Empty.
Everything was empty.
The walls of my new room were white and bare, all the art I’d had hanging in my previous one shoved back in boxes and under my bed to stay. The jar of origami stars Zeke had given me was under there, too, tucked far into the back so I wouldn’t accidentally have to see them, even though I didn’t have the heart to throw them away.
That’s how I felt inside, too — stripped, numb, everything heavy packed away and compartmentalized. But even with it all out of sight and my emotions tied down against their will, I was still unable to even pretend to be happy or excited for anything at all.
I stayed in that numb state the entire time as I moved out of my dorm with Zeke and into the new one I’d been assigned with Clay. I was emotionless when I had to tell the team what happened the morning after we were in Coach’s office, when I had to watch the confusion and pain and anger wash over their faces as they realized what that meant for them — me and Zeke sitting out.
They all offered us both words of encouragement after, but neither of us could accept them.
Least of all me.
And since that moment, I’d done nothing but practice, study, and sleep — though that last one was hit or miss.
I’d known what it felt like to be high on life, to buzz beneath the touch of a boy I wanted so badly I felt it humming in every nerve of my body. And I’d known immense pain, the unreachable kind, the type born only of an unthinkable circumstance becoming reality, like it did when my twin was paralyzed.
I’d known the whole spectrum of emotion, but this…
This was just nothing.
It was apathy, thick and heavy and worse than pain.
At least if I was hurting, I would feel something.
A knock on my door did nothing but make me blink, and when I didn’t answer, Clay opened it tentatively.
“Hey,” he said, surveying where I was lying on my back on my unmade bed. “A few of us are heading to the stadium to get breakfast before practice. Wanna join?”
“Not hungry,” was all I responded, and then I rolled over on my side, letting him know I didn’t have anything else to say.
He left me with a sigh that told me he didn’t want to, but I was glad he respected me enough not to push.
I checked the time on my phone, noting exactly how long I could lie there dead before I needed to peel myself off the mattress and head to practice. It was a new form of torture, showing up to run drills knowing I wouldn’t be playing in the game.
I also pulled up my text thread with Zeke for the millionth time, knowing before I opened it that nothing had changed.
I’m so sorry, Riley.
It was the only text that had come through since we were called into Coach’s office, and it had vibrated my phone at nearly three a.m. that morning after. I’d been awake, and I’d stared at that text wishing I could cry, wishing that apology was enough.
Wishing we could go back to who we were in the texts above it, the ones that were light and fun and sexy, little teases shared between two unworried souls.
I let myself scroll up through those texts until a picture of us stared back at me, one I’d snapped on my phone one evening when we were hanging out on the couch. I was tucked into Zeke’s chest, his cheek resting on the crown of my head as we both offered lazy, sated smiles to the camera. I’d sent it to Zeke the next morning when I was in class.
Wish I was on the couch with you right now instead of listening to this lecture.
My stomach rolled, and I closed my eyes against the zing of longing that washed through me, swiping to exit my texts before I threw my phone screen down on the mattress. Part of me felt better, though.
Because at least I felt something.
I didn’t even hear the knock that announced my brother’s arrival. At least, I assumed he knocked, but maybe he just barged in, or maybe Clay let him in on his way out. Either way, I went from lying in silence on my side, to being ripped up, to standing against my will.
“Okay, normally I wouldn’t advocate for a shower before practice but… woof, Sis.” Gavin wrinkled his nose, eyes surveying my greasy hair once he’d tugged my wrist enough to flay me out of bed.
I ignored him, grabbing my duffel bag and slinging it over my shoulder.
“I figured we could grab some grub at the caf before you have the pleasure of practicing in this frigid rain,” he said in a fake British accent like he was a maître d’.
“Not h—”
“I don’t care if you’re not hungry,” he said before I could finish, his voice more stern now. “You need to eat.”
I didn’t have the energy to argue, so I simply gestured for him to lead the way.
I locked up behind us when we were out of the dorm, my heart racing as other teammates filled the hallway from the doors on either side. I didn’t dare look behind me to that last door on the left, didn’t dare turn to see if Zeke was one of them.
Just the thought of seeing him had my stomach in knots, and Gavin glared at me like he knew it, but didn’t say a word.
When we were outside, I popped a big black umbrella over the two of us, walking beside Gavin’s chair as we slowly made our way across campus.
“How’s practice going?”
I sniffed. “Fine.”
“Just fine? How’s your backup doing? Think he’s ready for Saturday?”
“He’s not my backup anymore,” I reminded my brother. “I’m his. And he’ll be great, I’m sure.”
“Not as good as you.”
“As long as he makes the kicks, it doesn’t matter. I’m easily replaced.”
Gavin frowned at that, nudging me. “Hey, that’s not true and you know it.”
I just shrugged, zipping up my rain jacket as the wind started blowing the drops sideways.
“I was with Zeke last night,” Gavin commented after a while. When I didn’t acknowledge, he added, “He’s miserable, you know.”
“He should be.”
Gavin gave me a look. “Why, because he messed up and made a mistake?”
“That boy is a mistake.”
“What is your problem?” Gavin pulled to a stop, waiting until I did the same. “He’s like our brother, but you’re treating him like a criminal.”
“He almost got me kicked out of school!” I yelled, loud enough that a few students gave us wary glances as they passed. “And look what he did to you!”
My hand flung out before I could think better of it, and my brother’s face went lax, his eyes reflecting a mixture of hurt and surprise that I’d said it.
I sighed. “I’m sorry, I just…” I sniffed, nodding toward the cafeteria. “Come on, let’s get out of the rain.”
“What happened between you two?”
I stiffened at his words. “You know what happened. He plagiarized my—”
“There’s more to it than that, Riley, and to be frank, it really pisses me off that you think I’m dumb enough to not know better.”
I swallowed, and for the first time in days I felt my eyes stinging with tears. There was nothing I hated more than fighting with my brother.
“Gav, please,” I managed, finally looking him in the eye. “I can’t do this right now.”
“Do what?”
“Anything other than try to just fucking wake up every morning,” I confessed, eyes glossing over. “I know you deserve more answers. And I know you hate to see me like this, to see your best friend like…” I shook my head, because even thinking about Zeke made everything inside me shut down. “I know it’s hard. But right now, I really need you to just… do the twin thing, okay? Be here for me without asking anything of me.”
Do the twin thing.
That was the one card we could pull to make the other shut up.
Gavin let out a sigh through his nose, chewing the inside of his bottom lip before he gave one short nod.
I nodded back my thanks, and then we went the rest of the way to the cafeteria in silence, eating most of our breakfast the same way.
I was so exhausted by the time I made it to the field that you’d have thought it was the end of the day rather than the beginning, and my body protested as I changed into my practice jersey and pads. I opted for a thermal underneath, though I knew it would do nothing against the icy rain.
I’d nearly escaped before Zeke walked through the locker room doors, but when he did, he sucked all the air out with him.
He looked exactly how I felt, the skin under his eyes baggy and swollen, his face ashen and long, entire body slumped like he was carrying the weight of the world where no one could see. Raindrops clung to his hair and eyebrows, rolling off his jacket and onto the floor as he ambled in. His eyes found mine as soon as he entered the room, and he stopped mid-step, like he’d just stumbled upon a wild bear in the woods.
I’d done my best to avoid him since Coach pulled us into his office, and for the most part, I’d succeeded. I ignored his only text and every call that came through, from early in the morning until late at night. I made sure I was gone when Clay said he was coming by, and during practice, I stayed at the other end of the field or sideline whenever possible, only being in his vicinity when ordered to do so by our coaches.
But now, he stood just a few feet away, his agony wafting off him and mixing with mine in the space between us.
Every cell in my traitorous body lurched forward, begging me to go to him, to collapse into him, to feel his warmth wrap around me and his lips against my hair as he whispered everything will be okay.
The urge was so powerful my feet stutter-stepped under me before I halted them, before I swallowed down any emotion that wanted to bubble to the surface.
Zeke’s jaw tightened, the muscle of it popping through the skin. His eyes stayed locked on mine, brows bent over them, his entire body tense like if he made even one small move, I’d bolt or tear his head off.
It seemed like an eternity before he stirred, leaning just an inch toward me and opening his mouth to say something.
But I turned before he had the chance, pulling on my helmet and jogging out into the rain.
