JOSH: And, we’re back from the break. Okay, it’s finally the moment you’ve all been waiting for. The conclusions to our very stupid Fake Date Experiment. In the last couple of months, I think it’s fair to say we all went on a bit of a ride.
LUKE: We’ve certainly learned a lot about intimacy, dating, and what it really means to be vulnerable with new potential partners.
LAYLA: And we found out why these three strapping boys were still single. They were all just as scared of love as I am. At least I could admit it, you cowards.
LUKE: We probably deserve that.
LAYLA: Yeah, you do. Don’t worry. I forgive you.
(Brief pause)
ZACK: For the viewers at home, Luke just gave Layla the sappiest look I’ve ever seen in my life. And now she’s blushing… and now she is giving me the finger…
JOSH: Layla, what would you say is the main conclusion you’ve learned?
LAYLA: I guess that… there’s no formula to a perfect relationship. There’s no checklist you can go down and cross items off. You’ll never be able to get everything right. Everybody has their own issues and baggage and hangups, and there are so many ways we sabotage ourselves from finding love, even if we don’t realise it. But it really is possible for everyone to find their person.
LUKE: Or people.
LAYLA: If you’re very lucky, yeah, people. With some TLC, and a lot of respect and communication, even someone who is absolutely useless at romance, like me, can open up. You might have to work a little harder to make them feel safe. But that’s okay. It’s worth it.
ZACK: (whispering) Okay, for the viewers at home, Josh is looking at Layla like he’s a dying man in a desert and she is an icy-cold glass of lemonade—
LAYLA: Zack.
ZACK: A very gorgeous glass, that’s wearing a really pretty, very low-cut bralette. That I believe is available in pink, white, fawn, and black.
LAYLA: Aw, are you doing an un-disclaimed sponsorship for me? That’s so cute, babe. Yeah, it’s the latest release in my new Butterfly collection. Check it out on my website.
ZACK: If you like boobs, buy it for your girlfriend. Use the code GREATCLEAVAGE for a twenty percent discount. That’s G-R-E-A-
(Sound of static)
JOSH: Sorry for the interruption, I had to briefly cut Zack’s mic. Technical issues. We’ve had a lot of questions about where this segment will go from here. Since we did, indeed, find Layla love—
LAYLA: For the record, we’ve been together for three months now, and it’s great.
JOSH: Yes, now we get to hear her singing along to ABBA from within the privacy of our own flat, it’s lovely. Anyway, I think we can call the experiment a success. However, we will not be doing any more of this segment. For the sake of our own relationship, I think that would be a terrible idea.
LUKE: But don’t worry — this isn’t the last you’ll be hearing from Layla. Since we’ve parted ways with our old production company, we now have a lot more creative control over the podcast. Which means we’re adding a new segment to the show. We thought it was about time to get a female voice.
LAYLA: That’s right, ladies, the mansplaining is over. I’ll be on the show once a week, talking about all the things that these guys really are unqualified to talk about. Like bikini waxes, and UTIs, and where you can find period pants that actually look good. And also what it feels like to have a ton of metal beads shoved inside your vag.
(Luke coughs violently)
LAYLA: Not that I would know.
JOSH: Right. Until then, do you have any last words for our listeners?
LAYLA: Everyone you love will hurt you, in some way. Most of them, I hope, will do it by accident. Some of them will do it on purpose. Don’t let them win by letting it harden you. Stay trusting. And hopeful. Fall in love again, and again, and again. It’ll be okay. I promise. And ladies, pee after sex.
(Brief pause)
ZACK: So, what happens next?
LAYLA: Well, for starters, I think you guys need to change the name of your podcast.
LAYLA: Also, I’m absolutely using that discount code.
