The need for violence hasn’t left my system.
If anything, it’s growing and intensifying, despite being in the process of murdering the punching bag in my building’s gym.
I keep pummeling on and on, imagining Daniel’s face as its substitute. Or any other man’s face who ever put their hands on her.
Any.
All.
This isn’t normal, is it? Being on the verge of destruction and feeling like I’ll burst any second. It isn’t normal to have urges I thought I got rid of long ago.
Like standing at the top of something high, spreading my arms, and plummeting down, just so I can kill the shadows swirling around me from every side.
Or maybe cutting open my veins so they’ll fucking bleed out so I can stop them from whispering, murmuring, and hissing in my ears.
I haven’t had these thoughts for…years. Or maybe I’ve done a fantastic job pretending they weren’t there anymore.
That I was fine.
Perfect.
Completely over my past
Dad is right, after all. It’s impossible to pretend all is well when it isn’t.
One incident, one moment in time is able to make me backpedal into the worse version of myself.
The version that resisted the urge to jump or cut open my veins because I couldn’t leave Teal. Because I was responsible for my sister and abandoning her was a betrayal of the vow I made to protect her.
But she doesn’t need my protection now. Not only does she have her husband and son, but I can finally admit that she’s in a better place than I am.
I always thought I was her rock and anchor, that I had to be strong for her, but I didn’t stop to think about how much that fake strength would eat away at the edges and seep inside.
That’s how it feels right now—like I’m dissolving from the outside in.
The scene of Anastasia clinging to Daniel keeps replaying at the back of my mind in a loop, in spite of my attempts to stop it. It’s whirling, repeating, and fucking up my breathing.
The way her lips parted when she looked at him and knelt between his legs. Lips that were only mine to kiss. Lips that only smiled at me.
Not anymore, though.
We’re over.
That’s what she said and when I didn’t agree, she proceeded to fucking prove it.
I hit the bag harder until my knuckles and muscles scream with pain and exertion. Until my vision is hazy with sweat and a red mist.
“Are you done murdering the punching bag or should I come back in a bit?”
My head whips to the side to find the fucker Daniel casually leaning against the wall, his legs crossed at the ankles.
I abandon the bag and stride toward him. Thank God the gym is empty, because it’s about to turn into a crime scene.
Sweat drips from my lashes and temples, and the exhaustion from punching the bag slowly recedes as adrenaline moves to the forefront.
Daniel raises his hands and backs away. “Whoa, calm down, mate. You’re making a grave mistake.”
“I’ll worry about that after it happens.”
He keeps backing away and I’m on him, my strides longer and with intent.
“I notarized a new will just now that says if I die under mysterious circumstances, Knox killed me.”
“Might as well make it happen then.”
“You’re being an unreasonable bloody idiot right now.”
“I’m the unreasonable bloody idiot? Are you sure that’s not you? Since…I don’t know. You are the one who put their fucking hands on her. On the one person that I’ve ever called mine. Let’s break down the fucking reason, shall we? What was it, exactly? Jealousy? Or maybe it’s your constant need to feel something after your secondary school crush broke your heart and stomped all over it as if it were mere rubbish? Is it because the only person you wanted never wanted you back, and that made you develop a phobia of blondes you still struggle with even as an adult?”
He stops backing away, his shoulders turning tense and his features gradually shutting down. The agreeable mask he wears for everyone slowly disappears, allowing his true image to show.
The raging, bitter fucker who also hates himself. That’s the one thing we had in common when we got close, and no matter how much he’s hid that fact, it’s still a huge part of who he is.
“Shut the fuck up, Knox.” There’s a warning in his clipped tone.
Bloody fantastic. Now, we’re getting down to business.
“It hurts, doesn’t it? Being hit upside the head by the truth. Being reminded that you can have any woman except the one you really want, because she only ever used you, right? You were nothing to her and always will be.”
His fists clench at his sides and I expect him to punch me. I’m waiting for him to make the first move so I can pummel him to the ground. However, his lips curve, and the holes in his cheeks appear grotesque as he smirks. “Just like you’re nothing to Anastasia, you mean? She threw you away the first chance she got. And guess who she chose? Moi.”
I lunge at him and he’s waiting with a raised fist. I punch him first and he punches back just as hard. I might’ve been the one who was working out on the bag, but his hits are fueled with as much adrenaline as mine.
It’s like he’s waited for this moment to release all the pent-up energy that’s been growing inside him as well.
I tackle him to the ground, but before I can pin him down, he rolls us around and kicks me in the balls.
“Motherfucker!” I curse, grabbing the throbbing area and stare up at him, because he’s standing, panting, his eyes shadowed. “That’s a fucking low blow.”
“Just like bringing her up. Do that again and your dick will be next.”
“Not if I kill you first.”
“You can try. Doesn’t mean you’ll succeed.”
I crawl to a sitting position, wincing at the pain in my balls. The fucking bastard got me good.
As much as I want to rearrange his features and sell them for parts, I know he meant it about my dick. He can be a raging arsehole when provoked and I definitely did that by mentioning his Achilles’ heel.
So unless I break his dick first, he’ll come after mine.
Besides, it’s like all the destructive energy I stored inside is slowly deflating. All I’m left with is a bitter taste at the back of my fucking throat.
I stare up at him—or, more accurately, glare. “Just tell me why, Daniel. Why her?”
“No reason.”
“Either you tell me or I swear to fuck I’m going to find the blonde from your past and fuck her, then send you the pictures.” I wouldn’t, because that would mean touching another woman besides Anastasia, and as much as I want to strangle the fuck out of her, I don’t want any other woman but her.
However, my words get me the intended reaction. He grabs me by the shirt and hauls me off the ground. “Don’t you fucking dare.”
“Why? I thought you were over her, or is that another lie?”
“I’m going to fuck up your life, Knox.”
“You do that while I’m busy fucking her into oblivion.”
“Shut the fuck up or I’ll fuck Anastasia for real.”
I’m about to punch him to death when his words register. He said for real, as in, it didn’t happen.
“You didn’t do anything with her, did you?” I ask slowly, the haze dissipating from my vision.
“I will in about half an hour if you don’t stop being a dick.”
“Like fuck you will.” I stand to my full height and push him away. “Why did you make me believe something happened?”
“I didn’t make you believe something happened. You painted that whole scenario yourself. I specifically told you I didn’t come on to her, but you weren’t listening.”
“Why did she say she came on to you?”
“Hello? She obviously realized I’m a catch.”
“Daniel,” I warn.
“Why don’t you ask her?”
“Well, I’m asking you.”
“Even if I knew something, why would I spill the beans? You get fewer brownie points for being a bloody fucking wanker. Not only did you believe I would do such a thing to you, but you also brought her up. We agreed to never fucking do that.”
“What did you expect me to do? You were lying to me.”
“I was cooperating for your bloody sake, but fuck you.”
“My sake? What is that supposed to mean?”
“She said she’s doing this for you.”
“For me?”
“That’s all I’m telling you. You’ll have to find out everything else from her.”
It still feels wrong that she even went to him instead of coming to me and I want to punch him to death for that reason alone, but I suck in deep breaths to conjure some much-needed calm.
Anastasia has a lot to answer to, and a lot to learn, like the fact that she can’t take any other man’s side but mine. Or tell me it’s over.
She can do whatever the fuck she wants, but only while she’s with me.
“Where did you see her last?” I ask Daniel.
“At the firm, but I wouldn’t look there or at her flat.”
“Why the fuck not?”
He sighs, long and deep. “Because she said she’s going back to where she came from.”
