Faking with Benefits : Transcript

(Theme tune fades)

JOSH: Hello, and welcome to episode 443 of Three Single Guys, a relationship podcast by three guys who are absolutely not qualified to give you dating advice. My name is Josh…

ZACK: I’m Zack. 

LUKE: And I’m Luke. 

JOSH: We’ve got a pretty exciting show lined up for you today, so stay tuned for our thoughts on swinger parties, advice on how to politely tell your significant other that they need to shower more, and news about our upcoming liveshow at PodFest. But before we get into all of that, we have something special for you all — we’re starting up a new segment. Something we’ve never done before. Zack, do you want to explain?   

ZACK: Sure. (Clears his throat) I know that some people think that we’re talking total crap on this show —

LUKE: Which we are, to an extent. We do not give professional advice.

ZACK: Right. Right. We’re just three losers with a podcast. But we’re three losers with a podcast and a wall full of wedding invites, because we’re great at our job. We have helped people. A lot of ‘em. And we don’t appreciate being called ‘disgusting’ by a couple of sanctimonious snobs who think just ‘cause they got married to the first kid who held their hand in primary school, the sun shines out of their backsides. 

LUKE: Zack. 

ZACK: (ignoring him) Here’s a newsflash, to the pricks at Sweetheart Soulmates: being married doesn’t make you superior to single people. And, considerin’ most of your advice is basically ‘women, try harder to please your man’, it obviously doesn’t make you any better at giving advice, either. So you can take your ‘deep concerns’, and shove them down your— 

(Luke interrupts) 

LUKE: Rather than argue with our critics, we thought we’d take the high ground, and use this as an opportunity to test our advice skills — and provide you all with some first-hand entertainment along the way.  

JOSH: We have a friend who’s lived in our building for the past couple of years. She’s loud, uses too much hot water, and is a generally terrible neighbor. If you ever heard muffled ABBA in the background of our quarantine episodes, that’s her. 

LAYLA: Hey! 

JOSH: Wait your turn. Anyway, this friend recently came to us for some relationship advice. It turns out, she’s terrible at dating. 

LUKE: She’s a beautiful girl, incredibly successful, and has loads going for her, but for some reason, she can’t pay a guy to go on a second date with her. 

ZACK: She probably couldn’t pay him to finish his first date with her. They tend to jump out of the restaurant bathroom’s window before the first course is served. 

LAYLA: That only happened once. For the record. 

JOSH: Shh. So we’ve decided, in the name of charity, that we’re going to help our friend out. And you’re coming along with us. For the next few weeks, we’re going to be conducting a dating experiment. Layla, can you say hello? 

LAYLA: Hello. 

(Long pause) 

ZACK: Aww. My little pudding pop is shy.

LAYLA: I am not shy. 

ZACK: Of course, you’re not. Introduce yourself, dumpling.

LAYLA:  Um. Hello. I’m Layla Thompson. I’m twenty-eight. I run my own clothing company. And I’ve never had a boyfriend. I’d love to have at least one relationship before I turn thirty, so I figured, if I have to share a wall with these three losers, I may as well use their dating expertise. 

ZACK: I wish you guys were here in the studio right now, so you could see how hard she’s blushing. 

LAYLA: I’m not blushing, you hog. 

ZACK: It’s so cute. Her cheeks are bright pink. She looks like a little raspberry. 

(A clattering sound, followed by a muffled groan)

JOSH: For the listeners at home, our guest speaker just kicked over Zack’s chair. 

LUKE: She’s surprisingly strong. 

LAYLA: Surprising?! Do I look weak? 

JOSH: Can we get back on track, please? For the next six weeks, we’ll be giving Layla the full boyfriend experience. We’re calling the segment ‘The Fake Date Experiment’. 

ZACK: ‘Cause we’re gonna be her fake boyfriends, basically. So she can hone her non-existent skills. 

JOSH: Exactly. We’ll be taking her on dates, inviting her over for dinner, and giving her our best tips on flirting and body language — as well as how to progress dates to the next level.  

ZACK: Oh la la. 

JOSH: The goal of this segment isn’t to find you a boyfriend, L. Frankly, we’re not miracle workers. But if we can make you more comfortable dating, we’ll have done our job. (He pauses) No matter what happens, it will at least be entertaining. 

LAYLA: I’m glad to amuse. 

JOSH: Alright, Layla. We’ll catch up with you next week, when we have transformed you into someone men might possibly find mildly attractive. 

LAYLA: The next time you do laundry, I’m gonna pour paint into the washing machine mid-spin cycle. 

JOSH: I’m shaking, truly. Sign out before I unplug your mic. 

LAYLA: Later, losers. 

(Sound of papers shuffling) 

JOSH: Okay, guys, moving onto your emails. We’re starting with Charlotte from Arkansas, who wants to know how to tell her boyfriend that she’s found his stash of dirty videos — and wants to watch them with him…