I fucking hate feeling jealous. I worked hard my entire life to make sure I had everything I wanted because I didn’t want to be envious of what someone else had. For something I have worked this hard for, you’d think I’d be better at it, but jealousy has been a bug, buzzing in my ear since the age of sixteen.
When you have a brother in the spotlight, that’ll happen. Finn rose to fame when he was just barely an adult. With just one video, he went from posting for years with no more than a few views to having a huge following almost overnight. I was a teenager at the time, just getting into my trouble-making years, and although I looked up to Finn, I never felt jealous of him when we were kids.
Until he got famous.
Like every little brother, I always wanted to emulate Finn. I was always taking after him, and I did it well. If he went to basketball camp, I went too, doing just as well as he did, if not better. He never outperformed me, I made sure of it, but his fame was something I couldn’t replicate. He worked hard on social media, but I had to accept that a huge part of his success was luck, and that wasn’t something I could create out of thin air, no matter how hard I tried. I had never failed at doing what Finn did, but for the first time in my life, I didn’t have a choice.
It sounds so stupid when I think about it, the jealousy wrapping around my life, but ever since Finn got famous, I felt like I was only his younger brother. I no longer defined myself. I stopped being known as Jace Declan and started being known as Finn Declan’s brother. I had none of the success and money that came with fame, but I had all of the shitty consequences.
The biggest one being trust. Trust is a hard thing to come by now because I never know who is using me to get to Finn. It has happened so many times, I now just assume that is why people are nice to me: they know whose brother I am. It’s happened with my friends, with potential girlfriends, and even with strangers on the street. I’ve even had a few professors who gave me extra credit, hoping to get an autograph out of it, just because their kids followed Finn on social media. Every time it happened, it just got more humiliating, and I stopped being able to laugh my way through it.
It was the worst with women. They always seemed interested. Always wanted to get to know me more. Always wanted to be brought home to meet my family. But when I saw their eyes light up when Finn would come to visit, I knew it had happened again, and it stung every fucking time.
It fucked me up more than I care to admit. I hated not knowing who to trust, and knowing that Finn was always going to be better than me, always be more desirable, it continued to eat away at me. It just seemed like another area of my life where I wouldn’t be able to live up to Finn’s successes, so I just stopped. I stopped dating. I stopped trying to find a girlfriend. I stopped the romantic and sexual part of my life altogether, knowing for a fact Finn would always win, no matter what.
It probably didn’t help that Finn was the most famous womanizer on our side of the city.
I didn’t do it mindfully but watching Finn fuck his way through everyone in town really turned me off from the whole thing. I just stopped wanting to compete when I knew I would lose anyway.
Until Callie that is.
We met in college, in a statistical analysis class. She’s been a math whiz since the day she was born, and I noticed her on the first day. Her eyes lit up as she walked into the room, as if it excited her, as if she could actually stomach a two-hour lecture on how to interpret data. I sat next to her the rest of the semester, figuring she could help when the class got too hard, and we’ve been friends since.
I didn’t know I wanted her at first. I was so closed off to the whole idea of dating that I became friends with her without even thinking about it. She was funny and kind, and I think I needed a friend more than anything at that time. I didn’t think about the fact that her body was my literal wet dream. I didn’t think about the fact that when she laughed, she looked right at me, as if she was waiting for me to catch on to the joke, waiting to see if I found it funny too. I didn’t think about the fact that she was everything I ever wanted in a woman. I was shut down to the idea completely, and then one day, I woke up and realized that I had an embarrassingly large crush on my best friend, and I was three years too late.
The idea of dating is completely foreign to me now. I was avoiding dating like the plague when I was supposed to be learning how to talk to women, how to flirt. During the time I should have gained confidence in myself, I was busy trying to pass my college exams. I don’t have any practice with women, and now the one I want is the person I have been closest to for the past three years.
Talk about going from zero to sixty.
I’ve tried to shut the feelings down. Having a thing for my best friend is such a fucking cliché , but I can’t stop myself from thinking about the way she looks in a skirt, with her long legs on display. I can’t stop myself from fucking my hand to the thought of her bent over the hood of my car, taking my cock, moaning my name. I can’t stop thinking about how badly I want her to sit on my face, cumming on top of me.
The stakes are even higher, though, because I like her as a person too. I could see myself dating her. I could see myself lying in bed with her–just enjoying being around her. I could see myself watching stupid TV shows just because they make her happy.
But no one tells you how to navigate these things. There isn’t a book called “How to Figure Out if Your Best Friend Wants to Suck Your Cock 101” that I can pick up at my local bookstore. Instead of trying to figure my shit out, I wasted time being pissed and jealous of my brother.
Finn fucking Declan. What a dick.
He does one thing right though – he knows how to throw a good fucking party. His engagement party is tonight, and although I’m happy for him, I can’t help but feel jealousy climb up my spine at the thought of being in his mansion of a house, hiding the fact that I’m bitter. Old habits die hard, but I’m trying like hell to let this one go.
If I have to go and be jealous the whole time, I’m going to get drunk as fuck off his expensive liquor with absolutely no regrets and enjoy my night with Callie, pretending like hell that tonight is an actual date and not just a friendly plus one invite.
At least something good will come out of tonight, even if everything else sucks.
I get to see Callie in a little dress that will probably make my cock hard the entire ride to the party. And–maybe for just a second–I’ll pretend that I’m going to be able to take it off of her at the end of the night, because I know that’s all I’m going to be able to think about.
