I was sound asleep when I heard the pounding on the door. I moaned as I attempted to move all at once. The light coming in through the curtains told me it wasn’t yet evening. Livvie hadn’t waited long before coming to find me.
I decided further movement was ill advised. My throat was too sore to yell. A strange pinch occurred in my chest. I wanted to see Livvie, but I didn’t want to fight with her.
Vivisected. It’s the only word I can think of to describe how I’m feeling—vivisected. As though someone has cut me open with a scalpel, the pain not sinking in until the flesh begins to separate and my blood bubbles out. I can hear the crack as my ribs are flayed open. Slowly, my organs, wet and sticky, are pulled out of me one at a time. Until I am hollow. Hollow and yet, in excruciating pain—still alive. Still. Alive.
As I lay unable or unwilling to move with Livvie pounding on my door, it occurred to me: It’s always going to hurt. Yes, vivisected had been a very apt word to use. Loving Livvie was like allowing myself to be peeled open and hollowed out. She made me weak. She made me vulnerable. She made me ache and long and hope for all the things that could never be mine.
The door opened.
“Caleb?” Livvie called out. It was the first time she’d ever used the key I’d given her and I groaned at my own stupidity. That was another thing Livvie made me—stupid.
“I’m in here,” I said. Getting choked until unconscious is hard on the vocal chords. I hated the way my heart knocked in my chest. I really wanted to see her. I wanted to tell her I was sorry. Shamefully, I wanted her to see me battered and use it to keep her from screaming at me.
She gasped when she saw me but didn’t reach out to touch me.
“What did you do now? I mean, aside from invade my privacy and break my trust? It’s been a busy day for you.”
I let her words hang in the air between us. What could I say? Finally, she stepped closer and brushed her fingers across my cheek. I hissed.
“Serves you right,” she snapped. Beneath the anger I heard concern. “What happened?”
“I picked a fight,” I whispered. “You should see the other guy.” I laughed and it hurt.
“Is—is the other guy alive?” she asked without inflection.
“Yes,” I said just as coldly. “You would ask me, wouldn’t you? I’m always killing people for petty reasons.” I turned away from her. “If you came for a fight, don’t bother. I surrender.” I felt an intense pressure in my chest. “Just go.”
“Do you really want me to go?” she asked. There was no emotion in her voice and it scared the fuck out me. Please, don’t go. Don’t leave me.
“If you’re done with me,” I said instead.
“Coward,” she spat. “You’ll take a beating. You’ll face men with guns. You’ll kill. But God forbid you have to swallow your goddamn pride and apologize for being a nosy little shit.”
I sat up fast.
“You think I don’t swallow my pride? Fuck you! All I’ve done for months is swallow my pride. I’ve apologized ad nauseum. I fuck you when you want to be fucked. I play nice for your friends. I wait for you to come home because I have nothing more to do. You’ve become my whole life!
“Meanwhile, you’re writing about me. You still see me as the man I was. You still see the killer—beautiful on the outside and hideous on the inside. Why are you with me? Why am I trying so hard to be someone else when all I’ll ever be to you is the man who ruined your life? I follow you around like a love-sick bitch and every day I fight the urge to go back to what I know. There are days when I want to go back to being the person I was because that person couldn’t love you. The man I was would never be this weak!”
I shouted through the pain in my throat and that, coupled with the emotion working its way to the surface, threatened to close off my airway. Livvie’s face was a mask of indifference. It chilled my bones. How had she learned to be so cold? I knew the answer even as I asked the question.
“You love me?” she asked as she looked into my eyes. “When did you come to the realization? Was it when I told you I loved you and you said it was cute? Or maybe it was after I killed a man? Possibly when I begged you not to leave me at the border?
“Did you realize you loved me while I was alone in the hospital and weeping over you? When did you shout your love from the rooftops, Caleb? I couldn’t hear you. I was too busy trying to fucking breathe without you. I was busy convincing everyone around me I wasn’t crazy for defending my kidnapper. So, remind me. When did you say the words? I’ll be sure to go back in time and comfort the broken girl you left in your wake. Your love can comfort her, because I’m not the same person anymore.
“I’ve learned to breathe without you. I’ve learned there’s no one in this life I can trust. It isn’t that you read my words. I don’t care about that. I would have shown you eventually. It’s the note you left. It’s now. It’s knowing that at any moment you’re going to run off and leave me again. How can I tell you I love you? How could I survive it again?”
I was stunned into silence. Every cell in my body crawled with shame. Livvie was a survivor. She’d survived me. I realized then what I was witnessing was not indifference—it was pain. Livvie was in pain and it was my fault.
I didn’t know what was happening, but it came on suddenly. My nose started running and I sniffled. I knew Livvie was watching me. I knew how ridiculous I must look, how weak and broken. I couldn’t even care. I had nothing left to lose. I did my best to clear my throat before I spoke.
“I couldn’t say it, Kitten. I’d just finished… I loved him.” I felt my chest shaking.
“Who?” Livvie whispered. She was still so stoic.
“Rafiq,” I said softly. Livvie sighed.
“Why, Caleb? You know what he did.”
“Yes. I know what he did. I also know what he didn’t do: He never touched me the way the others did.” A part of me couldn’t believe I was about to go into this with her. I’d read her story and it had me thinking of my own. I suppose I thought I owed her the other half of our tale. I needed her to know I hadn’t cast her out without good reasons. “I was so young, Livvie. I was so powerless. Every day I was raped by someone. I was raped every day until I started to convince myself it wasn’t rape. I let them touch me. I let them… fuck me. I smiled at the ones I saw more often than the others, imagining they must care for me. Why else would they come back to use me repeatedly?
“Eventually, I believed them. I believed them when they said they cared. I believed them when they promised to buy me from Narweh. I let myself hope that one day I would be free.” I heard myself sob. The sound was far away, as though someone else were falling apart and not me. “It never happened. They never cared. They were never going to set me free. It was the hope they loved to toy with—my hope. I let it die.
“And then one day… Rafiq came. He picked me up, whipped and bloody. He took me home and nursed me. He fed me. He fed my body. He fed my mind. He fed my soul. He taught me how to do more than survive—he taught me how to live. And he never touched me.
“For years he took care of me. I didn’t need hope anymore. I had something better. I had purpose! I loved him for that. And then…” I felt numb as I stared off into space. “I learned the truth.”
My body shook as I recalled the night I murdered him.
“I wasn’t anything, Livvie. I wasn’t anything to him and he’d been everything to me. I would have died for him and the whole time… I was nothing.” I finally looked at Livvie. Tears were on her cheeks. “But that’s not the worst part. No, the worst part is that I meant to kill him before I knew the truth. It was the only way to set you free and I… I killed him, Livvie. I killed him and I buried him in Felipe’s garden where his family will never find him. I buried the only person I thought I could trust. I loved him, and he turned out to be the person responsible for the most horrendous betrayal of my life.
“And then I realized I’d done the same to you. I’d beaten you. I’d raped you, and worse—I even made you like it. I fed you hope and I snatched it away. I made you love me! How could I tell you? I couldn’t tell you, Livvie. I was confused. I was… broken. I’m still broken. I don’t know who I am or what I want. All I know is that without you… without you, there’s nothing. I’m nothing. Do you have any idea how terrifying that is for someone like me?”
My feelings toward her were on the tip of my tongue. I’d been holding the words in since the moment I had watched her walk out of my life, and if she’d turned around and looked at me for even a second, I wouldn’t have been able to resist telling her then.
I love you.
I couldn’t say it in Mexico. I had lost too much that day. I had lost my reality. What could I possibly understand about love when the only person I was sure I did love had lied to me for twelve years? Livvie had said she was mine. How could I be sure? Worse, what if it were true? What if she loved me and all I had to offer was a husk of a heart to love her with? How can anyone understand what love is without experiencing it? It would be like trying to describe color to a blind man. Some things you have to see for yourself. To understand love, you have to feel it for yourself.
It wasn’t until Livvie walked away and I was truly alone in the world that I began to feel what love could be. It didn’t come to me as it came to others; I had to find love as I had found everything else that defined me: through my suffering. The chasm Livvie’s absence opened in me was a hungry void. It was alive, the void, and it would not be filled with vengeance. It was not soothed by my attempts to right my wrongs. It was not pleased by random women. It did not sleep, despite the amount of drink I imbibed to dull my senses.
There was only one thing the void wanted. Greedily tearing me apart, it asked for Livvie. It wanted my hopes, my dreams. It wanted my memories of her face. It wanted the laughter we had shared. “Mine,” the void had decreed. Only Livvie could make me whole, and as soon as I had realized it, I couldn’t stop looking for her. I’d become obsessed with knowing if she really loved me.
The first touch of Livvie’s hand on my shoulder had me sobbing again. Love made me weak. I wished it would go away. Instead, it crushed me under its heel. I let Livvie push me back onto the bed. And when I heard her turn away, love made me beg.
“Please don’t go. Don’t leave me.”
I felt her fingers running through my hair.
“I would never leave you, Caleb. I just wanted to get you some water.”
“I don’t want water.”
“Scotch? Whiskey?”
“Just you.”
There was a long pause.
“Okay.”
I heard her undress before she slipped in behind me. She smelled like smoke. She hadn’t had a cigarette since the first night I’d come to her apartment. I didn’t say anything about it. She had her vises and I had mine. All that mattered to me was that Livvie was warm. And soft. Livvie was always warm and soft. She spoke softly in my ear.
“I’m scared too. You didn’t come to the door and I thought: He left me again. Caleb, you can’t do that to me.”
Livvie kissed my shoulder, but I could feel her vibrating with anger.
“You’re mad at me.”
“Yes,” she said. “But I guess… maybe I can’t blame you. In the grand scheme of things, it’s ridiculous to assume you wouldn’t break into my laptop. To use your words: I know who you are and I know what you do.” Livvie let out a short burst of laughter that quickly became a thoughtful sigh. “It must be hard on you, not having anyone to talk to about… him. I certainly don’t care he’s dead—he can rot in hell for all I care—but I never guessed how much you…” Livvie sighed and went silent.
“I don’t expect you to care. I don’t regret what I did. I just wanted you to know why I couldn’t let you come with me. To be honest, I don’t regret leaving you behind.”
She tensed.
“Sorry you came back?”
I turned and pulled her into my arms. It wasn’t her place to comfort me.
“No. I could never regret any amount of time with you. You’re the best thing that’s ever happened in my life. I just wish I could… be that for you.” Her silence was nearly deafening. It was a confirmation.
“I… fuck. I’m so goddamn angry, Caleb. I don’t know how to process everything sometimes. There’s so much living inside me. That’s what the writing is for, it helps me lay shit out and filter through my thoughts.” She propped herself up on her elbow and met my eyes. Her expression was pained. “You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me, Caleb. You’re also the worst. I’m trying to reconcile those two things. Help me?”
“How am I supposed to help you?” I asked.
“Tell me your side of things. I want to hear the good and the bad. I have so many questions, so many moments in my life where I only know half the information. You read my side of it. I want your side. Help me understand how I managed to…” Her eyes finished her sentence: fall in love with you. “Help me explain it to the rest of the world.”
Her words left me reeling. I didn’t want the world to know. I didn’t want to know. In fact, I’d been doing everything within my power to make us both forget where we started. How was this supposed to help?
“It’s not for the rest of the world to know, Livvie. I don’t understand.”
“You wouldn’t, but I do. I wouldn’t betray your trust. I’d tell it the way it’s meant to be told. I’d make them see that some stories aren’t black and white. I’d make them feel this, us. And then I’d feel better. I wouldn’t feel like you got one over on me. I’d feel right about everything between us and I’d defend it. I’ll always defend it.”
What justification did I have against that? I had what I wanted: assurance that Livvie had no desire to leave me. I’d even managed to sidestep the argument over having broken into her laptop. Most importantly, she’d given me a glimpse of the love she’d once professed to have for me. I was determined to nurture that emotion.
“What do you want to know? For example?” I edged. She leaned toward me and placed a soft kiss on my mouth.
“I hate seeing you like this. If anyone is going to fuck up your face, it should be me.” She smiled.
“Think you could take me?” I worked hard not to grin so I wouldn’t split my lip open again.
“I think you’d let me.”
“Well, you’ve got me there. I don’t think anyone has ever slapped me so many times and walked away without having to look over their shoulder forever.” I let my fingers caress her face. I’d slapped her once. “I felt horrible… that one time. I’ll never—”
“I know,” she interrupted. “I’m sorry I asked about the… you know. I know you’re trying to be different and you’ve changed so much. That wasn’t fair.”
“You had a right to ask. I’m trying to change, but it doesn’t mean I don’t struggle with who I used to be. I’ve had blood on my hands.” I silently reflected on my year away from Livvie.
“You’re different now,” Livvie said softly.
I saw the faces of the women I’d once enslaved and then set free. I thought about the ones I’d been too late to save. They would haunt me forever and it was scarcely penance enough. Yet, fate had brought me to Livvie .
“I don’t know that I’m all that different. I’ll never stop looking over my shoulder—or yours. I think part of me will always be someone’s loyal disciple. It’s who I am.” I stroked Livvie’s hair. “I’d kill for you, Livvie. I’d die for you.”
“Caleb. Don’t. You’re no one’s disciple. You’re free, and all that shit is behind you.” Her arm squeezed my waist.
“I hope you’re right, Kitten, but I’d still do anything to protect what’s important to me. I just hope it never comes to violence again. From now on, it’s just fighting in the gym.”
Livvie laughed.
“You mean you did this on purpose? Oh, Caleb,” she sighed, “you’re such a fucking man sometimes.” She kissed me again.
“I’m always a man. Don’t you forget it.” I winked. “Ask your questions, Kitten. I can’t promise I’ll always be this agreeable.” I skimmed her lower back with my fingers.
Livvie’s smile faded a bit, but I could sense her determination nonetheless.
“Why me, Caleb? Why’d you choose me?”
I was sorry I invited her questions. I could think of at least ten other things I would rather suffer than formulate words to loaded questions like those. However, why is always important to people. It had been important to me. I’d wanted to know why I’d been taken. I’d wanted to know why Rafiq showed me genuine affection when I was a boy. My entire life had been about why. I owed Livvie answers.
I cleared my throat.
“You made me curious.” I could practically feel the intensity of Livvie’s stare. “I watched you for weeks before I decided. Every time I saw you… I wanted to know more about you.”
“But why?” She pressed into my side. I let out a huff of air.
“Fuck, I don’t know. I guess… you looked kind of sad.” I raised my free hand and traced her confused brow. “You liked to stare at the ground and it used to make me angry because I couldn’t see your face, your eyes. I wanted to know why you were sad.” Listening to my words aloud and staring into those same eyes, I wondered what the hell had ever possessed me to hurt someone so innocent, so beautiful.
“You told me about your mom, about how she treated you, but I didn’t know that in the beginning. I saw you in your baggy pants and oversized sweaters and it didn’t make any sense to me why such a beautiful girl would hide.” I knew she had been hiding from someone like me. I thought, life is cruel.
“And then I fucking met you. You ran right into my arms and I…” I almost couldn’t say it. “I had to have you. I’m sorry, Livvie. I’m so very sorry.”
Livvie shook her head.
“I don’t need you to apologize anymore. We’re together and I don’t need you feeling bad about it. I just want you to stop pushing me.” She gripped my shoulder and shook me playfully. “I need to know how we arrived here, but it doesn’t mean I’m not happy to be where I am. I’m here, with you. That’s nothing either of us should be sorry about.”
“It doesn’t seem that way sometimes. You care about me, Livvie. I know you do. Except you won’t say it because you’re punishing me for what I did. I know I deserve it, but stop pretending you’ve forgiven me. If you want the truth from me, start being honest.” I felt the shift in power between us. Livvie had me where she wanted me, but I had her too. We had each other, and I liked knowing it wasn’t something either of us could surrender easily.
She put her head down on my chest in supplication. She could ply me so easily sometimes. If I had anything to do with her ability to wield power through submission, then I’d done my best work in Livvie. However, I doubted that was the case. She’d been playing me since the day we met in one fashion or another.
“I forgive you, Caleb. I’m just… angry. You’re angry too. I don’t like how easily you can hurt me.”
“It’s not easy, Livvie. I don’t like hurting you. That’s not fair.”
She made a growling sound. I almost laughed but managed to hold it in.
“I didn’t mean it like that,” she said. “I mean… you left. You could leave again. You think about leaving and going back to that life. How is that supposed to make me feel?”
I wanted to get up and throw things around the room. Livvie could be so infuriating.
“The only reason I said that is because you do the same to me. One minute you can’t live without me and you want me to treat you rough. The next minute you ask me if I’ve killed someone. Casually! As if I ever killed anyone on a whim. Am I supposed to believe you want to spend the rest of your life with someone you think is capable of those things? If so… you’re definitely not the person I remember.”
Livvie smiled.
“The rest of my life? You’re ambitious.”
I took in a breath and let it out in rush. Yes, she was infuriating. I had to laugh to keep from shaking her.
“I… fine. I’m ambitious.” Unable to resist, I added, “It’s not like I have anything else to do with forever. My schedule is wide open.”
“In that case, can I ask my questions?” She smiled sheepishly.
I sighed.
“Shit. Come on, then.”
We spoke for hours, it seemed. How many people had I killed? Why had I killed them? Did I get rid of everyone at the mansion? What happened to Celia (she’s very much alive)?
I answered all her questions as quickly and efficiently as I could and without becoming emotional about them. I didn’t regret the lives I’d taken. I had never killed indiscriminately. I only felt guilt for those I’d put in harm’s way.
I didn’t care for the questions involving Rafiq, of which there were few, or the ones having to do with Livvie’s and my history, of which there were many.
“Did you like the things you did to me?” she asked. I was mentally and physically exhausted.
“Did you?” I asked. I hoped she’d get the hint and stop asking me so many damn questions.
“Some of them,” she whispered softly.
I turned my head toward her and stared. She was blushing. Things were finally getting interesting.
“Such as? And don’t say the spanking—I know you love the spanking.”
“I… well, it’s mostly the spanking, but I like… other stuff too. It’s your fault. You’ve turned me into a sexual deviant like you.” She kissed my chest.
I laughed.
“Lucky me.”
“You could… tie me up. If you wanted. If you… like that.” Livvie’s finger slid beneath the sheets and caressed my dick. I groaned.
“Kitten… I’m…” I was distracted. Her fingers wrapped around my flesh and began stroking. “I’m beat all to hell. I don’t think…” I trailed off as my eyes slid shut.
“Would you like that, though?” Her voice was small and shy despite the boldness of her touch.
“Yes,” I whispered. “I’d like that very much. I miss… god, that feels good.” She’d slid her hand to my balls, her nails dragged slightly over the sensitive skin.
“What do you miss?” she whispered. Her leg wound around mine. My hand rested on the small of her back and I could feel her starting to rock against me.
“Control,” I managed. “I miss having control.” I lifted my hand from her lower back and put it on the back of her head.
“Over me?” she panted.
“Yes. I… liked being able to tell you what to do. I liked knowing what was going to happen next.” I laughed to myself. “I liked…” Breaking you down and making you do whatever the fuck I wanted you to do. I liked owning you. I liked shocking you. I liked making you come apart and putting you back together. “Stop, Livvie.” I placed my hand on hers and kept her from stroking my dick.
“What’s wrong?” she asked urgently.
“This!” I sat up slowly. “What do you think I liked about it, Livvie? I’m not used to being… I’m not normal, Livvie. I used to get a hard-on when you cried. Is that what you want to hear?”
Livvie’s expression was wounded.
“I know that, Caleb. You told me. I don’t expect you to be normal. It’s just that…” She’d gone from wounded to embarrassed.
“It’s what, Livvie? Explain it to me, because you’ve got me all confused.” I stared at her, willing her to answer.
“It’s just,” she struggled. “Before you… there wasn’t anybody. And then we spent all that time together and we did all those things. Then after, I was alone and you were gone and I tried to maybe… with other guys, but they weren’t you… and I couldn’t…”
“What?” I insisted. “I thought you said you weren’t with anybody since me.”
She snapped out of her rambling.
“I wasn’t! I couldn’t! Caleb, the things you did to me. I got used to them. I liked them. I could never do anything wrong with you. You told me what to do and… I liked it. There was nobody that could…” She blushed until even her chest looked red.
I exhaled, shocked. I thought about the first morning in the hotel room and the various other times she’d goaded me into dominating her. I felt stupid for not putting it together before. I knew some people enjoyed games involving domination and submission, it’s just that it had never been a game for me before. I looked at Livvie and smiled.
“Oh, Kitten. What a strange pair we are. I’m… a little speechless. You know what I like. I don’t just like dominating you—I love it. But it’s difficult to turn it on and off. It’s… different.”
Livvie tugged at the sheet between us nervously.
“I know. But… couldn’t we try? We’ve sort of been doing it. Like… just when we’re having sex. Couldn’t it be like that?”
My brain felt like it was expanding in my skull. She was offering me control, but only under certain circumstances. It was a big concept for me to grasp, but one I was eager to thoroughly comprehend. My dick was fully erect just trying to understand it.
“So if I were to say to you, ‘Get down on your knees.’ You would say?”
Livvie let out a deep breath and smiled. She slid off the bed and onto the floor.
“Yes, Caleb,” she whispered and blushed.
My heart leapt.
“I think… I’m going to like this. A lot.”
