I WISH Gracie were a miracle cure for my sleep, but as embarrassing as it is to wake her up in the middle of the night, there’s nothing better than having her wrapped up in my arms when the dreams strike.
In the darkness, with the faint stars from the sky visible thanks to how high my floor is, it’s easier to take a deep breath, to slow down the beating of my heart by dissociating from the nightmare when she’s here.
When she doesn’t push me or pressure me to talk.
She’s just there.
Awake, aware, her hand cupping my forearm, her body curled up beside mine.
“Kow still hasn’t called.”
She tenses at that. “Why are you thinking about my brother at a time like this?”
“Because you’re not my dirty little secret.”
Immediately, she relaxes. “I didn’t think I was.”
“Really?” If I sound disbelieving, well, that’s because I am.
“I’m not the kind of thing you can keep secret. Sooner or later, you’d have called him to complain about something annoying I’d done.”
The mouth that was trembling a couple seconds ago in the aftermath of a dream that took me back to the worst moments of my life curves into a grin. “You have a point.”
She sniffs.
“Are you going to tell your mom?”
“And have her lecture me? No. Kow can tell her.” She yawns. “Or Page 6.”
Grimacing, I think back to this evening and rasp, “You got along fine with the O’Donnellys tonight.”
“You’re an O’Donnelly too. They’re family, Liam. Say it.”
“You got along fine with my family tonight,” I grumble.
“I did. I liked them. Aela, in particular. Did you know she’s an artist?”
“I didn’t, actually.”
“She’s wicked smart.”
“It’s the wicked part you like best, isn’t it?”
I can feel her smile against the arm that’s tucking her close to my side. “Maybe.”
“I wish things were easier for you with your family.”
The smile fades. “They love me. That’s all anyone can ask for.”
I know what she means, but because we’re talking about her, I want more for her.
“I wish your mom knew how shitty she makes you feel.”
“Did you ever watch that show about Queen Charlotte?”
I blink. “Does it have ice hockey in it?”
A laugh barks from her. “Nope. Definitely not.”
“Then, it’s unlikely,” I tease, happy she’s laughing.
“Her mother-in-law’s like this grade-A bitch, even to her kid, the king, and it seems unnecessarily harsh until you see Charlotte being the same pain in the ass to her own kids. Making demands that she bristled about when they were being made of her.”
“Right. And your point is?”
“I think it’s a rite of passage. Or an Eastern-European thing.”
“Which one?”
“I don’t know. I just know that I’m happier with a border between us and it’s unlikely that’ll change soon.” She huffs out another meaner laugh. “Of course, that could change when they realize I’m dating you. They’ll either come visit and be happy that you’re settling down or they’ll question your sanity.”
“Gracie,” I chide.
“What? You know I’m right.”
I pull a face at nothing because I can’t argue. My Bukowski worldview has been shaken at its core and I’m still reeling. “I hope you’re wrong.”
“Safe answer.” Quiet settles between us for a moment, then she muses, “You never did tell me why you let Kow know about the mugging.”
My expression morphs into another grimace. “He texted me to ask why you weren’t answering his calls.”
Gracie twists in my embrace to stare at me. “What did he want?”
“To talk to you, I guess.”
“No. What did he want? He always wants something.”
I sigh. “Gracie—”
“Liam, it’s okay,” she soothes, which makes me feel shittier because she shouldn’t be the one trying to make me feel better here. “I know my role in my family—part peacemaker, part disappointment, part fixer. What did he want?”
I don’t want to lie to her, but I don’t want to hurt her either.
“He was calling about your mom’s upcoming birthday.” There, that doesn’t sound too bad, does it?
Her chuckle is low. “Ohhh, of course. He needs me to buy her a gift for him, doesn’t he?”
“Did he message you?”
Surprisingly, Ollie hadn’t stolen her phone, just wrecked it, but the SIM card worked fine. So I know Kow could have gotten in touch.
“About what? The gift?”
My brows lift. “About the mugging.”
“No.”
“Did any of your brothers?”
“No.”
Anger licks at my heels. “Those assholes!”
“Yup.”
“What about your dad?”
“He lectured in the background while Mom was on the phone with me, but you know his ways. An hour later, he emailed me a link to a self-defense class that he paid for. We don’t always show love by saying the words. I know he cares. Heck, that he went online and figured out how to pay without calling me for help is a declaration in and of itself.”
I drag her into me for a tight hug. “You deserve better from your brothers and Hanna.”
She nuzzles her face into my throat. “Maybe I found better.”
Pressing a kiss to her temple, I mumble, “No ‘maybe’ about it.”
“You can talk to me, you know?”
I swallow. “I know.”
“You don’t have to… but… the nightmares… I’m here.”
My arms clench around her but she doesn’t complain. I can feel my heart start to pound, can hear it in my ears. Nausea punches me in the gut from out of nowhere, making sweat bead on my face and the small hairs at my nape stand on end.
That’s when I hear her soft hum and feel her hand starting to smooth along my back as she tries to calm me.
I probably wouldn’t have answered if she didn’t whisper, “You know how I always have the news on?”
“Yeah?”
“It’s a coping mechanism,” she confesses. “I got into the habit when you were… taken. It was the only way I could get any sleep.”
“I’m sorry,” I choke out.
“You don’t have to be sorry,” she counters. “I didn’t tell you for that. I told you because it helps me sleep. I wanted to… I needed to know what happened to you. I figured that would be how we found out first seeing as we weren’t your next-of-kin and Paddy might not have prioritized contacting us.
“You were gone so long that we couldn’t stay together as a family. We had to carry on like you—” She shudders, and that shudder tells me exactly how rough it was for her when I was gone. “You’re not alone, Liam, in still dealing with the aftermath of that time.”
My mind skips back to those days when she was all I saw, when she was what got me through. I wish I could tell that Liam I was on her mind. That she was as aware of me as I was of her. But I can’t. That’s in the past.
This is the present.
“I die without getting to see you again.”
God, hearing it out loud makes me sound like such a child but without her confession, I’d never have said dick.
A shocked breath escapes her, though, and her hand stills for a split second before she starts up again. “But you didn’t die. And you did get to see me.”
“I know.” My eyes close as I repeat, “I know.”
“I’m here, Liam. I’m not going anywhere.”
“What if I’m targeted again? And what if, this time, you’re in danger because of me? Fuck, Gracie, I can’t—”
“Stop,” she chides, her tone firm but kind. “I’m going nowhere. Can you imagine the amount of buyer’s remorse a kidnapper would get if he tried to take me?”
“That isn’t funny!”
“I’m being deadly serious,” she retorts. “You don’t have to worry, Liam. I’m here. We’re here.” Gracie presses a kiss to my arm before she reassures me, “I’m not going anywhere.”
I don’t argue.
I can’t.
I’m too busy fucking praying she’s right.
“Do you need the news on now?” I ask a few moments later.
She swallows. “Do you mind?”
My answer is to switch on the TV and find her favorite news channel before I put the volume on low.
As I tuck her closer, I hear her relieved sigh before she snuggles into me.
Reassurance or not, prayers or not, in the morning, I’m going to increase our security detail.
Just in case.
