I was fucked.
No. Really. I was fucked.
Waking up in Stone’s arms for the third morning in a row, I felt my heart do a whole flip, shimmy, and settle. It settled. The whole rolling/riding him last night had been an awakening. Or maybe it was just that grief was starting to fall into the grooves and dips in my heart, letting me feel other stuff, stuff that maybe had been building inside and I hadn’t realized it until now. Until I woke up, Stone’s arm over my chest, his leg pressed up behind me, his head tucked into my back, and I felt peaceful.
Peaceful.
That wasn’t good.
Again. I was so fucked.
His arm twitched. His body tensed. He was waking up, and his hand ran up my stomach, finding my naked breast and he cupped me there.
I needed to go over this again because there were more flutters in my stomach than there’d been last night, or like ever.
I might’ve had a crush on Stone growing up, but him being an elitist prick got that out of my system. Or I thought so because damn, what if that crap never left me? What if it’d been in me this whole time and now him being all nice and kind and taking care of me and giving me all these climaxes, what if all those brought up all of that?
“Morning.” He moved into me, his hand left my breast, sliding down, down, going past my waist and dipping between my legs.
I groaned.
Oh, yeah. He was bringing all of that up right now. As his fingers slid inside of me, I gasped. He was stirring those emotions up. They were like mud that had settled. He was dipping in the water and dirtying everything up.
Then, a second finger slid in, I rolled to my back, and I was gone. Whatever storm he was waking up in me, it was going to happen. Till then, I reached for him as he moved over me and his mouth found mine.
I waited till after I’d made breakfast for both of us, after we’d each had a coffee.
“This can’t be a regular thing.”
I was so stupid. I was already missing his dick.
He looked up from the counter. His plate was empty. He had a second cup of coffee in front of him, along with a glass of green juice and his phone. His eyes narrowed at me. “Come again?”
He smirked.
Yeah. I deserved that, but I was staying firm. “You and me. What we’re doing up there, we both agreed no relationship.”
“We both agreed not to fuck someone else if we’re fucking each other. I like fucking you. Why stop that?”
“Because.”
Stellar defense here, Dusty. Freaking stellar.
He cocked an eyebrow up, picking up his coffee. “Because?”
“Because I’m a girl. We feel things eventually.” I dipped my head. “And I’m getting better.”
A conflicted emotion passed over his face, tightening the lines around his mouth before smoothing back out. He put his coffee back down. “Better how?”
“I’m dealing. I’m not having meltdowns.”
“You had one four days ago.”
“And that’s my point. I’m better, because of you.”
His eyes narrowed again, and he cocked his head sideways. “Why change that? Because you’re worried you might start feeling something?” He shrugged, grabbing his coffee once more. “Let’s end this when that happens.”
“It’s happening.” His eyes lifted back to mine. I added, “Last night. This morning.” I turned away, feeling like I was exposing more of myself to him. “It’s happening.”
I waited.
It didn’t matter. Whatever he said, how long he took to say anything, that didn’t matter. That’s what I was telling myself.
A second passed.
Five seconds.
I stopped counting after fifteen seconds.
I was holding my breath.
A chair scraped against the floor.
Looking, he was walking away. His coffee, his green juice, was left behind.
Well.
That was a nice punch to my face. It shouldn’t have been. This was why I said something. He was being smart. I was being smart.
Still. It hurt. It couldn’t hurt worse than that, right?
He came back into the room, not looking at me, but turned halfway to me. His head was down. He was holding his phone, and he asked, “You need a ride back and forth from campus?”
See. My chest squeezed. He was making sure I was okay even after he was kicking me out.
“No. The house is a few blocks from campus. I can walk or get a ride with one of my housemates.”
He looked up, his entire face guarded. Nothing shone through. “Get a ride.” He left again.
“Okay.” God. That hurt to say. My throat was burning.
This was the right thing to do. Right? Then why did I feel so stupid? So foolish? But no. We said no relationship. I knew guys. They could compartmentalize better than I could, or some could. No. Stone could. He didn’t have those feelings for me. He liked me in bed. He cared about me outside of it, but he was a rising professional athlete. No way would he want to be tied down in a relationship, and I wasn’t ready for that either. What I went through, what I was handling now, a relationship was the last thing for me. Jared. Me. School. Those were my priorities. I bring a guy in, and if that guy was Stone, he’d become everything I would lean on. I wouldn’t do any growing on my own. This hurt. All of it, but I needed it.
Stone saw that, or he would’ve fought me on this.
He would… Wouldn’t he?
No. He would. I might’ve been seeing the nicer side of him lately, but I knew the asshole side of him, too. A total prick. A complete dick. I felt like saying stick just so I rhymed here, but he didn’t have a stick. He had a weapon. He had…okay, not helping.
I let out a shuddering breath.
Jesus. This was hurting.
He came back into the kitchen, dressed to go to the stadium. He’d told me he had meetings already, getting ready for their next game. They didn’t get the half-rest day because of Monday Night Football.
Good Lord, the way he filled out his shirt, how the jeans molded to his legs, how I knew how powerful those legs could be, especially when he was thrusting inside of you…yeah, again, really not helping.
He went past me, grabbing his wallet, his keys. He was putting his phone in his pocket. He went to the door, but paused.
I was waiting. He would open the door in two seconds. He didn’t, and then he spoke, “I get why you’re stopping this. I know you’re doing it for you in the long-run, but I also know you’re half doing it for me.” A pause. I didn’t look back. I remained standing on the other side of that counter, my back now turned to him. “Thank you.”
Confirmation.
Right there. He knew he didn’t want a serious relationship. That’s what I would’ve needed in my state. We were stopping before we even started.
It was better this way.
I was telling myself that as he shut the door behind him, as he drove out, as I heard the gate shutting behind his car.
I was lying to myself.
