another chance. I wish I could’ve watched her grow up into who she is.”
“You can do it from now on. It’s never too late to be a part of her life.”
I nod and we start to pull away from each other when Nate jerks backward. I gasp when Kingsley appears like a dark shadow with his fist raised.
