When I was a kid, my parents took me to the circus.
I didn’t remember much — cotton candy, bright lights and colors, how smelly it was with all the animals, and how easily Dad’s temper was set off by performers trying to lure him into the various tents. It was mostly a blur, a good memory, but not one I could recall in detail.
But there was one act I vividly remembered.
Under the big top, a man rode a unicycle across a thin wire stretched from one end of the tent to the other. He wore a giant hat that flopped dangerously side to side as he wobbled and swayed, riding back and forth on that sagging line as we all gasped and marveled beneath him.
I remember waiting for it, for that man to fall, for the splatter of his body on the bleachers. I could visualize it, could see how he would misstep, how the bicycle would fly one way while he went the other, arms flailing and crowd screaming as they tried to clear the way.
He never fell, of course, but for some reason, I had nightmares about that man and his precarious balancing act for years after that.
And right now, I felt like I was living in that nightmare.
Almost a week had passed in the most exhilarating blur since I threw sense to the wind and gave in to what I felt for Riley. I couldn’t stop myself that day when I barged through her door and ripped that fucking creep off her. I couldn’t find reason in my one-track brain.
All I could think about was how she was mine, whether she knew it or not.
When she shoved me off, I thought I’d made a mistake. I thought I’d just put the last nail in my coffin and was about to watch everything I loved in my life go up in flames — my friendship with Gavin, my place on the team, and most of all, whatever fucked-up relationship I had with Riley.
But before the flames could catch…
She pulled me back in.
Since then, I’d been nearly sick with the tumultuous emotions twisting me in a cyclone of insanity. One moment I was inside her, savoring every touch and breath and kiss like I’d never have it again. The next, I was pretending to be normal with her around the team, trying to tease her without looking too long, without letting my touch linger. Then, I was mad with jealousy, watching my teammates flirt with her just like they always had. It was normal before, something I managed to stomach.
But now that I’d had her?
It was like they were dancing in front of a ravenous bear with fresh salmon strapped to every piece of their body.
And just when it was too much, when I felt inches away from ripping one of my teammates to shreds or saying something I’d regret, Riley would calm a storm she didn’t even know was raging.
All it took was a look, a bashful smile, a gentle touch as she passed me, and the clouds would clear, along with my head.
I’d be okay again.
Until I wasn’t.
It couldn’t go on like this. While my game was seemingly untouched by the chaos, my mental state was not. My appetite was shot unless I was with her, and I didn’t sleep until I heard her fast asleep in my bed or hers — wherever we ended up that night.
I didn’t know what name we could put on us, but I knew I had to define it as something — otherwise, I’d have to check myself into a psychiatric hospital.
Clay’s voice lingered in my head as Riley and I ran drills one afternoon after practice, both of us bundled up and swearing against the bitter cold as she lined up kick after kick. Gray clouds swirled in the sky, the trees shaking off what little bit of dead leaves still clung to their branches. It was fall in full force, winter breathing down its neck in warning.
We’d been quiet all day, even that morning when we woke up tangled together under her sheets. She’d peeled my arms off her, slipped out of bed and straight into the shower. And although we’d talked on the way to the stadium and texted each other when we were in class, I knew she was fucked up as much as I was.
We couldn’t talk about it, because if we talked about it, it might end.
But we couldn’t not talk about it, or it’d kill us.
“Riley,” I said when she finished a kick, hanging her hands on her hips as she watched the ball sail right up the middle. She shook her fist with a glowing smile, lining up for another one, but I caught the crook of her elbow before she could. “Hey.”
Her eyes found mine, chest heaving, and she sniffed, her breath coming out in little puffs of white against the gray sky. Those usually honey-green eyes of hers took on the color of steel instead, framed by worried brows above them.
“We need to talk.”
She licked the corner of her mouth, nodding as her eyes trailed off somewhere behind me.
Again, I heard Clay’s voice in my mind, how he told me I’d be blind not to see that Riley had feelings for me, too. I tried to hold onto the assurance in his voice as I calmed my racing heart.
It’s now or never.
What’s the worst that could happen?
I chose to ignore the obvious answers to that question, clearing my throat before I spoke. “Riley, I… things between us… we should probably—”
“Wait,” she interrupted, holding one hand up, the other pinching the bridge of her nose.
I frowned.
“I… I’ve been thinking about this a lot, too. Just… let me speak first, okay?”
I bit my lips together, nodding.
“I know what you’re going to say,” she said, sighing. “That it’s a bad idea. That we have to stop. That it was all a big mistake.”
I arched a brow, opening my mouth to tell her every thought in my head was far from any of that, but again, she cut me off.
“But I’ve really been thinking about it and… I think this could be good for us.”
She took the confusion on my face as doubt, because she grabbed me by the arms, leveling her gaze with mine.
“I know we could never… like… be together,” she started, her cheeks flaming with those words as her eyes skirted mine.
I frowned harder, biting back the urge to tell her I didn’t see it that way as much as the sting that it was the first thing that came to her mind.
“But… I feel like we’ve both been happy. We’re having fun. You know? And, I don’t know about you, but my game is on. Like, I’m feeling better than I ever have before on the field. And just from your performance this weekend alone, I think you could say the same, no?”
I nodded, but before I could say a word, she kept on.
“Here’s what I’m proposing. What if we just… didn’t complicate it.” She waved her hand with the words. “What if we could keep it like this?”
“Riley—”
“I don’t want anything more, either, okay? I promise. I’m completely fine with what we’re doing.”
Her confession slammed into my chest like a hot sword, and I nearly stumbled back from the force of it.
“But… I want you, Zeke,” she whispered, stepping into me. “And I know you want me, too.”
My cock ticked with just the thought of taking her right here, right now. And yet, my chest ached with the thought of that being all I could ever have from her.
“Right?” she asked when I didn’t respond.
I swallowed. “Don’t act like you need me to answer that.”
She smirked, trailing her fingernails down my arm. “So… why should we stop then?”
Stop.
She thought I wanted to stop.
“We just can’t tell anyone on the team,” she said before I could tell her she was dead wrong about what I wanted. “I mean, honestly, we can’t tell anyone.” She shook her head. “You know what I’m up against already. If anyone found out we were… that I was… with someone on the team… I…”
And just like that, any hope I had of telling her the truth dissipated like our hot breath into the cold evening air.
“Plus,” she added with a grin. “I’m pretty sure Gavin would kill you.”
At that, I sucked my teeth. “No way. Gavin would probably throw a party.”
She folded her arms, arching a brow. “Oh yeah? You think he’d throw a party that you’re fucking his twin sister?”
My face slackened. “Okay, maybe not a party, but—”
Riley laughed, the sound of it enough to unravel me. “Well, he doesn’t ever need to know. It’s just a little fun.” She shrugged. “It’s helping us both… relax.”
She waggled her brows at that, and I ignored the sting in my chest as I wrapped an arm around her shoulder, steering us toward the end zone to recover all the balls she’d kicked.
“And after?”
“After?” she repeated.
“After the season, when we’re no longer roommates and we’ve still got to play on the team together. When do we stop it?” I swallowed, the word stop burning my throat. “And what happens then?”
I thought I saw a flash of fear in her eyes, but it was gone in an instant, and she shrugged, eyeing me like the answer was obvious.
“It stops when one of us wants it to, when we get bored or… I don’t know, catch feelings or something.”
She laughed with that, as if the idea was preposterous.
I swallowed again.
“You don’t want anything more?” I asked tentatively, pulling her to a stop so I could look into her eyes when she answered.
Those hazel pools flared a bit, and she frowned, looking down at the grass before she met my gaze again. “What more is there?”
It was a miraculous feat of strength not to physically react to that statement, to not shake her and claim her with every piece of me.
“So… just teammates,” I tried, testing, feeling her out.
She smiled, stepping into me. “And roommates,” she added. “With a few perks.”
Riley winked, sneaking a kiss before she hopped around the end zone picking up the balls she’d kicked and tossing them into the giant duffel bag.
“You in?” she asked with a raised brow when she jogged past me.
And what else could I do?
She didn’t want more, but I couldn’t stomach the thought of not having her at all.
So if this was what she was offering…
I swallowed down any internal voice screaming otherwise and simply said. “I’m in.”
And the tightrope swayed, nearly tipping me off before I barely caught my balance again.
I wondered how long I could hold it.
