The story playing on loop in my mind isn’t one I ever thought I would think about again, let alone tell another living soul. They say there are great defining moments in life that shape who you’re meant to be, and this is one of mine.
Perhaps if I had walked away from my family before this point, just the way Everett did, I would be able to be saved. Perhaps there would have been some part of my soul that was redeemable, but not after the things I saw and the things I was forced to do. No soul can survive that much darkness.
I press her harder against my body, using her to weigh my own down. The reminder of her warmth, of her presence, is enough to keep me grounded. From the way she tensed, I know she’s realized this could have just as easily been a story about her, and although it makes me an even shittier person than I already am, I’m glad I have my little Snowflake safely in my arms.
It doesn’t matter how she came to be here, or that she still hasn’t accepted her place at my side. All that matters is that she walks this earth, that she breathes the same air I do. For that, I will always be grateful.
“Uncle Angelo presented Serena to me as if she were a gift. She was so young, and so broken by the time she got to me. For the most part, I was kept away from the trafficking side of things. Not really for any other reason than it wasn’t something dad had a lot to do with, and therefore my exposure was minimal. She was bruised from head to toe, and she looked as if she hadn’t washed for at least a week. Her hair was matted, and she had this look in her eye.” I pause, trying to put my finger on exactly what it was about her eyes that had even the blackest of souls hurting. “She looked dead inside. It was like when she looked at me, there was no one behind the gaze. I don’t know what they did to her before she was presented to me, and honestly, even I don’t like to think about it.”
The memory slams into me like a steam train that has lost control. So much that I saw as a child and as a teenager was dark and gritty, but the way this girl was used, as a pawn in a war she had nothing to do with, even I can admit it was fucked up.
“My father told me that I was to make a decision. Either I married Serena, or I killed her. I’d never killed a woman before, only men who I was told deserved it, but at the time I didn’t think there was anything a woman could do that would lead to such a punishment. The look of resignation she gave me as they laid out my options, neither of them were better than the other for her. One would lead to her becoming a plaything for the men in my family, and eventually bearing my children, and the other would put her out of her misery, even if it meant never taking another breath.”
Snow’s breathing picks up. She keeps saying I’ve taken her from her life, but if this story is teaching her anything, it’s that that’s simply not true. Not in the way she likes to think it is. Despite the fact I kidnapped her, I’ve allowed her access to her siblings, she’s been allowed to leave the house at times, and I didn’t take her until I knew she wanted it, until her body craved me just as deeply as mine does her.
“What did you choose?” Her words are barely above a whisper, as if she’s afraid of the answer.
I squeeze my eyes shut as I bury my face into her neck, breathing in her sweet scent. It pulls me back to the present as my mind threatens to drag me into the darkest corners of itself. “I told my father I needed time to think about it. I’d barely made sense of my attraction to you, and I wasn’t prepared to give that up. I always knew it would take a lot to get you here, that you’d fight me with every last breath, and I couldn’t do that with a wife. But I wasn’t prepared to kill an innocent woman who had done no wrong aside from having a father who borrowed money from the wrong man.
“None of the men in my family are patient, so they only gave me one day to decide. I snuck out that night to watch you. I broke into your family’s estate and settled outside your window. It was the middle of winter, and I remember it so clearly. You and Storm were arguing about something, and when you came into your room you slammed the door with the fury and fire that only served to foster my obsession.” It’s not in my nature to be so candid, and although I always knew she would be here with me one day, I never thought I would be telling her about the night I knew she would become my everything. “I sat there all night in the snow, and when snowflakes fell against my skin, I realized there was no way I could go ahead with marrying Serena. She would never be happy with me, and I would never be happy with her, even if it was the best way for me to get my father and uncles off my scent when it came to you.”
She tries to lift her head from my chest, but I hold her still, unable to see the look in her eye when I tell her about the moment I lost my humanity to keep our future alive. I never wanted her to know what I lost for us to be together, but perhaps it will be enough for her to stop fighting me at every turn.
“But when I got home and I was faced with the broken girl who had done nothing wrong, I wanted to have it both ways. I wanted to save her, and I wanted to pursue you. So I told my father I would try to feel something toward her. More than anything, I wanted to make sure you were safe. You were always my priority, just as you always will be. You, my little Snowflake, are where my life begins and ends, because a man like me doesn’t care about anything but their queen.” I pause to allow her to swallow the pill I’ve just shoved down her throat. “It worked for a little while. Serena was so fucked up from whatever my uncle had done to her before he handed her over to me that she barely got out of bed, and I spent all my time following you around, my obsession only growing deeper the longer I watched you. But after seeing what Angelo did to Serena, I couldn’t risk him doing the same to you, or worse because of your family, I knew I had to start working toward their demise because it was going to be a slow process to take them down from within.”
“You were trying to take them down?”
“From the day I laid eyes on you,” I confess. “They would have always been a threat to you, and that’s not something I was willing to risk. I couldn’t have you until they’d taken their last breath.”
The words carry more meaning than I intend them to, but when Snow curls around me, it’s clear I’m winning some points, no matter how short-lived it will be.
“I didn’t expect them to interfere so soon. I thought I had more time before they would want proof that I was treating Serena the way the Russo name required me to. But one day I came home from watching you at the art gallery with your friends, to find Serena on the exam table with her legs in stirrups. At first I didn’t understand what was happening, but when I saw her face and how scared she was, I knew it couldn’t be good.”
“They were checking if you’d been fucking her,” Snow offers, and I’m almost relieved I don’t have to say the words myself.
I nod. “Yes.”
“And you hadn’t been?”
“No.”
Snow sucks in a harsh breath, her cheek pressing harder into my chest. “What did they do?”
“I’ll spare you the details of what I had to watch them do to that poor girl, but in the end, I was handed a gun and she begged me to end her life. She’d known nothing but pain for so long that she couldn’t bear another moment of her own heart beating.”
“You killed her.” She doesn’t pose it as a question because we both know the answer.
“I did,” I confirm. “The reason I tell you this, Snow, is because I need you to understand that while I am a monster, I am not the same as my father and uncles. I do not enjoy hurting women, and I’ve gone to great lengths to bring us together. I would not do anything to jeopardize that, and I will never lay a hand on you in anger.”
Silence descends over us, but she makes no attempt to move from where she’s sprawled across my chest. There have been few times over the years where I have been able to quiet my racing mind, where I have been free from the plotting and scheming, where death hasn’t lingered over me like a cloud. But as I hold Snow, her gentle breath whispering across my chest, there’s nothing but her filling my mind, and I could really get used to the quiet.
