“You’re married?” I stare dumbfounded at Gwen and she takes a long slurp of her milkshake.
I was ready to be told off about the way I disappeared on them last night. As a gesture of apology, I invited them over to the IT department for a coffee break and I bought her favorite vanilla milkshake and Chris an iced coffee.
But he pushed his drink aside and said in an overly hyperactive voice, “Where the hell were you last night, Jane? You missed the epic moment when Nate announced that Gwen is his wife.”
My friend groans, then stares down before meeting our expectant gazes. “Let me explain.”
“Hell yeah, you’ll explain.” Chris nudges her. “I’ve been in suspense all night long, waiting for morning, despite being drunk as fuck.”
“You couldn’t have been as drunk as I was. I have the worst hangover in human history today.” Gwen massages her temples.
“That doesn’t give you the right to escape answering to what the hell is going on.” Chris lowers his voice. “You’re really married to the managing partner of W&S, who happens to be your dad’s closest friend, WHILE your father is in a coma?”
She grimaces. “Sort of.”
“What does “sort of” mean? No?”
“We are married, but it’s not what you think. I just…it’s just for convenience.”
“But isn’t he twice your age?”
“He’s not twice my age, he’s only eighteen years older than me.”
“Which is two years away from being twice your age, Gwen.”
She shifts, her gaze getting somber, and the colors in her eyes clash into an undecipherable mix.
“Are you happy?” I ask.
“That’s not what you should be asking her, Jane. You should make her explain.”
“Why would she? They’re both adults and Nathaniel doesn’t seem like the type who’d make impulsive decisions, so it must’ve been for a good reason.”
“It was.” Gwen’s voice trembles. “Do you think this is all okay? Me married to Nate, I mean. His mother dropped by yesterday and she made me feel shitty by bringing up the outside world. Why can’t it be just me and him? And yeah, I know he’s Dad’s best friend-slash-partner and almost twice my age, and when I was eighteen and kissed him, he was twice my age, but—”
“Wait,” Chris interrupts. “You kissed him when you were eighteen?”
“I did and I don’t regret it, okay?” She focuses back on me as if I’m her safe haven. “Do you think my feelings for him are weird?
“I don’t really have the right to judge and neither does Chris.” I glare at him, then smile at her. “It’s your life so live it as you wish.”
“Thanks.” She abandons her tight hold on the milkshake and takes my hand in hers. “I’m so glad you at least understand.”
“But I don’t.” Chris rolls his eyes. “You have to admit the whole thing is off. I can’t imagine you married to Nate.”
“Why not?” She purses her lips.
“Because he’s so strict and no-nonsense and you’re…well…talkative and active and many other things that he isn’t.”
“I also think it’s a very unlikely pairing.”
“Jane.” She releases my hand and hits my shoulder. “I thought you were on my side.”
“Even Jane can’t ignore the facts,” Chris teases. “Do you drive him insane with all the talking?”
“Screw you, okay? He’s never complained about that.”
“He probably will soon.”
I laugh as they go at each other’s throats and bicker. It feels light, nice, normal.
And I have no clue why that makes my stomach drop with each passing second.
In the back of my mind, I know people like me aren’t allowed to have this kind of ordinary life, or happiness, or anything that doesn’t include a conflict.
Yes, I ran away, but that doesn’t mean they won’t chase me. Hurt me—or Babushka.
Or the people I’ve started to care about despite vowing to stay alone. Despite my efforts and the walls I’ve built around me.
And because I’ve been having these small bursts of anxiety since this morning, I’ve been manically checking on Babushka and making sure she’s okay.
It’s probably a play of my imagination, a trick of my brain, which is rejecting how alive I’ve been lately.
So absolutely alive.
My phone vibrates and I hide it from Gwen and Chris as I check the text.
Knox: My office. Now.
I type discreetly, even though they’re both still bickering.
Me: Not the supply room?
Knox: I know your pussy misses me, but this is about work.
Despite the tinge of disappointment, I stand, clearing my throat. “They need me on the partners’ floor.”
A frown appears between Gwen’s brows. “Now?”
“Yeah, I’ll catch up with you later.”
I grab my laptop case and leave before either of them can say anything. I know it’s about work, but if I can see his face, that’s fine.
No clue when seeing Knox became this vital, and I think I have an unhealthy fixation, but it’s there and it’s impossible to get rid of it.
And maybe, just maybe, I don’t want to.
When he came to find me at the club yesterday, my chest squeezed the hardest it ever has, and everything that followed made it even tighter and narrower until I couldn’t breathe.
Or maybe I breathed way past my capacity until I had no air left besides what his mouth fed me when he kissed me senseless in the car.
I’m practically jogging to his office and when I reach it, I stop to catch my breath and fix my hair. Before, I never felt the need to be beautiful for anyone, but now, I keep thinking about being in my best shape, just so I can deepen that gleam in his eyes.
But that means becoming Anastasia again. That means being a wallflower whose life is dictated for her, and I refuse to do that.
Inhaling deeply, I tap on Knox’s office door and his gruff “Come in” makes me clench my thighs.
Get a grip, Ana.
I slip inside and find him sitting majestically behind his desk, reading from a file. He’s so beautiful, it’s a little painful, especially when he’s concentrating on his task, his thick brows knit together and his strong hands flipping through the pages.
Why am I not those measly pieces of paper?
As if reading my thoughts, he lifts his head and a sly smirk tilts his lips. “You’re here.”
“You said you needed me.”
“Needed you?”
“For work.”
“If you keep staring at me with those come-and-fuck-me eyes, that plan will change.”
I gulp, looking at the floor.
“No, Anastasia. You never break eye contact with me, not for any reason.”
I slowly lift my head and take in a few steadying breaths. “What do you want me to work on?”
“I’m forming an offensive strategy for Sandra’s case. I emailed you a list of leads that I want you to go through.”
“So it’s about gathering intel?”
“In a not-so-legal way. Are you up for it?”
“I’ll be happy to help.”
“If Nate or anyone else finds out about this, they’ll fire you.”
“And they’ll probably call a disciplinary board meeting for you.”
He smiles. “You’re worried about me, beautiful?”
“No, I’m…not.”
“As you shouldn’t be. They can’t hurt me for this.”
“But what if the opposing lawyers find out? You could lose your license, right?”
“This is between you and me, so unless you betray me, no one will find out.”
“Only…the two of us know?”
“Yeah.”
“Why?”
“Because of all the complications that could arise from it.”
My nails dig into the strap of the laptop case and I try not to be disappointed that he didn’t say the words I didn’t know I wanted to hear, but now, I do.
I wanted him to say he trusted me.
But that’s stupid. Why would he trust me when my background is a mystery and he’s well aware that I’ve adopted a different identity than my own?
It’s the reason I haven’t shown him my eyes; I needed to keep a piece of myself hidden.
And maybe he wants to hide a piece of himself, too, because he’s never fucked me while looking at me.
Like me, he has high walls and prefers to keep them that way.
I should be fine with that. After all, this arrangement suits me the best, but that’s not the case.
So instead of focusing on those somber thoughts, I sit on the sofa and get lost in work, typing away at my computer.
I’m at it for some time, not sure how long, since I kind of forget about my surroundings when I’m creating systems or breaking through firewalls.
“You’re fucking hot when you’re in your nerdy zone, beautiful.”
I stare up at that, my breath catching in my throat, and my cheeks burn bright. “Stop it.”
“Stop what?” His voice drops as he glides his finger on the edge of the paper. “Telling you how hot you are?”
“Distracting me.”
“You’re distracting me, too, so it’s only fair that you suffer with me.”
“But I’m not doing anything.”
“Still distracting as fuck.”
“Maybe I should work from the IT department.”
“Fuck no. I finally found an excuse to get you here.”
“I thought this was for the case.”
“That, too.” He tilts his head in my direction. “But why do you think I have the blinds down?”
“I…don’t know.”
“So you can flash me those gorgeous tits anytime you please.”
“I won’t do that.”
“But you can. Anytime, beautiful.”
“Pervert.”
“I won’t deny the charge.”
“The harassment charge, you mean?”
“I beg to differ.”
“Well, isn’t that how harassment in the workplace happens? A higher-up bullies an employee to do their sexual bidding.”
“But does said employee wait for their boss in a dark room while only wearing lace panties and dripping in them with the anticipation of being fucked?”
My cheeks go up in flames at the retelling of one of the times I waited for him in only my panties. I don’t know what came over me then. I just wanted to see that lusty look in his eyes and feel the way he couldn’t seem to get enough of me.
I ended up bent over on the floor and fucked so thoroughly that I couldn’t move.
“I suppose not,” I murmur.
“Does that mean you’re going to show me your tits now? Or your cunt? Maybe both?”
My fingers itch and burn, and I do want it. I want to get naked for him and watch the darkening of his golden eyes.
But before I can get on board with that crazy idea, the door to his office busts open and Daniel strides in.
“Stop sending me blonde fucking hookers, you bloody wanker. There were two of them last night.”
I freeze, but Knox simply smirks. “There will be three today.”
“What the fuck?”
“Four tomorrow. By the weekend, you’ll have an army of them.”
“Do you have a fucking death wish?”
“Apparently, you do. So I’ll kill you slowly with blonde hookers.”
I try to suppress my laughter and that alerts Daniel to my presence, because his head whips in my direction. His eyes narrow on me, then back on Knox. “Wait a minute. Is it because of her?”
Knox purses his lips but says nothing.
Daniel throws his weight on the chair in front of Knox, seemingly a bit calmer. “I see. If you don’t like me making a move on your girl, all you have to do is say so. There’s no need to be a dick.”
My cheeks heat at that. Or, more specifically, the part where he called me Knox’s girl.
I’m not, right?
“I did tell you, but you didn’t listen, so the hookers are your punishment until further notice.”
“Oh, fuck you.” He tilts his head to the side toward me. “Are you sure you won’t change your mind? I’m a way better fuck than he is.”
Knox stands abruptly, so abruptly that I push back against the sofa, startled.
“Repeat that one more time and I’ll beat you the fuck up, then I’ll pay a dozen blonde hookers to wank you in your sleep. Don’t test my fucking patience.”
Instead of being mad, Daniel’s lips pull in a wide grin. “My, my, Van Doren. Isn’t this fucking interesting?”
“Get out.”
“Not when it’s getting juicy. Should I order my best man suit?”
I swallow, my heart hammering at what he’s insinuating. I stand up so fast, the room starts spinning for a bit, but I plant my feet firmly on the ground. “I…I’m going back to the IT department.”
Knox is about to say something, but I can’t listen to him in my disheveled state or with the way my heart threatens to jump out of my ribcage.
And the feeling doesn’t go away for the rest of the day, not when I’m working or having lunch with Gwen and Chris, and definitely not when I go home alone.
Knox sends me a text that he’s having a late work meeting and will go to his apartment tonight before coming over.
So that gives me a long time on my own. Hours, to be specific. I should probably sleep them off until he comes along.
Jeez.
Since when did he become the highlight of my day? As I slip the key into the door of my apartment, I can feel the gloominess of being alone in this place.
Is this even healthy anymore?
Mom used to tell me that love is a game one will always lose and I’m starting to realize exactly what those words mean.
Though, this isn’t love.
No, nope. We’re merely fuck buddies.
Yeah, keep telling yourself that.
The moment I open the door and step inside, the hairs on my nape stand on end. And it’s not because Knox isn’t here.
It’s something darker, sharper, and much more nefarious.
My blood roars with the need to run, to disappear and never come back.
My feet shift in place and I turn around to do just that, but a hand shoots out from the darkness and slams the door shut.
The faintly accented voice makes my stomach drop. “Long time no see, Anastasia.”
