“You… want to date me?” I ask later that evening, my stomach flipping.
“Fake-date,” Josh corrects quickly. “It would all be pretend.” Zack nods and grins, like that makes perfect sense. I squint at them.
This was not what I expected when Zack asked me to come over to their flat after work. I honestly thought it would be some kind of intervention. I spent the whole afternoon in my meetings mentally drafting my apology. When I finally made it back to their flat, all three men were at their breakfast bar, drinking beers and huddled over pages of handwritten notes. Before I could even open my mouth to say sorry, they’d sat me down, offered me a drink, and proceeded to pitch the stupidest-sounding idea that I’ve ever heard.
I look between the guys. Zack is beaming enthusiastically. Luke won’t look up from his beer. Josh’s eyes are fixed fiercely on me.
I bite my lip. “And you think you can actually teach me how to date?”
“‘Course, pet,” Zack says easily. “We’re love masters.”
Luke frowns. “There’s no way this is really necessary,” he says flatly. “You can’t be that bad at dating.” He waves at me. “I mean, look at you.”
I look down at myself. “What do you mean?”
Zack leans forward, a shit-eating grin splitting his face. “Yeah, Mr Martins. What do you mean?”
“I…” Luke runs a hand through his silvering hair, his cheeks flushing. “You’re a beautiful girl, Layla. You’re smart and put-together. Give it some time, and you’ll find the right guy.”
“I’ve given it plenty of time. If it was going to happen, it would have by now.” I turn back to Josh. “Okay. Assuming I did this, how would it work?”
Josh shuffles through the papers. “We’d take you on dates. Let you practice flirting. Get you comfortable with displays of affection. We can help get you acclimated to… romantic situations.”
“We’d basically be your boyfriends,” Zack says cheerfully.
“More or less,” Josh cuts in. “We can walk you through all of the things that you’re unsure about. Texting a guy. Inviting him round to your place. Apologising after a fight.” He tilts his head, his dark eyes drinking me in. “Do you think that will be helpful for you?”
Yeah, I think it will be helpful. Being able to roleplay with the guys, who I know won’t judge me when I mess up, is the most helpful thing anyone could possibly do for me.
It’s almost too helpful.
“What do you get out of it?” I say slowly.
“Content,” Josh says promptly. “I think we can turn the concept into a segment on our show. Like… a dating makeover. We take someone who’s romantically hopeless and teach her how to start a relationship. That way, we give the audience actual, practical tips, and we can prove our credentials to our listeners.”
“… okay,” I say. “Why do you need to do that?”
“Some knobheads have been saying online that we shouldn’t be giving advice,” Zack says, scowling. “But you could help us prove them wrong. We’d be your fake boyfriends, then at the end of every week, you’d come on the show for fifteen minutes and talk about what we taught you. Easy peasy.”
“Our numbers are flagging,” Josh admits. “It would be a great way of getting engagement. We can have listeners tweet in with date suggestions, answer polls, stuff like that.”
Zack nods. “Our production manager almost came when we pitched the idea to him.”
I dither. “What exactly would be my commitments? I’m pretty busy.”
“I know.” Josh flips through his pages of notes. “I’d ask for one formal date night per week, and three hours’ recording time on Sundays. We’ll also give you some homework.”
“I’m gonna teach you how to sext,” Zack says gleefully. “I already have a ton of material.”
“Zack,” Luke says sharply, setting his beer down hard on the counter.
I don’t say anything. I feel a bit giddy. Luke might not approve, but honestly, the idea is very appealing. The guys are actually going to help me.
“Okay,” I say. “I can do that.”
Josh nods, flipping a page. “There’s the issue of money. Whenever we have guests on the show, we usually give them a percentage of the episode’s earnings.”
I shake my head. “I don’t need money. You guys are doing me a favour. I’m doing one in return by being on your show. We’re square.”
“We can’t pay you in a favour, L. Not when you’ll be making us solid cash.” He twists the lid of his pen. “I thought, maybe you’d like to advertise.”
“Advertise?” It does make sense. The guys have a mostly female audience. I bet they have loads of listeners who would buy underwear. “Okay,” I agree. “An advertisement slot.”
Josh nods, making a mark on his paper. “How does thirty seconds sound?”
“A minute,” I counter. “And not just a repeated script during your ad break. I want an actual back-and-forth with you guys about my products. In every episode that I’m in.”
Zack whistles. “You drive a hard bargain, pet. God, what a chore. How on earth am I gonna talk with you about thongs for a whole minute?!”
Josh studies me for a moment, then nods, writing something down. “Done.”
Luke shakes his head. “This is ridiculous,” he mutters.
I turn to him. He looks more pissed off than I’ve ever seen him. He’s usually so gentle and mild-mannered. “You don’t want to do it?”
“No,” he says flatly. “I don’t want to take one of my former students on fake dates to entertain a bunch of strangers.”
Oh. “Then why am I here?” I ask.
“He doesn’t have a choice. We outvote him,” Zack says casually.
“Of course he has a choice. I’m not going to demand that he takes me out on dates if he doesn’t want to.”
Luke takes a deep breath. “I’ll narrate the segment, if you like. Handle the scripts and the social media. But I’m not joining in.” He stands, pushing back his chair. “And I think you should think very carefully before agreeing to this, Layla. There’s nothing wrong with you that these two idiots can fix.” He picks up his drink and leaves, heading for his bedroom. “Message me when you come to a decision.”
We all watch as he disappears down the hallway.
“Ignore him,” Zack says, when his bedroom door claps shut. “He’s been in a weird mood ever since his ex sent him her wedding invite.”
I wince, suddenly feeling bad.
I actually remember when Luke got divorced. It must have been about ten years ago. Back when he taught me English, he was married to the high school’s headmistress, Mrs Martins. He’d started the school year bubbling over with enthusiasm. He was one of the few teachers in the school who really cared about us. He bought us all books, took us to the theatre, stayed after class for hours to help struggling students. We were all in love with him.
Then, halfway through the year, he changed. I remember him coming to school haggard and tired-looking, his clothes crumpled. We had two months off for summer, and by the time we got back in September, Luke was nowhere to be found, and Mrs Martins was now Miss Jones.
It’s been ten years, and as far as I know, he’s not dated since. So I’m not surprised he doesn’t want to fake-date me.
“Is it really fair to do this if he doesn’t want to take part?” I ask.
Josh shrugs. “It’s like he said. He doesn’t have to get involved in the fake-dating part, if he doesn’t want to.” He sits a little straighter, flicking through his papers. “Alright. If you’re happy to do this, we’re going to draw up a lesson plan. When are you free for a first date?”
“Monday evening is good.”
“Great. We’ll record an introduction to the segment tomorrow morning, then on Monday we’ll take you out to get some drinks, and see how you feel in a real-life date situation.”
My mouth quirks. He’s being so serious. It’s hardly surprising —Josh takes everything seriously. Above everything else, he’s a businessman. “Okay. Let’s do it.” I look over at the written contract Josh has been drafting. “Do you want me to sign, or something?” I reach for the paper, but Zack pushes it away from me.
“One more thing,” he says, his voice suddenly serious. “And this is gonna make me sound like a prick, but I gotta put it out there.” He smiles, his blue eyes kind. “This ain’t going anywhere. Okay? We’ll do the segment, get you nice and irresistible to men, and then release you into the wild like a baby bird. We ain’t gonna end up dating.”
I raise an eyebrow. “You do know that I’m not secretly in love with you, right?”
He grins. “Aye, I figured as much. But God knows how many times I’ve slept casually with a chick, and she ended up catching feelings. And it ain’t her fault,” he says quickly, seeing my expression. “You can’t help your emotions. But, like. I love you, Layla. I don’t want you getting hurt. Not by me, or Josh, or a stupid segment on our dumb podcast.” He puts his big hand over mine. “And if that thought enters your head, we’re gonna have to end this. ‘Cause I ain’t ruining our friendship.”
I nod slowly. “The same back at you. If you find yourself falling madly in love with me, we’ll call it off.”
“Nice.” Zack clinks our glasses together so enthusiastically his beer slops over onto the table. “This is gonna be epic.”
Josh smiles slightly and lifts his glass, but doesn’t say anything else. I take a deep breath, looking at the papers spread out in front of us. “So. Where do I sign?”
Josh taps the bottom of the paper. I pick up a pen and scrawl my signature along the bottom. Zack whoops as I set down the pen.
“Nice. Brace yourself, babe. You’re about to get the full boyfriend experience. Twice over.”
“But first…” Josh picks up the papers, stacking them together neatly. “You’ll have to record with us. We’ll see you at the studio at eleven.”
I nod firmly, trying to ignore the nerves squirming in my stomach.
