The next morning, after my doctor has a quiet conversation with my parents outside in the hall, I’m moved out of critical care to a regular room on a different floor. I hold my mother’s hand as a nurse wheels my bed down the hallway and onto the elevator.
No one will tell me anything about Cole.
Not the doctor who came out of his room last night, not Dr. Dayan or the nurses, and not my parents, who take turns sitting with me while the other goes on a break.
My father’s wife, Chloe, stayed in Oregon to look after their two dogs. He seems lost without her. My mother, on the other hand, is doing remarkably well.
“Don’t you think that nurse is cute?” she says to me once I’m settled in the new room and the nurse in question is gone. “I’ve never seen such big muscles on a man. I suppose his job takes a lot of strength, though, lifting unconscious people and whatnot.”
She sits on the ugly plastic chair next to the nightstand, removes knitting needles and yarn from her big lumpy purse, and starts to knit, chatting brightly as she works on something that could be a pot holder when it grows up. Right now, it’s the size of a coaster.
“That ICU doctor was cute too. Dayan. Very handsome. Do you think he’s Armenian? I had an Armenian boyfriend once, though not nearly as handsome as this one. Nice head of hair, though.”
“Mom.”
“Your father looks well, doesn’t he? Needs a haircut. I suppose that Zoe of his likes it long, her being a hippie and all. Can you imagine being raised in a commune? So strange. I have no idea what he sees in her. Maybe she sneaks pot gummies into his breakfast cereal.”
“Mom.”
“You’ll be happy to hear that I’m still not drinking, honey. And not a peep from Bob. Good riddance to that crabby bastard, right? I can’t believe how long I stayed with him.”
“Mom!”
Startled by my volume, she finally looks up at me. “Yes, honey?”
“You talked to Dr. Dayan about me this morning, right? Before they moved me?”
“Yes.”
“What did he say?”
She lays the knitting on her lap and considers me. “That I shouldn’t tell you too much until you’re stronger because we don’t want to upset you.”
I close my eyes and count to ten, resisting the urge to scream. “That’s stupid.”
“Which is what I told him. Your father agreed with the doctor, but he’s on pot gummies, so we’re not listening to him either. What do you want to know?”
“What were the results of the brain scan?”
“The swelling has resolved. There’s no hemorrhaging. You might have some short-term memory problems because of the drugs they gave you, but that should resolve too.”
Should not will. I’ll worry about that later.
“What else?”
“Your bruising will last a few weeks most likely. You might be sore for a while longer than that. But overall, you’re extremely lucky.” Her voice drops. “That crash could’ve easily killed you.”
“When can I go home?”
“Tomorrow or the next day.”
“Good. And what’s happening with Cole?”
She glances down at her hands. She runs her tongue over her teeth. Then she looks up at me again and exhales heavily.
“He’ll make it. But they don’t think he’ll walk again.”
I turn my head and look at the ceiling.
It’s not until my mother jumps from her chair and hugs me tightly that I realize I’m sobbing.
“It’s okay, honey. Oh, honey, I’m so sorry.”
But she misunderstands. She thinks I’m crying because my boss won’t walk again.
I’m not.
I’m crying because the man I’m in love with is going to live.
Later that day, Cole’s father visits me.
He introduces himself to my father, who’s reading the newspaper. Dad stands and they shake hands, then Konrad asks if it’s all right if he has a word alone with me.
When Dad looks at me, I nod.
“Okay. I’ll be back in a while.” He leaves, quietly closing the door behind him, and Konrad stands at the edge of my bed looking down at me.
I know I look awful. My hair is greasy, my face is bruised, and I reek of sweat and disinfectant. None of that matters, however. I could be missing all my teeth, and I’d still be desperate to talk to him.
“Mr. McCord. How are you?”
He runs a hand over his hair, a gesture that reminds me of Cole. In the same business suit I saw him in yesterday, he looks worse for wear. He needs a shave, his eyes are bloodshot, and the lines in his face seem to have grown deeper since the day we met in Cole’s office.
“I’m awful. Thank you for asking. How are you, dear?”
“The same. How’s Cole?”
He gazes at me silently for a moment, then moistens his lips and shakes his head. “I should’ve guessed sooner. He was in such a better mood than usual. But it wasn’t until I saw you two in his office that I knew.”
Oh God. He knows.
My heart palpitating, I say, “It’s my fault. Cole kept telling me we couldn’t have a relationship, but I kept pushing for one. Please don’t be angry with him. If anything, you should be mad at me.”
He furrows his brows. “I’m not angry with either one of you.”
“Oh. But…the company policy about…you know.”
“You made my son happy. And nothing makes that boy happy. I don’t give a goddamn about any policy, pardon my language.”
I bite my lower lip to keep it from trembling, but it does anyway. My eyes fill with tears.
Konrad exhales heavily again, then stretches his neck and closes his eyes. “I’ve made so many mistakes with those boys. Especially Cole. He’s the hard-headed one, like his father.”
He’s lost in thought for a moment, then seems to shake it off, opening his eyes to stare at me with new energy.
“Do you care for him?”
My voice sounds very small in the stillness of the room. Small but full of conviction. “I love him.”
“He’s not an easy man to love.”
“I know.”
“He’s impatient and demanding.”
“I know.”
“He’s secretive too.”
“I know.”
“And he’s incredibly stubborn. I’ve never known another person as stubborn as him.”
Smiling through my tears, I say, “You do now.”
After a moment, a small smile lifts his lips. It fades quickly, and his demeanor turns brusque. “Good. You’ll need to be. Because if you’re serious about him, you’re in for a hell of a time.”
“I heard the doctors don’t think he’ll walk again. Is that true?”
He waves a hand dismissively. “Doctors think they know everything. They don’t. They don’t know Cole either. If you tell that boy something can’t be done, he’ll make sure he does it. What I mean was that he’ll give you a hell of a time. But don’t let him discourage you, Shay. You hang in there. If you really do care for him, hang in there, no matter how hard he tries to push you away.”
I’m getting all emotional, and I hate myself for it. My face is screwed up, and my voice comes out strangled. “Why would he push me away?”
“Because he thinks he doesn’t deserve love. I don’t know why, but he’s been looking for proof his whole life that he’s not worthy of good things.”
He stops for a moment, gazing down at his feet. His voice lower, he says, “Maybe I was too hard on him.”
I reach out and take his hand. He startles at the contact, but squeezes back when I tighten my fingers around his.
“He speaks very highly of you. Your wife too. He loves you both very much.”
I might as well have shot him through the heart for how his face crumbles hearing those words. He turns away, swallowing hard, and clears his throat.
When he’s composed himself, he says gruffly, “Thank you. Now I’ll let you rest. Get better soon, young lady.”
He pats my hand, then stiffly walks from the room.
I suspect he only held it together until he was around the corner.
I’m discharged the next morning. They send me home with pain medication and instructions to go to the ER immediately if I experience sudden headaches or balance problems. Everyone keeps telling me what a miracle it is that I survived such a catastrophic accident with only a few days in a medically-induced coma and some nasty bruising.
The driver of the other car didn’t fare so well. He broke both collar bones and six ribs, suffered a punctured lung and a ruptured spleen, and has lacerations all over his body. The nurse told me he’ll be there for a while.
When I asked him how long Cole would be there, a shake of his head was the only answer.
My mother stays with me at my apartment for a week. Dad stays at a hotel for a few nights, then returns home to Oregon and Chloe. Chelsea visits as often as possible, bringing food for me and cigarettes for my mother, who doesn’t drive because she lost her license years ago. Jen and Angel visit too, but the entire time I’m with anyone else, I’m thinking of Cole.
When I call the hospital and ask to be transferred to his room, the operator informs me she doesn’t show anyone admitted under that name.
There’s nothing on the news about the accident. There’s nothing in the papers. There’s nothing on the web.
The only place I find a mention of it is in the LAPD’s online traffic collision report, but when I return to look at it a day later, it has mysteriously disappeared.
Such is the power of owning the media and being besties with the chief of police.
As soon as the taxi taking my mother to the airport pulls away from the curb outside my apartment, I drive to the hospital and take the elevator to the ICU floor I was on with Cole. Not knowing what name he’s checked in under, I tell the nurse on duty that I’m here to see the patient in room nine.
“You can wait in the room down the hall,” she says, pointing. “He’s only allowed two visitors at a time.”
I thank her and walk down the hall, shaking and sick to my stomach. When I enter the waiting room, Axel is there, standing in the corner by a vending machine.
He’s talking to the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen.
She’s Asian. Everything about her is perfect. Face, hair, figure. Wearing a simple black sheath, she’s got her arms wrapped around her body as if for protection from something.
She glances over and catches me looking at her, and I know. I just know who she is.
Kiyoko.
Cole’s ex.
Axel follows her gaze and sees me. He murmurs something to her, squeezes her arm, then walks over to me.
“Hullo, luv.”
My eyes fill with tears. “What happened to miss?”
His smile is faint. “Miss went out the window when Cole decided to lose his mind over you. How are you?”
My lower lip quivers. I swallow, choking back tears. “Not good. How is he?”
He exhales heavily, shoves his hands into his pockets, and shakes his head. “Awake, but not able to speak.”
My entire body goes cold. My heart starts to pound painfully hard. “Oh God. That’s not good.”
“No, it isn’t. But he’s strong. And he’s being well taken care of.”
I glance over at Kiyoko. She’s staring at me like she wants to push me out the nearest window.
Axel murmurs, “That’s an old friend of Cole’s and mine. We all went to university together.”
“Kiyoko.”
He seems surprised I know, glancing over his shoulder at her, then back at me. “Yes. She flew in a few days ago. Let me introduce you.”
He takes my elbow and gently leads me over to where Kiyoko stands conjuring Biblical plagues of locusts to devour me. If eyes could be swords, I’d already be missing my head.
“Kiyoko, this is Shay. Cole’s girl.”
I think Axel just took his life in his own hands with that introduction. Kiyoko looks at him with withering disdain.
I say, “Hi. It’s nice to meet you.”
Kiyoko returns her attention to me. There’s a long, awful moment of silence, then she covers her face with her hands and sighs. “I’m sorry. Don’t mind me, I’m just tired.”
She drops her hands and gives me a sad smile. “Hello, Shay. It’s nice to meet you too. I’m sorry it had to be under these circumstances.”
Thank God. If she’d decided to hate me, I probably would’ve started crying and never stopped.
“Me too. Axel says he isn’t able to talk.”
“It could be damage from the breathing tubes. But I don’t think so. I think he just doesn’t want to. And depending on how bad his spinal cord injury turns out to be, he may never want to speak again.”
The three of us stare at each other while I breathe around the sobs building in my chest. “Can I see him?”
Axel says, “His brothers are in with him now, but when they come out, I’m sure he’ll want to see you. Why don’t you have a seat, and I’ll let them know you’re here.”
Kiyoko and I sit in the uncomfortable chairs and look at everything but each other as Axel leaves the room. He’s gone for about five minutes. When he returns, it’s with a pained look on his face.
I leap to my feet, heart palpitating. “What is it? What’s wrong?”
He looks at Kiyoko, then at me, then stands there looking uncomfortable.
“Well, he’s talking.”
“Oh thank God!”
Kiyoko stands. Without thinking, the two of us clasp hands. She says, “Is he in pain? Does he need anything? What did he say?”
When Axel looks at me, I already know what he’s about to tell me. I know, but it still hurts like he drove a knife right into my heart.
“He said to tell Shay to leave and not come back. He said he only wants to speak to Kiyoko. And he said…”
He pauses to shake his head and sigh. “I’m sorry, luv, but he said to tell you it’s over.”
