I roll off of him, completely exhausted. The entire night has been exhausting, but this has worn me out completely, taking every ounce of energy from my body and wringing it out. I want to talk about so much with him, to finally understand what the fuck is happening between us, and now my emotions feel completely fried.
“Jesus Christ,” he mutters, a small laugh vibrating through his chest and warming the room, and I smile despite myself. He looks over at me, and our eyes connect. He looks at me with such amazement, such adoration, and I feel butterflies erupt in my stomach, not knowing what we are supposed to do now.
I took the lead, and I liked it, but I need him to want me too. I need him to express how he wants more with me, how he wants this to be more than just a one-time thing, because that’s what I want.
I’ve had a thing for him for years, and even though it has been mostly physical, a part of me has always wondered what we would be like in a relationship, but I can’t keep making the moves. At some point, he needs to want this too, and that scares me. I don’t like putting the ball in his court because I am worried he is going to fuck it up, but I know that I can’t initiate this conversation. I am going to have to trust him.
“Well,” I sigh, lifting my body from the bed, all of my muscles sore. I look around for my clothes, thinking of going back to my guest room and sleeping for the next twenty years. I glance around the floor, finding my sleep shorts, wet from Jace’s mouth, but I put them on anyway, sliding them on quickly, feeling the need to cover up.
“Wait, what is going on?” Jace asks, his voice afraid and completely confused. I turn back toward him, my tits still out, half of my body still exposed, and it feels different now, more vulnerable in the moonlight after what we just did, when I’m unsure of what he wants with me after I used his body for my own pleasure.
“I’m going back to my room,’ I shrug, finding my shirt on the other end of the room and grabbing it quickly, wanting to cover as much of myself as possible. Usually, sex doesn’t feel this vulnerable afterward, but this feels like I just gave him everything, like I exposed every secret I have ever kept.
“You’re not going to stay?” he asks, his question coming out like what we are is obvious. Like he knows exactly what we are, but none of this is obvious. I have no idea what is going on between us, and I wish that I did. I wish he would shout from the rooftops what he wants right now, so I could at least attempt to make some sense of this situation. I pull my shirt on, not even knowing how to answer him.
“You want me to stay?” I ask, unsure. I don’t mean to sound insecure. I just don’t know where we stand. I just want to know what is happening right now, because while he acts all nonchalant, my insides feel like they are being eaten alive.
“Of course I do,” he huffs, as if I should have understood, as if he said something to me that would indicate that this is more than just a hookup to him, more than just a person to lose his virginity to. I hate to admit it but it was more for me, and now that I’m clothed and thinking clearly, I don’t know what I’m going to do if he doesn’t feel the same.
“I don’t know if I should,” I hesitate, uncertainty wrecking through me. Does he want me to stay because he wants someone to fuck in the morning, someone to keep the bed warm until the dawn breaks, and then we pretend nothing happened between us, like this night doesn’t exist in both of our memories, or does he want me to stay because he wants to be with me, to see what can happen between us. I feel my mind spiraling–trying to analyze everything simultaneously.
Jace looks at me, completely bewildered like I’m speaking a different language, and he has no idea what I’m even talking about. His face morphs from confusion to anger quickly, and he looks at me with bunched eyebrows and a scowl. “Was this just a hook-up to you?” he spits out, as if the words in his mouth disgust him, as if his words are vile.
I know the answer to his question, but it’s scary to say it. I was so confident a few minutes ago, when his cock was out and I was horny, but it feels different when the post-orgasm high has worn off. It feels different when I’m standing in front of him, cold, not knowing what he wants with me after we fucked.
“Was it just a hook-up to you?” I ask, genuinely curious, not knowing the answer. I don’t know why it is so hard for me to think about this going anywhere. I’m so nervous that he is going to fuck this up. I’ve wanted to be in his bed for years, and now that is happening, I’m not sure how to trust it.
“Of course not!” he exclaims, his voice loud, booming through the room and echoing off the walls. Jace rips off the covers, his face tinted red, and then stands up, finding his boxers on the floor and putting them on quickly, his movements rapid and angry. “I’ve wanted to do that for months, Callie. You have completely taken over my thoughts for months, and now you are going to give me a taste and tell me it meant nothing to you?” he asks quickly, angrily. His voice demands attention, and I listen. I watch his every movement, my eyes trained on him like they always have been, unable to tear them away.
His words click through me, and relief washes through me, the anxiety rushing away, leaving me with a feeling of happiness, of hope that we could become something outside of this room.
“I didn’t say that,” I say, looking him in the eyes, a small part of me knows what this means, what this will become between us, and it scares me, but I’m sick of living in fear of this. We are so close. I’m sick of being scared that this won’t work out or it will ruin the friendship. I just want to do what the hell I want for once.
“You didn’t say what?” Jace spits out, looking away from me as if he can’t even stand to look at me anymore. I step closer to him and take a breath. I push every ounce of fear out of my body.
“I didn’t say that it didn’t mean anything to me,” I say, looking up at him, willing him to understand my words, willing him to see what I see. His movements stop as he comprehends my words, turning back toward me, and really looking at me. He analyzes my face for the truth, realization slowly dawning on his face.
“I don’t want this to be a one-time thing, Callie. I want to figure out what the hell this could be between us,” he says, his hands connecting with my waist as he steps closer to me, his fingers grabbing onto me as if he fears that I will disappear out of thin air, but I understand the feeling.
“Me too,” I say, feeling vulnerable and exposed but knowing that I need to be, knowing that it will be the only way to finally become more than just friends, something that I didn’t even know that I wanted so badly until this night with him.
“I don’t know what is going to happen between us, but can we just agree that we are going to try to figure it out?” Jace asks, his eyes holding fear and uncertainty as he stares at me, waiting for an answer.
“Yeah, we can do that,” I reply, bringing my head down on his chest, just holding him for a second as his arms wrap around me. Both of us breathe and just soak in the moment. Then I climb back into his bed, needing a couple hundred hours of sleep to recover from the highs and lows of emotions I went through today. Jace’s arm drapes over me, and I back my ass up until it rests against his cock, and I feel it harden instantly. “Seriously? Again?” I say, laughing, my voice tired. I feel my body shift, so his mouth is right above my ear, his breath against my skin.
“I don’t think you realized when you locked the door, that the second I was inside of you, you became mine, Callie. You claimed me just as much as I claimed you,” he whispers, his cock grinding against me and his hand coming around my body, his fingers instantly finding my nipple while all of the exhaustion seeps out of my body and desire replaces it.
It’s going to be a long night if we keep going like this, but something tells me this won’t be the last long night we have, at least if I have anything to say about it.
